Small Town Bound

I was raised in the hood because that’s where my dad’s family house was. The neighborhood went to shit around us. I went to sleep with the sound of bullets flying, and recognized a drug deal when it was happening right out in front of my house. My parents had about had it when a kid at my sister’s elementary school was caught with a baggie of coke. Then we moved to a small farming town because my parents wanted us to experience the safety and community of a small town.

We moved just in time for my 8th grade year. I vowed I would leave as soon as I turned 18. And I did, to go to college, but I keep going back. It’s a love-hate relationship, but it is home. My parents have since moved to another city but my sister and I keep going back whenever we get a chance. I’ve since then brought my new family out there and have submerged them as much as I can into my small town family.

FH and I have talked casually about moving there someday and with Older Boy about to start middle school we’ve decided we’d like to move there. I have an idea now about why my parents moved us there. Although it’s not the exact same reasons that my parents moved us.

Middle Boy and Older Boy have had a really hard time it seems. They’re really drawn in and seem to be big fish lost in a lake with little fishes. In other words, they do well in class and often get pushed aside so teachers can deal with the children who are not doing as hot. Also, they just closed two elementary schools in our town so their elementary school that already has large class sizes is getting an influx of new students.

We’ve asked Older Boy what he thought about moving to the small town and he was really excited. Older Boy asked for a tour of where all the schools were at. If he had been reluctant I think we might have reconsidered, but since he has a lot of enthusiasm and excitement I think we’re going to go for it.

We’re really hoping that being in a small community will help them to flourish as individuals … Especially with sports, new friends and a sense of security with the town. I’m genuinely hoping that they’ll feel the same way I do about the small town … that its home.

A Ray of Sunshine Indeed

I wanted to share a little something about my life now as a stepmom who now has a child of her own.

Before I used to get really upset because I felt out of the loop when it came to my instant family. FH and the boys shared that parent-child bond that I could tell was missing in my own relationship with them. I also, and still do, feel that sometimes I just don’t belong or that something is off.

I’m aware I’m their mother, yet I’ll never be their mother. Or at least at this moment in their young lives they’re just not going to “get it” how life has dramatically changed for the better with me in their lives. I won’t lie. I’m often the parent of authority. I don’t forget that they’re children but I expect them to learn responsibility, respect and independence along the way.

Often, and usually with Middle Boy, I get the feeling that I’m loathed or that I’m a big pain in the ass. And I might just be a pain in the ass as I expect them to learn to do things like make their bed, be kind to each other and to make the right choice even when they really want to do the sad choice (like hit your brother).

Also, since I don’t have that parent-child bond with them it’s sometimes hard to connect. I guess what I’m saying is that unconditional love just isn’t there from them. They might have a love for me, but it’s not the same.

Now that I have Baby JC my life feels truly blessed. Not just because I know have this amazing opportunity and gift of giving birth and having a child that I created, but I know what it feels like to have that unconditional love back. In other words, I don’t feel completely alone. If anything, having her has sort of helped me and the boys to either relate to each other or feel a bit more validated as a family.

And even on those days that I feel completely left out due to their actions, I still have her to help make me feel better. I’m not saying that every stepmom should go out and have kids. Not everyone is ready to have kids. Some people just never are.

But for me, having her around has helped me to feel less stressed and anxious over having stepkids. She also helps me to emphasize with them more. I look at her and I am able to calm down if I am angry, think about the fact that they are my kids and treat them the same way that I would think I would treat her.

I hope that makes sense. It’s hard to describe the way her being in my life has helped me to be a better stepmom. She is definitely a ray of sunshine in my life though. I think I’m a better person because of her.

This is Baby JC at 4 months old. She will be 6 months next week.

I Just Don’t Give a Darn

Twenty Eleven is already different. I don’t know what caused it or what specific action caused me to change my perspective of Jane. But so far into 2011 I just don’t give a darn about her anymore.

I realized it last month. First she called off sick. Then some other reason came up. It was about 2 to 3 weeks that she didn't see the boys. FH was rather flustered that she wasn’t calling back and that’s when I realized I didn't care about her anymore. I told him to just let her call him back. When she wanted to see her children she’d call back. There was no use in us getting all upset because she’s a crappy mom.

I believe after a week passed by he did call her back and amazingly she called him back. However, she canceled called in sick again right before FH and the boys were about to drive out to her last week. Luckily they hadn't left yet. Instead of getting furious like I normally did I found myself shrugging it off thinking "oh well, her loss."

We still try to set aside the one day of the week that she hopefully will be seeing them, but my anger toward her incompetence as a responsible, caring mother has lessened to where it’s only going to spark if she has physically harmed them. I can’t imagine what sort of emotional harm she’s done, but my job is to make sure that we’re loving and supportive of them in our home. And to make sure that no matter what she does we’re consistent and provide a good stable, loving home for them.

It also could be that FH is suspicious that she is pregnant again. The man has seen her pregnant four times now … I wouldn't put it past her either now that I gave birth to the daughter she’s always wanted. In which if it turns out she is I’m absolutely disgusted with her, but if I continue to distance myself from her then my personal well being won’t be disrupted with her sad choice making.

My family and home come first before I stick my neck out to worry about her feelings anymore. In the past 2 ½ years her actions have shown me that she’s in it for herself, and not for the boys. Older Boy and Young Boy’s actions toward her are already indicators that she’s continuing to dig her own hole.

A Little Selfish

J.C. is about two weeks old now and life has definitely been changed. I’m glad I’m on maternity leave because I think it will take me another week or so to get into the habit of waking up at 6:30am so that I can function before I have to wake the boys up to take them to school. And that means no matter how many times I do or don’t wake up during the night my morning responsibility is to make sure the boys get breakfast and to school on time.

I’ve felt a little selfish though lately and I’ve had a hard time sharing … although I do share because, I can’t very well not share when the boys live with us 24/7.

I’ve felt a little selfish because I’m a first time mom with instant kids and I’ve felt very flustered with that at times. I’ve had to set an alarm on my cell phone so that I’ll be sure to be awake when it’s time to pick up or drop off Younger Boy from kindergarten. I’ve had to one-handedly put together lunch components while holding a baby in the other hand. And I’ve had to share her and FH with them. I think that was hard because I really harbor the moments when it’s just me, FH and J.C. I’ve had to remind myself that there are three other people that are a part of this family – even when at times even some of them don’t act like it.

And it’s not out of dislike for the boys. I think it’s just me realizing that my situation as a first time mom isn’t typical. And that is frustrating at times.

So to deal with it, I’ve learned to soak in time alone with J.C. I’ve learned to soak in the special moments that FH and I have together with J.C. I’ve also learned to make sure to remind the boys that they get to be a part of her life too. Older Boy doesn’t need the reminder and I appreciate that he’s always willing to help out with her and to kiss her goodnight without us having to tell him that he can.

Middle Boy is in charge of gathering up the diaper bags every night and Younger Boy still talks about her all the time. But the two of them tend to walk past her at nighttime without a kiss on the cheek. I’m not sure it it’s just forgetfulness on their part because she’s usually sleeping or if they’re waiting for permission to kiss her. I always feel a little silly having to remind them to kiss their sister goodnight.

Anyway, that’s the main thing I’ve been learning to deal with lately. For the most part having a baby in the house hasn’t been nearly as impossible as some people have made it sound out to be. She sleeps well and isn’t a crying poopy mess all the time. I also now have that connection with a child and it is amazing. I also now cannot imagine how or why Jane would not want the boys to be a part of her life. It makes even less sense now to me. Luckily I’m totally over trying to make sense of Jane’s actions.

I didn't know that such a little person could make me feel so happy and warm inside. And as much as I have a hard time sharing, I feel even more happy watching Older Boy playing with her. That's love that is heart melting.

She’s Finally Here!!

“It is the nature of babies to be in bliss.” -Deepak Chopra

I wanted to stop in and update everyone. The fabulous news is that there is a stinkin’ cute baby girl in my home.

I had a 20 hour long labor with only 2 1/2 hours of pushing. It was definitely a full day effort. If you look at the day I started with regular contractions though it was about 40 hours of labor. Baby J.C. was born at 8:28pm on October 7, 2010, at 8 lbs 5 oz 21 inches long.

It wasn’t a fun labor (not that I expected it to be.) I had a 102.7 fever and unfortunately so did the baby. She was in the NICU for the first 2 or so days, and I was visiting her every two or so hours to feed her and spend some time with her. We both were on watch because we had to have our temperatures stabilized and normal for a 24 hour period and we had series of antibiotics. She was finally able to stay with me in my room on Saturday night and we finally came home Sunday afternoon.

I’ve been slowly recovering and trying to get some strength back. J.C. is doing good though. F.H. and I make a really good team when it comes to taking care of her and sharing responsibilities. Luckily he was able to take the week off so that he can help out around the house and we have bonding time with her.

The boys are absolutely in love with her. They look at her with such wonder. They haven’t been able to do a lot with her considering she’s a baby but we’re trying to think of ways that they can be more involved in her care. The most precious thing though is watching them all give her a kiss good night before they head on up to bed. Especially Younger Boy whose face absolutely lights up and glows whenever he gets to see her or talk about her.

I’ll hope to be back sooner than later. It kind of all depends on having the energy and moment to spare. I hope that everyone is doing well!

Baby J.C. a couple minutes old.

J.C. all snuggled up and sleeping.

School Has Started

School has started! And this year they start 20 minutes earlier then they did last year. This means that we all have to wake up earlier. Luckily for Middle Boy, he’s a pop out of bed, awake, morning early bird. Unluckily for Older Boy, Younger Boy and myself we’re sleep in until at least 9am, you’d best not wake me, where’s my coffee, I can’t believe I’m up this flipping early non-morning persons.

It’s been about a week and a half now and we’ve all managed to get a routine down. I drag my butt out of bed around 6:30am-6:50am. I wake the boys up around 7:10am. They make their beds, get dressed, come down and eat dinner. I’m meanwhile putting their lunches and snack together. The goal is to get out the door at 7:30am to get them to school around 7:40am. This way Older Boy can walk Younger Boy to his kindergarten class and still have time to make it to his class line and socialize a bit (wake up a bit more).

Considering I’ve cut out the coffee for now and I haven’t slept well through the night in months I’ve been majorly dragging butt. Thirty-six weeks pregnant is exhausting. Everyone keep telling me I have no clue what I’m in for because I’m going to be waking up even more during the night. But considering I’m waking up about 5-7 times during the night as it is I’m hoping that maybe I’m just getting in good practice for nightly feedings and diaper changes.

On a different note, Younger Boy is really, really excited to finally be at school. He’s in the morning class so I pick him up at 11:25am. Luckily, he was accepted into the after school program from 1:40pm to 6pm so he’s able to come back and socialize and play some more with kids his own age. It’s a blessing, in my opinion, but a pain in the butt trying to juggle between meetings at work.

His after school program teacher though was having trouble keeping him focused. Considering he’s a kindergartner (and an excited kindergartner at that) FH and I figured he’d have to work on learning to focus more. But she asked us the other day for tips.

She mentioned she had tried bribing him with “You can be in the front of the line” and some other mumbo jumbo. Basically we told her that in addition to being super excited he was probably testing her on what he could get away with on his scale of Jane-who-lets-him-do-what-he-wants-and-bribes-with-toys-and-goodies on the left and me-who-enforces-structure-holds-him-accountable-for-his-actions-and-challenges-him-to-find-things-to-do on the right.

He tried pulling the sad, blinking back tears that weren’t there yet trick in front of us when we called him over to have a chat. His teacher mentioned that the face scared her because she felt bad, so I demonstrated the resistance to it and got results. Perhaps I’ve just had more training in working with children and behavior between being an instant mom and working in the childhood development centers all those years.

The good news is that she reported to FH the other day that she found that if she gave him a task to focus on he was much better instead of going wild.

I’m hoping that with time Younger Boy will get used to being in a class environment. And that in a couple of weeks I’ll go into labor, because I’ve been really, really patient.

Memo to Nasty Cat – Don’t Get Too Comfortable

Memo: To Nasty Cat

Dept: Cats

From: Crys

Subject: More Changes

Nasty Cat, I want to acknowledge that you have been a pretty good sport with all the changes we’ve undergone together in the last two years.

You’ve been very tolerant with the boys, other children who come to visit the house and even with FH. You’ve also been very good, for the most part, about the constant moving every year to a new home. I feel your pain on not enjoying it all the time, but I appreciate it and I wanted you to know that I appreciate it.

I know that you too are very excited and looking forward to tomorrow (Wednesday, August 25th) when the boys go back to school. And I do mean all three boys will be going to school for a good part of the day. Younger Boy will be going to kindergarten so that means that he will only be gone for part of the morning, but no worries he will eventually go all day too.

With this said I think it is time I inform you that I am now about 35 weeks pregnant. I know this really means nothing to you at the moment, but to me that means that in a matter of weeks I’ll be giving birth to this little baby. I’m not sure if you’ve ever experienced a baby before. I’m not sure what your life was like before I brought you home from the shelter. But a baby is a whole new thing for both you and me.

I know so far your main experience with this baby has been when you try to cuddle up around my suddenly large stomach and you get poked. I know it's confused you. There you are, napping on my lap when you get a swift poke (kick) to the head. FH and I really didn't mean to laugh at you, but the look of surprise and confusion on your face was priceless.

With my experience with babies they like to cry, and poop, and sleep, and eat … a lot. In some retrospect a baby’s life is very similar to how you spend your day.

I know you’re aware that we’ve acquired some new furniture. Like the chair on wheels contraption and the other lounging chair with the handle. We’ve been trying to set these out so that you can see them, get used to them, and realize that their not yours.

In closing – the baby is almost here. And that means that life is about to get all kinds of crazy again. I thought I ought to at least try to give you a heads up since it’s about to be you, me and the baby all day.

Just so you know, I still love you a lot and you’ll always be my kitty. But you’re going to have to learn how to share me. Oh, and you can have total rule over the boys’ rooms while they’re off at school.

Kind Regards,

Crys, House Co-Director

NOTE: I'm attaching a photo of you trying to sleep on my lap with the baby to help remind you that you have already sort of become a part of the baby's life. She knows who you are by your purring and I like to think that maybe she already likes you and her poking at you is her way of saying "hello."

To Hope or Not Hope August Is Speedy

Dear August,

I’m rather torn about you. On one hand I would love if you went by slowly. You see, this week all three boys are at home. And it’s only Monday and I’m already going nuts.

But then next week all three boys will be off to Oregon and Southern California. And then the week after that we may or may not only have Younger Boy at home. (You know, if Jane actually gets her shit together and asks for the week off like she was supposed to do a month or two ago when we first decided on dates.) And then the week after that school starts!

Yet, I’m really miserable in the department of baby creating right now. I’ll be at 32 weeks sooner than later and am apparently the size of a hippo. People keep asking me if I’m sure I’m not having twins and last night was the first night that sleep just wasn’t happening. I don’t know if I’m up for a month and a half more of sleepless nights like this. Or perhaps this will actually be the last month of normal sleep I have before the little blossom arrives.

We’re also in the middle of moving…Which I am not a fan of … especially because I can’t do anything. But it is a bigger apartment and not only will Older Boy finally have his own room but I will once again have a washer and dryer in the unit.

So you see, I would love more than anything if you went by as quickly as July did, but at the same time something tells me that I really ought to cherish your presence. So please don’t be offended if one minute I hate you and the next I love you. If you need to point blame you can point it at the crazy preggo hormones.

Thank you for hearing me out.

Kind Regards,

Crys

Video Game Junkies

I mentioned a while ago that before I came into their lives all four of my boys (including FH) were ruled by video games. There were Nintendo DSs, a Wii, a Playstation 2, a regular old school Nintendo … I’m pretty sure that’s it.

I’ve worked pretty hard to try and encourage more playtime, outside playtime, creative playtime, reading and anything that doesn’t involve the TV or video games. It makes me sad sometimes, and a bit astounded, how easily a TV turned on can suck the boys in. I’ve noticed it’s mainly Older Boy and Middle Boy though. Younger Boy isn’t as easily pulled into a turned on TV as his older brothers are. I like to think that my influence has something to do with it.

It won’t even be anything intriguing. It could be a commercial or one of Younger Boy’s little kid shows. If the TV is on I can guarantee that Older Boy or Middle Boy will stop whatever it is their doing and will be staring at it, mouth slightly open, and all thoughts of whatever it was they were supposed to be doing are gone.

Back on topic, I’m fully aware that when the boys go over to Jane’s all they do is watch TV and play video games until all hours of the night. That’s why every time we pick them up they're exhausted and falling asleep. Any overnight adventure at Jane’s will surely result in a long nap the next day. It’s irritating, but what can you do?

FH told me that he had a conversation today with Older Boy.

The jist of it was that FH told Older Boy that he doesn’t mind that he plays video games over there since he doesn’t get a lot of time to play over here. (My sidethought is that I don’t mind the fact that they want to play video games. It’s just I wish they’d learn some self control when it comes to playing them.) Anyway, Older Boy told FH that he’s getting bored playing them because he’s played them so much. It’s a step forward, right? At least until Jane brings home a new video game for them?

Maybe next time they go over I’ll suggest to Older Boy to maybe bring a book and his drawing pad. In case he wants to read or draw.

Eleven Weeks

Eleven Weeks – that is how far along I am in my pregnancy.

I’m still trying to grasp it although seeing the ultrasound made it more real for me. I’m a mix of emotions. I’m excited, and terrified, and flat out amazed. I’m also hating on the first trimester. Morning sickness blows, and if I don’t eat something small every 30-40 minutes I feel nauseous.

I’m also exhausted. As excited as I am, I really was looking forward to some downtime between the wedding and getting to be a wife. It still seems weird calling FH my husband in casual conversation. It sounds almost unbelievable telling everyone that I’m pregnant. It was quite a surprise that not even a week after the wedding I’m peeing on a stick that is telling me I’m pregnant. Not just pregnant, but six or so weeks pregnant.

But that is life, and we’re going to open our next chapter with open arms.

If anything the boys are very, very excited. I’m not sure how involved they got to be in Jane’s last pregnancy. But we’ve been having them take part in helping me out now. I’m glad that they’re as excited as they are. It’s helping me adjust to it all much easier.

Older Boy has taken on the duty of litter box patrol. It’s been great because he hasn’t complained about it and he does it every night as if he’s been doing it for years.

Younger Boy and Middle Boy actually got to be there for the first ultra sound. We made sure there was a heart beat before we brought them and FH in, but they were really excited and fascinated by the experience. We’re hoping that Older Boy will be able to accompany us one of these times once summer comes.

So here he or she is!

The Need to Purge and Release

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and understanding. I think a lot of it was a ton of built up stress, and the fact pointed out that FH and I really need to try to get some time to ourselves to work on our relationship. If we don’t take care of us then there is a greater chance it just won’t work out. Right?

I very much needed to get the feelings out, and then sleep on it. I felt a bit better this morning, although I’m still stressed.

Another part of it is just stress from wedding planning. I never dreamed I’d be paying for my own wedding, at least I always figured I’d have some financial help. But in the current economy both our parents are strapped for cash as well. I also never counted on having to pay for three kids that weren’t mine. Considering FH and I are the only ones providing for them, that down right frustrates me when I’m no longer able to treat myself to my once a month splurge.

I finally allowed myself to order coffee from a coffee shop as my treat for the month because it had been about two months since I had done so.

Another stressor is that FH got a second job on the weekends, which leaves me and the boys home all weekend together. It’s not that I don’t like hanging out with just me and the boys, but it was a very long weekend without him there. Especially since on Saturday I wasn’t sure of when he’d be home and it was a very long waiting day. And then on Sunday the boys decided it would be the day to not listen, bother each other without mercy, and to totally act up to the point that I was pulling my hair out.

A big part of me wishes that I had been the one to pick up a second job just for the sanity of getting out of the house and conversing with others. But another part of me thinks a second job would not be mentally sound for me right now. I’ve always been the super do it all woman, but lately I’m just exhausted with all the current stress factors.

I also just don’t know who to turn to sometimes. It’s bad enough I’ve never had an easy time reaching out. But when it comes to feeling frustrated about the situation it’s not easy to talk to just anyone about it. I feel like if I don’t get it out then I’m going to bottle it up. And yet on the second hand I need to work on not getting so frustrated with it. Jane’s not going to change and this is most likely how life will continue to be.

BTW, thank you for the idea of swapping babysitting nights. I know I have other people out there who are always willing and have told me to let them know if we would like a night off. I think in the madness of wedding planning events the last two and half weeks and feeling pinched because we just don’t have any money to spare this week (it’s the week in the month where I pay all my big bills and FH doesn’t have any money left over either) I’m just feeling like I’ve dug myself into a big hole and I can’t figure out how to get out.

I find that even though I’ve been doing this for a year there are still a lot of things I’m having to adjust and adapt too when it comes to having children in your life. I assume this is something almost every parent feels as their child grows and becomes a different person. Throwing sass one day and hugs the next. I also assume that the fact that I’m raising someone else’s children with no previous experience of my own is another punch being thrown at me.

Thankful for the Preview

Despite the “taboo” of living together before getting married, with three kids in the picture I just felt that I had to do it. I was raised Roman Catholic. Since high school I have learned to develop my own ideas. But the “sin” of living together before marriage kept echoing in my head. (Those echoes are hard to turn off after being dragged to church three times a week and having nuns and priests preach down on you about how you are sinning and sure to be sent to burn in hell unless you ask for forgiveness.) After a while thought I said “F” that!

The other big risk that came with living together was of course sacrificing life as I knew it. Like in Izzy Rose’s book “The Packaged Deal” I too sat there many nights before and after moving in thinking to myself amidst tears and frustration and overwhelming feelings “This had better F-ing work out.”

As I mentioned in my last entry, September 15th was my one year anniversary as an instant mom. It involved leaving my dream career, my sister, my friends and my single-gal lifestyle. Being thrown into an instant mom life was by far not easy. Having to figure out meals for a family of five, caring for children full time (that weren’t mine), living with people and trying to hang on to my sanity overnight in no way can be mentally healthy for anyone.

But hey, I’m still here. And I’ve seriously thought about it the last couple of days.

Moving in before getting married has giving me the following:

One – An opportunity to see what daily life might be like. Before I moved in it was me, my sister and the cats. Life wasn’t quite as organized and dinner might range anywhere from a beer and some good food at a pub to a baked potato at home. Socialization was on my terms and if I just wanted to lie around in my room with a book or a DVD I could. Not that I jumped into this relationship and situation with plans on leaving, but by not being married I could indeed still leave if it just wasn’t what I wanted for myself.

Two – An opportunity to experience the crap of living in the aftermath of divorce without feeling trapped. I had a huge epiphany yesterday. I honestly think that had I gotten married and moved in and had to experience some of the things I have had to – I really think that I would have likely felt more bitterly about it feeling like I was trapped by the bounds of marriage. I really hate feeling I’m being forced into something without a choice. Whenever I’ve come across the “I didn’t sign up for this” notion I’ve reminded myself that I did make the decision to be a part of it, and that I was still making the choice to be a part of it. I think having the option to be able to leave has really made me appreciate my situation more. I am making the choice to be here. I’m not trapped and being forced to experience this with no way out. And even though we’re not married yet, I think that living together before hand has helped to make me stronger and more aware of what life is going to be like.

Three – The opportunity to slowly adjust to life with a man and his children, and an opportunity to experience what life is like to be a part of something bigger than myself. I have had so many friends who have gotten married and then found that they just couldn’t tolerate life together afterward. I’ve seen relationships fall apart after moving in with each other. Do I totally love living with all the aspects of an all male household? No way! There is no way in hell that I love smelling the silent and deadly gas that seems to occur every day. There’s no way I love hearing the daily complaining and yelling and whining. But, I’ve learned that these are things that I can tolerate living with. And that the man and boys I’ve chosen to live with I love more and more each day … despite their smelly gas and constant noise.

So after a year I’ve come to realize that I really am thankful for the opportunity to preview what life might be like after marriage. I’m even more thankful for the opportunity to experience all of this with the option to walk away from it. It has made me appreciate it that much more. And despite that we’ve been living together for a year, both my fiancé and I are still absolutely excited about getting married. Our living together hasn’t ruined the excitement of “What’s to come” because there is still so much to come after marriage for us and our new little family.

The Not Horrid, The Good, The Amazing

First off, This is my 100 post.Woo Hoo! Go me!

And on to the rest of it ....

I feel like I have been apologizing so much for my lack of posting. Although I promise I have at least lurked. For those of you that are my friends on Facebook, you know that I’ve been moving. For those of you that aren’t my friends on Facebook, I’ve been moving.

Have I ever told you how much I dislike moving? I hate packing. I hate unpacking even more. In my 28 years of life I have now moved 20 times. And that is no exaggeration; I literally just sat down here and counted it out. And we’re not yet done.

We still have a bunch of junk left at the old place. We still need to unpack a bunch of junk at the new place. And there are all these little things in between that are just not fun.

Anyway, I’ll share three things with you here. There’s the Not Horrid, The Good, and The Amazing.

The Not Horrid - Jane Cancelled
Today was supposed to be the first of her days that Jane is supposed to drive and meet us halfway at Jolie’s. Well, she called in sick. Is she really sick? She had damn better be sick because I had plans to try my best to finish packing up and cleaning out the old apartment that we had to put on hold because we have the kids. But still, it is not the worst thing that could have happened. We got to have a tasty dinner of carne asadas, garlic fries and green beans instead of the Kent*ky Grilled Chicken we were planning on having. And we didn't have to disappoint the boys because they weren't aware that they were going to see her. It's still a pain in the butt, but not telling them when they're supposed to be seeing her has been so great for the times she's had to cancel. Is that going to kick us in the butt at some point, I have no idea. But we have the signed calendars for each visiting period, I make notes when she cancels and why, and we seriously do try our best to accomodate and plan around her sketchy schedule.

The Good - I can see!
I went to my last eye appointment and my vision is pretty good. Not quite cleared totally, but with the continued lubrication of my eyes daily it should get there sooner than later. So I don’t need to make another follow up appointment in two to three weeks. I’m seriously ecstatic. That’s $20 I don’t have to make sure is in my bank account.

The Amazing - A Spot for "Stepmother"
Older Boy and Middle Boy start school this upcoming Monday. That’s not the amazing part though. My fiancé brought home the paperwork to get them registered and on that paper work it asked:

Who does the child live with:

Name (Father/Stepfather/Guardian)

Name (Mother/Stepmother/Guardian)

Did I ever mention to you all the hassle we had to deal with in trying to get my name on the forms at the old school? How many times something happened at school and FH and I didn’t hear about it until the next day because the school called Jolie instead of me? The game of phone tag where the school called Jolie, Jolie called FH and then FH called me? Oh yeah, it was spectacular.

I’m so excited that I get to be included in this … much less of how directly I can be contacted now if something happens at school. Who am I kidding? I was so darn excited that there was a spot on that form for a Stepmother.

And just to end it here is a kid funny:

YB: I get to go to preschool!
OB: Middle Boy, what did you learn in preschool?
MB: I don’t know. Not to throw sand in the air at the other kid.

Awwww! Bless them for providing me with such entertainment. Holding in the giggles was rather painful with my sore muscles from moving, but oh it was oh so funny!

Learning Not To Take It Too Personally

This is something that has been on my mind about sharing from our vacation. Part of our trip we spent up in Oregon at my fiancé’s parent’s house. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my almost mother-in-law. From the experience of having my dad’s mom live with us for a couple of months, and my friend’s crazy mother-in-law stories I am, In fact, ever so thankful that she is my almost mother-in-law. However, just as any mother does, she says things that really get under my skin at times.

I’m proud to say that I held my tongue on the “going all crazy on her” part and made a respectable “reason and logic” response to her in my reactions. My editorial director has a post-it note on her desk that said “Actions cause Reactions” and I have always kept that in my mind.

Incident One – You’re Too Hard On Them.
I believe we had just arrived after the long drive up to the middle of no where Oregon. Older Boy, who had gone up with FH’s sister, and their cousins were already in the pool. Middle Boy and Younger Boy of course wanted to join them. I asked FH to go get their swimming trunks. FH’s mother and sister were encouraging the boys to jump into the pool with their underwear on. Although a washer and dryer were available, I’ve been trying to teach the boys patience and insisted they wait until FH brought the swimming trunks out. I also very much wanted them to put sun block on before they got wet. Specifically Middle Boy who is about as fair as a piece of notebook paper.

“Just let them get in. You’re too hard on them,” FH’s mother said to me.

At this point I was really tired, and exhausted and a bit cranky. And frankly was in no mood to be undermined in front of the boys. However, I’m rather used to being told that I need to lighten up and I kept a stretched and tired smile on my face as I responded with, “Maybe so, but they need to learn to be patient. If I’m not consistent in what I expect of them then they’re not going to learn.”

With that said, Middle Boy and Younger Boy waited to put on their swimming trunks and sunscreen before they got in the pool. It’s frustrating to me when I ask them to do one thing and then an extended family member tells them “No it’s ok, do it like this.” They more of less look confused and don’t act until they’ve interpreted my reaction or permission.

Incident Two – You’ve Almost Taken Off A Few Times Already
I really couldn’t tell you what the conversation was about that this lovely statement occurred. I just remember the statement because it took every ounce of strength in me not to stand up and leave the room. The tone she used too was what really did it for me. I believe that the conversation was along the lines of FH’s mom telling me how happy she was that we’re a family, and that she hoped that I knew how important my presence was or something. All I really heard next was “Because you’ve almost taken off a few times already.”

The statement felt more like a red hot poker, and my temper flared. I felt the heat rising to my face. What I wanted to say was “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I instead said nothing and just looked at her and raised an eyebrow.

I know that in the very beginning last year I told FH that if he didn’t start standing up to Jane then I was going to move out because I would be damned if I bent over backward to serve her every need and want.

I also know that there has been a moment or two when I was so incredibly angry that I walked out of the house, jumped in my car and took a drive. Mainly because if I didn’t walk away I would have said something I would regret saying, and I needed time to calm down and figure out just what I was so angry about.

But both those times, I never said that I was leaving the relationship or the family. I never said that I was quitting. I never said that I was out of here. I’ve thought “What the hell am I doing?” but I’ve never thought “OMG, I can’t take this anymore. I’m out of here.”

With my experience in customer service, I swallowed it down. After the initial shock of it passed and it rolled down my shoulder I changed to subject of the conversation. Heck, I really don’t remember what to. I obviously didn’t completely let it go. I’ve harbored it in (until my vent now) but it was one of those things that really just got under my skin.

So learning not to take it personally, whether it is intended to be a personal or not personal statement, is my next feat that I have decided I ought to be working on. I’ve had quite a bit of experience with it from Jane and the boys. Heck, even my own mother has given me a run for my money. But it is by far, not the easiest thing. I worked at it pretty good in the office. In the office letting it roll over my shoulder and not taking it personally was cake. Now if only I could transfer that to my home life.

May I Please Have A Break?

I don’t even know where to start in the explanation of what happened in the last week and a half. I guess I shall start with the good news.

New Digs
We found an apartment. It’s across the bridge in the Bay Area, but it’s in a safer neighborhood, in a better school district, in a much better city. It’s also more affordable so that we can save money for the wedding and after the wedding for a down payment on a house. The two rooms are a bit smaller than we’d like, but the large front room and fenced in blacktop yard for the kids to play in more than enough evens it out. (In our opinion at least.)

And, Jane has decided (agreed) that meeting in the middle at Jolie’s house would be the best option. And Jolie will also get to see the boys more often. We try to make sure that she gets a chance to see them too, but this seems to be a win-win situation for everyone. Jane will have to drive part way, we won’t have to worry about wasting gas to drive to Jane’s and Jolie gets to see the kids. Please keep your fingers crossed for us that this actually works.

Dirty Eyes
At my last eye appointment my eyes have made a dramatic change for the better in their recovery. In fact, I don’t need to lubricate my eyes every hour anymore. Just through out the day or as needed. I also have been given the OK to start wearing contacts again (at a slow introductory pace of course).

So those are actually three great new updates from the last entry I was able to post before the week became the “Weeks of Stupid.”

Thursday, July 30th
We drove the boys out to Jane’s. We had plans with some friends and I was busy looking for a dress to wear to my cousin’s wedding when my fiancé called me with some fantabulous news. (Fantabulous is dripping with sarcasm in this usage.)

Jane was working that day. When FH had last talked with Jane she told him that her work schedule was messed up and she was working, however she didn’t say “Don’t bring the kids by.” In face, she gave no indication whatsoever about NOT bringing the kids by, nor about trying to reschedule.

I was livid! Apparently, W*l M*rt changes the staffing manager every six months. Allegedly Jane had informed this new staffing manager that she needs a set schedule. Obviously this staffing manager doesn’t give a hoot. In giving benefit of the doubt I will pretend that Jane gave him/her the details that she has a schedule on when she sees her children and could we please put a little effort into keeping her schedule non-messy. From my experience serving my staffing managers were really good about making sure I didn’t work during the times I told them that I couldn’t work because I have class. I also know that they didn’t really give a hoot for the convenience of other servers when it came to other servers who just weren’t very good employees.

So in the meantime, Jane will be calling us every three weeks to inform us of her days off. And based on our calendar and Jolie’s calendar we will accommodate what we can. If I could I’d write a lovely letter of business and complaint to the staffing people over at W*l M*rt. But considering that could be viewed as interfering with her place of employment I shall refrain.

Monday, August 3rd
I don’t know what or how I did it. But I managed to pop my jaw out of alignment. And when I tried to slip it back in, it just didn’t want to do it. Talking, chewing and anything that required the slight movement of my jaw hurt. The next day I went to the hospital early in the morning. The hospital took my co-pay and then the doctor told me to go home, take some Advil and to call back in three days if the swelling hadn’t gone down.

I again was livid. At my mothers insistence I went to see her chiropractor later that evening. That wonderful man helped align my jaw and neck and gave me a sweet pamphlet on TMJ. Apparently, there’s a bit of TMJ that is causing my jaw to pop out (this wasn’t the first time it’s happened, but it was the first time that I couldn’t get it back in correctly). I went back to see him Thursday and he helped align again. It’s been helping a lot, but my jaw is still rather swollen and sore and I cannot partake in the simple pleasure of eating delicious solid foods (like steak) nor can I open my mouth too wide.

The Rest
On top of all this loveliness I had to take Nasty Cat to the vet on Tuesday for his sneezing issues. He came back with a tube of gel medicine for both him and Fat Cat. Apparently Nasty Cat has this sort of virus that can be passed back and forth between cats. Trying to squirty that gel into their mouths has been a joy. I was putting it on some wet food, but then Fat Cat decided the wet food was just too much and started puking it up on my carpet.

Also work blows. I’ve dealt with so many rude, angry pet owners in the last two weeks I’ve just been pushed to my limit. Had I not been able to have a girls' spa day in on Saturday I think I would have completely blown my lid.

I have more insightful things to share but I think I shall save that for another entry. But all in all, I would love a break from medical maladies. And, I cannot wait for summer vacation to be over at the end of this month. Absolutely cannot wait.

Big Changes Are On The Way

I’d like to start off with the fact that I loved my vacation. For those that haven’t caught on or just haven’t been reading my blog long enough, I’m a bit of an overachiever workaholic. I love work. I love projects. And I also apparently welcome the high stress of customer service. We had to make a "Crys is Out of the Office" plan after my incident with Nasty Cat’s bite. Being out for two days of work with no back up plan was disastrous, and trying to catch up from that was horrendous. The point is that there was a back up plan this time, and I was able to let any work cares float away. For once, while on vacation, I was able to forget about work and relax and have fun. And it was wonderful and joyous and blissful. (Well almost … I don’t know if anyone can actually totally say that and mean that when it comes to staying at your almost in-laws for a couple of days. But that’s another blog entry.)

And back to reality … we need to find a new place to live ASAP. I hate the city we live in. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned it before but the city that both my fiancé and I grew up and currently live in has held the record for highest homicides … I’m sure multiple times. I grew up in the ghetto where my father’s family house (and a few other kind Filipino families) had the neighborhood go to crap around them as drug dealers moved in. And I do not feel safe here. I was reluctant to move back, but in order to provide the boys with a stable environment I did. We live in a better part of town than that I grew up in, but I do not like it here.

I also do not like the fact that Older Boy has changed schools so much. However, I am all about transferring him to a better learning environment, a stronger learning environment and a safer neighborhood. We HOPE to only have at least two more moves in our future: one to our next place and one to the house that we hopefully will be able to afford at some point after the wedding.

So we’ve been furiously looking up safe and affordable places to live. School starts at the end of August though, and I’m really feeling the pressure to find a place for sure. I’m also getting highly anxious about the updates to the Parenting Plan that we’ll have to figure out and try to work out with Jane.

Last night I typed up the August plan and realized that the last week would have to include whatever changes we’ll be making. FH has already notified Jane that we’ll be moving. I’m going to be looking over the divorce paperwork to make sure that we’re not forgetting anything important that we ought to be doing. But I don’t think she’s really grasped the changes that are going to have to happen.

We’ve been catering to her this past year and have sort of had to pull nails out to get her to drive down here (the whole 20 or so minutes). We’ll be moving a bit further away and across the bridge in the Bay Area. And I’m telling you now, I’m willing to pay the $4 bridge toll once a week, but I’m not willing to drive all the way to her place every week. The options we’re presenting to her are to either meet halfway at Jolie’s every week or to rotate weeks. So she’d drive to our place one week and we’d drive to her place the next and so forth.

I’m also trying to save some money this month by having us rotate driving trips anyway. I’m just not all about driving to her place three times in a span of five to seven days. Either way you look at it, gas adds up. And it would be nice if Jane could share this with us to help cut down on gas. So in addition to the calendar I typed up three things that FH and Jane need to decide upon. Neither will give either of them a break over the other. I honestly sat down and made it fair. No one is really getting the short end of the stick here when it comes to driving. And the boys won’t be getting any less time to spend with her. In fact, if Jane agrees to meet halfway and makes the effort to get there on time (and stay the entire time) they should be gaining an hour to spend with her.

I really hope that she does agree to meet halfway at Jolie’s. My hopes are that if she has to leave her computer game to drive down to meet us, then she’ll be forced to be in an environment where she has to interact with the boys and not just put on a movie or the television and jump back on the computer. I do realize they are just hopes and at Jolie’s Jane still has the ability to not interact with them. I still just can’t grasp why she doesn’t want to try and spend time with them. I guess I have to remember that she never really did want to spend time doing fun and nurturing things with them even when she lived with them.

Anyway, to welcome myself back I have two things on my mind. One is finding a home fast and the other is to try and get Jane to realize that big changes are on the way and she can’t sit on her butt playing video games anymore.

Things I have Learned Since Summer Vacation Started

The boys' last day of school was Wednesday. I had plans for them, but I didn't think I really needed to start planning them until this week. I learned that I should have just been prepared from day one on Thursday. Here are things I have learned since summer vacation started last Thursday:

1. When I am tired and stressed my eye twitches. When I get super stressed my right cheek muscle twitches. (Learned Thursday – the first official day of the boys’ summer vacation.)

2. I’m going to have to just continue to do the thinking for Jane since she obviously has no will to do any thinking. (Learned Saturday – After my fiancé told me that Jane wanted to know if she could have each of the boys for one week during the summer.

Issues I have here are:
a) With swimming lessons and martial arts the older boys really can’t spend a whole week with her without missing a lesson and I’ll be damned to pay money for them to have extra-curricular activities if they’re not going to participate. And I know that she sure as hell isn’t going to put any effort in bringing each of them to said session time.
b) Is she really going to attempt to take three weeks off of work? Because the last time I checked she and her man were barely making it funding wise because they each missed so much work. Sorry, but Wal-Mart just doesn’t give you money if you don’t go to work. I work full time and I don’t even have three weeks vacation time that I can take off of work.
c) Again, was she really going to try to get three weeks off of work? And if she just wanted them there for the full week was she actually planning on not playing her online virtual games so that she could actually spend some quality time? I again will be damned if I allowed any of them to go to her house to sit and watch TV and play video games for a week straight.

I looked at our calendar and assigned three possible times that worked with the boys' summer activities so that she can let us know if she has a preference for which boy she’d like and when. My fiancé has left a message with these times as well as letting her know that she can have each boy Thursday thru Sunday. Considering two of those days are her days off she’ll only have to figure out what she’ll be doing about work for Saturday and Sunday. If she doesn’t take those off I can only assume that her man will be watching them. And if that is the case then I also assume more TV and video games. My fiancé said that Jane never was one to think things through … I guess lucky for her I have a fully functioning brain and I understand how to use it logically when it comes to planning things.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m pleased that she’s actually shown interest in wanting to spend time with the boys. What I’m absolutely confuddled about is the fact that she just didn’t put much thought into it after the initial though. She doesn’t seem to think about all the details involved after she has come up with a plan, and the details are actually kind of important to her life and the boys' lives. And I wish she would just take some time to communicate or discuss these things. She has yet to call back. I'm really tired of her just waiting until Thursday to get any input from her.

3. I love the hobby shop that I found. (Learned Monday – When the boys were able to amuse themselves for a huge chunk of time and I was able to work with some peace and keep my sanity.)
It sells affordable boxes of experiments, affordable workbooks for the older boys so they can practice their math skills and work on their handwriting over the summer, and they sell educational activities that are also affordable. Notice the keyword is “affordable.”

4. Making a summer schedule for all three boys actually works! (Learned today – It worked so well yesterday keeping the boys busy and is helping again today keeping chaos and boredom to a minimum.)
It does need to be taken into consideration and flowed with day by day (like if a worksheet takes longer to do than the allotted time) but it works. See my latest grand idea below:


5. I still love Clorox disinfectant wipes. (Learned today – I did a huge wipe down on all furniture that had little hands on it.)
They’re great for wiping down all and any surfaces that children may touch. Especially for wiping down after Younger Boy who is in the stage that he has to be asked “Did you was your hands….with soap?”

6. I’m apparently really paranoid about children and their germs. (Learned today – as I realized that I wiped down the bunk beds and drawer handles in the boys room.)
I insist on getting each child his own small little cup of Jamba Juice, I have my own water bottles that no one is allowed to share with, and look at number 5 again. I found myself wiping down things a little more often than normally. I wonder if it’s because they’re around the house more often in a day now that I’m more aware that there just might be more germs around.

Turning On Light Switches

So here I am … amazingly. I have a story about me and a story about Younger Boy. Let me start with the story about Younger Boy.

When we put the boys in time out we usually say something or mention what it is they’re not supposed to be doing. It’s usually a question.

“Are you supposed to be body slamming your brothers?” “Is it OK to hit your brother when you’re angry?” “Is it OK to try and shove Nasty Cat’s head through that little loop?”

The boy in question usually answers and goes to sit in time out for a couple of minutes. Usually pending on the severity of what Said Boy has done how old Said Boy is. After the time is up we call Said Boy over and ask him why he was put in time out. Now Older Boy and Middle Boy usually have a pretty good idea why they’ve been put in time out. Younger Boy has consistently played the “I don’t know” card. Now, I know that he’s three years old but he knows that hitting his brothers is not OK.

And really, I’ve been grasping as the end of some ropes here. My frustration with the “I Don’t Know” card is does he really not know? The kid is smart! He knows his colors, he knows numbers 1 through 6, and he knows how to wipe his own butt! I’ve tried to make sure to use simple words and direct words to make sure he understood. But hearing “I don’t know” again and again and again is maddening.

So I’m sure you could only imagine my surprise last Tuesday when he told me exactly what he had done wrong.

Me: And why were you in time out?
YB: Because I was playing with the closet.

Shocked, surprised, almost speechless…those are all fine words that could explain the look on my face that I had to hide behind authority.

Me: And is it OK to play in the closet?
YB: No.
Me: OK. Please don’t play in the closet anymore. You could get hurt. Go play.

He’s done it about three other times since. In fact, all other occurrences of him landing in time out have resulted in a clear answer of understanding what he did wrong as well as the acknowledgment that he did something wrong. I mentioned it to my fiancé who also recognized this new found amazement.

It was like a light switch was turned on and suddenly he was processing things. It was proof that he has been listening to us, right? Maybe? I hope that it continues.

And now, on to me and my story.

I would like a comfy bed, a strong drink and some time off. Let me start off with last weekend. You already know about the birthday party I went to for Allison’s daughters and how I got to show off my mothering skills to Jane’s mom and grandmother. Well, the night before the birthday party we went camping. It was just for one night. My cousins had sent up a family camping trip. It was a lot of fun but apparently one night was enough to do some damage myself. I woke up and put on my glasses and the vision in my right eye was smudged. I don’t mean it was just blurry I mean that it looked like there was a dirty fingerprint smudged on my contact … except that I had my glasses on. I must have cleaned them a couple of times before I realized it was my vision that was the problem. I figured that maybe my eyes were just tired and exhausted from the crazy weekend. So I slept half the day away trying to rest up. Except that by Tuesday the smudge was still there and my eyes were still feeling tight and tired.

I decided to make an appointment at the optometrist and luckily they were able to bring me in that day. My doctor couldn’t figure it out at first. He thought that all the stress from the weekend had done something to my retina. About five eyedrops later and as I was sure that I was going to be blinded from all the lights he was shining in my eyes he must have had his own light switch flipped on. I say this because he turned the bright light off and jumped up out of his chair as if he had just thought up how to create fire. He put something else in my eye and then switched the color of the light. A great “A ha!” came out.

Turns out I have dirty eyes. By dirty eyes I mean that between the smoke and bug sprays camping something got into my eye and dirtied up my corneas. In other words it’s like I’m looking through a dirty windshield. It’s pretty nasty and uncomfortable – much less inconvenient. I kind of need both of my eyes to do things, and since only one eye is sort of working it’s a pain in the butt to stare at anything since my vision is lop sided.

On top of that I’m now sick with some sinus flu like thing. I say sinus because my sinus feel like they’re about to explode. I want to drill holes in my cheek bones to release the pressure. And I say flu because I’m achy and I have a nasty cough and I feel nausea and just like yuck! I could do with a nice nap … maybe I’ll sneak one in later tonight.

But it is times like these that I’m thankful that my fiancé is capable of cooking dinner, doing laundry, handling the kids, feeding the cats and taking care of me. Because if he was one of those guys that just sat on the couch when I was sick and feeling like yuck … oh boy. That situation would not be a fun place to be.

In Need Of Finding A Balance

I think the one thing that still really hits me hard is when I come to realize that I just can’t live life the way I used to. By that I mean that I can’t plan a get-a-way weekend to Michigan, a last minute lunch with my friends or even host a party. If I do then everything has to be planned well in advance because free reliable baby-sitters (my parents or my fiancé’s sisters) need some notice.

But this last weekend was a whole new smack of reality that I didn’t totally grasp until I was knee deep in it. In the little orchard/farming town I grew up in (high school days at least) they have an annual Youth Day celebration. I’m talking parade and a park full of fun, games and food. It’s usually capped off by bar hopping (all four bars in the little town – three of them on the same street right in a row).

I kind of knew that I wasn’t going to get to participate in the evening activities this year, but what I hadn’t accounted for was that I wasn’t going to be able to just walk around and find my friends either. Youth Day is one of those days that people flock back for. I got to see about three people because we ran into them. But I realized that I couldn’t explore like I normally would have. It just isn’t too practical when you have four kids in tow (Older Boy’s friend was with us) to walk around a people-packed park and then stop and try to catch up with people you haven’t seen in years/months.

I did it once and it’s literally because I ran into a very good friend of mine that I haven’t seen in years, but we keep in touch through e-mail now and then. My mom and my fiancé were standing with the kids when I saw my friend John. I had to walk over, give him a hug and we started catching up. We both had families in tow and it was one of those cramming chats. You know, where you try to cram about 8 months into 10 minutes because you really want to stand and try to catch up but you’re getting either looks from (his wife and sister) or you’re feeling pangs of guilt (because you see that the kids just aren’t having too much fun standing there).

Don’t get me wrong, we had a lot of fun. Younger Boy was my buddy for the day and we had a ton of fun playing the booth games and running through an air-inflated book worm. (He really got a kick out of the fact that you exited out of the worm’s butt.) Then by the time that the kids were running around the park it kind of hit me that we had to leave soon and I just didn’t have time or really the opportunity to go find my friends and say “Hi! Come meet my fiancé and my boys!”

I think I was also rather upset because I knew we were leaving so that my fiancé could go do his weekly guy things with his friends. Sometimes I feel like I've molded myself entirely around my fiancé and the boys' lives and that I don't allow time for me to have fun or do the things that I want to do because of that. I think something to work on this year is to try to find a balance where I'm not just completely bending back over so much to accommodate what they want versus what I'd like.

Back to the reality check though, I was rather bummed to say the least. My mother tried to comfort me with "It will be better next year." And I just really hope that we've found that balance by then.

Older Boy Is Blossoming

I am ever so thankful that the boys are all younger than tween years. I’m able to still work with them on behavior and teach responsibility young enough for them to hopefully grasp it into their teenage years. However, I am even more thankful for Older Boy. He just turned 9 and is old enough to grasp things. I am sad that he’s had to experience the heartache and pain of having his parents divorce, but I am glad that he’s been able to see the positive changes and is starting to grasp the right from the wrong.

Older Boy is very motherly, however I’ve been working with him to be less “I’ll do it for you” and more “I’m going to help show you/teach you how to do it for yourself” with his younger brothers. (I’ve had to do the same lesson with my fiancé but I’m proud to say that he’s caught on to his lesson on that very well.) Backing up a bit, I’m very thankful for Older Boy.

Older Boy has helped me to potty train Younger Boy. And he’s helped to be the good example of how to do it with him for other things too. He’s helped to be an example of how to be a big boy and eat your food. He’s helped to be an example of how to buckle your seat belt. And he’s also been oh so helpful in being the example of how to do the right thing, and what to do when you see others doing the wrong thing (although we’re still in the process of that but slow and steady is better then not at all).

I think that this “Helping to teach” his younger brothers has been helping to boost his confidence in himself and helping him to feel more independent as well. My latest request for him was actually to help show Middle Boy how to do something.

Usually Older Boy will help me out by sitting with Middle Boy while he reads to help with words he gets stuck on. However, lately I decided that Middle Boy really needed a lesson on how to properly brush his teeth. And by properly brush his teeth I mean not to make a giant foaming mess that will end up on my shirt hem or pants when I go to put my contacts in/do my hair or make up. Older Boy was up to the challenge. Not only was he awesome and show Middle Boy how he brushes his teeth, but he also stayed to watch Middle Boy brush his teeth and even was very helpful in providing tips and reminders to Middle Boy like “spit in the middle of the sink” and “don’t allow the foam to just fall out of your mouth and onto the counter top.”

I was making lunches for them while they were doing this, but all I could think was, “Thank goodness for Older Boy!”

I’ve also been trying to connect with him as being the oldest child in the family. (My fiancé is the youngest in his.) I think he’s been pretty thankful that he has another older child to relate too. Whenever we have to do the “You’re the older brother and you have to set the example” sort of thing I always tell him one of my experiences that I had to learn about being the good example for my younger sister. It probably also helps that my mother tells him stories of the time I messed up and what I learned growing up as the older child.

It is absolutely amazing to me how much Older Boy has blossomed since I moved in. He started off being this really quiet and not very confident boy in his shell all the time. He’s a thinker that observes the situation at first, but he’s really started to come out of his shell and be more of a participant than just an observer. I think having people who encourage him, challenge him, and show him that there are so many opportunities out there and all you have to do is try has really helped him a lot.