A Pat On My Back

Younger Boy has been having some issues in his after school program as of late. He’s been experimenting with poor choice words he’s heard, getting angry when things don’t go his way and choosing to play by himself.

In other words, he’s been acting completely normal as not only a kindergartener but as the younger boy who has been getting the shaft from his biological mother and no longer the baby in either of his two families.

We had a discussion yesterday. Basically I explained to her the things we’ve been working on at home and some of the things I personally do when it comes to handling Younger Boy’s behaviors.

We’ve been working with him on trying to better understand some of these things. We had a family meeting about not using “Sad Choice” words and instead asking an adult if he’s unsure about a word. Younger Boy is very intelligent for his young age and he really grasps at vocabulary. With him I’ve found that it’s a lot easier to just calmly explain that “this” word is not OK to use and that it makes me sad to hear him say it. We even had the boys come up with the consequences for continuous use of Sad Choice words.

I’m still working on helping him to de-stress. Usually a change of his environment or giving him something physical to do helps a lot. Example, if Middle Boy (who has his own set of issues) is aggravating him I’ll often have Younger Boy come downstairs and play with playdoh or draw. I think of it as if I need a break sometimes then they certainly need a break sometimes from each other.

I also told her I was actually surprised that he was having issues playing with others. As it is Younger Boy who is always making friends and playing with others when we go out while the two older boys sit with each other isolated from everyone else. His teacher said “Perhaps he’s just tired of the kids here” which I honestly agreed could be a possibility. His friends in the after school program aren’t the kids he plays with during his kindergarten class.

Side Note: I’m looking up ways to help children learn how to play. My mom made a point to me that the three of them have either only had each other or themselves to play with and perhaps they just don’t know how to play with others. So if any of you have experience in teaching play I’d love to hear.

Back to the conversation – his teacher told me that she can relate. She too was only 2 years old when she had a stepmother come into her life. In fact, her exact words were:

“I can totally relate. I was only two when my stepmother came into my life and there were times that I just wanted to scream and kill her. But now that I’m older I’m really appreciative of how she raised me. And I just want to take a moment to say “Thank You” to you for doing what you’re doing.”

Now, the main point of this post is that it’s really weird to me when people thank me for doing what I’m doing … because what I’m doing is just being me. I’m being the best mom I know how, learning from my mistakes and hoping that even though I’m the authoritative parent that I’m making a positive difference in the kids’ lives and can help bring some sunshine back for them.

I’ve had quite a few people thank me for what I’m doing and I never really know how to respond. Usually I just say ‘Thank you, that means a lot.” Which don’t get me wrong, because it totally does mean a lot to hear. Who doesn’t like to have some validation of good to their actions? But having someone who was Younger Boy when she was a child say that to me … it really made me feel better about my role as a stepmom. And I wanted to share it with any of you that may be new or a veteran to instant parenthood. Perhaps it will help bring you a smile too. Keep on swimming. You’re doing good.

It Made my Day

The other day Younger Boy was sitting down and doing his homework. It’s an activity where the sentence starts with a vocabulary word of the week and the child fill it in and draws a photo to go along with it.

I was sitting on the couch nursing Baby JC when Younger Boy came out with his paper:

YB: How do you spell your name?

Me: C-R-Y-S-T-A-L

YB: That’s it! Because I heard the “l” and that means it’s the end of your name.

Me: Oh, OK.

He went up to take a nap afterward and I went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. I noticed his homework for the day was still lying out on the table. So of course I had to go take a peek.

This is what I saw:

Now That I’m A Mother

Now that I am a mother I’ve had a new wave of frustration as an Instant Mother. It’s not that I resent the boys’ presence. It’s not that I no longer want to care for them or take care of them or nurture them. It is more that I have definitely found myself even more frustrated at times with the reality that their mother doesn’t take an active role in their lives.

I lightly touched on it in my last post. As a first time mom I’ve had people telling me to get a lot of rest, to relax and to sleep whenever possible so that I can recover as well as keep my sanity to balance off my new sleep schedule. I can maybe get an extra nap in once in the morning right after I drop the boys off at school and before I have to pick up Younger Boy OR in the afternoon right after I drop Younger Boy off at the after school program and before FH comes home from work.

As a mother myself now I get frustrated that Jane isn’t here to help take care of the boys more often. I’m frustrated that the only time she wants to see them, talk to them, be a part of their lives is if she has a day off from work. I think a part of it is that I’m here trying my best to be the best mom I can be to a newborn, and the best instant mom I can be to three kids that aren’t mine and it is draining me.

Don’t get me wrong here … as I said above I haven’t had a change of heart for the boys, but now that I’ve actually gone through the whole experience of labor and midnight/3am/6am feedings in the same night experience I just get kind of pissy that a woman who birthed three kids gets to have such a rule over my schedule once a week and on the holidays when I’m doing all the work and she’s not even trying to wish them a good night or anything.

To her credit she did offer to put the boys on her health insurance plan while FH transitions between jobs. Allegedly she doesn’t get charged anything extra to have children on her benefits plan. I’m hoping this means that their coverage will be decent still or perhaps that we won’t need to use it until FH is off of his probation period at his new job.

If she were perhaps more consistent with her visits and not consistently trying to get out of seeing them perhaps my anger wouldn’t be on the verge of blossoming. But with my lack of sleep lately I’ve been getting rather irritated in having to be up and going all the time when all I want to do is sit back with my daughter and relax and do nothing … or sleep.

In other views … Baby J.C. has a smile that melts my frustration and anger away. Luckily for me she’s been more smiley each day that comes.

Day 730 – I’m Still Here

Seven hundred thirty days ago I moved in with FH and the boys. I jumped into a world I had no idea about. And 730 days later I still sometimes question what the hell I was thinking. However, on Day 730 I came to a conclusion while reading another stepmommy blogger’s post.

It wasn’t necessarily that it was one of those posts that I could relate to because I had written it, but it was about a topic that gave me an “Aha” moment.

I know I’ve written about it before but Jane doesn’t pay child support. This is just the agreement that came from their divorce. Thus, from the moment I moved in my paycheck that used to support just me and Nasty Cat was now supporting three kids that weren’t mine, and me and Nasty Cat.

The only thing we’ve gotten Jane to help put money toward is out-of-pocket medical expenses because their papers say that they have to split those. Otherwise, all other expenses fall on us. I know I’ve mentioned that Jane doesn’t have that most fabulous paying job, but paying for a family of 5 isn’t cheap. It was one of the reasons I became a PartyLite consultant when I found out I was pregnant because if a family of 5 isn’t cheap then a family of 6 isn’t going to be any cheaper.

Back to the point, I get frustrated with Jane because she is absent, treats her kids like crap and is still loved and adored by them. But the light bulb that came on in my head is that I realized I’m really, really damn angry that I’m here paying for the kids while she doesn’t pay jack.

I can’t really be too angry with my husband for making the mistake of marrying her and what not. We all make mistakes and I’m sure he faces that reality every day. But I think a part of that bitterness that I’ve been unable to really tackle down is the fact that I’m paying for it, literally paying for it too. I don’t mind paying for my own mistakes but having to get stressed out due to lack of funds or not be able to pay for something for me or the baby because I’ve spent the rest of my money on the kids really frustrates me.

It frustrates me that I have a hard enough time saving up money as it is because it’s all going toward supporting my family. Which normally and realistically what happens anyway, but as a stepmom it's a bit different I guess.

I hope that makes sense. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boys and wouldn’t take back my choice for the world. But it is just very frustrating that I’m doing all this work and sometimes it feels like I'm not appreciated. As a stepparent I don’t have any legal rights. I don’t have that bond by nature with them. And I feel like I’m constantly being scrutinized and compared to Jane by them.

I guess I am happy that I was able to pin point this. Being full of anger and frustration and not knowing why is mind blowing. And now that I've figured it out I can start working on my attitude toward it and trying to find my way to balance out those frustrations.

But today is my two year mark at being an instant mom. I’ve come a long way, and I know that I alone have made a big difference in the boys’ and FH's lives. And for being able to be that difference I really am glad and proud. And I’m still here.

Feeling A Little Guilty

Well, I’m glad to say that we’re moved out of the old apartment and are in the nice bigger townhouse. It’s not the permanent place, but it’s more fitting. Older Boy now has his own room which is a big deal. Middle Boy and Younger Boy are sharing a room and will just have to work harder on getting along. And the baby will have her own little nook in the master bedroom with us. She even has her own closet which is already full of clothes, blankets and diapers.

Can I also tell you that at 34 weeks I’m so ready to have this baby? I’ve been trying so hard to be patient because all I want is to have her already and get it over with. I’ve also been trying hard not to think too much about the whole birthing process that is in the very near future. Gah!

August has been crazy busy which is probably how it passed by so fast. It’s also been a relaxing time because the kiddos have been at one place or another. This week Older Boy and Middle Boy are staying with Jane for the week and we have Younger Boy here with us. He spent a weekend with Middle Boy at her home the first weekend of the month.

I’m feeling a little guilty because I don’t have a longing, missing feeling for them. I know that FH misses them like crazy. But I’m currently enjoying the quiet and less chaotic times. I’ve also been feeling rather disconnected from the boys. Even with Younger Boy I’ve felt disconnected lately and have been working on feeling that attachment to him again.

I’m not sure why. I think it might be a combination of being pregnant, them being gone, the looming reality that life is about to get even more chaotic, and me really enjoying some peace and quiet work days.

I guess that’s just the life of a stepmother though. I don’t care for them any less. I don’t love them any less. I don’t desire or wish the best for them any less. I also don’t loath them coming back. I’m just not missing their presence at the moment. It’s a sort of limbo … or perhaps it’s my way of trying to cope with the reality that more huge change is on the way.

I honestly look forward to a day when perhaps life will be a little more set and not so many new, big changes are happening all at once. I know change is unavoidable, but this is A LOT of BIG change happening all at the same time.

I Get The Good Stuff

Younger Boy started his pre-Kindergarten prep camp this week. It’s two weeks long but this is his first taste of a school-like setting and he gets to play and do stuff with kids his own age.

His teacher told me that he has been one of the happiest children there and always sings the loudest and is always just so excited and happy to do things. I told her that he’s been asking me for about a year and a half now when he gets to go to school so he’s just so happy to be able to have something of his own.

He’s so excited that on Tuesday when his school was cancelled for the day (a body was discovered in the park next door) that the poor child about cried. I felt horrible, even though I know it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t dump the body there, geesh.

Yesterday though it hit me … I may not be his “mommy” but I sure as heck get to enjoy the little things by being his “mom.” I was the one who got to see his face light up with excitement when I picked him up because he was just so excited to tell me about his day and about all the thins he did. I’m also the one who gets to hold his hand and be a part of this new chapter of his life where he starts school in the fall. And I’m the one who got to be a part of all this preparation for him to start school in the fall.

Sometimes I get hung up on the lack of child-mother bond with the boys. Or sometimes I get hung up on the fact that I’m not their birth mother. So I’m trying to really soak in all the good stuff that I do get to be a part of. And I try to give myself credit because a lot of this good stuff wouldn’t be happening without me being a part of their lives…mainly because a lot of it didn’t start happening until I became a part of their lives.

I also remind myself that she might always be their "mommy" but she has continuously made the choice not to be their "mom." And that I'm the one who has continuously, despite the nasty moments, made the choice to be the one that is here for them, to nurture them, to help guide them and love them and experience life with them. I get to be the difference in their lives. And isn't that what all people want? To make a difference in at least one person's life in a lifetime?

And I think that’s really something to be proud of and thankful for.

Baby Update: I’m at 29 weeks now, and so many people keep telling me that I look like I’m going to have this baby in August instead of in September. Which I promise I don’t mind the baby coming early I just would hope it would be a health 2-3 weeks early instead of a whole month early. I do know that I wish the little blossom would stop wedging her foot underneath my ribcage. She also really enjoys kicking me on the right side of my rib cage. I’ve been joking that she’s trying to get hers in now…it makes sense to me. Ha ha.

Karma Comes Back Around

Hello everyone. My name is Crys, and I have a pretween. What is a pretween you may ask. Well, it’s that age range from about 9-11 years of age. You know, before the child is a tween. The very, very beginning of tweendomhood. I could only assume it’s like a toddler learning to walk. The child takes one step to feel it out, then another step and another and then the child falls flat on his or her padded diapered butt. And the child looks to see his or her mother’s reaction. If it’s a look of horror the child cries, if it’s “eh, you’ll be fine” then the child may push back up onto wobbly feet and try again.

Except with a pretween it’s not learning to walk. Its learning how to have an attitude with ones’ parents and seeing just how much of an attitude can be flung. It’s desperately trying to break free from the stigma of being a *gasp* “child.” Its wanting to be old enough to be left home alone, yet without considering the responsibility of having to be responsible when you’re left home alone. It’s also when the child is still oh so very unsure of what is going on and may want to leave a bit of a grip on childhood (without claiming to it) because responsibility is scary.

At least this is what I’ve observed with Older Boy. Earlier last year (around his ninth birthday) Older Boy informed me that he doesn’t like playing with toys. I told him “OK.” He wanted books, clothes, money or gift cards. I tried to spread the word but unfortunately only a few people got the memo. Same thing around Christmas. Some people thought they were being clever by getting him more older kid toys (like a magic set). However, Older Boy put focus into such toys for about a day to a week and then he was done with it.

My mom discovered that drawing supplies were the next way to go with him. Yet, it possible to receive too many sketch pads when you’re a growing and active boy. This past couple of months I’ve observed him testing the waters with responses like “Whatever” and “I don’t care” and “Sup.” The day I heard him greet his grandma over the phone with a “Sup” was the day that it dawned on me that “Oh no, he’s becoming a pretween.”

It was around his tenth birthday a couple months ago that I noticed that it wasn’t just him, but that his other 9-10 year old friends also had the same water-testing “I don’t care” attitudes. Sometimes they just didn’t care and other times they had to revert back to the unsure “Ask your mom … Ask your dad ….” I’m pretty sure I heard “Welcome to the Jungle” playing in the background that day.

I already informed Older Boy that if I ever ask him to make a choice about something and he answers with an "I don't care," then I'm going to make the choice for him and I'm NOT going to care about what he thinks of that choice. He has since then not replied with an "I don't care." If only my mom had said that to me she may have saved herself a few headaches.

I think that I ought to be paid a stipend to deal with the child transition from child to pretween. And then maybe double it for the tween to teenager stage. I’ve only been doing this instant mom thing for almost 2 years and at the moment I can’t have a good stiff drink to cope at the moment. First it was the potty training, then it was the learning to read/write tantrums, then it was being pregnant and now it’s living with a pretween. I’m learning that this having kids stuff means that life will always be interesting. And that having other people’s children makes life never, ever boring.

My mom posted on her Facebook wall a copy and paste meme about “Daughters Week” or something like that and “Post this to show how much you love your daughters.” My mom posted a photo of us and wrote “These are my two most amazing blessings!!!! My life would be so boring if I didn't have them in my life!!! I am so grateful for these two beautiful and independent girls!!”

I’ve also concluded that karma comes around for all kinds of actions. And that your kids’ actions might have something to do with the karma you deserve for your actions as a kid. And that sometimes in life, you get to deal with the karma of other people who decide that being a parent is too much work.

I’m hoping that karma from my childhood will be nice to me since I’ve decided that other people’s children are too wonderful of an opportunity to pass up.

Preggo Update: I’m at 28 weeks this week. Hello third trimester. And hello swollen feet and “everything” gives me heartburn. I was most disappointed to find out that a handful of Raisinettes was actually the devil in disguise. I’m hanging in there though! It’s just around the corner!

Hello 2010

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
- Anonymous

I’ve had a hard time trying to find something to write about lately. First I was sick, and then things just started piling up. And here I am at almost 3 in the AM – and awake.

Some of you may remember that instead of resolutions I more find a mantra to follow for the year. Well, 2010 is a huge year for me and I’m already feeling it. The truth of where I’ve been is stressed out and panicking. I’m supposed to be getting married next month and I don’t know how we’re going to pay for the wedding. It’s a little hard to get all of the finishing touches going when you know you don’t have the money.

I’ve been trying to qualify for a loan. However, apparently I just don’t make enough money. I don’t make enough money at my job for the credit union to feel comfortable enough to loan me money. Basically, between college and having to be an adult and do things for myself and now having to be an instant parent and provide for children I have debt. And between what I make and the payments I’m supposed to be making (even though they’re counting things I don’t pay) I just about break even and so on their paperwork I don’t have any extra money to pay them back.

We’ve been scrambling. I’ve been scrambling to find a second job that I can handle and not completely overwhelm myself with. FH has been trying to find extra money from his paychecks to give me so I can try to pay off my debt. So please send a good thought my way that I’ve managed to pay off enough to qualify for a loan.

I called the wedding venue place that is basically the whole she-bang. They handle the ceremony, the reception, the cake, the dj, the catering, the set up, the clean up. They’re a great package. And we’ve got a great discount. But with three kids we pay for full time, and trying to pay off our debt we just haven’t been able to save up enough. Anyway, I called them to find out my options. And I got lectured about how maybe we shouldn’t have tried to plan something that we couldn’t afford.

Well, a year ago we totally thought we could save up the money. We really did. And I didn’t want to go get hitched for cheap in Reno or Tahoe or Vegas. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it’s just I wanted a nice little intimate wedding. I figured that since I was trading in my hopes and dreams of this dream life I wasn’t getting I could at least get my small intimate wedding … right?

So here I am. Awake because I’m stressed and am trying so hard to be positive that this is all going to pull through last minute. And I’m frustrated because I’ve come to the realization that I’ve kind of lost my way. Back to the top – I’ve been trying to find a mantra for this year. What is 2010 going to be for me?

At first I thought it was going to be the Year of Tranquil Transitions. I thought just maybe if I thought about how I was going to spend the year calmly and patiently going through these crazy new transitions that it would maybe just happen; except these first few weeks have been anything but tranquil. And the reality keeps hitting me of the new transitions I’m about to go through. All of this – wife, instant mother, daughter-in-law, etc. is about to all become official.

It’s a bit frightening when you’re finally looking it in the face. So I think that 2010 is going to be the Year of Recreating Myself. I say “recreate” because every time I think I’ve “found” myself something happens and I find myself having to “find” myself all over again.

So here’s the breakdown:

2006 – The Year To Take Risks
2007 – The Year To Take Smart Risks
2008 – The Year To Be Optimistic and Think Positively
2009 – The Year Of Being A Positive Influence
2010 – The Year of Recreating Myself

And some of the few things bringing me peace are the thoughts that I’m not the only one who has found herself in this position. I can only assume that hundreds of instant parents have had to recreate themselves too. And that I will get past these hurdles. I know deep down that I’m much stronger than I give myself credit for.

Now I have to remember to believe in it over just saying it to myself.

Actions Cause Reactions

My Editorial Directior had a post it on her desk that said “Actions Cause Reactions.” It had become my mantra almost two years ago when I had first noticed it. It helped when it came to dealing with a lot of difficult people both in and out of the workplace. It has continued to be my mantra into my new life as an instant mother in a new family.

I’ve decided to look at “this” in a whole new light.

First off – I’ve concluded that I got so heated because Jane lied and tried to manipulate. There’s nothing I dislike more than a liar and a manipulator. Generally I cut those types of people out of my life because I have no room for those types of people. However, considering I signed myself up to participate in the packaged deal – She’s the fine writing at the bottom. Damn – Right?

So that brings me to this other saying I’ve learned throughout life to embrace over the years.

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”
– Maya Angelou

And I’ve come to realize that I can’t change Jane. But I can control how I see and perceive things. So my new perspective on this Christmas is that FH and I will be able to spend our first holiday together with each other.

I’m going to embrace the opportunity to spend a special day with the loving, wonderful man I have given my love and trust to. We will get to spend time with the boys later, and I’m OK with that. But in the mean time I will cherish and take advantage of the opportunity to sit back with FH and a cup of wine and enjoy some time together – Just the two of us (and the cat).

The Need to Purge and Release

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and understanding. I think a lot of it was a ton of built up stress, and the fact pointed out that FH and I really need to try to get some time to ourselves to work on our relationship. If we don’t take care of us then there is a greater chance it just won’t work out. Right?

I very much needed to get the feelings out, and then sleep on it. I felt a bit better this morning, although I’m still stressed.

Another part of it is just stress from wedding planning. I never dreamed I’d be paying for my own wedding, at least I always figured I’d have some financial help. But in the current economy both our parents are strapped for cash as well. I also never counted on having to pay for three kids that weren’t mine. Considering FH and I are the only ones providing for them, that down right frustrates me when I’m no longer able to treat myself to my once a month splurge.

I finally allowed myself to order coffee from a coffee shop as my treat for the month because it had been about two months since I had done so.

Another stressor is that FH got a second job on the weekends, which leaves me and the boys home all weekend together. It’s not that I don’t like hanging out with just me and the boys, but it was a very long weekend without him there. Especially since on Saturday I wasn’t sure of when he’d be home and it was a very long waiting day. And then on Sunday the boys decided it would be the day to not listen, bother each other without mercy, and to totally act up to the point that I was pulling my hair out.

A big part of me wishes that I had been the one to pick up a second job just for the sanity of getting out of the house and conversing with others. But another part of me thinks a second job would not be mentally sound for me right now. I’ve always been the super do it all woman, but lately I’m just exhausted with all the current stress factors.

I also just don’t know who to turn to sometimes. It’s bad enough I’ve never had an easy time reaching out. But when it comes to feeling frustrated about the situation it’s not easy to talk to just anyone about it. I feel like if I don’t get it out then I’m going to bottle it up. And yet on the second hand I need to work on not getting so frustrated with it. Jane’s not going to change and this is most likely how life will continue to be.

BTW, thank you for the idea of swapping babysitting nights. I know I have other people out there who are always willing and have told me to let them know if we would like a night off. I think in the madness of wedding planning events the last two and half weeks and feeling pinched because we just don’t have any money to spare this week (it’s the week in the month where I pay all my big bills and FH doesn’t have any money left over either) I’m just feeling like I’ve dug myself into a big hole and I can’t figure out how to get out.

I find that even though I’ve been doing this for a year there are still a lot of things I’m having to adjust and adapt too when it comes to having children in your life. I assume this is something almost every parent feels as their child grows and becomes a different person. Throwing sass one day and hugs the next. I also assume that the fact that I’m raising someone else’s children with no previous experience of my own is another punch being thrown at me.

I’ve Felt Smothered

I have felt so smothered these past couple of weeks. I have been so incredibly busy, so incredibly broke, and so incredibly on edge. I have not had any real time to relax, unwind and recharge. I’ve had a couple of opportunities that just didn’t do the job. My future hubby and I haven’t really had a chance to spend time together either. It is so frustrating.

Can we backup to one of the main reasons why I feel so suffocated and smothered and stuck? Jane has canceled left and right for one reason or another. She canceled the first week of October because she was sick. She canceled the second week of October because she didn’t time manage accordingly. She saw the boys the third week and even doubled up the fourth week. And yet, FH and I weren't able to have a date night alone any of these days due to errands and things we had to do. Then she skipped the first week of November because she didn’t get her shit together and let us know her days off until it was at the point that our schedule was busy and planned. And she was fine with that since she had seen them twice the week before. And now, she's canceled tonight's visit.

Seriously!?! I need a date night alone with FH. I need a night alone. I need a night out with the girls or myself or my friends that doesn’t involve feeling stuck here during gaming night. I don’t know what I need. I need a break from all of it before I completely freak out. I need a break from being an instant mom for just a couple of hours. Who am I kidding, I need a spa day where I can focus on and take care of me. I need a day to be number one again because throwing myself into instant motherhood cold turkey has been insane.

*breathes*

I’m anxiously awaiting Friday. Friday I’m heading out to that small little middle of an orchard in the middle of no where town I grew up in to hang out with my best friend from high school. I keep trying to ground myself with the chant of “This is the choice you made” but it really doesn’t help all that much … Especially when lately it’s been followed by a silent “What the hell was I thinking?”

There have been moments when I’ve found myself thinking “There is a reason you were single and without kids” and then I remind myself “You’re engaged and have instant kids. Deal with it.” Some of you might know that feeling. I think that’s the only thing helping at this moment. Knowing that I’m not the first and I’m not the last that is going to have to deal with this.

I’m not alone. And as crappy as the situation is, and as much as I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone, it helps to know that I’m not alone. So thank you to all of you for choosing to be in the situation too.

Thankful for the Preview

Despite the “taboo” of living together before getting married, with three kids in the picture I just felt that I had to do it. I was raised Roman Catholic. Since high school I have learned to develop my own ideas. But the “sin” of living together before marriage kept echoing in my head. (Those echoes are hard to turn off after being dragged to church three times a week and having nuns and priests preach down on you about how you are sinning and sure to be sent to burn in hell unless you ask for forgiveness.) After a while thought I said “F” that!

The other big risk that came with living together was of course sacrificing life as I knew it. Like in Izzy Rose’s book “The Packaged Deal” I too sat there many nights before and after moving in thinking to myself amidst tears and frustration and overwhelming feelings “This had better F-ing work out.”

As I mentioned in my last entry, September 15th was my one year anniversary as an instant mom. It involved leaving my dream career, my sister, my friends and my single-gal lifestyle. Being thrown into an instant mom life was by far not easy. Having to figure out meals for a family of five, caring for children full time (that weren’t mine), living with people and trying to hang on to my sanity overnight in no way can be mentally healthy for anyone.

But hey, I’m still here. And I’ve seriously thought about it the last couple of days.

Moving in before getting married has giving me the following:

One – An opportunity to see what daily life might be like. Before I moved in it was me, my sister and the cats. Life wasn’t quite as organized and dinner might range anywhere from a beer and some good food at a pub to a baked potato at home. Socialization was on my terms and if I just wanted to lie around in my room with a book or a DVD I could. Not that I jumped into this relationship and situation with plans on leaving, but by not being married I could indeed still leave if it just wasn’t what I wanted for myself.

Two – An opportunity to experience the crap of living in the aftermath of divorce without feeling trapped. I had a huge epiphany yesterday. I honestly think that had I gotten married and moved in and had to experience some of the things I have had to – I really think that I would have likely felt more bitterly about it feeling like I was trapped by the bounds of marriage. I really hate feeling I’m being forced into something without a choice. Whenever I’ve come across the “I didn’t sign up for this” notion I’ve reminded myself that I did make the decision to be a part of it, and that I was still making the choice to be a part of it. I think having the option to be able to leave has really made me appreciate my situation more. I am making the choice to be here. I’m not trapped and being forced to experience this with no way out. And even though we’re not married yet, I think that living together before hand has helped to make me stronger and more aware of what life is going to be like.

Three – The opportunity to slowly adjust to life with a man and his children, and an opportunity to experience what life is like to be a part of something bigger than myself. I have had so many friends who have gotten married and then found that they just couldn’t tolerate life together afterward. I’ve seen relationships fall apart after moving in with each other. Do I totally love living with all the aspects of an all male household? No way! There is no way in hell that I love smelling the silent and deadly gas that seems to occur every day. There’s no way I love hearing the daily complaining and yelling and whining. But, I’ve learned that these are things that I can tolerate living with. And that the man and boys I’ve chosen to live with I love more and more each day … despite their smelly gas and constant noise.

So after a year I’ve come to realize that I really am thankful for the opportunity to preview what life might be like after marriage. I’m even more thankful for the opportunity to experience all of this with the option to walk away from it. It has made me appreciate it that much more. And despite that we’ve been living together for a year, both my fiancé and I are still absolutely excited about getting married. Our living together hasn’t ruined the excitement of “What’s to come” because there is still so much to come after marriage for us and our new little family.

Wishing And Hoping For Jane

I’m Back!!!! Michigan was amazing! And crazy! And oh do I have stories and photos to prove it. I also found that a male gives the best ever pedicures and manicures. Every mom definitely deserves to sit in one of those sweet massage chairs and get pampered once in a while. I was long over due. My mini-vacation was definitely some good quality me-time.

September 15th was my official one year anniversary as an instant mom. Whoa. Where did the time go? I thought about writing a big old reflecting entry, but Jane has messed up that. So instead I will share a couple of random introspective thoughts I had on the plane ride back, and then get the “Wishing and Hoping” out of my system.

After a year of being an instant mom:

*I find that I crave for silence and peace and calm whenever I can get it. Whether that be having my fiancé drop me off at Starbucks so I can sit there at a table surrounded by calm. Sitting in the house petting Nasty Cat while soaking in the quiet and still moment when my fiancé is at work, Younger Boy is napping and Older and Middle Boy are at school. I used to wish for companionship and how I just want some quiet and calm time to myself. Even if it’s just 5 minutes – I’ll take it!

*I find that not giving in to frustration is amazing. As an example: The boys started out wanting T*co B*ll over homemade enchiladas. And now they guzzle up homemade egg drop soup and clam marinara sauce over pasta. And that all happened in less than a year. Who would have thought!

*It feels nice to hear the boys refer to us as “my family.” I lowered my expectations of what to expect from the boys and their acceptance of me and our lives together have soared past it. I about cried at my homemade Mother’s Day photo. And having Middle Boy run up to me to give me a hug when I picked him up from their school and after-school program … it was seriously one of the happiest and vivid moments I’ve ever experienced.

*I’m thankful that I have friends who have been children of divorce who have been more than willing to help give me advice and share their experiences with me. Having parents that have been married for 30 years now doesn’t exactly help me relate to a child of divorce. And although I know that everyone’s experience is different, I take in any education and knowledge that I can get. And I am thankful for the opportunity to gain it.

*I am very thankful for all the support I have had and still have as an instant mom. I’m thankful for my fiancé, my parents, my family, my friends and of course all of you other moms and stepmoms. I know there is still a very long road ahead of me, but being able to make it through this first year helps me feel more secure in my new life. Back in college a friend once told me “Your friends believe in you Crys, But you have to believe in you too.” And I do believe in me, but having others believe in me too has helped a lot when the going gets tough.

Hoping and Wishing
Tonight was one of the nights that we brought the boys over to see Jane. We tried to slip in an extra day for her to spend with the boys this weekend. My fiancé called me up to tell me that the extra Saturday didn’t look like it was going to work because Jane had a meeting for a fish society that she belonged too. Then he told me that she was thinking of maybe bringing the two older boys with her.

Well, first my blood boiled because she was again leaving out Younger Boy. Then my heart rate jumped a notch when I thought about it some more – A fish society meeting as your day to spend with your children? Now I work in the pet industry … with includes exotics like fish. I’ve also been to many other niche related meeting. I’ve sat through a veterinary presentation for small mammals, I’ve sat through a bird behavior presentation, and sorority meetings. I’ve sat through all kinds of editors and internet related meetings. And seriously, a meeting where business is being conducted or a presenter is trying to teach something (unless it's directed for and created for children) is not a place for children. It also isn’t the place to spend quality time with your children, in my opinion at least.

I honestly didn’t know what angered me more; the fact that she was leaving Younger Boy out again or that she wasn’t putting the kids best interest first. Because I can tell you now that unless there is a TV or video game on those two boys cannot sit still and focus on something they have no interest in. Luckily, Jane checked her fish society’s website and found out that the meeting had been rescheduled so all three of the boys get to spend some time with her that day after all.

And here it is. My wishing and hoping are that Jane will get a clue and put her children first one day. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, it doesn’t even have to be next month. But I just hope that for her sake, and for theirs, that one of these days she’ll put effort into spending a good quality day with them doing stuff with them because she wants to, and not just because she has to.

That is a wish and a hope that I have for her after my first year experience as an instant mom.

Struggling with the Negative Attitude

As you may remember for me 2009 is The Year of the Coffee Bean … a.k.a The Year of Being a Positive Influence. Along with that you may remember that I’ve really been struggling in connecting with and working with Middle Boy. Today was another one of those Bang Head on Wall days.

Older Boy and Middle Boy started school yesterday at their new elementary school. Older Boy is in fourth grade and has already made some friends. Middle Boy is in first grade and has told us that he has still not made any friends.

Now trust me when I say that I have been trying ever so hard to be helpful and positive. I’ve pointed out that it’s the second day of school and that sometime making really good friends just takes a couple of days. Both Older Boy and I have given suggestions to Middle Boy on how to go about talking to kids in his class – like asking if he can play; asking if the other kid would like to play; asking the kid simple things like what is your name, who is your favorite transformer … blah, blah, blah.

Middle Boy informed me this morning that he hasn’t tried to make friends with any of the kids in his class because all the kids in his class are ugly.

Can I tell you how hard it was to hold back that frustration and disappointment? Now don’t get me wrong. I clearly remember getting angry with a friend back in first grade and telling her “Well you can’t come to my birthday party!” Now that was the ultimate insult. Whether I planned on inviting her or not, being told that you’re not invited to someone’s birthday party is an absolute diss! But to hear that negativity come out of his mouth seriously made me feel rather saddened and disappointed inside.

I really wasn’t quite sure how to respond to it. I calmly told him that was not a very good reason to not try to be friends with someone. Then the following conversation occurred:

Me: How would you feel if someone said “I don’t want to be friends with Middle Boy because he’s ugly.”
MB: I would feel sad.
Me: How do you know that some of those kids don’t want to be your friends?
MB: I don’t know.

I’ve talked to my future hubby about trying to talk to Middle Boy about this.

I completely understand being the new kid at school. I’ve been there both as a kid and an adult. I understand being shy. But I seriously have a hard time understanding this sort of negative and hurtful view. And lately it seems that Middle Boy is all about not giving a darn about other people’s feelings. I also can't tell if he just doesn't want to put forth the effort to try and make friends or if he's perhaps throwing his negative "I'm better than thou" attitude at these kids. Because if someone said and did the sort of things that he's been doing lately, I wouldn't want to be his friend either.

The other statement he said to me today included:

Me: So did you get to meet your teacher today? (His first day of school he had a sub.)
MB: Yes.
Me: What was she like? Is she nice?
MB: She’s almost fat.
Me: Oh Middle Boy, I hope that you didn’t say that out loud to anyone …Especially in front of her.
MB: I didn’t.

I’m sure there is a parenting book out there on it. If it was clearly labeled “How to work with the Middle Child of Divorce who is in the ‘I don’t care about other people’s feelings’ stage” then I’d be all set. But I don’t think that any publisher out there would be willing to publish that title.

I’m a little at a loss. I want to think that this is a normal stage for kids to go through. I want to think that there is a really simple and easy solution for this. But at the moment I’m really stumped at how to approach it. I’m Ms. Positive Attitude here. I’ve been doing really, really well with being Ms. Positive Attitude. But Ms. Positive Attitude is getting a little frustrated with Mr. Negative and Rude. And at the same time I’m wondering what other factors could be contributing to this attitude. If it’s something along with Middle Child Syndrome; if it’s something with being a child of divorce; if it has anything to do with the type of attitude that Jane has been an example of. Maybe it’s a combination of all of the above, or maybe not. Maybe this is just something every parent has to deal with once in a while when the right personality is unwound in a child.

Sometimes I think being an instant mom blows. My fiancé has been a parent for about 9 years … I’ve been a parent (and with Jane’s help I’ve had to become a main staple parent) for almost 12 months. [That’s right. My one year anniversary as an instant mom is coming up on September 14th.]

Does anyone want to get a martini with me and unwind?

Children Discovering They CAN Do It

I have been living in the joy of firsts the past week or so with Younger Boy. I’ve realized that there is nothing quite as exciting, beautiful or heart warming as when a child realizes that he CAN do something by himself. I think part of it is that when I first came I realized just how not independent the boys were, and ever since I moved in with them in September last year I’ve been working ever so hard to help the boys each to discover their independence.

However since most of my time is spent with Younger Boy I’ve noticed his light bulb going on a lot more. Last week while Middle Boy was at Jane’s on his special weekend we brought the boys to the swimming pool. We had signed up the two older boys for swimming lessons so they could learn how to swim and gain some confidence in the water. (And I felt a whole lot safer about them going to the pool with Jane if they at least had some of the basics down.)

I personally had never been to a pool with Younger Boy. He’s gone before with my fiancé, Jane and his Auntie Allison. However I had never gone with him. I didn’t know how he had been allowed to participate in the water or what others had generally taught him about the water. We put a little life vest on him so that he would at least be able to float.

At the pool itself and brought him into the water past the steps he started clinging to the wall or me for dear life. I decided that for that time in the pool I was going to teach him how to blow bubbles and feel more comfortable in the pool. It got to the point where he was no longer clinging to the wall or me, just simple holding my hand. I taught him to kick his legs and eventually we were gliding across the pool … I was pulling him and he was kicking. We all decided to climb in the hot tub to warm up before we went back home. That’s when he looked up and me and my fiancé and declared “I can learn to swim!” And with that he was pushing off from one side, gliding across and floating himself.

After we had returned home and dechlorinated I found out from my fiancé that as far as he knew Younger Boy had never had that experience before. I felt proud of myself and very proud of Younger Boy for not only taking the challenge on, but for realizing that he can do something himself.

Another thing he’s been learning is that he can brush his teeth by himself. We used to do it for him and over the weekend I had the idea that “Maybe I can brunch my teeth with him.” I figured if the boy could learn to wipe his butt then he could by far learn to brush his teeth. I wasn’t sure how much he’d grasp but figured it wouldn’t hurt to give it a shot.

We stood side by side looking in the big mirror in the bathroom and he mimicked my movements while I brushed my teeth. It was really exhilarating when he realized that he was brushing his teeth like I was. His eyes got big, he got a look of excitement and then his eyes glittered with joy. I about jumped for joy myself watching him.

Despite the frustration of raising a toddler (much less a toddler that has just had to go through a divorce and the confusion of having Jane as a mother) I have absolutely been embracing this chance to raise a child and teach him how to do things. These little accomplishments that each of the boys has reached since I’ve moved in help me realize that maybe I’m not doing all that bad of a job after all.

Updates: Nasty Cat is home from kitty jail. He’s been rather lovey dovey ever since he came home and by that I mean that he’s wanted to be pet and cuddled a lot more than he used to want from us.

Also we’re going on vacation next week up in Oregon and Washington. So please don’t think that I’m ignoring you or have disappeared into the land of the unknown. I’ll be back and I’m sure I’ll have all kinds of stories to share. And I’m totally using all of your road trip tips that you have been posting.

Bonding Inadequately With Stepkids

I’ve been feeling rather inadequate lately in my bonding with/creating relationships with the boys. And by that I mean that I feel that I’m bonding more with some of them than with others and that kind of rather bothers me.

I often have to remind myself that I’ve only been in this lifestyle for about a year now and that for what it’s worth we have all come a long way with our relationships with each other, as well as adjusting to our new life together.

Perhaps it’s that missing link … you know … that link – that feeling – that parental unspoken magnetic bond that parents are supposed to have with their children. I think it’s just that void, that hole, that missing feeling that I feel ought to be there but since I’m not their biological mother it’s just not there. And that trying my best and beyond my best is going to have to just be good enough. I just still feel rather lonely sometimes. Despite the fact that I’m surrounded by much love I still feel like I’m just not a part of it yet. It’s frustrating. I’m so much a part of this family, yet sometimes I still feel like the outsider.

My relationship with Younger Boy is probably the strongest one I have. And it makes sense I think. I spend all day with him. He’s the youngest and was 2 years old when I first entered his life. I’ve been there to teach him skills like potty training, putting his clothes on by himself, buckling up his seat belt by himself. I’ve also been there to hug him when Jane didn’t want him to come over, to help him develop his own independence and to show him that there is more to life then just watching TV or your brothers play video games.

With the other two I can’t quite say that I’ve spent the amount of hours with. I try to find things that we can share. I have grilled peanut butter sandwiches with Older boy and pizza tortillas with Middle Boy. I also try to find other activities or games or really just anything that I can do with them.

I took Older Boy to a science day at the library, and I introduced him to his beloved Goosebumps books. I went on a field trip to the zoo with Middle Boy and I was also able to attend one of his honor roll ceremonies (assemblies) at school.

Perhaps it’s also that Older Boy and Middle Boy remember what life was like B.C. ("Before Crys" as FH and I have lovingly dubbed it). And I know for a fact that life B.C. was a lot different than it is now. I can sometimes see the confusion on their faces when they remember things … Mostly in Older Boy though you can see the torn expressions. He sometimes asks me things like “How come I never did this before?” or “How come we never went *insert place* before?” I don’t want to bash life before me so my best answer is simply “Well, you’re doing it now, right?”

Older Boy is very thoughtful. He obviously doesn’t want to bash his biological mother, but he’s also pretty pleased with how things are going for the most part now. I wish there was some words of wisdom that I could tell him to ease any frustration.

I wish there was also words of wisdom out there that could help me feel better about my situation. I think that for now all I can really do is continue to work on my relationships with the boys individually as well as a family. It has been a challenge thus far, but oh so worth the frustration.

I Need A Toddler 101 Crash Course

Being an instant mom and all, I’m in need of a little help. OK, I’m in need of more than just a little help but I’ve made some new discoveries lately. Or perhaps it’s more that Younger Boy has made some new discoveries and I’m perplexed about how to go about them.

Butt Dunking
If I’m home alone with Younger Boy I’m usually the one who responds to the call of “I need a wipe!” If I’m home with my future hubby I totally share the love and let him know that it’s his turn to respond to the call of action. (He’s so wonderful and always cooperates!) Anyway, this very morning I heard the call and I went in there.

Younger Boy popped up off the seat and assumed the “wipe” position. That’s when I noticed that his butt was dripping with water. And then the light bulb went on in my head. All those times I wondered why there was water on the toilet seat (and it really was water not straight I missed the bowl urine) and all those times I’d found random water sloshes on the floor. I’d even seen Younger Boy balancing himself over the seat lid and dipping low enough. Here I was thinking he was just trying to get his aim and balance right. No! That boy has been dunking his butt into the water when he poops! (The dirty sloshes of water also make sense now because I sure as hell could not figure out how poopy water was getting onto the top of the toilet seat.)

So, do you think repeatedly telling him that dipping your butt into the toilet water just isn’t a good idea because it’s dirty and has germs and could get you (or me) sick? I’d totally get the kid a bidet if we had room, could afford it, and I thought that the rest of the family would be appreciative of it, but that’s a little out of the way budget and room wise right now.

The Killer Bugs
Younger Boy has developed a recent and new fear of bugs. I assume it has something to do with the bee that he angered one day at the park. My future hubby and the boys were playing some baseball when Younger Boy came tearing ass in the middle of it and a big, black bee was tailing him. He, luckily, avoided any stinging. However, the poor love has sure as heck has been scared of bugs since.

I’ve tried convincing him that not all bugs are totally bad and that he’s bigger then them. However, that’s not the easiest task when bees, yellow jackets and wasps are small too.

So if you have any ideas on how to soothe his fear that would be great too.

Thomas is Boring
Younger Boy needs new toys. By “new toys” I mean really great stimulating toys that aren’t Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends. That’s really all he has. He loves his Play-doh, and Finger Painting and the larger (pre-school sized) legos. He also loves coloring and tearing the paper off of crayons. However, there are a lot of hours in the day and once he’s done all those things all he has left is Thomas. And he has been getting really bored of Thomas in which he declares "Crys, I don't want to play with Thomas." (Which I’ve been trying to tell his aunts and grandmothers since they’re the ones who keep buying him Thomas stuff, but of course he’s always willing to play with them if you have them for him so it doesn’t help his cause when he’s sitting at home bored out of his mind because he’s tired of playing with Thomas.)

So, I’ve never been a little boy. All the experience I have with little boys has been with infant boys or boys 10 years old or older. I have no idea what kind/types of toys would be good for an active, curious and creative 3-year-old. I’m wondering if possibly those really big, big puzzles or in general some more puzzles would be good for him. And by regular “puzzles” I mean the types that have just a fire truck or a square and you match the object to its respective hole.

We got him a lift-the-flap interactive Spot the dog book also, but when I'm working during the day I need something that he can play with. Any independent toy ideas are welcome because I’m just apparently out of the loop of what it out there now-a-days.

I need a care sheet like the ones I’ve prepared for bird and small animal owners that lists the different toy groups and the different types of play. They say parrots are like toddlers. Maybe I can use the bird one…that’s an starting point! Right?

I Need To Recharge

I've been meaning to blog for days now. I've sat down to do it, and then something happens. And I can’t catch up. It's not that I feel I'm experiencing a set back in life, I just literally feel like I can’t catch up because the job never ends. No matter how much I get done at work or how crappy of a day I’ve had at work, I’m never done working. By that I mean that I don’t get to come home from work and sit on the couch and get a few minutes because there is my other job as instant mom. There are no minutes to sit down, relax and try to catch my breath.

I need to recharge. I simply have not been able to fully recharge in the couple of kid-free hours I get alone to myself every Sunday (And that is if Jane doesn’t call to cancel.)

My fiancé is on vacation this week. I thought... I really thought that it would be helpful in giving me a break. But it’s not really. I don’t have to drop the kids off at school or pick them up. But I still have to do the other stuff I do every day. There are still crying fits, and yelling, and having to find things because the boys don’t thoroughly look hard enough when they’ve lost something, and there are drippy noses, and chattering, and constant reminding.

That last part has been the teetering of my patience lately. I think my patience is broken. Although I think it’s more the fact that I’m tired of saying things, repeating things, reminding of things multiple times. I don’t mind repeating myself a second time, and I’ll hold my tongue and remind a third time, but when it’s constantly reminding of things (we’re talking I’ve said it over and over and over again) it’s really starting to just frustrate me. We’ve constantly had to remind the older boys that “You need to put your toys/things/equipment away someplace that you can easily find it and so Younger Boy can’t get to it,” – it’s been about six months since I’ve been preaching that one.

And Younger Boy is in this phase…have I told you about this phase? We’ll he’s decided that he’s incapable of performing any actions without my permission or without me having told him the words to do so. This includes going to the bathroom, blowing his nose, turning the light off or on in a room and closing the door. We’re at the point where we are trying to ignore him until he does it himself…but that is a drain. An example, he stands there in the doorway to his room telling me “I have to go potty.” He says this about 10–15 times before he comes and stands next to me. “I have to go potty” another 10–15 times. Then a “I just have to go potty,” as he finally turns and walks to the bathroom sputtering a couple more “I just have to go potty” phrases. Right now he’s sitting in the doorway to his room saying, “The lights off.” He’s only said it about five times…but this expression of ‘I’m helpless and can’t do anything without you” is driving me up the wall. Especially because he was doing all of this just fine about a month ago, without asking me permission/needing my verbal OK on it. This phase came out of no where … WTF?!?

That’s motherhood, right? They go through phases? They’ll get it eventually, right? Because I’m so exhausted…I’m so exhausted of having to find everything, all the time. I’m so exhausted of having to remind them of everything, all the time. I’m so exhausted of hearing the same phrase uttered 20 times when he knows, and has been told he doesn’t need my permission. I feel like a broken record. And really, I’m not bitter, I’m not furious, I’m not about to leave. But I’m just so frustrated that it’s seems like they’re not listening and understanding. It’s the whole “in one ear and out the other” deal.

Where was I? I need to recharge. But I don’t know how to recharge in my new lifestyle. I’ve been trying all kinds of things, trust me. None of them really work, because at some point in the month I always seem to end up back here. Or maybe that’s just the new deal I signed up for. I’m not necessarily experiencing a feeling of hopelessness, but more a feeling of being pushed to the limit and oh, so exhausted. There has to be some sort of balance, right?

How do you recharge with kids in the house? I’m beginning to understand that being a stepmother is not only the most challenging thing I’ve ever taken on, but that I’m having to re-invent myself (again) to a lifestyle that I not only jumped into headfirst, but am learning as I go along. Not that any parent really understands what they’re getting into when they have kids, but it’s kind of rough when you’re the new parent to kids that have been around a couple of years…and you feel like you ought to already know more than you think you do. Or maybe I’m just not giving myself enough credit. I’m guilty of that often because I always think that there’s someway to better myself. The learning process is never over in my mind.

I enforce my positive thinking daily, and look for happy little moments. That’s what gets me through the day. Because what I've learned is that life happens, no matter what. And you need to find something that is going to help you get through it.

My First Doctor Visit As An Instant Mom

I seriously need to work at this “relaxing” and “letting it out” thing. I’m exhausted from staying up so late last night, but it made a huge difference. Instead of holding all those feelings inside which kept building up and up, I got them out.

I felt the difference when I heard “I have a drippy nose” about 12 times this afternoon in one go, and I was able to ignore it and not get all anxious and frustrated. I also took the time to finish off my cappuccino cheesecake that I got over in Napa this weekend.

There was an experience I wanted to share. As mentioned here, Tuesday I got to bring Middle Boy to the doctors to find out how bad his possibly ear infection was. It was nerve-wrecking for me.

The last time I was in the pediatric wing of the hospital, I was a kid. I also was really nervous about the fact that I legally don’t have a say in making choices about the boys. My brain raced through anything and everyone. Mainly though “Is it OK for me to accept a prescription for him? What if the doctor asks me a question that I don’t know the answer too? What if something has to be done, I don’t think I’m allowed to make that decision. Where the hell is that fiancé of mine?!?” I wasn't even supposed to be the one bringing him, but my fiancé was running quite late getting home from work.

Their doctor is a nice woman, although I really could have done without the sarcasm. (This coming from the princess of sarcasm.) She was talking to the boys and then side talking about me to the boys. She was being serious, and humorous I guess. But it made me feel like a big dumb ass. Of course I knew that kid Robitessin doesn’t help the pain for an ear ache. BUT, the warm compress that we put on his ear helped, a lot. And that was without someone feeding words into Middle Boy’s mouth. And he got the kid Robitessin because he also had a gnarly congested cough, and I know that you’re supposed to try and get them to cough all the phlegm up, but that’s all I had. I didn’t have kid Motrin or Tylenol and I didn’t want to risk giving an adult Advil.

Anyway, she didn’t really give me a chance to introduce myself. She could only assume who I was, as I obviously wasn’t Jane. And my fiancé had updated her on the situation of their lives. I tried a couple of times, but she cut me off each time with some more of her (not exactly mockery) but making a dumb fool of me.

The best was when she looked at Middle Boy and asked him who I was ... Like he was supposed to introduce me.

Doc: And who is this? *head nod toward me*
MB: That’s my mom. *in the duh tone*
Doc: *Total look of confusion*

From her reaction I almost wanted to jump on the defense to let her know “I didn’t tell him to call me that.” Not that I’m upset by it, I found it rather caring that he’s given me this responsibility and has let all the other adults (his teachers, the bus driver) know that is my responsibility. I basically told the boys that they can call me what ever they want as long as it’s respectful and not mean. So they call me by my name, but to everyone else I’m their mom. It’s caused quite a bit of confusion, but most people in their lives know what’s going on and have gotten used to it. Although I can’t say the same for Jane, but I don’t put too much worry into what she thinks about it.

Anyway, the look on her face made me first anxious, but then I calmed down. She really couldn’t argue with him. Have you ever tried arguing with a kindergartner? I don’t recommend it unless you have really good physical and strong proof.

At the end, I finally got a chance to introduce myself. That’s when she asked how my baby was. I looked at her so confused, because I really was.

Doc: Didn’t you just have a baby?
Me: Nope, not me. *Really confused here*
Doc: Didn’t someone just have a baby?
Me: Oh, their mother did actually. You must mean her.
Doc: Yeah, that must be it. *awkward silent pause*
Me: Yup. *Because I really wanted to talk about Jane and her new baby. Not really, but I’ve learned some good moves to let it slide over and then change the subject.*

My fiancé got there just as we were finishing up Middle Boy’s appointment. I guess late is better than never.

Anyway, that was my first hospital experience with the boys (or at least my first boy-related hospital experience). I’ve been there enough for my own issues these past couple of months.

I really dislike going to the hospital. But that alone just spiked up my dislike for going there even more.

That Is Your Penis

OK, I have been bursting to share this story with you ladies. And I slightly teased it in the last entry with the usage of the word “urinating” so I had to come back and tell it to you. It’s a little overdue, as it occurred on Christmas Day, but better late then never.

Background Info
On my mom’s side of the family there are seven granddaughters. We are essentially the seven princesses. I am the first granddaughter and bear the title of Princess #1. I kid you not, my Grandma still writes that on all of my birthday cards. My grandparents pretty much raised me while I was young and growing up, and as a young child I, Princess #1, could do no wrong.

Well, as an adult Princess now I generally can still do no wrong, but I can be misinformed which could cause slight mistakes that my Grandma either shakes her head at or lectures me on the proper way to do things. (The best is when she has my mother call me to inform me of my misinformed actions.)

Fast Forward – Two Weeks Before Christmas
Now I’ve heard little boys call their parts so many different things. There’s my weenie, my pee-pee, my privates, my stick, and my personal favorite my pee stick. Well, as an instant mom I wasn’t sure exactly what the standard name had been set as for this. As a gutter-minded dirty foul-mouthed chick that generally hangs out with all guys, you can imagine the words I’ve used for it.

So there I was, monitoring Younger Boy as he sat on the toilet. I had my sister Wendy on the phone as we discussed plans for the Christmas holiday when I noticed Younger Boy pulling and tugging at his package. In fact, I almost called it that to his face.

Me: Stop pulling on your pac…your coc…..your, your … stop playing with your junk.
YB: OK. *immediately lets go*
Wendy: *on the phone* You realize he’s going to be the only kid at preschool who calls it his junk.
Me: Yeah, I know. Not the best choice of words. But it was the best I could come up with.

Fast Forward – Christmas Day
So there we all were … at my parent’s house …Wendy, my parents, my Grandma, my cousins, and my family. We were sipping red wine and munching on nuts. My sister, my Grandma, my mom and I were standing in the kitchen talking when she did it. Wendy, my dear younger sister, took the opportunity to rat me out to my Grandma.

Oh yeah, she told her exactly what I told Younger Boy, and the follow up comment she made to me. My Grandma shook her head in that way that only she can. The head shake that I have obviously chosen an action based on misinformation. I took a swig of pinot noir because I knew it was coming.

It was a great lecture. She bestowed her Grandmother wisdom on the topic of how I ought to be using the correct terms for these things. “Penis,” “Testicles” and “Urinating” were the correct words that I ought to be using because any other words I allowed him to use would not only disservice him, but could lead to other kids teasing him down the line when he referred to his penis as his pee-pee.

Wendy did not quite plan on this lecture, but it satisfied me that she was included in it. Whenever she has kids, there will be no excuse for any male offspring to mislabel their penis in the early years. Ha! Karma is a bitch.

Fast Forward – Three Days After Christmas
With this new information in mind, I was on the ready for the moment that I needed to spring into action. And oh yes, my moment of glory came just three days after Christmas. I was in the boys room pulling out clean pajamas for Younger Boy. Older Boy and Middle Boy were already in their beds laughing and talking with me. Younger Boy comes bouncing in, butt naked pulling on his penis.

YB: It’s my pee-pee!
Me: No, that is your penis. Pee-nis.
OB: Why do you call it that? *Genuine confusion sets in on his face*
Me: Because that’s what it’s actually called. *flustered at first, but the answer rolls out like I knew it all along*
OB: Oh *satisfied with my answer the confusion clears*
YB: My Pee-nis *laughing as he tugs on it some more*

Oh boy … I can see it now. We’ll be standing in line somewhere, surrounded by a lot of people … possibly little old ladies and other loud-mouthed children just looking for a new word to mimic. Younger Boy will find just the right moment to announce to all those within hearing distance that he has a penis. I mean, come on, isn’t that one of the ultimate rights of passage as a parent? When your kid embarrasses you by giving an anatomy lesson?

I totally look forward to it.