My Heart Skipped a Beat

I'm currently the magazine club adviser at the middle school in town. We needed an extra interview for a 6th grade boy so I volunteered to go ahead and do one on Older Boy.

So last night we sat down. It was a list of questions like "What book should everyone read?" and "What is your favorite class so fat?"

So we got down to the question "Who is your hero?" I asked him expecting him to come up with some sports player and:

Crys: "OK. Who is your hero?"

Older Boy: "You are."

Crys: "Me?!"

Older Boy: "Yeah."

Crys: "Aw, thanks!"

At first I had thought I heard him wrong. And then my heart about skipped a beat. I didn't ask why, although I certainly wanted too. But his answer alone was enough to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

It Made my Day

The other day Younger Boy was sitting down and doing his homework. It’s an activity where the sentence starts with a vocabulary word of the week and the child fill it in and draws a photo to go along with it.

I was sitting on the couch nursing Baby JC when Younger Boy came out with his paper:

YB: How do you spell your name?

Me: C-R-Y-S-T-A-L

YB: That’s it! Because I heard the “l” and that means it’s the end of your name.

Me: Oh, OK.

He went up to take a nap afterward and I went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. I noticed his homework for the day was still lying out on the table. So of course I had to go take a peek.

This is what I saw:

To Mom

Younger Boy came home from school yesterday and pulled out the papers from his backpack. One of them was this gem.

I didn’t ask him about it. Usually when he brings home art he tells me that it’s for Grandma Jolie or his Aunt Raquel. He’s yet to bring something home he’s made for Jane. So when I saw the “To: Mom” I just really didn’t want to feel the shaft.

Later that evening I was in the kitchen getting dinner ready. I hear FH ask Younger Boy:

FH: Who is that for?

YB: Crys

I can’t even begin to describe the bolt of joy and happiness that went through my body. I felt loved and very special. And I kind of chuckled because Younger Boy used a “DUH” inflection in his voice. It always cracks me up when he answers with that inflection that “We obviously should have known” the answer already.

Middle Boy Goes Teal

Middle Boy currently has a Mohawk growing. I won't lie. I wasn't all that thrilled with it but then I made myself take a step out of my box of “what I like” and gave much consideration to “how this makes him feel.” And I think having a Mohawk makes Middle Boy feel a bit more like he stands out from being the Middle Boy. It’s different from the styles his brothers are currently sporting and one of his friends at school has a Mohawk also so I think it helps Middle Boy feel like he fits in a little more.

Sidenote: My mom (who has worked in child development for forever now) and I had a conversation the other day about how Middle Boy’s odd personality is probably a big factor in the fact that he just has a hard time making/keeping friends. So I’ve been trying to brainstorm ways to help Middle Boy learn some skills or habits to help him with his social awkwardness.

Back to the story – I decided to embrace Middle Boy’s Mohawk which means that I’ve gone all out in supporting the growth and development of the Mohawk.

More recently … as part of a reward for being on task with his responsibilities and treating his brothers with kindness and consideration he was allowed to choose a color to dye his Mohawk. He at first wanted a neon green, however his blond hair is a bit dirty blond right now and I didn’t want to bleach it in order to get the color to show. I also didn't want him to be disappointed with a color that wouldn't show up as vibrant as he was expecting.

I showed him some darker shades of Teal and Turquoise that closely resemble his favorite shades of aquamarine. He chose the Teal. It’s a wash out after a couple of washes so I’ve had to keep coloring it about once a week. The fabulous thing is that with each color job the color is richer looking.

The first night that we dyed his hair he had the biggest, real smile I have ever seen on him throughout the past 2 and a half years that I’ve known him. It really made my heart warm inside to see him so happy because of the three of them he seems to be the one that is most down in the dumps.

I also got him some hair cement to get the effective spike to his hair style.

This, of course, needs a photo to help show the fabulous smile and showcase the Mohawk. I present, with my best superhero mask paint skills, Middle Boy’s Mohawk.

From “The Boys” to “A Boy”

My parent’s have been wonderful in terms of accepting my instant family as their own. A photo of the boys hangs in their living room, the boys get excited when they find out we’re seeing them and give them both hugs, and my parents have shown a great interest in the boys well being.

Starting last summer they started making arrangements to spend some one-on-one time with the boys. Each month they take one of the boys for a night or two so the boy of the month can get some individual time away.

This month was Older Boy’s turn. My dad brought him to a Shark’s hockey game and got him a hockey puck. I got a great photo text from my mom of him sleeping with his puck. It was really cute. I also found out that Older Boy was rather sad to have to leave.

At first I thought “oh, he doesn’t enjoy home” then I wizened up and realized it’s because he had just had the rare luxury of being an only kid for a couple of days. We try to make sure to spend individual time with each of them when we can, but with four kids (one being an infant) now that is a bit hard sometimes.

They also have always been the three of them for so long now I wonder if everyone kind of views them as “the boys.” And if it’s not the three of them it’s two of them. Because of their situation being in the spotlight really is a luxury to them. I didn’t think much of it until my told me about a conversation with my cousin’s fiancé.

He too was a child of divorce. And when he found out that my parent’s were the ones who asked if they could spend some get to know you time with each of the boys alone said “I wish someone had thought to do that with me.”

I too had a younger sibling, but I did get alone time here or there. OR if both of us went over to a family friend’s place there were siblings our age so we weren’t stuck with just each other to play with.

I’ve gotten the impression that perhaps the boys are tired of being “the boys” and would each like to be “a boy.” I may not be able to control how others treat them, and I may not always be able to do something lavish like take them out on a Crys and boy dinner date, but I’d like to see FH and I make more of an effort to single each boy out.

We’ve started with Older Boy by making sure he has a day to help make dinner each week. FH has come up with some activities that he can do with each boy also. I think it’s important for him to try and spend some more one-on-one time with each of them. We’ve brainstormed some other ideas too but I’d love to hear of any suggestions on ideas or personal experiences from you ladies.

Feeling A Little Guilty

Well, I’m glad to say that we’re moved out of the old apartment and are in the nice bigger townhouse. It’s not the permanent place, but it’s more fitting. Older Boy now has his own room which is a big deal. Middle Boy and Younger Boy are sharing a room and will just have to work harder on getting along. And the baby will have her own little nook in the master bedroom with us. She even has her own closet which is already full of clothes, blankets and diapers.

Can I also tell you that at 34 weeks I’m so ready to have this baby? I’ve been trying so hard to be patient because all I want is to have her already and get it over with. I’ve also been trying hard not to think too much about the whole birthing process that is in the very near future. Gah!

August has been crazy busy which is probably how it passed by so fast. It’s also been a relaxing time because the kiddos have been at one place or another. This week Older Boy and Middle Boy are staying with Jane for the week and we have Younger Boy here with us. He spent a weekend with Middle Boy at her home the first weekend of the month.

I’m feeling a little guilty because I don’t have a longing, missing feeling for them. I know that FH misses them like crazy. But I’m currently enjoying the quiet and less chaotic times. I’ve also been feeling rather disconnected from the boys. Even with Younger Boy I’ve felt disconnected lately and have been working on feeling that attachment to him again.

I’m not sure why. I think it might be a combination of being pregnant, them being gone, the looming reality that life is about to get even more chaotic, and me really enjoying some peace and quiet work days.

I guess that’s just the life of a stepmother though. I don’t care for them any less. I don’t love them any less. I don’t desire or wish the best for them any less. I also don’t loath them coming back. I’m just not missing their presence at the moment. It’s a sort of limbo … or perhaps it’s my way of trying to cope with the reality that more huge change is on the way.

I honestly look forward to a day when perhaps life will be a little more set and not so many new, big changes are happening all at once. I know change is unavoidable, but this is A LOT of BIG change happening all at the same time.

Aww – He Cares About Me!

Not that I doubt any of the boys care but I’m always so touched when they show it. I guess it’s a part of that “I hope they like me” thought I’ve always had since the first day I met them a little over two years ago.

I’m 26 weeks pregnant today and I’m just growing and growing. I can no longer pull off squeezing into over-sized jeans and my regular shirts. I’ve, for the most part, replaced all of my every day wear with maternity clothes. Except for my sleepwear because my pj pants can still stretch enough and sit under my stomach, and I’m in the market for some new tank sleep tops.

It was this past weekend and the five of us were finishing up a tasty breakfast. I had on pj pants and a tank top and my stomach was sticking far out. Younger Boy came up to me with a look of concern on his face. He scratched his head and asked:

YR: What is happening with your tummy?

Me: That is where the baby is growing.

YR: Oh. My baby is growing too.

Awww! I felt so special that he was concerned for me. His baby, of course, is the imaginary baby that is currently growing in his stomach. He has told me on numerous occasions that he is feeding his baby because he knows I have to feed my baby.

Since he’s still at home with me for the most part until his Pre-K camp starts he’s been very helpful. He helps feed Nasty Cat lunch and dinner, he helps me pick up things that I’ve dropped and just am not about to crawl under a table to retrieve, and just this afternoon he helped me tuck the tag of my shirt in.

Isn’t he just precious? You know, when he’s not busy bossing his brothers around.

We Got Married!

We endured much wedding preparation chaos but we overcame all. It even came down to the chaos of needing an extra $400 five hours before it was due, however with the help of my parents and getting FH’s taxes filed early we pulled it all off.

Our wedding day was a really joyous and amazing day! We made sure to include the boys were we could in the ceremony and the smiles on their faces and their excitement really paid off for it.

I wanted to share my wedding vows with you. I don’t normally cry and I didn’t think I would. In fact for the whole first part of my vows I was doing pretty well. Then I got to the part where I made promises to the boys and I looked over at them as I said their names. As soon as I said Older Boy’s name he got the biggest smile on his face and his eyes widened and he just glowed. And that did it. Tears swelled in my eyes and my heart just about stopped beating in happiness. I somehow choked out the rest of my vows but I did it.

Of all the boys I think I was worried most about being accepted by Older Boy since he’s the oldest of course. Although he’s the one who has been asking for months and months now when we’d be getting married he’s been saying little things that have made me feel welcomed both as a family member and a parent to him. For one he named me as his parent in an essay he wrote while on the other hand he named Jane’s guy as his stepdad. I’ve very much accepted that he has accepted me as a parental figure in his life. He also vocally gives me much credit for many things and that has made me feel even more welcomed.

Anyway, here are my wedding vows:

FH, I promise to love you, to hold you and to honor you, in good times and in bad, to enjoy you, to communicate with you always, and to console you when you need consoling. I will give thanks for you each and every day, and cherish you with all of my heart. And I promise to be a patient, loving mother to Older Boy, Middle Boy, and Younger Boy; caring for them and providing for them as my own. I promise to be their strength and their emotional support, loving them with all my heart forever.

We also did a family sand ceremony. I ended up going to a craft store and buying small vases, sea salt and coloring. I also got a glass etching kit and put the first letter of our first name on each of our vases. We also let the boys pick out the color they'd like. It came out really nice and all of the boys were really excited to be able to have a role in the wedding.

Here is a photo of the sand ceremony set up before the ceremony.

Here is a photo of afterward. And as an added bonus there’s my hand-made bouquet and our yummy cake.

I’m hoping now that things have been settling back down I’ll be able to post more frequently again.

Children Discovering They CAN Do It

I have been living in the joy of firsts the past week or so with Younger Boy. I’ve realized that there is nothing quite as exciting, beautiful or heart warming as when a child realizes that he CAN do something by himself. I think part of it is that when I first came I realized just how not independent the boys were, and ever since I moved in with them in September last year I’ve been working ever so hard to help the boys each to discover their independence.

However since most of my time is spent with Younger Boy I’ve noticed his light bulb going on a lot more. Last week while Middle Boy was at Jane’s on his special weekend we brought the boys to the swimming pool. We had signed up the two older boys for swimming lessons so they could learn how to swim and gain some confidence in the water. (And I felt a whole lot safer about them going to the pool with Jane if they at least had some of the basics down.)

I personally had never been to a pool with Younger Boy. He’s gone before with my fiancé, Jane and his Auntie Allison. However I had never gone with him. I didn’t know how he had been allowed to participate in the water or what others had generally taught him about the water. We put a little life vest on him so that he would at least be able to float.

At the pool itself and brought him into the water past the steps he started clinging to the wall or me for dear life. I decided that for that time in the pool I was going to teach him how to blow bubbles and feel more comfortable in the pool. It got to the point where he was no longer clinging to the wall or me, just simple holding my hand. I taught him to kick his legs and eventually we were gliding across the pool … I was pulling him and he was kicking. We all decided to climb in the hot tub to warm up before we went back home. That’s when he looked up and me and my fiancé and declared “I can learn to swim!” And with that he was pushing off from one side, gliding across and floating himself.

After we had returned home and dechlorinated I found out from my fiancé that as far as he knew Younger Boy had never had that experience before. I felt proud of myself and very proud of Younger Boy for not only taking the challenge on, but for realizing that he can do something himself.

Another thing he’s been learning is that he can brush his teeth by himself. We used to do it for him and over the weekend I had the idea that “Maybe I can brunch my teeth with him.” I figured if the boy could learn to wipe his butt then he could by far learn to brush his teeth. I wasn’t sure how much he’d grasp but figured it wouldn’t hurt to give it a shot.

We stood side by side looking in the big mirror in the bathroom and he mimicked my movements while I brushed my teeth. It was really exhilarating when he realized that he was brushing his teeth like I was. His eyes got big, he got a look of excitement and then his eyes glittered with joy. I about jumped for joy myself watching him.

Despite the frustration of raising a toddler (much less a toddler that has just had to go through a divorce and the confusion of having Jane as a mother) I have absolutely been embracing this chance to raise a child and teach him how to do things. These little accomplishments that each of the boys has reached since I’ve moved in help me realize that maybe I’m not doing all that bad of a job after all.

Updates: Nasty Cat is home from kitty jail. He’s been rather lovey dovey ever since he came home and by that I mean that he’s wanted to be pet and cuddled a lot more than he used to want from us.

Also we’re going on vacation next week up in Oregon and Washington. So please don’t think that I’m ignoring you or have disappeared into the land of the unknown. I’ll be back and I’m sure I’ll have all kinds of stories to share. And I’m totally using all of your road trip tips that you have been posting.

Trying To Understand The Middle Child & Updates

You may remember this post “Coming Clean With Myself” where I ranted a bit about how Middle Boy really really irritates me. And trust me when I tell you that I have been trying ever so hard to stick to my mantra of “It is the behavior that I dislike … It is not the child that I dislike.” But I still have a distinct feeling of frustration, irritation and wanting to bang my head against the wall when it comes to Middle Boy’s behavior.

What it comes down to is that I am the older child in my family. In my family there are only two of us. And point blank I am having the hardest time being empathetic for the life of a middle child. I’m trying. I’m trying so hard but it is so frustrating because I'm just not getting it. I like to think that I have the ability to step outside of the box and view issues. But when it comes to the repetition of some of the things he does I just don't understand.

Is there a book somewhere with a similar title to: “Learning to work with the Middle Child that Has Experienced Divorce – And Who Spends Most of His Day in La La Land?” Because if there is a book out there that focuses on that, I would love a copy.

From taking my Child Sociology and Psychology based classes I can see why he may do some of the things he does. The extreme gloating of things that he has received or just done, knowing that the others have not. The constant picking on and provoking Younger Boy (I think all children that have siblings under them do this.) However, I have no idea how being a child of divorce might have an effect on the Middle Child … much less what it’s like to be the Middle Child of Jane.

Some of the things that I’m doing are:

• Praising him when he does things and trying to help him figure out his own natural talents and abilities. He really has become a lot more independent than he first was when I moved in, and he is learning new things about himself and discovering things about him self as times goes on.
• Taking him out for special “Middle Boy” time when I get a chance. It’s no easy task when I have Younger Boy attached to my hip, and especially now that it’s summer vacation. But when there’s a chance my fiancé and I will bring only Middle Boy along with us (individually) to help him feel special.
• Providing him outlets and opportunities to discover things about himself, to express himself and to let him be creative in his own way.
  

And yet there are some things that I just don’t know how to approach. Patience and consistency are my only tools that I know on these.

When I say that Middle Boy lives in La La Land I mean that Middle Boy literally lives in La La Land. He literally always has his head up in the clouds. He’s that giddy, laughing, smiling boy who prances around with the butterflies, plays with the kittens and spends his time sipping lemonade and sliding down rainbows. It’s amazing how care-free he usually is and I’m ever so happy that he’s able to enjoy being a child. But it’s really frustrating when you’re trying to get stuff done and it’s like everything you ask him to do goes in one ear and out the other, even if you’ve asked him to do it two or three times.

Another thing is when it comes down to trying to talk to him or discipline him. He’s usually Chatty Cathy. However when Younger Boy starts crying or you try to ask him why his dirty clothes are on the closet floor he clams up. He sits there and you can tell that he’s thinking very hard about the answer, even if the question only requires a yes or no answer. He’s even been willing to go sit in time out because he refused to tell us what happened or because he lied to us about what really happened. (We won't even be angry or obviously angry on some of these occasions when we're simply just asking "Why is Younger Boy crying?" We'll ask Younger Boy and the answer just doesn't make sense so we'll ask for clarification from the older children in the room.)

And he’s our sassy talk back kid. You ask him to do something and he talks back or gives you some sass. However, his sass isn’t necessarily the sass of a rebellious teenager. His sass is generally more of a tone and inflection thing. The problem is sometimes it’s not a tone thing and he really is just being disrespectful to us or to his brothers. He also has the “I’m choosing not to listen to you” thing more than either of his brothers. Then it turns into a Middle Boy sitting there playing with toys while his brothers are sitting there trying to get the room clean. He’s just ever so often rude to whoever it is that is trying to ask him to do something. No matter how politely and nicely you try to ask him. I don’t think anyone ever likes to feel that someone is purposely disregarding them and not listening to them.

Maybe I just need to find a book on parenting and stop buying so many books on being/surviving being a step parent. I keep reminding myself I’ve only been doing this for a couple of months and it’s honestly going to just take time, experience and a mistake or two along the way to really feel and “get” an understanding of the parenting thing. It’s just frustrating because it feels like I’ve been living this lifestyle for forever now. It’s like I feel like I should have all the answers to this.

Anyway, that has been one of my main dilemmas lately. Living peacefully with Middle Boy and not stressing out and holding all my frustration and anger at his behaviors inside. Also in trying to figure out a positive and constructive way to handle and work with these behaviors.

Now that I have that out of my system, here are some updates for you. This past week has indeed not been a fun week for me.

First an update on my hand from the last post. The swelling in my hand has gone down finally. I’m actually able to type with my pinky (thankfully! Especially considering I’m on the Internet team and all my daily work is done online! I was even able to cut vegetables for dinner tonight.)

And I brought Nasty Cat to a vet to be in quarantine and to get his rabies update. I got blindsided by Animal Control on Wednesday when they came knocking on my door without a warning phone call that they needed to take my cat. I sent the boys to their room and tried to be calm and not angry with this. Since I didn’t have him up-to-date on his rabies shot my options were to send him to a rescue for 10 days or bring him to a vet for five days. Considering he is a rescue cat I chose that a five-day vet visit might be a bit less traumatic for him than a 10-day stay at a rescue. He should hopefully be home Monday.

For an eye update, the good news is that my eyes have cleared up a bit. I had to switch all of my drops over to preservative free drops and they have made a positive difference. However, I now have a tiny little plug in my right tear duct. The first day and part of the second day were really the only days that I could feel it in there. There was some discomfort – but more of an uncomfortable feeling than any pain. I can’t feel it now and wonder if it’s actually still in there. I get to go back the day after our upcoming vacation to see if it’s made a difference.

This was also the week where Middle Boy went to go spend his extended weekend at Jane’s. I’m waiting for Monday morning to roll around to see if there will be any changes in his behavior due to that. I’m hoping that if there are they’ll be minor. The only thing that’s happened since we picked him up was his gloating to his brothers about things that he got to do, and his plans of gloating to his cousin about new toys that his cousin doesn’t have. He did receive a talking to about that. I don’t have any real details of his stay except for a tidbit that he cried on Saturday when Jane went to work. And that’s all that we know.

I’m sorry this one is so long. Thank you for reading and for any words of wisdom you may have for me. I’m emotionally exhausted but the wheels in my brain have been cranking for days.

Bonding Inadequately With Stepkids

I’ve been feeling rather inadequate lately in my bonding with/creating relationships with the boys. And by that I mean that I feel that I’m bonding more with some of them than with others and that kind of rather bothers me.

I often have to remind myself that I’ve only been in this lifestyle for about a year now and that for what it’s worth we have all come a long way with our relationships with each other, as well as adjusting to our new life together.

Perhaps it’s that missing link … you know … that link – that feeling – that parental unspoken magnetic bond that parents are supposed to have with their children. I think it’s just that void, that hole, that missing feeling that I feel ought to be there but since I’m not their biological mother it’s just not there. And that trying my best and beyond my best is going to have to just be good enough. I just still feel rather lonely sometimes. Despite the fact that I’m surrounded by much love I still feel like I’m just not a part of it yet. It’s frustrating. I’m so much a part of this family, yet sometimes I still feel like the outsider.

My relationship with Younger Boy is probably the strongest one I have. And it makes sense I think. I spend all day with him. He’s the youngest and was 2 years old when I first entered his life. I’ve been there to teach him skills like potty training, putting his clothes on by himself, buckling up his seat belt by himself. I’ve also been there to hug him when Jane didn’t want him to come over, to help him develop his own independence and to show him that there is more to life then just watching TV or your brothers play video games.

With the other two I can’t quite say that I’ve spent the amount of hours with. I try to find things that we can share. I have grilled peanut butter sandwiches with Older boy and pizza tortillas with Middle Boy. I also try to find other activities or games or really just anything that I can do with them.

I took Older Boy to a science day at the library, and I introduced him to his beloved Goosebumps books. I went on a field trip to the zoo with Middle Boy and I was also able to attend one of his honor roll ceremonies (assemblies) at school.

Perhaps it’s also that Older Boy and Middle Boy remember what life was like B.C. ("Before Crys" as FH and I have lovingly dubbed it). And I know for a fact that life B.C. was a lot different than it is now. I can sometimes see the confusion on their faces when they remember things … Mostly in Older Boy though you can see the torn expressions. He sometimes asks me things like “How come I never did this before?” or “How come we never went *insert place* before?” I don’t want to bash life before me so my best answer is simply “Well, you’re doing it now, right?”

Older Boy is very thoughtful. He obviously doesn’t want to bash his biological mother, but he’s also pretty pleased with how things are going for the most part now. I wish there was some words of wisdom that I could tell him to ease any frustration.

I wish there was also words of wisdom out there that could help me feel better about my situation. I think that for now all I can really do is continue to work on my relationships with the boys individually as well as a family. It has been a challenge thus far, but oh so worth the frustration.

Older Boy Is Blossoming

I am ever so thankful that the boys are all younger than tween years. I’m able to still work with them on behavior and teach responsibility young enough for them to hopefully grasp it into their teenage years. However, I am even more thankful for Older Boy. He just turned 9 and is old enough to grasp things. I am sad that he’s had to experience the heartache and pain of having his parents divorce, but I am glad that he’s been able to see the positive changes and is starting to grasp the right from the wrong.

Older Boy is very motherly, however I’ve been working with him to be less “I’ll do it for you” and more “I’m going to help show you/teach you how to do it for yourself” with his younger brothers. (I’ve had to do the same lesson with my fiancé but I’m proud to say that he’s caught on to his lesson on that very well.) Backing up a bit, I’m very thankful for Older Boy.

Older Boy has helped me to potty train Younger Boy. And he’s helped to be the good example of how to do it with him for other things too. He’s helped to be an example of how to be a big boy and eat your food. He’s helped to be an example of how to buckle your seat belt. And he’s also been oh so helpful in being the example of how to do the right thing, and what to do when you see others doing the wrong thing (although we’re still in the process of that but slow and steady is better then not at all).

I think that this “Helping to teach” his younger brothers has been helping to boost his confidence in himself and helping him to feel more independent as well. My latest request for him was actually to help show Middle Boy how to do something.

Usually Older Boy will help me out by sitting with Middle Boy while he reads to help with words he gets stuck on. However, lately I decided that Middle Boy really needed a lesson on how to properly brush his teeth. And by properly brush his teeth I mean not to make a giant foaming mess that will end up on my shirt hem or pants when I go to put my contacts in/do my hair or make up. Older Boy was up to the challenge. Not only was he awesome and show Middle Boy how he brushes his teeth, but he also stayed to watch Middle Boy brush his teeth and even was very helpful in providing tips and reminders to Middle Boy like “spit in the middle of the sink” and “don’t allow the foam to just fall out of your mouth and onto the counter top.”

I was making lunches for them while they were doing this, but all I could think was, “Thank goodness for Older Boy!”

I’ve also been trying to connect with him as being the oldest child in the family. (My fiancé is the youngest in his.) I think he’s been pretty thankful that he has another older child to relate too. Whenever we have to do the “You’re the older brother and you have to set the example” sort of thing I always tell him one of my experiences that I had to learn about being the good example for my younger sister. It probably also helps that my mother tells him stories of the time I messed up and what I learned growing up as the older child.

It is absolutely amazing to me how much Older Boy has blossomed since I moved in. He started off being this really quiet and not very confident boy in his shell all the time. He’s a thinker that observes the situation at first, but he’s really started to come out of his shell and be more of a participant than just an observer. I think having people who encourage him, challenge him, and show him that there are so many opportunities out there and all you have to do is try has really helped him a lot.

A Story Of Heartache

Between Younger Boy and Jane I think I could write a novel for my blog. First off ... I’ve been totally MIA due to the fact that my job description has been updated again. Or perhaps I should say is in transition/guinea pig mode. I also have started a blog for work and that has by far sucked up my Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I’m hoping to get the routine down sooner than later though because being without my stepmom blogs and feeling like I just don’t have the energy to turn a computer on after work sucks. Anyway, here I am and I have missed you all. I actually have two things to share with you, although I think I’ll share one with you now and the other with you later this week. And then I’ll follow each entry up with a Younger Boy funny.

Thing One – The Heartbreaking Story
I might as well just start with this. My mother has always worked with children. She started off working with autistic children, moved to pre-school and then into child development. Needless to say, not only have I always had a good resource on hand to bounce ideas off of, but I’ve been able to get a good experience working with different types of children. I was hanging out with my mother one afternoon when she told me a story about one of the children at her work.

This little girl is about 8 years old. Her parents have been divorced since she was 2 years old. From what I gathered she sees her mother on Thursdays. On this particular day she didn’t want to do her homework in the after school program like she’s encouraged to. She kept telling my mom and the other teachers that she would do her homework at her mom’s. She eventually had a very bad meltdown and started crying that she didn’t want to do her homework there so that her mom would help her with it.

My mom let her calm down a bit and pulled her aside and said: “I think I know what you’re doing. You’re hoping that if you bring homework to your mom’s house that she’ll sit down and work on it with you and spend some time with you.”

The little girl was amazed that her plan of action had been sought out, but agreed that was what she was doing. My mom then told her that she really hopes that her mom would sit down to work on it with her, but that in the chance that she doesn’t she hopes that she would still be able to get her homework done. And she offered this little girl to at least look over it with her in case she had any questions later.

The little girl’s mother is always on the computer. She goes over to visit her and her mom is on the computer doing who knows what. Now this not only made my heart ache, but made me really think.

I work on a computer all morning. But I really do try to take time to get off of it to go see how Younger Boy is doing. I make sure to sit down and eat lunch with him. I, of course, must stick to my work and make sure that I get my stuff done, but at the same time I need Younger Boy to know that I am here to listen to him and that I am here for him if he needs me.

This then made me think of Jane. I always get so frustrated to find out that the boys did nothing but watch TV and play video games when they visit her. I’ve asked my fiancé so many times if she spends time with them or talks with them or does stuff with them. Apparently she doesn’t. Older Boy always tells him the update. She plays online games all day. She apparently doesn’t pay much attention to her baby either. If you remember that one entry, her baby’s babysitter and best friend is the movie “Kung Fu Panda.”

Anyway, this story made me wonder if any of the boys will ever have a meltdown like this little girl did. It would tear my heart into pieces if they had to find gimmicks and ways to make Jane pay attention to them. Although, from past posts about Younger Boy’s behavior you’ve probably come to the same conclusion that I have that his outbursts and set backs in his behavior are ways to get attention from her. And he then carries them over to me. I truly know in my heart that I can’t prevent this from happening. I know that all I can do is be here for them and try my best to help them know that they are loved.

After my mom told me this I decided that I was going to spend some time with Younger Boy. My best friend was in town and we were going to go shopping at the outlets. So I brought Younger Boy with me and we had a really good time. He danced in the stores, got to eat Jelly Belly jellybeans, and even got half of a cookie from the Rocky Mountain Fudge Factory.

The funny that cracked mus both up was that every time we passed a mirror in a store he would stop and look at it.

YB: Crys! Look! It’s a picture of me!
Me: That is you, isn’t it?
YB: Look! Now it’s a picture of me as a monkey! *As he pulls out his ears and puffs up his cheeks*

It made me very happy, and amused, to see him really have a good time and laugh like that.

Younger Boy Funny
Yesterday I realized that Younger Boy is definitely going to be a guy’s guy. And by that I mean that he’s really starting to embrace the stereotypical things that make a guy a guy ... the embrace of gas.

YB: Pfffft. Eww, something farted in my mouth!
Me: Ewww that must be stinky.
YB: I love being a man

That kid might push my patience – daily – but he sure can get me cracking up.

3 Year Olds Have Feelings Too

I have been working to be proactive when it comes to Jane’s visits with the boys. And I mean that in the most positive and compassionate way. Before I came she hardly ever saw them – maybe once a month. I arrived and she had her baby, and she started calling more often. I took a weekend to read through the divorce papers so that I could understand legalities a bit better in their situation. They have joint legal custody, but he has sole physical custody.

I’ve had to come and think about things… a lot of things. Is this “sudden want” to see the boys:

• Because she’s on maternity leave and has time to see them (before she had the baby her available days were Thursday because that was her day off.)
• Because I’m here and she feels that she suddenly has competition
• Because perhaps, there’s a chance that she’s actually changed and WANTS to see them because she wants to. (And I say this because the way she’s presented taking them was as if she was doing us a favor by taking them off of our hands.)
  

My concerns with this “sudden want” to see the boys is, “Is it going to last?”

I suggested working trying to set up a schedule, and then the boyfriend brought up the whole maternity time off ending at some point. That terrified me. I don’t want to get the boys hopes up if it’s all going to end. I’ve already seen it happen once. And it broke my heart to have to tell them that they actually weren’t going to be seeing Jane that weekend.

So we’re just playing it week by week, month by month, holiday by holiday. I don’t know if she was going to ask for them for the Thanksgiving holiday. But I asked the boyfriend to find out if she would like them for a couple of days during their week off. And I guess she said yes, so I’m hoping that she won’t change her mind.

Back on topic, I have tried to be proactive about it. I’ve been trying to remind the boyfriend that I need to be made aware of what decisions have been made when it comes to them visiting her. I don’t want to make plans only to find out that plans were already made. [Refer to “And Then I Exploded.”] That is communication between us. However, this post refers to her lack in communication with us. She likes to drop things on us the day of.

Jane was supposed to take the boys this weekend. Come Friday, I find out she only wanted two of them. She said it was because she didn’t have room in her car for all of them to visit her father this weekend. However, after the boyfriend picked them up he said that she was talking about continuing only taking two at a time. Now, she did just have a baby and I understand that, but do the boys?

We chose to keep Younger Boy with us, since she didn’t say which two she preferred to have. We chose to keep him because he’s still potty training and the last time he stayed at her house he allegedly finger painted with his poop. (Which he has never done here, but I’m not going to say she’s a liar.)

All I can say is that it broke my heart when the boyfriend and Middle Boy went to go pick up Older Boy without him. He knew that he was supposed to go to her house. And (while we are working with him on this) Middle Boy isn’t very common sense smart yet when it comes to gloating about getting to do things others don’t/not teasing people about getting to do things others do. They walked out the door and Younger Boy sat there, on the ground with the saddest look on his face. Head looking down, hands clasped in his lap. And one lone tear trickled down his cheek.

It took a lot of strength not to cry myself. I beckoned to him and we sat there. I wiped his tear and told him I loved him. (And I know that I’m not replacing her, I never will and I don’t intend to. I like to hope that we can have a relationship of our own.) He was soon smiling, and that was important to me.

The boyfriend and I decided to make it a fun weekend for Younger Boy. We took him out to Pier 39 to see the sea lions and the big hit with him was the pigeons (the kitcheons). We all had donuts for breakfast in our bed and watched cartoons all morning.

I know that he’s only three, and he may or may not remember it. But I hope that he’ll remember that he is loved, and he is wanted, and that he had a good time with us. He has feelings too, and those feelings can be hurt while us adults are too busy trying to 1) figure life out, 2) thinking about ourselves and 3) make our life work the way we want it to.

Balancing My Emotions

This last weekend was rather rough for a couple of us in the household. At least there were a couple of meltdowns.

There was a collision of emotions for me this Sunday for sure – anger, frustration and a whole lot of stress. It’s all a perception and a mind frame, and I do know this. It just doesn’t help when things happen to feed the fire.

Middle Boy woke up in the middle of the night crying, and saying that he wanted to come home. “I want to come home” he wailed. Flailing his limbs out at both me and the boyfriend and wandering around aimlessly, obviously lost and confused. He does this every time, at least as long as I’ve known him, he spends the night at his mother’s house. Which as I’ve said, isn’t very often; which is also why I can honestly say that every time he’s spent the night at his mother’s house, the next night he wakes up crying and lost.

It breaks my heart and I’m rather lost on what to do. Is “Home” with us because he’s not used to sleeping somewhere else? Is “Home” with her because that’s where she is even though she hasn’t lived with them for well over a year? What do I do to help him, console him, comfort him? It's hard to help someone that you don't understand, so patience, unconditional love and hugs is all I can offer.

Instinct tells me not to let him spend the night over there until he can mature a bit, or at least understand the situation a bit. “She can spend the day with them, but he can’t spend the night. Hold the woman accountable for her choices. It’s not fair to him that she gets to decide when she sees them and we bow down to it!” I scream inside.

I’ve always been rather hard core about holding people accountable for their actions – especially myself. But that line here is rather gray. (I guess it goes back to my post about smudged lines.) Is it really horrible of me to want to hold her accountable for her actions? For her choices? I guess it’s just something that I’ve learned while growing up. Holding myself accountable and doing the right thing, and making sure that I’m being responsible and not focusing in on the wrong things. And also, making sure I hold other people accountable. I can't push all the blame on myself if I accept that other people need to hold themselves accountable also. If they fail in doing so then I shouldn't beat myself up. Because before I learned this lesson, I would have.

Back on topic, it drives me up the wall that this is happening. She’s their mother, she always will be. That can’t be changed. But it just doesn’t seem fair to the kids. They love their mother, but their mother’s actions just don’t add up. She chose not to have any sort of custody of them. So does that mean that if the kids are having a rough time with situations that we try to work things out so that it’s best for them and not to please her?

It’s all so confusing. What’s right? What’s wrong? What’s fair to everyone, but what’s best for the boys. Am I being responsible? Am I being too responsible? Am I being unreasonable or too Capricornish? Maybe a little bit of "all of the above?" Or maybe I'm being a bit too hard on myself (as usual).

Back to the topic (for reals this time) …this last waking up in the middle of the event left me exhausted. The anger welled up and then ... fizzled. I woke up this morning, and the wanting to hold people responsible and accountable is still there, but the anger inside was gone. I’ve decided that the wonderful little things are just far too good to pass up enjoying. The anger, I know that will always be there, but I will try my best not to lie in it. My last post talked of needing to find a way of dealing. I think it’s more that I need to find a way of balancing the emotions. The wonderful happy ones should far outweigh the negative ones, even if at times it seems that there are more negative ones. Wonderful Happy Moments by far bring warm fuzzies to my soul, and I much prefer to feel those than a sour upset stomach.

Wonderful Happy Moments of Today:
*Older Boy asking “When are you and daddy getting married?” (this just made me laugh…because he has asked this before.)
*While helping me put clothes in the washing machine Middle Boy tells me “Crys, when I get to school today I’m telling my teacher that I helped my mommy put clothes in the wash.” (Me = mommy. Although this is awfully confusing because they call their mother “Mommy” also. I guess you have to know the context to understand who they are talking about.)
*Middle Boy running up excited and giving me a big hug after school today.
*Middle Boy (picky eater) asking for seconds on his pizza tortilla (a creation from my childhood.)

And the day is still pretty new, so there are more moments to come.

Building A New Family To Call Our Own

When it comes to the boys, I realize that I'll never replace their birth mother (She Who Must Not Be Named). And I had told the boyfriend that I didn't want to replace her in their lives - stepping into the hole that she had created when she chose to leave ... that I really hoped that we would be able to start something new. I wanted to be a major positive in their lives. The one that made the difference. That was something that is important to me. I mean, if I changed my Plan, shouldn't I get something to sort of go my way? Shouldn't I get something that I can work toward and achieve? It's a bit arrogant and selfish I realize...wanting something new and wanting to be someone spectacular and special. But the view from my shoes ... it's attainable.

And although I know on some level I am filling some void that all four of them had felt, I think I've accomplished my hope of still creating a new positive experience and building a new family with them that we can call our own.

Today was the first day of school for older boy (who is 8) and middle boy (who is 5). Younger boy (who is 2 and will be 3 in October) gets to stay with his Maternal Grandmother for the time being...unless I get a job and then he'll continue to stay there in the mornings.

But anyway...the point of this, why I think I'm on my way to accomplishing my goal, is that I got a phone call from the boyfriend around 6pm tonight.

BF: "I have some news that might make you happy."
Me: "Oh yeah, what's that?"
BF: "Middle boy called you his step-mom today."
Me: "Really?!?"

I think that recognition really made my day. We want to do this as right as we can, without forcing the boys to feel like they don't have a choice in the matter. (Although they don't get to tell me to take a hike, but I don't want them to feel like they HAVE to refer to me as one thing or another, especially since we're not moved in together yet/much less are the boyfriend and I married.)

Apparently, Middle Boy's teacher gave him a paper and told him to give it to his mom (or someone like that...I really can't confirm as I wasn't there.) So Middle Boy gets back to his Maternal Grandmother's after school. She pulls the envelope out and as follows:

Grandma: "Who gets this?"
MB: "Crys does. Because she's my step-mom"

I guess I felt rather accepted and special because he thought of me and not She Who Must Not Be Named.

One of my greatest fears coming into this was that I wouldn't be accepted. That everything I did would be wrong, viewed as "out to get them" and of course that "evil wicked step-mother" stigma didn't help. But the boys and I seem to be accepting each other more and more each time we get to see each other (every weekend just about).

Another example is last weekend when I drove up to see them (the long 7 hour drive thanks to Rush Hour). Older boy tried so hard to stay up so that he could say hi to me. He of course conked out around 11pm, but I did get some nice hugs the next morning. But the fact that he wanted to stay up and see me made me feel special.

I think that I don't give myself enough credit, in my worrying that the boys are going to reject my love and care. As I'm just now starting to see the positive effect that it has had on them. And I can only hope that despite the stigma and my fears, my relationship with them will continue to grow stronger and more enriching for all of us.

I came into this relationship wanting to be someone that they could learn from, and now that I reflect, I see that I'm learning a lot from them, too.