Fighting For Younger Boy

I was hoping now that Younger Boy is 5, and older, and in kindergarten that perhaps Jane would give him more credit and want to include him more. However, I got myself in a little tizzy, which I was able to calm down from but it still pisses me off.

Jane informed us that they’ll be going down to a wedding at Disneyland and wanted to invite one of the boys. I suggested that FH have Younger Boy go because 1)He’s the best at handling long car trips and 2)He’s young enough to really enjoy Disneyland still. Jane’s son is going to be 3 this year so I assume they’ll be going on the age appropriate rides in Fantasyland. Older Boy is (and has expressed from past trips) that is just far too old to go on those rides, and Middle Boy is on the brink of wanting to go on the older kid rides and that the Fantasyland rides are for babies.

Back to the story … Jane shot down the idea of Younger Boy going because “She already has to deal with her son she doesn't want to have to deal with Younger Boy too.”

I've been trying to fight for Younger Boy since the first time that she intentionally voiced a request that left him out. I know that at this point I’m more of his mother than she is, but in his eyes she is his “Mommy” and he gets excited about going to her house still.

However, I’m going to assume that perhaps this is one fight not worth going after. We’re most likely going to send Middle Boy down with her and then treat Older Boy and Younger Boy to a special weekend out at one of the theme parks out here so that no one is left out on the fun.

It still, however, makes me so frustrated that she’s seems to have this stigma against including Younger Boy in her life. Perhaps it’s because she didn't raise him and doesn’t feel that connection to him that she does to the older boys? Who knows how her mind works, because we all know it’s not hardwired that great in the first place. I just tend to find myself thinking that out of all three of them he gets the raw deal the most.

I tend to bring him along with me on a lot of outings. And before he started preschool he was the one who got to go on a few trips with me because it was easier to bring him along then to find someone who could watch him while the others were at school. I can really only do so much to help him out emotionally, but I hope that by the time he’s a teenager it will have made a positive impact on him.

How Do You Deal With a Concern

There is one concern that I have when the boys go to stay at Jane’s overnight. There isn’t anything I can really do about it, and I try not to think about it so that I’m not sick with worry, but I feel it is a legitimate concern.

OK, technically there is more than one concern for when they stay at her place overnight but this one is a big one.

It’s the car that they have. More specifically, the lack of safe seating in the car they have. Legally and safely the car she has fits 5. More specifically, it safely fits two car seats in the back and a boy in the middle and two people up front.

When they’re over there, and the whole family goes out there are two boosters, one infant seat, one child that can sit without a car seat and two adults. Are you seeing my concern here?

When I moved in with FH and the boys I inherited his mini-van. As much as I dislike and love to hate on the mini-van I am thankful for it. It fits all of us safely in a seat of our own.

Middle Boy is technically not heavy enough to not use a booster according to California Car Seat Law, but he’s really close to being at that weight. So if it has ever been a situation where someone had to be out of a booster it’s usually him. However, even if that were the case, I just don’t understand how you can fit six people in a car that is supposed to sit 5 … especially when one of them is an infant.

I know in hard times you can’t just go out and get a new car to accommodate a bigger family, but it truly bothers me that the boys’ safety is somewhere being put at risk.

I guess my question is, does anyone have experience in how to deal with a concern like this. Is “Just not thinking about it” the one way to go about it? Or what sort of things do you do to help yourself not think about such a concern when the kids are at risk?

Younger Boy’s Behavior

Younger Boy has always seemed to have a hard time leaving behind the “need” to be the baby. I wasn’t sure if part of it was because Jane and Jolie continued to baby him even after he was old enough to be independent, if it was because Jane had a baby and he was envious of the fact that him mommy had a baby that got to live with her and he didn’t, or if it was a combination of the two. I would assume it’s a combination. He’s been the one who had the hardest time bouncing back after a visit with Jane. In meaning, after he came back he took the longest to snap out of the undesirable behaviors he had since left behind.

When he started kindergarten he really started showing signs of maturing and leaving behind the “need” to be the baby. He even bounced back quickly after staying with Jane overnight. However, as of the last month or so I’ve notice he’s been in rare form. And by rare form I mean he’s been challenging, frustrating and almost completely irritating to one that gets a limited amount of sleep as it is.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that he is 5-years-old and just a little kid. I’m also aware that I’m exhausted and perhaps my patience isn’t as strong as it once was. These behaviors are somewhat new, while some are old behaviors with a new twist. I think the issue might be somewhere along the lines that Younger Boy is no longer the baby in our home and a possible struggle with now being a middle younger boy.

When Baby J.C. first came home he was rather excited and was still on somewhat good behavior for the most part. And as time passed I noticed that his behavior was sliding. Younger Boy and Middle Boy have always been at it. I touched lightly on it in the last post. I think it’s a clash of personalities. Middle Boy is very much self-centered and Younger Boy will not put up with the way Middle Boy treats him. However, Younger Boy has been getting more aggressive with not putting up with Middle Boy. I’m not sure what else to do outside of the continuance of the “Treat others as you want to be treated,” “Be kind to others,” and “Hitting, biting and hurting our brother is not OK.”

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when we went to do our family photos and Younger Boy was the one who was acting out. The photographer spent more time trying to get Younger Boy to smile and cooperate than Baby J.C. It occurred to me that perhaps Younger Boy is at a point that he’s acting out to get attention. And last night he purposely stuffed far too much food in his mouth and then gagged and threw it up. This behavior isn’t new but usually I’m able to prevent it from happening.

Later that night we had a talk, mainly me being completely frustrated and explaining to him that I wasn’t OK with his behavior lately. I’m always curious to see how Younger Boy’s growing up process and view of how things are is because he was so young when Jane left. I know with him being young we can definitely still work with him on behaviors. Just this morning I made sure to reward his good behaviors by thanking him and pointing it out.

I guess that’s all I can really do at the moment. He’s still learning, and testing what he can and can’t get away with as he gets older, in addition to learning more about himself. The positive outlook is that this morning he was back to being on good behavior and not causing any major problems. That was a refreshing start to the day. I hope this post made sense. I’m really tired and am not entirely confident that my thought process is working correctly.

Now That I’m A Mother

Now that I am a mother I’ve had a new wave of frustration as an Instant Mother. It’s not that I resent the boys’ presence. It’s not that I no longer want to care for them or take care of them or nurture them. It is more that I have definitely found myself even more frustrated at times with the reality that their mother doesn’t take an active role in their lives.

I lightly touched on it in my last post. As a first time mom I’ve had people telling me to get a lot of rest, to relax and to sleep whenever possible so that I can recover as well as keep my sanity to balance off my new sleep schedule. I can maybe get an extra nap in once in the morning right after I drop the boys off at school and before I have to pick up Younger Boy OR in the afternoon right after I drop Younger Boy off at the after school program and before FH comes home from work.

As a mother myself now I get frustrated that Jane isn’t here to help take care of the boys more often. I’m frustrated that the only time she wants to see them, talk to them, be a part of their lives is if she has a day off from work. I think a part of it is that I’m here trying my best to be the best mom I can be to a newborn, and the best instant mom I can be to three kids that aren’t mine and it is draining me.

Don’t get me wrong here … as I said above I haven’t had a change of heart for the boys, but now that I’ve actually gone through the whole experience of labor and midnight/3am/6am feedings in the same night experience I just get kind of pissy that a woman who birthed three kids gets to have such a rule over my schedule once a week and on the holidays when I’m doing all the work and she’s not even trying to wish them a good night or anything.

To her credit she did offer to put the boys on her health insurance plan while FH transitions between jobs. Allegedly she doesn’t get charged anything extra to have children on her benefits plan. I’m hoping this means that their coverage will be decent still or perhaps that we won’t need to use it until FH is off of his probation period at his new job.

If she were perhaps more consistent with her visits and not consistently trying to get out of seeing them perhaps my anger wouldn’t be on the verge of blossoming. But with my lack of sleep lately I’ve been getting rather irritated in having to be up and going all the time when all I want to do is sit back with my daughter and relax and do nothing … or sleep.

In other views … Baby J.C. has a smile that melts my frustration and anger away. Luckily for me she’s been more smiley each day that comes.

Proud of My Husband

I guess a positive and a downfall is that I’m always looking for the positive in people - except for the likes of Kobe and Derek Jeter. Otherwise, even in Jane I have some faith in to one day be a decent human being.

She actually had set a new record for herself this year. She was consistently seeing the boys for a dinner date once a week. She had even been taking all three of them overnight about once a month or so. It got to the point that I stopped wondering when she was going to cancel on them because I really figured that maybe she had grown up a bit and started to grasp that Motherhood responsibility thing.

Then two weeks ago she cancelled. She didn’t give a reason, she just cancelled…the day of. Then last week she called up FH trying to cancel. At first her excuse was that they were having car trouble. And I’m very proud of FH because he said “No,” and said that even if she didn’t come the boys were still going to go visit at her mom’s house. Then she tried to throw in that her ear had been bleeding the night before. FH again said ‘No, we have a date night planned.”

Low and behold, when we got to Jolie’s house there parked out front was Jane’s car. We were pleasantly surprised (actually shocked) because we figured she was just going to be a no show.

We had a fabulous date night but then she really pissed me off again when she asked FH if Older Boy could come stay the night on Friday. And Middle Boy could come too if he wanted. And again, Younger Boy got dissed with no invite.

FH called her back later that night with the message that perhaps she ought to take Older Boy and Younger Boy this weekend, and to relay more info involving Middle Boy’s medical bills (that’s a whole other post).

To her credit she actually called back a day or so later and said it was fine with her if Younger Boy went over there instead. It still pissed me off, but at least she was willing to take him.

Anyway, I’m proud of my husband. My husband two years ago might have been willing to bend over and let her have her way without argument. But he’s been standing up to her lately and I like it.

Baby Update: As of right now that little baby is still trying to kick her way out. She hasn’t quite figured out that is not how you get out of there. I’m 38 weeks and oh so ready to be done. I’ll keep you all updated on whenever I actually leave to go into labor. The due date is September 29th so basically she’s coming whenever she’s good and ready.

And for those who enjoy a good visual, and aren't a friend on Facebook, here is the baby bump at 38 weeks.

Day 730 – I’m Still Here

Seven hundred thirty days ago I moved in with FH and the boys. I jumped into a world I had no idea about. And 730 days later I still sometimes question what the hell I was thinking. However, on Day 730 I came to a conclusion while reading another stepmommy blogger’s post.

It wasn’t necessarily that it was one of those posts that I could relate to because I had written it, but it was about a topic that gave me an “Aha” moment.

I know I’ve written about it before but Jane doesn’t pay child support. This is just the agreement that came from their divorce. Thus, from the moment I moved in my paycheck that used to support just me and Nasty Cat was now supporting three kids that weren’t mine, and me and Nasty Cat.

The only thing we’ve gotten Jane to help put money toward is out-of-pocket medical expenses because their papers say that they have to split those. Otherwise, all other expenses fall on us. I know I’ve mentioned that Jane doesn’t have that most fabulous paying job, but paying for a family of 5 isn’t cheap. It was one of the reasons I became a PartyLite consultant when I found out I was pregnant because if a family of 5 isn’t cheap then a family of 6 isn’t going to be any cheaper.

Back to the point, I get frustrated with Jane because she is absent, treats her kids like crap and is still loved and adored by them. But the light bulb that came on in my head is that I realized I’m really, really damn angry that I’m here paying for the kids while she doesn’t pay jack.

I can’t really be too angry with my husband for making the mistake of marrying her and what not. We all make mistakes and I’m sure he faces that reality every day. But I think a part of that bitterness that I’ve been unable to really tackle down is the fact that I’m paying for it, literally paying for it too. I don’t mind paying for my own mistakes but having to get stressed out due to lack of funds or not be able to pay for something for me or the baby because I’ve spent the rest of my money on the kids really frustrates me.

It frustrates me that I have a hard enough time saving up money as it is because it’s all going toward supporting my family. Which normally and realistically what happens anyway, but as a stepmom it's a bit different I guess.

I hope that makes sense. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boys and wouldn’t take back my choice for the world. But it is just very frustrating that I’m doing all this work and sometimes it feels like I'm not appreciated. As a stepparent I don’t have any legal rights. I don’t have that bond by nature with them. And I feel like I’m constantly being scrutinized and compared to Jane by them.

I guess I am happy that I was able to pin point this. Being full of anger and frustration and not knowing why is mind blowing. And now that I've figured it out I can start working on my attitude toward it and trying to find my way to balance out those frustrations.

But today is my two year mark at being an instant mom. I’ve come a long way, and I know that I alone have made a big difference in the boys’ and FH's lives. And for being able to be that difference I really am glad and proud. And I’m still here.

He Has An Infection Where?

I like to think that considering I am the full-time at home parental figure in the boys lives I have a good grasp on what’s going on with them. But sometimes I find myself questioning my instincts when Jane makes statements about the boys’ health.

For the most part she’s full of hot air, but I think I second-guess myself because I still feel all new and shiny as a parent. Although I’ve come to understand that just because the woman has given birth to four children doesn’t make her an expert at motherhood either.

The latest incident happened last night. FH and I picked the boys up and FH informed me that Jane had informed him that Younger Boy has an infection on his penis.

Considering I was home with the child ALL DAY and didn’t notice anything different about his potty habits, nor did he complain to me about any burning or hurting when he went to the bathroom I was confused. I know Urinary Tract infections are not pleasant and would only assume that they’re not pleasant for the male folk either.

My gut told me that Younger Boy had told her that his penis hurt because that’s his latest new thing. “Penis” and “Butt” and randomly talking about them at great lengths is the latest trend in the world of Younger Boy. A couple of weeks ago while playing with Legos Younger Boy looked up at me and said:

YB: There are thorns in my penis.

Crys: *Silent with shock, then confusion, then I dared to respond with* Oh yeah? And how did thorns get in your penis.

YB: *Nonchalantly* There were thorns pushing on my penis. So now I run away from them.

Crys: Oh, OK. Well, good job then.

The child has also randomly yelled out while in the shower, his room, or while sitting on the toilet the following:

“Don’t step on my penis!”

“Ouch! That hurts my butt!”

“Don’t step on my butt!”

“Ouch! My penis hurts!”

“Ouch! My butt hurts!”

In which it is usually followed by a lot of laughter and then a repeat of the statement through the laughter.

Now, to the non-knowing person a statement like that could lead to many crazy thoughts. We’ve tried to talk to him about it … about not saying things like that unless it really does hurt…but he’s four-years-old. And apparently to this four-year-old boy it’s damn funny. So are the words “poop” and “fart.”

Back to the story, I informed FH that was my assumption. We even asked Younger Boy if his penis hurt and he said no.

At home we took a look and saw nothing unusual. Again, Younger Boy said that it didn’t hurt. And then he went to the bathroom without incident and took a shower. And this morning there has still been no complaint. And trust me, I’ve asked.

I guess I should be thankful that 1)The child does not have an infection and 2)Jane didn’t insist on rushing him to the emergency room as she likes to do for non-medical emergencies.

But it irritates me when I second-guess myself because of something she says.

I’d Had Enough

This is a follow up to this post in which I was frustrated with Jane not giving us an answer as to which days she would be taking the boys for their summer weeks with her. Jane was supposed to call FH as soon as she had gotten her schedule last Sunday. I told FH that I would bake a cake if she actually did. Needless to say there was no cake baking last week.

Around Thursday and Friday I had enough … specifically because the following week (this week) was one of the weeks that Jane had said she would possibly be taking them. I nagged (and oh how I nagged) FH to call her at least once a day until she either picked up the phone or called back. My theory was that if she wasn’t going to call us then we were going to irritate the living heck out of her until she called back to make it stop.

FH finally got a hold of her Saturday morning. As usual I sat nearby to quietly listen to the conversation. I have excellent hearing and can usually hear the other person on the other line, even if I’m not the one on the phone. The initial jist of the conversation was that Jane just couldn’t get any extra days off soon. Her job already had to rearrange her schedule so that her and her guy weren’t working the same shifts and basically they weren’t inclined to give her any more special treatment considering everyone else at her work was putting in requests for days off too. Thus, the phone call ended with the agreement that the boys would be seeing her for their usual dinner on Thursday and no other summer dates were agreed upon.

Which led to this conversation:
Me: Does she have the dates I wrote down for her?
FH: Yes.
Me: Can she not find them or is it probably she’s just too lazy to go look for them?
FH: She’s probably just being lazy.

FH asked if he ought to call her mom, Jolie, about having the boys over for Jane’s time. My answer was “No, they’re her kids and this is her responsibility.”

Which is the point that I had had enough of the bull poop. I dug in my purse and pulled out the list of dates in which I left details of which boy was available on which days to go over and spend time at her home. I told FH that he needed to call her back with these dates and get an answer from her (with the silent point that he wasn’t getting off the phone with her until something was decided upon. And I’m sure he knows I would have nagged him to call her back again if the deal wasn’t sealed.)

I’m happy to say that the task was at least accomplished. Jane and FH decided on dates that she would take the boys in August, with the plans that Jane would put in requests with work to get them off since they were far away enough that she just might get them off. Although it’s not the full two weeks, I will be happy that’s she’s taking Younger Boy for a weekend and Middle and Older Boy for a week. That’s better than nothing, right?

Now we’ll just have to wait and see if it actually happens, or if she pulls what she did last year and cancel and not attempt to reschedule.

I Have No Sympathy For Her

So I couldn’t find the post about how after the bullshit that Jane pulled this past Christmas we drafted up a Holiday Schedule (since one hadn’t been established at the time of their divorce.) But if some of you remember we did. And in that both FH and Jane signed off that the boys would spend two weeks with Jane during the summer at some point.

Being the organized person I am I looked through the boys’ summer schedule and made a list of weeks that would work for them. Due to the various summer camps there is only one week that all three of them are available. However, due to the fact that Jane and her man only have one car that fits 5 people and that they’re already taking up 3 of those chairs it would be easier to send 2 of the boys over anyway.

Some of you may remember how last summer Jane left Younger Boy out and only wanted the two older boys over. Well, in my planning I made sure to detail which of the boys were available and when to try and prevent that from happening again.

FH brought the list over and Jane mentioned that two of the weeks seemed appealing to her. One week she would have Younger Boy and Older Boy near the beginning of summer and then one week she would have Middle Boy at the end of summer. This was apparently all pending on her man’s possible new work schedule.

FH reported to me that Jane hadn’t quite answered our question of what weeks she would be taking the boys because her man would be going back to school (Good for him I guess) and would be working Wednesday through Sunday. Which would leave Monday and Tuesday open (if she has the days off from work.)

A bit flustered I asked FH what that meant and he replied that he didn’t know because Jane was playing the “Poor me I have to pay bills and stuff now” card. Except, I didn’t care about her new responsibilities that as an adult and a mother she ought to be partaking in anyway and I wanted to know what days she’ll be taking the boys for their summer days with her.

One thing that still irks me the most is feeling that I can’t make any plans for myself or my family because she’s not responsible enough to ask for time off to spend with her children. If I thought it would help matters I’d ask her myself so that she couldn’t give any of her “beat around the bush” reasons that FH tends to just take from her. But I know better thus I will allow FH to be the one to get the information.

And because I don’t care anymore I’m pretty set on just blocking out those two weeks she said appealed most to her and planning around them. That way if she at least takes them for the Sunday evening through Tuesday evening they’ll already be blocked out.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about the boys spending time with their mother. In fact, if it hadn’t been for my pushing she probably wouldn’t be seeing them the once a week for 2 hours as long as she doesn’t cancel as it is. But with a baby on the way, a new part-time business, my own family to look out for and care for, and summer plans to be made I have no sympathy for the woman who doesn’t put effort into trying to see her kids unless we literally call her up and tell her she needs to take them for “this weekend” or “that weekend.” We gave her multiple weeks through out the summer. She’ll just have to pick which ones she wants us to block off and we’ll go from there.

Besides, the boys themselves have a list of all kinds of things they too would like to do this summer. Including spending time with friends and visiting with other relatives. It's not like I can tell them "Oh sorry honey, you can't make any plans until your mother figures it out."

Kind of Irked Me

I’m aware that when people say things to me they’re sometimes trying to be encouraging or positive. However, sometimes when people say things to me it really just irks me. I’ve learned to try and view it with a “Don’t take it personal” attitude. It’s not even that I’m all that sensitive, especially as I’m probably the one who generally is offending to others who are used to my blunt and honest disposition on things.

Ever since we found out that I was pregnant there have been little things said to me in terms of “Now you finally get to be a mother.”

Now, I’m aware that I’ve yet to experience childbirth or a baby of my own. I’m fully aware that there is something missing between myself and the boys since I am not their birth mother. However, since moving in I promise I have not totally been denied the experience of being a mother.

It’s mainly my mother-in-law and some other family members who have said such things. It always catches me off guard and I have to really bite my tongue with the response I want to sling out.

For example, a month or two ago my mother-in-law told me that I’ll finally get to celebrate my first real Mother’s Day. It really irked me. I’m aware she meant it as a mother who has given birth to a child of my own. However, I’ve celebrated a real Mother’s Day. I got the homemade card that was made at school and I swallowed the tears and joy that came with it. I’ve had the opportunity of being able to help see a child excel and grow both physically and intellectually. It’s amazing…that joy and pride you feel when you see a child growing and you know you had something to do with that.

It’s just become kind of obvious to me that now that I’m pregnant with a child that some people have this view that now I’m a real mother. Thank goodness for people like my own mother and sister who realize that I was already a mother before I got pregnant. Not that I need anyone else to validate my worth as a stepmother to the boys, but it’s nice to be recognized. It’s also nice to have family members that treat your new family as if they’ve always been there and not like a stranger still feeling their ways around the formalities.

As I mentioned, I’ve taken to the attitude to not take it personally and to just go with the flow. But I guess it’s just one of those things that stepmoms get to deal with.

It kind of goes with the frustration of wanting to scream out “You try diving in to an already made family, learning to spend all of your paycheck, time and effort on three kids that aren’t yours and you tell me how sane and appreciated you feel!” Maybe I can put that on a giant wine goblet for those rough days.

Baby Update: Going on 19 weeks on Wednesday. Everything in the ultrasound looked good. Good heart beat, all four heart chambers developed, all the good stuff. Now that we know it’s a girl we’re all really excited. My aunt had already started buying girl stuff before we found out so we informed her that she could be at ease that she was right.

The Three Faces of Younger Boy

Younger Boy is now 4 years old. For most of you who have followed me from the beginning you know that Younger Boy and I have come a long way together from being the ripe age of 2-years-old-in-diapers to the 4-year-old-potty-trained-letter-loving kid he is now. One thing that I’ve always found frustrating is his behavior when he’s with me, or FH and the boys, or when he’s coming home from being with Jane. It drives me absolutely batty.

Face One – Me and Him

When it’s just me and him he’s this active, happy, calm, fun-loving kiddo. He listens, he has amazing manners, and he’s adventurous and enjoys trying something new – or at least is willing to try something new.

Face Two – When Dad and the Brothers Come Home

He kind of turns into a big mean butt-head. He finds the need to defend himself against Middle Boy, whether or not Middle Boy is antagonizing him. He starts doing things he known he’s not supposed to do (probably because Older Boy seems to think that if he’s doing something with Younger Boy it will be OK even though it never seems to be.) He gets cranky and rude more often. He may or may not be willing to try something new.

Face Three – Coming Home from being with Jane and Jolie

He’s a baby. He can’t do anything himself. He has no manners whatsoever. He doesn’t want to do anything. He gets whiney and starts sniffling and crying at everything.

I bring this up because I really really hoped that as he got closer to being 5-years-old and wanting to start Kindergarten he would perhaps leave some of this negative behavior behind. However, I’m now seeing the light of day. As long as Jane and Jolie baby him and treat him like a baby instead of a big boy he’s going to revert back to the behaviors of his 2-year-old days.

I guess this is me hoping that eventually as he gets even older he’ll at least start to realize that bringing that behavior back home with him isn’t going to fly. Middle Boy learned that last year. He was in the middle of saying something rather not OK and he looked at the look on my face (the raised eyebrow) and realized who he was talking to. This was followed by the “Oh shit that’s not going to work on Crys” look on his face and from then on he left that version of himself at Jane’s. One can always hope, right? All I know is that consistency in my behavior works. So I’m not giving up all hope.

Baby Update: Today I’m at 17 weeks. My mom took me out shopping for some maternity clothes because my clothes just weren’t fitting anymore. The problem is that we bought some of them a size bigger than I needed in anticipation of how big I will grow. But, it’s nice to at least be able to fit inside of a pair of pants, even if I’m tugging on them now and then compared to not being able to squeeze into them.

Tired of the Flu

Well, the title of this entry should give you all a big clue of where I’ve been the past week. It all started on Sunday … last Sunday. The boys were staying over at Jane’s because her day with them was going to be Monday, and since they had the week off from school we thought it would be a good idea to let them stay the night.

Except at 1:03am (Monday morning) we got a phone call from Jane because Middle Boy was feverish, babbling incoherently and delusional. Now, not to discredit Jane, but Middle Boy sleepwalks. When he sleep walks he babbles incoherently and doesn’t know what’s going on. When he’s sick and not feeling well he does this often. But he did have a 103 degree fever so I can only assume he was really loopy. And let me just tell you how the conversation started out:

FH: Hello
Jane: How long has he been sick?

You know ... because we always send sick children over there.

She called again at 1:15am to tell us that she was bringing him to the emergency room. This meant that we had to get out of bed and meet her there. Now, I was not pleased ... especially since I had just driven a 7 hour drive from Southern California to Northern California. Not that I’m against being safe than sorry, but I didn’t see it as an emergency room trip that needed to happen. Having to drag my butt out of bed didn’t infuriate me as much as when they finally arrived and Middle Boy (who was the reason we were there) had on one sock and one bare foot.

So Jane and FH went with Middle Boy to see the doctor who apparently had a look on his face of “Oh boy, another one of these.” Meanwhile I, Jane’s guy, Older Boy, Younger Boy and Jane’s baby all had a camp out in the waiting room. I learned some interesting stuff about their life at home. And I was rather interested in the part where he told me that he was feeling sick and dizzy and not well. (You know, considering that she was blaming us for sending a sick kid over there.) I also held my tongue on many occasions when Jane’s guy said some stuff that sure as heck made it sound like Jane doesn’t see the boys because we moved across the bridge. Man I was proud that I held my tongue and didn’t shoot back with “Well you know if she actually put effort into trying to see them and didn’t cancel on them ever two to three weeks” coupled with “well these are the choices she made and we’re always willing to work with her schedule to fit in an extra day.” Let’s just say I was proud.

We didn’t leave until after 5am. The doctor sent us home with the instructions to give Middle Boy a lot of rest, fluids and children’s fever reducers. Luckily both FH and I were able to use a sick day for work because we were both exhausted and I really don’t think I would have been able to sleep and then wake up at 7am to work. And the boys came home with us. Some of you may remember “this” but Jane doesn’t enjoy having the boys with her if they’re sick. That apparently is our job as she so willingly sent them home with us. OK, I lied. What really infuriated me was that she didn’t say goodbye to them. They were all awake. Both I and FH asked her if she was going to/wanted to say goodbye. She ignored us as if she hadn’t heard us. I bid her a safe drive home. She replied she wasn’t driving and that was that. The fact of the situation though was that I didn't have time be angry. My energy was needed at home to take care of the boys, and my priority is them.

Long story short – that set the energy level for my week. I was exhausted all week long. And trying to make sure Middle Boy was being taking care of, making sure Older Boy and Younger Boy were healthy, doing all the other things I do around the house, and then eventually at the weeks end having to take care of a sick Older Boy and FH … I am still trying to catch up on the energy level.

So here’s hoping that my home is a flu-free home sooner than later, and that all of your homes are healthy and flu-free too.

The Need to Purge and Release

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and understanding. I think a lot of it was a ton of built up stress, and the fact pointed out that FH and I really need to try to get some time to ourselves to work on our relationship. If we don’t take care of us then there is a greater chance it just won’t work out. Right?

I very much needed to get the feelings out, and then sleep on it. I felt a bit better this morning, although I’m still stressed.

Another part of it is just stress from wedding planning. I never dreamed I’d be paying for my own wedding, at least I always figured I’d have some financial help. But in the current economy both our parents are strapped for cash as well. I also never counted on having to pay for three kids that weren’t mine. Considering FH and I are the only ones providing for them, that down right frustrates me when I’m no longer able to treat myself to my once a month splurge.

I finally allowed myself to order coffee from a coffee shop as my treat for the month because it had been about two months since I had done so.

Another stressor is that FH got a second job on the weekends, which leaves me and the boys home all weekend together. It’s not that I don’t like hanging out with just me and the boys, but it was a very long weekend without him there. Especially since on Saturday I wasn’t sure of when he’d be home and it was a very long waiting day. And then on Sunday the boys decided it would be the day to not listen, bother each other without mercy, and to totally act up to the point that I was pulling my hair out.

A big part of me wishes that I had been the one to pick up a second job just for the sanity of getting out of the house and conversing with others. But another part of me thinks a second job would not be mentally sound for me right now. I’ve always been the super do it all woman, but lately I’m just exhausted with all the current stress factors.

I also just don’t know who to turn to sometimes. It’s bad enough I’ve never had an easy time reaching out. But when it comes to feeling frustrated about the situation it’s not easy to talk to just anyone about it. I feel like if I don’t get it out then I’m going to bottle it up. And yet on the second hand I need to work on not getting so frustrated with it. Jane’s not going to change and this is most likely how life will continue to be.

BTW, thank you for the idea of swapping babysitting nights. I know I have other people out there who are always willing and have told me to let them know if we would like a night off. I think in the madness of wedding planning events the last two and half weeks and feeling pinched because we just don’t have any money to spare this week (it’s the week in the month where I pay all my big bills and FH doesn’t have any money left over either) I’m just feeling like I’ve dug myself into a big hole and I can’t figure out how to get out.

I find that even though I’ve been doing this for a year there are still a lot of things I’m having to adjust and adapt too when it comes to having children in your life. I assume this is something almost every parent feels as their child grows and becomes a different person. Throwing sass one day and hugs the next. I also assume that the fact that I’m raising someone else’s children with no previous experience of my own is another punch being thrown at me.

I’ve Felt Smothered

I have felt so smothered these past couple of weeks. I have been so incredibly busy, so incredibly broke, and so incredibly on edge. I have not had any real time to relax, unwind and recharge. I’ve had a couple of opportunities that just didn’t do the job. My future hubby and I haven’t really had a chance to spend time together either. It is so frustrating.

Can we backup to one of the main reasons why I feel so suffocated and smothered and stuck? Jane has canceled left and right for one reason or another. She canceled the first week of October because she was sick. She canceled the second week of October because she didn’t time manage accordingly. She saw the boys the third week and even doubled up the fourth week. And yet, FH and I weren't able to have a date night alone any of these days due to errands and things we had to do. Then she skipped the first week of November because she didn’t get her shit together and let us know her days off until it was at the point that our schedule was busy and planned. And she was fine with that since she had seen them twice the week before. And now, she's canceled tonight's visit.

Seriously!?! I need a date night alone with FH. I need a night alone. I need a night out with the girls or myself or my friends that doesn’t involve feeling stuck here during gaming night. I don’t know what I need. I need a break from all of it before I completely freak out. I need a break from being an instant mom for just a couple of hours. Who am I kidding, I need a spa day where I can focus on and take care of me. I need a day to be number one again because throwing myself into instant motherhood cold turkey has been insane.

*breathes*

I’m anxiously awaiting Friday. Friday I’m heading out to that small little middle of an orchard in the middle of no where town I grew up in to hang out with my best friend from high school. I keep trying to ground myself with the chant of “This is the choice you made” but it really doesn’t help all that much … Especially when lately it’s been followed by a silent “What the hell was I thinking?”

There have been moments when I’ve found myself thinking “There is a reason you were single and without kids” and then I remind myself “You’re engaged and have instant kids. Deal with it.” Some of you might know that feeling. I think that’s the only thing helping at this moment. Knowing that I’m not the first and I’m not the last that is going to have to deal with this.

I’m not alone. And as crappy as the situation is, and as much as I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone, it helps to know that I’m not alone. So thank you to all of you for choosing to be in the situation too.

Should I Keep Track of Communication?

I think October was the month of stress, money-draining, busy frustrations. Obviously by my lack of updates I was not around much. I think October was the month of updates for my blog. And I have some stuff to post, but I’m going to wait until later this week to get them out. I have an agenda for this entry.

Actually it’s more of an opinion gathering from all of you.

As some of you know, and some of you are learning, I make the visiting schedules for Jane to see the boys. I do this because one wasn’t set in place when the divorce was going through court. I also do this because Jane doesn’t put much effort forth into seeing the boys, so unless we nag her to give us the dates she has off from work, hand her a calendar and say these days work for us do they work for you, and hope she doesn’t cancel … the boys don’t get to see her. I also plan out our weekly meals to help budget our groceries and not knowing which days I’m not going to have to cook dinner I usually end up with stuff for an extra meal. Which I guess isn’t a bad thing, but more annoying to spend money we could use for something else.

I’ve adopted the stance that just because she’s not responsible doesn't mean that I’m going to slack off too. Someone has to look out for the boys, and make sure that their feelings, well being and rights are being met. So this is my effort. I try to make sure that I’m not being her personal assistance, because I’ve gotten plenty angry about being it. So my attitude is that I’m the boys’ care taker, and that I make these efforts for the boys and not to do Jane a favor.

This week we don’t have any days planned for the boys to see Jane. She hasn’t told us any of her days off. And the week is already getting filled up with wedding planning stuff, and social engagements. Hopefully she’ll have Saturday or Sunday available. And even better hopefully she’ll give us a call and let us know which days she has off.

As some of you may also know, I have both her and FH sign and date each schedule I make. Then we give copies to Jane, Jolie (Jane’s mom), and keep the original in a binder. I make notes on scheduled days that she cancels on (in my binder), and whatever excuse she’s given us.

Given the current situation of her not getting back to us with her available dates happens often, what I’d like to know your opinion on is do you think it is necessary to start keeping a log on when we contact her, and when she gets back to us about her days off?

And if we should what should I keep track of? Here is what I'm considering so far:

Date of call
What happened (Message left/conversation subjet)

Is there anything more I should consider keeping track of when it comes to phone calls? Do I need to be more detailed?

I know that sounds super OCD but I don’t want to give her an opportunity to ever say that we prevented her from seeing the boys. I want all my ducks counted, in a row and a paper trail of anything and everything to prevent this.

And to the point, I don’t want her to ever try and say that we didn’t let her see the boys. Especially if it was because she didn’t call us, didn’t call us back, and/or totally slacked on finding out and relaying her days off to us.

So what do you think?

And thank you in advance. I really appreciate all thoughts and opinions you all leave for me. It helps me to see things from the outside – and to take others’ experience in the life of stepfamilies and such.

To end on a positive note, here is the cake that I created for Younger Boy’s 4th birthday party. This year he wanted a blue Blues Clues cake. However, I couldn’t find a bottle of blue food coloring (I need a tablespoon to make the color) so I had to make it green. I had no complaints for creating a green Blues Clues cake.

Happy 4th Birthday Younger Boy!!!

Singing My Preschool Woes

Do you remember your younger childhood schooling days? I’m talking preschool here. I went to a parent co-op preschool and I have such vivid memories of playing there. I remember some of the activities, I remember the songs, I remember my teachers, and I even remember getting in trouble for kissing a boy under a table.

Anyway, Younger Boy is at the age where he is definitely ready for preschool. He knows his colors, he knows his shapes, he knows numbers 1-5 (sometimes he knows 6 and sometimes not. It depends on the day.) And he is so, so, so excited to go to preschool. He asks me everyday if he’s going to preschool and I always have to let him down.

I feel horrible telling him not today. I’ve been trying to make sure he has things to do that aren’t just playing with Thomas and Friends, because at some point in the morning Thomas just isn’t fun anymore. I also refuse to park his butt in front of the TV for more than a half hour. We have play-doh and finger paints and Lincoln Logs – and that’s all great and all but it just doesn’t replace play time with other kids and the opportunities I know an outside preschool teacher can provide.

Now that we’ve moved and are a bit more settled in we’ve really been researching preschools. Unfortunately I can’t consider the more affordable parent co-op preschool because I just can’t take 3 to 4 days off of work every month to help out. So I’ve been looking into the life of private run preschools and our city’s preschool programs.

I’m waiting to hear back from the city’s preschool program because at this point, it looks like it’s the one program we might actually be able to afford. Because whoa – preschool is expensive.

I had no idea just how expensive it was until I started to look at prices. One preschool we looked at, and toured and really liked is about $250/month for a two day a week program. And that was one of the cheaper programs. Others we looked at want $135/week for a two day session!

I don’t want to deprive him of a great opportunity to be social with other kids and to go to preschool, but $250 a month is really cutting into our budget. And considering we’re trying to save up to pay for the wedding, I just don’t realistically see how we can afford it. I’m really sad about this, but I’m not giving up hope.

And trust me that I would ask Jane for help funding if I thought it was one: realistic and two: she could/would help out. But considering that she just can’t afford to help with anything I don’t even want to take a step down that road. Besides, according to their court papers the only thing that is written that she is expected to pay for is medical expenses that go beyond what FH’s medical insurance will cover.

So far the city-run preschool program is the next affordable option, but if not then I’m looking into possibly daycare options. I’d like to at least get him into some social setting so that he’ll have that opportunity to play with children that aren’t his brothers. I know how important social interaction is when it comes to children. Who am I kidding? I know how important social interaction is to adults! I’d also love to be able to send him off to be social without me there. I think that is an important part of him learning his independence and learning more about himself.

Anyway, those are my preschool woes. Wish me luck, and if you have any other ideas of how I can affordably get some socialization in for Younger Boy I’d love to hear them.

Struggling with the Negative Attitude

As you may remember for me 2009 is The Year of the Coffee Bean … a.k.a The Year of Being a Positive Influence. Along with that you may remember that I’ve really been struggling in connecting with and working with Middle Boy. Today was another one of those Bang Head on Wall days.

Older Boy and Middle Boy started school yesterday at their new elementary school. Older Boy is in fourth grade and has already made some friends. Middle Boy is in first grade and has told us that he has still not made any friends.

Now trust me when I say that I have been trying ever so hard to be helpful and positive. I’ve pointed out that it’s the second day of school and that sometime making really good friends just takes a couple of days. Both Older Boy and I have given suggestions to Middle Boy on how to go about talking to kids in his class – like asking if he can play; asking if the other kid would like to play; asking the kid simple things like what is your name, who is your favorite transformer … blah, blah, blah.

Middle Boy informed me this morning that he hasn’t tried to make friends with any of the kids in his class because all the kids in his class are ugly.

Can I tell you how hard it was to hold back that frustration and disappointment? Now don’t get me wrong. I clearly remember getting angry with a friend back in first grade and telling her “Well you can’t come to my birthday party!” Now that was the ultimate insult. Whether I planned on inviting her or not, being told that you’re not invited to someone’s birthday party is an absolute diss! But to hear that negativity come out of his mouth seriously made me feel rather saddened and disappointed inside.

I really wasn’t quite sure how to respond to it. I calmly told him that was not a very good reason to not try to be friends with someone. Then the following conversation occurred:

Me: How would you feel if someone said “I don’t want to be friends with Middle Boy because he’s ugly.”
MB: I would feel sad.
Me: How do you know that some of those kids don’t want to be your friends?
MB: I don’t know.

I’ve talked to my future hubby about trying to talk to Middle Boy about this.

I completely understand being the new kid at school. I’ve been there both as a kid and an adult. I understand being shy. But I seriously have a hard time understanding this sort of negative and hurtful view. And lately it seems that Middle Boy is all about not giving a darn about other people’s feelings. I also can't tell if he just doesn't want to put forth the effort to try and make friends or if he's perhaps throwing his negative "I'm better than thou" attitude at these kids. Because if someone said and did the sort of things that he's been doing lately, I wouldn't want to be his friend either.

The other statement he said to me today included:

Me: So did you get to meet your teacher today? (His first day of school he had a sub.)
MB: Yes.
Me: What was she like? Is she nice?
MB: She’s almost fat.
Me: Oh Middle Boy, I hope that you didn’t say that out loud to anyone …Especially in front of her.
MB: I didn’t.

I’m sure there is a parenting book out there on it. If it was clearly labeled “How to work with the Middle Child of Divorce who is in the ‘I don’t care about other people’s feelings’ stage” then I’d be all set. But I don’t think that any publisher out there would be willing to publish that title.

I’m a little at a loss. I want to think that this is a normal stage for kids to go through. I want to think that there is a really simple and easy solution for this. But at the moment I’m really stumped at how to approach it. I’m Ms. Positive Attitude here. I’ve been doing really, really well with being Ms. Positive Attitude. But Ms. Positive Attitude is getting a little frustrated with Mr. Negative and Rude. And at the same time I’m wondering what other factors could be contributing to this attitude. If it’s something along with Middle Child Syndrome; if it’s something with being a child of divorce; if it has anything to do with the type of attitude that Jane has been an example of. Maybe it’s a combination of all of the above, or maybe not. Maybe this is just something every parent has to deal with once in a while when the right personality is unwound in a child.

Sometimes I think being an instant mom blows. My fiancé has been a parent for about 9 years … I’ve been a parent (and with Jane’s help I’ve had to become a main staple parent) for almost 12 months. [That’s right. My one year anniversary as an instant mom is coming up on September 14th.]

Does anyone want to get a martini with me and unwind?

Learning Not To Take It Too Personally

This is something that has been on my mind about sharing from our vacation. Part of our trip we spent up in Oregon at my fiancé’s parent’s house. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my almost mother-in-law. From the experience of having my dad’s mom live with us for a couple of months, and my friend’s crazy mother-in-law stories I am, In fact, ever so thankful that she is my almost mother-in-law. However, just as any mother does, she says things that really get under my skin at times.

I’m proud to say that I held my tongue on the “going all crazy on her” part and made a respectable “reason and logic” response to her in my reactions. My editorial director has a post-it note on her desk that said “Actions cause Reactions” and I have always kept that in my mind.

Incident One – You’re Too Hard On Them.
I believe we had just arrived after the long drive up to the middle of no where Oregon. Older Boy, who had gone up with FH’s sister, and their cousins were already in the pool. Middle Boy and Younger Boy of course wanted to join them. I asked FH to go get their swimming trunks. FH’s mother and sister were encouraging the boys to jump into the pool with their underwear on. Although a washer and dryer were available, I’ve been trying to teach the boys patience and insisted they wait until FH brought the swimming trunks out. I also very much wanted them to put sun block on before they got wet. Specifically Middle Boy who is about as fair as a piece of notebook paper.

“Just let them get in. You’re too hard on them,” FH’s mother said to me.

At this point I was really tired, and exhausted and a bit cranky. And frankly was in no mood to be undermined in front of the boys. However, I’m rather used to being told that I need to lighten up and I kept a stretched and tired smile on my face as I responded with, “Maybe so, but they need to learn to be patient. If I’m not consistent in what I expect of them then they’re not going to learn.”

With that said, Middle Boy and Younger Boy waited to put on their swimming trunks and sunscreen before they got in the pool. It’s frustrating to me when I ask them to do one thing and then an extended family member tells them “No it’s ok, do it like this.” They more of less look confused and don’t act until they’ve interpreted my reaction or permission.

Incident Two – You’ve Almost Taken Off A Few Times Already
I really couldn’t tell you what the conversation was about that this lovely statement occurred. I just remember the statement because it took every ounce of strength in me not to stand up and leave the room. The tone she used too was what really did it for me. I believe that the conversation was along the lines of FH’s mom telling me how happy she was that we’re a family, and that she hoped that I knew how important my presence was or something. All I really heard next was “Because you’ve almost taken off a few times already.”

The statement felt more like a red hot poker, and my temper flared. I felt the heat rising to my face. What I wanted to say was “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I instead said nothing and just looked at her and raised an eyebrow.

I know that in the very beginning last year I told FH that if he didn’t start standing up to Jane then I was going to move out because I would be damned if I bent over backward to serve her every need and want.

I also know that there has been a moment or two when I was so incredibly angry that I walked out of the house, jumped in my car and took a drive. Mainly because if I didn’t walk away I would have said something I would regret saying, and I needed time to calm down and figure out just what I was so angry about.

But both those times, I never said that I was leaving the relationship or the family. I never said that I was quitting. I never said that I was out of here. I’ve thought “What the hell am I doing?” but I’ve never thought “OMG, I can’t take this anymore. I’m out of here.”

With my experience in customer service, I swallowed it down. After the initial shock of it passed and it rolled down my shoulder I changed to subject of the conversation. Heck, I really don’t remember what to. I obviously didn’t completely let it go. I’ve harbored it in (until my vent now) but it was one of those things that really just got under my skin.

So learning not to take it personally, whether it is intended to be a personal or not personal statement, is my next feat that I have decided I ought to be working on. I’ve had quite a bit of experience with it from Jane and the boys. Heck, even my own mother has given me a run for my money. But it is by far, not the easiest thing. I worked at it pretty good in the office. In the office letting it roll over my shoulder and not taking it personally was cake. Now if only I could transfer that to my home life.

May I Please Have A Break?

I don’t even know where to start in the explanation of what happened in the last week and a half. I guess I shall start with the good news.

New Digs
We found an apartment. It’s across the bridge in the Bay Area, but it’s in a safer neighborhood, in a better school district, in a much better city. It’s also more affordable so that we can save money for the wedding and after the wedding for a down payment on a house. The two rooms are a bit smaller than we’d like, but the large front room and fenced in blacktop yard for the kids to play in more than enough evens it out. (In our opinion at least.)

And, Jane has decided (agreed) that meeting in the middle at Jolie’s house would be the best option. And Jolie will also get to see the boys more often. We try to make sure that she gets a chance to see them too, but this seems to be a win-win situation for everyone. Jane will have to drive part way, we won’t have to worry about wasting gas to drive to Jane’s and Jolie gets to see the kids. Please keep your fingers crossed for us that this actually works.

Dirty Eyes
At my last eye appointment my eyes have made a dramatic change for the better in their recovery. In fact, I don’t need to lubricate my eyes every hour anymore. Just through out the day or as needed. I also have been given the OK to start wearing contacts again (at a slow introductory pace of course).

So those are actually three great new updates from the last entry I was able to post before the week became the “Weeks of Stupid.”

Thursday, July 30th
We drove the boys out to Jane’s. We had plans with some friends and I was busy looking for a dress to wear to my cousin’s wedding when my fiancé called me with some fantabulous news. (Fantabulous is dripping with sarcasm in this usage.)

Jane was working that day. When FH had last talked with Jane she told him that her work schedule was messed up and she was working, however she didn’t say “Don’t bring the kids by.” In face, she gave no indication whatsoever about NOT bringing the kids by, nor about trying to reschedule.

I was livid! Apparently, W*l M*rt changes the staffing manager every six months. Allegedly Jane had informed this new staffing manager that she needs a set schedule. Obviously this staffing manager doesn’t give a hoot. In giving benefit of the doubt I will pretend that Jane gave him/her the details that she has a schedule on when she sees her children and could we please put a little effort into keeping her schedule non-messy. From my experience serving my staffing managers were really good about making sure I didn’t work during the times I told them that I couldn’t work because I have class. I also know that they didn’t really give a hoot for the convenience of other servers when it came to other servers who just weren’t very good employees.

So in the meantime, Jane will be calling us every three weeks to inform us of her days off. And based on our calendar and Jolie’s calendar we will accommodate what we can. If I could I’d write a lovely letter of business and complaint to the staffing people over at W*l M*rt. But considering that could be viewed as interfering with her place of employment I shall refrain.

Monday, August 3rd
I don’t know what or how I did it. But I managed to pop my jaw out of alignment. And when I tried to slip it back in, it just didn’t want to do it. Talking, chewing and anything that required the slight movement of my jaw hurt. The next day I went to the hospital early in the morning. The hospital took my co-pay and then the doctor told me to go home, take some Advil and to call back in three days if the swelling hadn’t gone down.

I again was livid. At my mothers insistence I went to see her chiropractor later that evening. That wonderful man helped align my jaw and neck and gave me a sweet pamphlet on TMJ. Apparently, there’s a bit of TMJ that is causing my jaw to pop out (this wasn’t the first time it’s happened, but it was the first time that I couldn’t get it back in correctly). I went back to see him Thursday and he helped align again. It’s been helping a lot, but my jaw is still rather swollen and sore and I cannot partake in the simple pleasure of eating delicious solid foods (like steak) nor can I open my mouth too wide.

The Rest
On top of all this loveliness I had to take Nasty Cat to the vet on Tuesday for his sneezing issues. He came back with a tube of gel medicine for both him and Fat Cat. Apparently Nasty Cat has this sort of virus that can be passed back and forth between cats. Trying to squirty that gel into their mouths has been a joy. I was putting it on some wet food, but then Fat Cat decided the wet food was just too much and started puking it up on my carpet.

Also work blows. I’ve dealt with so many rude, angry pet owners in the last two weeks I’ve just been pushed to my limit. Had I not been able to have a girls' spa day in on Saturday I think I would have completely blown my lid.

I have more insightful things to share but I think I shall save that for another entry. But all in all, I would love a break from medical maladies. And, I cannot wait for summer vacation to be over at the end of this month. Absolutely cannot wait.

Trying To Understand The Middle Child & Updates

You may remember this post “Coming Clean With Myself” where I ranted a bit about how Middle Boy really really irritates me. And trust me when I tell you that I have been trying ever so hard to stick to my mantra of “It is the behavior that I dislike … It is not the child that I dislike.” But I still have a distinct feeling of frustration, irritation and wanting to bang my head against the wall when it comes to Middle Boy’s behavior.

What it comes down to is that I am the older child in my family. In my family there are only two of us. And point blank I am having the hardest time being empathetic for the life of a middle child. I’m trying. I’m trying so hard but it is so frustrating because I'm just not getting it. I like to think that I have the ability to step outside of the box and view issues. But when it comes to the repetition of some of the things he does I just don't understand.

Is there a book somewhere with a similar title to: “Learning to work with the Middle Child that Has Experienced Divorce – And Who Spends Most of His Day in La La Land?” Because if there is a book out there that focuses on that, I would love a copy.

From taking my Child Sociology and Psychology based classes I can see why he may do some of the things he does. The extreme gloating of things that he has received or just done, knowing that the others have not. The constant picking on and provoking Younger Boy (I think all children that have siblings under them do this.) However, I have no idea how being a child of divorce might have an effect on the Middle Child … much less what it’s like to be the Middle Child of Jane.

Some of the things that I’m doing are:

• Praising him when he does things and trying to help him figure out his own natural talents and abilities. He really has become a lot more independent than he first was when I moved in, and he is learning new things about himself and discovering things about him self as times goes on.
• Taking him out for special “Middle Boy” time when I get a chance. It’s no easy task when I have Younger Boy attached to my hip, and especially now that it’s summer vacation. But when there’s a chance my fiancé and I will bring only Middle Boy along with us (individually) to help him feel special.
• Providing him outlets and opportunities to discover things about himself, to express himself and to let him be creative in his own way.
  

And yet there are some things that I just don’t know how to approach. Patience and consistency are my only tools that I know on these.

When I say that Middle Boy lives in La La Land I mean that Middle Boy literally lives in La La Land. He literally always has his head up in the clouds. He’s that giddy, laughing, smiling boy who prances around with the butterflies, plays with the kittens and spends his time sipping lemonade and sliding down rainbows. It’s amazing how care-free he usually is and I’m ever so happy that he’s able to enjoy being a child. But it’s really frustrating when you’re trying to get stuff done and it’s like everything you ask him to do goes in one ear and out the other, even if you’ve asked him to do it two or three times.

Another thing is when it comes down to trying to talk to him or discipline him. He’s usually Chatty Cathy. However when Younger Boy starts crying or you try to ask him why his dirty clothes are on the closet floor he clams up. He sits there and you can tell that he’s thinking very hard about the answer, even if the question only requires a yes or no answer. He’s even been willing to go sit in time out because he refused to tell us what happened or because he lied to us about what really happened. (We won't even be angry or obviously angry on some of these occasions when we're simply just asking "Why is Younger Boy crying?" We'll ask Younger Boy and the answer just doesn't make sense so we'll ask for clarification from the older children in the room.)

And he’s our sassy talk back kid. You ask him to do something and he talks back or gives you some sass. However, his sass isn’t necessarily the sass of a rebellious teenager. His sass is generally more of a tone and inflection thing. The problem is sometimes it’s not a tone thing and he really is just being disrespectful to us or to his brothers. He also has the “I’m choosing not to listen to you” thing more than either of his brothers. Then it turns into a Middle Boy sitting there playing with toys while his brothers are sitting there trying to get the room clean. He’s just ever so often rude to whoever it is that is trying to ask him to do something. No matter how politely and nicely you try to ask him. I don’t think anyone ever likes to feel that someone is purposely disregarding them and not listening to them.

Maybe I just need to find a book on parenting and stop buying so many books on being/surviving being a step parent. I keep reminding myself I’ve only been doing this for a couple of months and it’s honestly going to just take time, experience and a mistake or two along the way to really feel and “get” an understanding of the parenting thing. It’s just frustrating because it feels like I’ve been living this lifestyle for forever now. It’s like I feel like I should have all the answers to this.

Anyway, that has been one of my main dilemmas lately. Living peacefully with Middle Boy and not stressing out and holding all my frustration and anger at his behaviors inside. Also in trying to figure out a positive and constructive way to handle and work with these behaviors.

Now that I have that out of my system, here are some updates for you. This past week has indeed not been a fun week for me.

First an update on my hand from the last post. The swelling in my hand has gone down finally. I’m actually able to type with my pinky (thankfully! Especially considering I’m on the Internet team and all my daily work is done online! I was even able to cut vegetables for dinner tonight.)

And I brought Nasty Cat to a vet to be in quarantine and to get his rabies update. I got blindsided by Animal Control on Wednesday when they came knocking on my door without a warning phone call that they needed to take my cat. I sent the boys to their room and tried to be calm and not angry with this. Since I didn’t have him up-to-date on his rabies shot my options were to send him to a rescue for 10 days or bring him to a vet for five days. Considering he is a rescue cat I chose that a five-day vet visit might be a bit less traumatic for him than a 10-day stay at a rescue. He should hopefully be home Monday.

For an eye update, the good news is that my eyes have cleared up a bit. I had to switch all of my drops over to preservative free drops and they have made a positive difference. However, I now have a tiny little plug in my right tear duct. The first day and part of the second day were really the only days that I could feel it in there. There was some discomfort – but more of an uncomfortable feeling than any pain. I can’t feel it now and wonder if it’s actually still in there. I get to go back the day after our upcoming vacation to see if it’s made a difference.

This was also the week where Middle Boy went to go spend his extended weekend at Jane’s. I’m waiting for Monday morning to roll around to see if there will be any changes in his behavior due to that. I’m hoping that if there are they’ll be minor. The only thing that’s happened since we picked him up was his gloating to his brothers about things that he got to do, and his plans of gloating to his cousin about new toys that his cousin doesn’t have. He did receive a talking to about that. I don’t have any real details of his stay except for a tidbit that he cried on Saturday when Jane went to work. And that’s all that we know.

I’m sorry this one is so long. Thank you for reading and for any words of wisdom you may have for me. I’m emotionally exhausted but the wheels in my brain have been cranking for days.