Two and a half weeks in the countdown of when I officially leave my career and move in with the boys and the boyfriend. I am so very excited about it, so very terrified of it and at the most random, and sometimes inconvienent times, they marry together to form a precious Reality Check (aka the Freak Out).
It was an Internetless weekend, followed by an emergency trip up to Northern California. Apparently my presence was much needed to sign the apartment lease and they wanted a money order instead of a personal check. [Monday and Tuesday - That's two vacation days - at least they're paid.]
Monday we sat and signed and initialed through the 40-something page lease. So much excitement that we're actually going to be able to all live together in a place all of our own. And it's a nice little two-bedroom apartment. After the signing, we went back to the boyfriend's sister's house (where he and the boys have been staying for the time being.) And once we got back there, it's started to creep up on me.
It started off as excitement and warm fuzzies, and then turned into uncomfortable chills along my spine, and then it just all turned sour. The air around me thickened and I do believe I wrinkled my nose up in disgust. And I decided that I had to go out - alone.
I went to the grocery store to get some stuff for dinner and for Dutch apple pie. And as I'm in Aisle 12 gathering supplies for homemade pie crust, the sourness explodes into clarity. And by clarity I mean fear. And by fear I mean I about cried, screamed and looked for a place to hide all at the same time.
The reality check was that I was going to be living with a boyfriend (I've never even considered living with a boyfriend before this.) Not only would I be living with the boyfriend, but I'd be trying my best to be a "motherly figure" to three boys who are in a world of changes going on themselves (potty training, starting kindergarten, learning how they feel about me, etc.)
It didn't help that earlier that day I had seen my highschool sweetheart who, upon hearing that I had put in my final notice and was moving up to Northern California, replied with an astonished and shocked "After all that hard work that you put into it?" (Please note that this is a very common reply to the news that I "Ms. Career Oriented, Single Girl With a Cat" has been recieving to my new transition.)
Back to Aisle 12 - to be blunt, it was the most fearful and bigger of my reality checks (freak outs) that I've experienced yet. I guess it's because it's all starting to fall into place. I worried about my independence, my individuality and, of course, questioned whether or not I could provide the boys with what they needed most.
The thought of living with a boyfriend absolutely tears at my independence. I've had this way of life for so long, it seems almost sacreligious to be turning a cheek on it now. My individuality felt threatened. What changes would I really have to make in order to be a good role model and decent parental figure to them. Was I really the right person for this (as I reflected on past fraternity parties and questionable bad mistakes.)
It took me a while to realize that these were all just fears, and that my fears would only have as much power over my life as I allowed them to have and grow and thrive on. I had to calm down and bit (OK, a lot). I thought of my role models [another entry], I convinced myself that the boyfriend had to see some good potential in me if he was allowing me to move in, and I reminded myself that I had to have seen some good potential in me myself if I had agreed to all this.
I found my breath and realized that I was probably being my own worst enemy at that point. And that if I continued to focus on the negative, then of course things would seem That Bad. Not that it isn't OK to be afraid and scared, but I'm that chick that takes the challenge on directly, standing tall and appearing unafraid. Not the chick that's in Aisle 12 forcefully squeezing a bag of brown sugar to the point of leaving fingerprints in the plastic.
So I guess my next goal is to really learn how to relax and not stress and provide negativity for myself...there's already one person too many providing that in our lives. And I really don't want it to be me.
(They're) All My Children.
6 days ago