Being a Stepmom is Stressful

I had really hoped that maybe with time being a stepmom would be easier. As in, after time with the boys I wouldn’t feel quite as frustrated at times. But there are still some days it takes all the control I have not to pull my hair out, pack up the cat and baby and walk out the door.

It’s not even that I don’t like the boys. I love them very much. But I think there is a great amount of pressure I feel when it comes to raising them. I hear so much from my mother-in-law or other relatives on either FH or Jane’s sides about how worried everyone was for the boys’ well being.

I can’t imagine that everyone is exaggerating but I just can’t grasp how bad it was. Could it really have been that drastically bad? I guess it could have. But I just can’t grasp it.

I know that the boys have all blossomed into amazing individuals under my care. I know that they can only continue to grow and blossom more. But I feel like I can’t mess it up … Like if they turn out anything like their mother or worse then somewhere along the way I messed up in raising them.

I hear from both FH and Jane’s side this worry and concern from the past and receive a lot of praise and thanks for what I’ve done and what I’m continuing to do. (It’s really quite weird to have people thank me so often for being a mom to the boys. It’s nature to me, and it feels like I’ve gone up and beyond my expected duties the way they all thank me.) And it feels almost like there is a weight on my shoulder that I have to make these children successful. It is very overwhelming at times.

I know I can only take each of them so far. I can only instill my love, my values, my example and that they’ll have to take all those and create themselves from there. In the back of my head though sometimes I feel a whip and hear a voice that says if I don't give it 180% instead of just try my best that maybe I'm giving it my all. (I think that it all comes down to the fact that I am my own worst enemy as in I'm the hardest on myself.)

I honestly sometimes feel stressed trying to just be a mom to them. Now that I have a biological child of my own I’ve been able to sort things out. I feel a stress to make sure that I’m raising my own child the way I want to and to be the best mom I know how. But it’s just a different stress from raising someone else’s kids, even though they’re my kids too now.

Does that make sense? I’ve decided that I’m putting some money away (about $14) and I’m going to the Jelly Belly Factory out here to treat myself to six delicious squares of gourmet fudge. So good! And that is how I’m going to be good to me and try my best to relax and not stress out as much.

A Pat On My Back

Younger Boy has been having some issues in his after school program as of late. He’s been experimenting with poor choice words he’s heard, getting angry when things don’t go his way and choosing to play by himself.

In other words, he’s been acting completely normal as not only a kindergartener but as the younger boy who has been getting the shaft from his biological mother and no longer the baby in either of his two families.

We had a discussion yesterday. Basically I explained to her the things we’ve been working on at home and some of the things I personally do when it comes to handling Younger Boy’s behaviors.

We’ve been working with him on trying to better understand some of these things. We had a family meeting about not using “Sad Choice” words and instead asking an adult if he’s unsure about a word. Younger Boy is very intelligent for his young age and he really grasps at vocabulary. With him I’ve found that it’s a lot easier to just calmly explain that “this” word is not OK to use and that it makes me sad to hear him say it. We even had the boys come up with the consequences for continuous use of Sad Choice words.

I’m still working on helping him to de-stress. Usually a change of his environment or giving him something physical to do helps a lot. Example, if Middle Boy (who has his own set of issues) is aggravating him I’ll often have Younger Boy come downstairs and play with playdoh or draw. I think of it as if I need a break sometimes then they certainly need a break sometimes from each other.

I also told her I was actually surprised that he was having issues playing with others. As it is Younger Boy who is always making friends and playing with others when we go out while the two older boys sit with each other isolated from everyone else. His teacher said “Perhaps he’s just tired of the kids here” which I honestly agreed could be a possibility. His friends in the after school program aren’t the kids he plays with during his kindergarten class.

Side Note: I’m looking up ways to help children learn how to play. My mom made a point to me that the three of them have either only had each other or themselves to play with and perhaps they just don’t know how to play with others. So if any of you have experience in teaching play I’d love to hear.

Back to the conversation – his teacher told me that she can relate. She too was only 2 years old when she had a stepmother come into her life. In fact, her exact words were:

“I can totally relate. I was only two when my stepmother came into my life and there were times that I just wanted to scream and kill her. But now that I’m older I’m really appreciative of how she raised me. And I just want to take a moment to say “Thank You” to you for doing what you’re doing.”

Now, the main point of this post is that it’s really weird to me when people thank me for doing what I’m doing … because what I’m doing is just being me. I’m being the best mom I know how, learning from my mistakes and hoping that even though I’m the authoritative parent that I’m making a positive difference in the kids’ lives and can help bring some sunshine back for them.

I’ve had quite a few people thank me for what I’m doing and I never really know how to respond. Usually I just say ‘Thank you, that means a lot.” Which don’t get me wrong, because it totally does mean a lot to hear. Who doesn’t like to have some validation of good to their actions? But having someone who was Younger Boy when she was a child say that to me … it really made me feel better about my role as a stepmom. And I wanted to share it with any of you that may be new or a veteran to instant parenthood. Perhaps it will help bring you a smile too. Keep on swimming. You’re doing good.

It Made my Day

The other day Younger Boy was sitting down and doing his homework. It’s an activity where the sentence starts with a vocabulary word of the week and the child fill it in and draws a photo to go along with it.

I was sitting on the couch nursing Baby JC when Younger Boy came out with his paper:

YB: How do you spell your name?

Me: C-R-Y-S-T-A-L

YB: That’s it! Because I heard the “l” and that means it’s the end of your name.

Me: Oh, OK.

He went up to take a nap afterward and I went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. I noticed his homework for the day was still lying out on the table. So of course I had to go take a peek.

This is what I saw:

A Ray of Sunshine Indeed

I wanted to share a little something about my life now as a stepmom who now has a child of her own.

Before I used to get really upset because I felt out of the loop when it came to my instant family. FH and the boys shared that parent-child bond that I could tell was missing in my own relationship with them. I also, and still do, feel that sometimes I just don’t belong or that something is off.

I’m aware I’m their mother, yet I’ll never be their mother. Or at least at this moment in their young lives they’re just not going to “get it” how life has dramatically changed for the better with me in their lives. I won’t lie. I’m often the parent of authority. I don’t forget that they’re children but I expect them to learn responsibility, respect and independence along the way.

Often, and usually with Middle Boy, I get the feeling that I’m loathed or that I’m a big pain in the ass. And I might just be a pain in the ass as I expect them to learn to do things like make their bed, be kind to each other and to make the right choice even when they really want to do the sad choice (like hit your brother).

Also, since I don’t have that parent-child bond with them it’s sometimes hard to connect. I guess what I’m saying is that unconditional love just isn’t there from them. They might have a love for me, but it’s not the same.

Now that I have Baby JC my life feels truly blessed. Not just because I know have this amazing opportunity and gift of giving birth and having a child that I created, but I know what it feels like to have that unconditional love back. In other words, I don’t feel completely alone. If anything, having her has sort of helped me and the boys to either relate to each other or feel a bit more validated as a family.

And even on those days that I feel completely left out due to their actions, I still have her to help make me feel better. I’m not saying that every stepmom should go out and have kids. Not everyone is ready to have kids. Some people just never are.

But for me, having her around has helped me to feel less stressed and anxious over having stepkids. She also helps me to emphasize with them more. I look at her and I am able to calm down if I am angry, think about the fact that they are my kids and treat them the same way that I would think I would treat her.

I hope that makes sense. It’s hard to describe the way her being in my life has helped me to be a better stepmom. She is definitely a ray of sunshine in my life though. I think I’m a better person because of her.

This is Baby JC at 4 months old. She will be 6 months next week.

To Mom

Younger Boy came home from school yesterday and pulled out the papers from his backpack. One of them was this gem.

I didn’t ask him about it. Usually when he brings home art he tells me that it’s for Grandma Jolie or his Aunt Raquel. He’s yet to bring something home he’s made for Jane. So when I saw the “To: Mom” I just really didn’t want to feel the shaft.

Later that evening I was in the kitchen getting dinner ready. I hear FH ask Younger Boy:

FH: Who is that for?

YB: Crys

I can’t even begin to describe the bolt of joy and happiness that went through my body. I felt loved and very special. And I kind of chuckled because Younger Boy used a “DUH” inflection in his voice. It always cracks me up when he answers with that inflection that “We obviously should have known” the answer already.

Now That I’m A Mother

Now that I am a mother I’ve had a new wave of frustration as an Instant Mother. It’s not that I resent the boys’ presence. It’s not that I no longer want to care for them or take care of them or nurture them. It is more that I have definitely found myself even more frustrated at times with the reality that their mother doesn’t take an active role in their lives.

I lightly touched on it in my last post. As a first time mom I’ve had people telling me to get a lot of rest, to relax and to sleep whenever possible so that I can recover as well as keep my sanity to balance off my new sleep schedule. I can maybe get an extra nap in once in the morning right after I drop the boys off at school and before I have to pick up Younger Boy OR in the afternoon right after I drop Younger Boy off at the after school program and before FH comes home from work.

As a mother myself now I get frustrated that Jane isn’t here to help take care of the boys more often. I’m frustrated that the only time she wants to see them, talk to them, be a part of their lives is if she has a day off from work. I think a part of it is that I’m here trying my best to be the best mom I can be to a newborn, and the best instant mom I can be to three kids that aren’t mine and it is draining me.

Don’t get me wrong here … as I said above I haven’t had a change of heart for the boys, but now that I’ve actually gone through the whole experience of labor and midnight/3am/6am feedings in the same night experience I just get kind of pissy that a woman who birthed three kids gets to have such a rule over my schedule once a week and on the holidays when I’m doing all the work and she’s not even trying to wish them a good night or anything.

To her credit she did offer to put the boys on her health insurance plan while FH transitions between jobs. Allegedly she doesn’t get charged anything extra to have children on her benefits plan. I’m hoping this means that their coverage will be decent still or perhaps that we won’t need to use it until FH is off of his probation period at his new job.

If she were perhaps more consistent with her visits and not consistently trying to get out of seeing them perhaps my anger wouldn’t be on the verge of blossoming. But with my lack of sleep lately I’ve been getting rather irritated in having to be up and going all the time when all I want to do is sit back with my daughter and relax and do nothing … or sleep.

In other views … Baby J.C. has a smile that melts my frustration and anger away. Luckily for me she’s been more smiley each day that comes.

Day 730 – I’m Still Here

Seven hundred thirty days ago I moved in with FH and the boys. I jumped into a world I had no idea about. And 730 days later I still sometimes question what the hell I was thinking. However, on Day 730 I came to a conclusion while reading another stepmommy blogger’s post.

It wasn’t necessarily that it was one of those posts that I could relate to because I had written it, but it was about a topic that gave me an “Aha” moment.

I know I’ve written about it before but Jane doesn’t pay child support. This is just the agreement that came from their divorce. Thus, from the moment I moved in my paycheck that used to support just me and Nasty Cat was now supporting three kids that weren’t mine, and me and Nasty Cat.

The only thing we’ve gotten Jane to help put money toward is out-of-pocket medical expenses because their papers say that they have to split those. Otherwise, all other expenses fall on us. I know I’ve mentioned that Jane doesn’t have that most fabulous paying job, but paying for a family of 5 isn’t cheap. It was one of the reasons I became a PartyLite consultant when I found out I was pregnant because if a family of 5 isn’t cheap then a family of 6 isn’t going to be any cheaper.

Back to the point, I get frustrated with Jane because she is absent, treats her kids like crap and is still loved and adored by them. But the light bulb that came on in my head is that I realized I’m really, really damn angry that I’m here paying for the kids while she doesn’t pay jack.

I can’t really be too angry with my husband for making the mistake of marrying her and what not. We all make mistakes and I’m sure he faces that reality every day. But I think a part of that bitterness that I’ve been unable to really tackle down is the fact that I’m paying for it, literally paying for it too. I don’t mind paying for my own mistakes but having to get stressed out due to lack of funds or not be able to pay for something for me or the baby because I’ve spent the rest of my money on the kids really frustrates me.

It frustrates me that I have a hard enough time saving up money as it is because it’s all going toward supporting my family. Which normally and realistically what happens anyway, but as a stepmom it's a bit different I guess.

I hope that makes sense. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boys and wouldn’t take back my choice for the world. But it is just very frustrating that I’m doing all this work and sometimes it feels like I'm not appreciated. As a stepparent I don’t have any legal rights. I don’t have that bond by nature with them. And I feel like I’m constantly being scrutinized and compared to Jane by them.

I guess I am happy that I was able to pin point this. Being full of anger and frustration and not knowing why is mind blowing. And now that I've figured it out I can start working on my attitude toward it and trying to find my way to balance out those frustrations.

But today is my two year mark at being an instant mom. I’ve come a long way, and I know that I alone have made a big difference in the boys’ and FH's lives. And for being able to be that difference I really am glad and proud. And I’m still here.

I Get The Good Stuff

Younger Boy started his pre-Kindergarten prep camp this week. It’s two weeks long but this is his first taste of a school-like setting and he gets to play and do stuff with kids his own age.

His teacher told me that he has been one of the happiest children there and always sings the loudest and is always just so excited and happy to do things. I told her that he’s been asking me for about a year and a half now when he gets to go to school so he’s just so happy to be able to have something of his own.

He’s so excited that on Tuesday when his school was cancelled for the day (a body was discovered in the park next door) that the poor child about cried. I felt horrible, even though I know it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t dump the body there, geesh.

Yesterday though it hit me … I may not be his “mommy” but I sure as heck get to enjoy the little things by being his “mom.” I was the one who got to see his face light up with excitement when I picked him up because he was just so excited to tell me about his day and about all the thins he did. I’m also the one who gets to hold his hand and be a part of this new chapter of his life where he starts school in the fall. And I’m the one who got to be a part of all this preparation for him to start school in the fall.

Sometimes I get hung up on the lack of child-mother bond with the boys. Or sometimes I get hung up on the fact that I’m not their birth mother. So I’m trying to really soak in all the good stuff that I do get to be a part of. And I try to give myself credit because a lot of this good stuff wouldn’t be happening without me being a part of their lives…mainly because a lot of it didn’t start happening until I became a part of their lives.

I also remind myself that she might always be their "mommy" but she has continuously made the choice not to be their "mom." And that I'm the one who has continuously, despite the nasty moments, made the choice to be the one that is here for them, to nurture them, to help guide them and love them and experience life with them. I get to be the difference in their lives. And isn't that what all people want? To make a difference in at least one person's life in a lifetime?

And I think that’s really something to be proud of and thankful for.

Baby Update: I’m at 29 weeks now, and so many people keep telling me that I look like I’m going to have this baby in August instead of in September. Which I promise I don’t mind the baby coming early I just would hope it would be a health 2-3 weeks early instead of a whole month early. I do know that I wish the little blossom would stop wedging her foot underneath my ribcage. She also really enjoys kicking me on the right side of my rib cage. I’ve been joking that she’s trying to get hers in now…it makes sense to me. Ha ha.

Aww – He Cares About Me!

Not that I doubt any of the boys care but I’m always so touched when they show it. I guess it’s a part of that “I hope they like me” thought I’ve always had since the first day I met them a little over two years ago.

I’m 26 weeks pregnant today and I’m just growing and growing. I can no longer pull off squeezing into over-sized jeans and my regular shirts. I’ve, for the most part, replaced all of my every day wear with maternity clothes. Except for my sleepwear because my pj pants can still stretch enough and sit under my stomach, and I’m in the market for some new tank sleep tops.

It was this past weekend and the five of us were finishing up a tasty breakfast. I had on pj pants and a tank top and my stomach was sticking far out. Younger Boy came up to me with a look of concern on his face. He scratched his head and asked:

YR: What is happening with your tummy?

Me: That is where the baby is growing.

YR: Oh. My baby is growing too.

Awww! I felt so special that he was concerned for me. His baby, of course, is the imaginary baby that is currently growing in his stomach. He has told me on numerous occasions that he is feeding his baby because he knows I have to feed my baby.

Since he’s still at home with me for the most part until his Pre-K camp starts he’s been very helpful. He helps feed Nasty Cat lunch and dinner, he helps me pick up things that I’ve dropped and just am not about to crawl under a table to retrieve, and just this afternoon he helped me tuck the tag of my shirt in.

Isn’t he just precious? You know, when he’s not busy bossing his brothers around.

Kind of Irked Me

I’m aware that when people say things to me they’re sometimes trying to be encouraging or positive. However, sometimes when people say things to me it really just irks me. I’ve learned to try and view it with a “Don’t take it personal” attitude. It’s not even that I’m all that sensitive, especially as I’m probably the one who generally is offending to others who are used to my blunt and honest disposition on things.

Ever since we found out that I was pregnant there have been little things said to me in terms of “Now you finally get to be a mother.”

Now, I’m aware that I’ve yet to experience childbirth or a baby of my own. I’m fully aware that there is something missing between myself and the boys since I am not their birth mother. However, since moving in I promise I have not totally been denied the experience of being a mother.

It’s mainly my mother-in-law and some other family members who have said such things. It always catches me off guard and I have to really bite my tongue with the response I want to sling out.

For example, a month or two ago my mother-in-law told me that I’ll finally get to celebrate my first real Mother’s Day. It really irked me. I’m aware she meant it as a mother who has given birth to a child of my own. However, I’ve celebrated a real Mother’s Day. I got the homemade card that was made at school and I swallowed the tears and joy that came with it. I’ve had the opportunity of being able to help see a child excel and grow both physically and intellectually. It’s amazing…that joy and pride you feel when you see a child growing and you know you had something to do with that.

It’s just become kind of obvious to me that now that I’m pregnant with a child that some people have this view that now I’m a real mother. Thank goodness for people like my own mother and sister who realize that I was already a mother before I got pregnant. Not that I need anyone else to validate my worth as a stepmother to the boys, but it’s nice to be recognized. It’s also nice to have family members that treat your new family as if they’ve always been there and not like a stranger still feeling their ways around the formalities.

As I mentioned, I’ve taken to the attitude to not take it personally and to just go with the flow. But I guess it’s just one of those things that stepmoms get to deal with.

It kind of goes with the frustration of wanting to scream out “You try diving in to an already made family, learning to spend all of your paycheck, time and effort on three kids that aren’t yours and you tell me how sane and appreciated you feel!” Maybe I can put that on a giant wine goblet for those rough days.

Baby Update: Going on 19 weeks on Wednesday. Everything in the ultrasound looked good. Good heart beat, all four heart chambers developed, all the good stuff. Now that we know it’s a girl we’re all really excited. My aunt had already started buying girl stuff before we found out so we informed her that she could be at ease that she was right.

Dousing the Anger - What I'm Thankful For

There are so many words I could use for the way I felt tonight after Jane’s latest actions of demanding the children for Christmas day with lies, manipulation and rubbish. A few of them could be anger, fury, wrath, disgust, resentment, etc. It was at the point where I was really getting angry with everyone. I was also angry with FH because it seemed that he was willing to just give in to her demand and temper tantrum. I was angry with myself for letting myself get so angry in the first place. I have never known anger to be this raw and bitter and powerful before in my life. I didn’t know it was possible to feel all of this.

I sat here wanting to write to you all and ask if you ever had this moment where you just looked up and asked “What the heck am I doing in this mess?” or decided “Dammit! I’m done with this!” Anger does that I’ve discovered. It makes you not want to continue addressing your wedding invites because at the moment the bile in your stomach is threatening to rise at the thought of getting trapped in this situation for good.

So I decided I needed to figure out a way to douse the anger. I was looking for any way to let it go and to try and calm down. Writing it out, meditating, watching my favorite TV shows, and breathing exercises…Nothing seemed to put out the raging fire that had sprung up inside. I ended up talking to my best friend Summer and writing an e-mail to Allison (because she sent me one asking what was going on.) I calmed down, but I still could feel a flame just waiting for fuel to ignite and flare again.

So I decided that since I had calmed down this much what I needed to do was stop thinking about all the things that I was angry about. I had to stop fueling the anger inside because it was only continuing to poison my heart. So I decided that I need to focus on the positive things. And as hard as it is to not think about the things that have angered me – I need to just not do it. So I’d like to list the things I’m thankful for. If I can think about what my rays of sunshine are I hope to “get over it” for now at least.

• I’m thankful for a supportive family and supportive friends.
• I’m thankful for wine, Crown Royal, vanilla vodka and Kahlua.
• I’m thankful for cheesecake.
• I’m thankful for a nice hot cup of coffee.
• I’m thankful for a job, as chaotic as it can be; it is a paying job with benefits.
• I’m thankful for managers who are always looking out for me at work and helping to challenge me and teach me skills to advance in my career.
• I’m thankful for the ability to know that I am angry and that I can either choose to stay angry or I can choose to do something else.
• I’m thankful for the ability to choose to do something else.
• I’m thankful for Nasty Cat. He smells like stinky cat. He bugs me trying to be my shadow. He puts his nasty paws on my face when he wants me to wake up. But he also knows when I just need a little furry kitty to snuggle up next to me.
• I'm thankful to have the ability to choose whether or not I want to be in this situation.
• I’m thankful to have stumbled upon this circle of other mothers, stepmothers, fathers, stepfathers.
• I’m thankful that I’m not alone in the chaos of instant parenthood.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to be a positive influence in the boys’ lives.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to see their eyes light up when they discover something new.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to see them learn new things, to discover things about themselves and find their independence.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to give them good night hugs every night, and to wish them sweet dreams.
• I’m thankful that no matter how the morning goes they still wave goodbye to me when I drop them off at school.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to feel this kind of love for these child, even though the children aren't biologically mine.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to choose to put their well being before my own wants and desires. It has by far been the most challenging thing but I’ve learned a lot about myself because I have done so.
• I’m thankful for FH – even if he sometimes drives me up the wall with his man ways.
• I’m thankful that our paths crossed again – even though it has drastically changed my life.
• I’m thankful that even though he may not always respond to me and my emotional outbursts the way I wish he would he is supportive and thankful and appreciative of me.
• I’m thankful to have a person that loves me unconditionally.
• I’m thankful to have found a person that I can honestly say that I love unconditionally.

The Need to Purge and Release

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and understanding. I think a lot of it was a ton of built up stress, and the fact pointed out that FH and I really need to try to get some time to ourselves to work on our relationship. If we don’t take care of us then there is a greater chance it just won’t work out. Right?

I very much needed to get the feelings out, and then sleep on it. I felt a bit better this morning, although I’m still stressed.

Another part of it is just stress from wedding planning. I never dreamed I’d be paying for my own wedding, at least I always figured I’d have some financial help. But in the current economy both our parents are strapped for cash as well. I also never counted on having to pay for three kids that weren’t mine. Considering FH and I are the only ones providing for them, that down right frustrates me when I’m no longer able to treat myself to my once a month splurge.

I finally allowed myself to order coffee from a coffee shop as my treat for the month because it had been about two months since I had done so.

Another stressor is that FH got a second job on the weekends, which leaves me and the boys home all weekend together. It’s not that I don’t like hanging out with just me and the boys, but it was a very long weekend without him there. Especially since on Saturday I wasn’t sure of when he’d be home and it was a very long waiting day. And then on Sunday the boys decided it would be the day to not listen, bother each other without mercy, and to totally act up to the point that I was pulling my hair out.

A big part of me wishes that I had been the one to pick up a second job just for the sanity of getting out of the house and conversing with others. But another part of me thinks a second job would not be mentally sound for me right now. I’ve always been the super do it all woman, but lately I’m just exhausted with all the current stress factors.

I also just don’t know who to turn to sometimes. It’s bad enough I’ve never had an easy time reaching out. But when it comes to feeling frustrated about the situation it’s not easy to talk to just anyone about it. I feel like if I don’t get it out then I’m going to bottle it up. And yet on the second hand I need to work on not getting so frustrated with it. Jane’s not going to change and this is most likely how life will continue to be.

BTW, thank you for the idea of swapping babysitting nights. I know I have other people out there who are always willing and have told me to let them know if we would like a night off. I think in the madness of wedding planning events the last two and half weeks and feeling pinched because we just don’t have any money to spare this week (it’s the week in the month where I pay all my big bills and FH doesn’t have any money left over either) I’m just feeling like I’ve dug myself into a big hole and I can’t figure out how to get out.

I find that even though I’ve been doing this for a year there are still a lot of things I’m having to adjust and adapt too when it comes to having children in your life. I assume this is something almost every parent feels as their child grows and becomes a different person. Throwing sass one day and hugs the next. I also assume that the fact that I’m raising someone else’s children with no previous experience of my own is another punch being thrown at me.

I’ve Felt Smothered

I have felt so smothered these past couple of weeks. I have been so incredibly busy, so incredibly broke, and so incredibly on edge. I have not had any real time to relax, unwind and recharge. I’ve had a couple of opportunities that just didn’t do the job. My future hubby and I haven’t really had a chance to spend time together either. It is so frustrating.

Can we backup to one of the main reasons why I feel so suffocated and smothered and stuck? Jane has canceled left and right for one reason or another. She canceled the first week of October because she was sick. She canceled the second week of October because she didn’t time manage accordingly. She saw the boys the third week and even doubled up the fourth week. And yet, FH and I weren't able to have a date night alone any of these days due to errands and things we had to do. Then she skipped the first week of November because she didn’t get her shit together and let us know her days off until it was at the point that our schedule was busy and planned. And she was fine with that since she had seen them twice the week before. And now, she's canceled tonight's visit.

Seriously!?! I need a date night alone with FH. I need a night alone. I need a night out with the girls or myself or my friends that doesn’t involve feeling stuck here during gaming night. I don’t know what I need. I need a break from all of it before I completely freak out. I need a break from being an instant mom for just a couple of hours. Who am I kidding, I need a spa day where I can focus on and take care of me. I need a day to be number one again because throwing myself into instant motherhood cold turkey has been insane.

*breathes*

I’m anxiously awaiting Friday. Friday I’m heading out to that small little middle of an orchard in the middle of no where town I grew up in to hang out with my best friend from high school. I keep trying to ground myself with the chant of “This is the choice you made” but it really doesn’t help all that much … Especially when lately it’s been followed by a silent “What the hell was I thinking?”

There have been moments when I’ve found myself thinking “There is a reason you were single and without kids” and then I remind myself “You’re engaged and have instant kids. Deal with it.” Some of you might know that feeling. I think that’s the only thing helping at this moment. Knowing that I’m not the first and I’m not the last that is going to have to deal with this.

I’m not alone. And as crappy as the situation is, and as much as I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone, it helps to know that I’m not alone. So thank you to all of you for choosing to be in the situation too.

The Not Horrid, The Good, The Amazing

First off, This is my 100 post.Woo Hoo! Go me!

And on to the rest of it ....

I feel like I have been apologizing so much for my lack of posting. Although I promise I have at least lurked. For those of you that are my friends on Facebook, you know that I’ve been moving. For those of you that aren’t my friends on Facebook, I’ve been moving.

Have I ever told you how much I dislike moving? I hate packing. I hate unpacking even more. In my 28 years of life I have now moved 20 times. And that is no exaggeration; I literally just sat down here and counted it out. And we’re not yet done.

We still have a bunch of junk left at the old place. We still need to unpack a bunch of junk at the new place. And there are all these little things in between that are just not fun.

Anyway, I’ll share three things with you here. There’s the Not Horrid, The Good, and The Amazing.

The Not Horrid - Jane Cancelled
Today was supposed to be the first of her days that Jane is supposed to drive and meet us halfway at Jolie’s. Well, she called in sick. Is she really sick? She had damn better be sick because I had plans to try my best to finish packing up and cleaning out the old apartment that we had to put on hold because we have the kids. But still, it is not the worst thing that could have happened. We got to have a tasty dinner of carne asadas, garlic fries and green beans instead of the Kent*ky Grilled Chicken we were planning on having. And we didn't have to disappoint the boys because they weren't aware that they were going to see her. It's still a pain in the butt, but not telling them when they're supposed to be seeing her has been so great for the times she's had to cancel. Is that going to kick us in the butt at some point, I have no idea. But we have the signed calendars for each visiting period, I make notes when she cancels and why, and we seriously do try our best to accomodate and plan around her sketchy schedule.

The Good - I can see!
I went to my last eye appointment and my vision is pretty good. Not quite cleared totally, but with the continued lubrication of my eyes daily it should get there sooner than later. So I don’t need to make another follow up appointment in two to three weeks. I’m seriously ecstatic. That’s $20 I don’t have to make sure is in my bank account.

The Amazing - A Spot for "Stepmother"
Older Boy and Middle Boy start school this upcoming Monday. That’s not the amazing part though. My fiancé brought home the paperwork to get them registered and on that paper work it asked:

Who does the child live with:

Name (Father/Stepfather/Guardian)

Name (Mother/Stepmother/Guardian)

Did I ever mention to you all the hassle we had to deal with in trying to get my name on the forms at the old school? How many times something happened at school and FH and I didn’t hear about it until the next day because the school called Jolie instead of me? The game of phone tag where the school called Jolie, Jolie called FH and then FH called me? Oh yeah, it was spectacular.

I’m so excited that I get to be included in this … much less of how directly I can be contacted now if something happens at school. Who am I kidding? I was so darn excited that there was a spot on that form for a Stepmother.

And just to end it here is a kid funny:

YB: I get to go to preschool!
OB: Middle Boy, what did you learn in preschool?
MB: I don’t know. Not to throw sand in the air at the other kid.

Awwww! Bless them for providing me with such entertainment. Holding in the giggles was rather painful with my sore muscles from moving, but oh it was oh so funny!

Trying To Understand The Middle Child & Updates

You may remember this post “Coming Clean With Myself” where I ranted a bit about how Middle Boy really really irritates me. And trust me when I tell you that I have been trying ever so hard to stick to my mantra of “It is the behavior that I dislike … It is not the child that I dislike.” But I still have a distinct feeling of frustration, irritation and wanting to bang my head against the wall when it comes to Middle Boy’s behavior.

What it comes down to is that I am the older child in my family. In my family there are only two of us. And point blank I am having the hardest time being empathetic for the life of a middle child. I’m trying. I’m trying so hard but it is so frustrating because I'm just not getting it. I like to think that I have the ability to step outside of the box and view issues. But when it comes to the repetition of some of the things he does I just don't understand.

Is there a book somewhere with a similar title to: “Learning to work with the Middle Child that Has Experienced Divorce – And Who Spends Most of His Day in La La Land?” Because if there is a book out there that focuses on that, I would love a copy.

From taking my Child Sociology and Psychology based classes I can see why he may do some of the things he does. The extreme gloating of things that he has received or just done, knowing that the others have not. The constant picking on and provoking Younger Boy (I think all children that have siblings under them do this.) However, I have no idea how being a child of divorce might have an effect on the Middle Child … much less what it’s like to be the Middle Child of Jane.

Some of the things that I’m doing are:

• Praising him when he does things and trying to help him figure out his own natural talents and abilities. He really has become a lot more independent than he first was when I moved in, and he is learning new things about himself and discovering things about him self as times goes on.
• Taking him out for special “Middle Boy” time when I get a chance. It’s no easy task when I have Younger Boy attached to my hip, and especially now that it’s summer vacation. But when there’s a chance my fiancé and I will bring only Middle Boy along with us (individually) to help him feel special.
• Providing him outlets and opportunities to discover things about himself, to express himself and to let him be creative in his own way.
  

And yet there are some things that I just don’t know how to approach. Patience and consistency are my only tools that I know on these.

When I say that Middle Boy lives in La La Land I mean that Middle Boy literally lives in La La Land. He literally always has his head up in the clouds. He’s that giddy, laughing, smiling boy who prances around with the butterflies, plays with the kittens and spends his time sipping lemonade and sliding down rainbows. It’s amazing how care-free he usually is and I’m ever so happy that he’s able to enjoy being a child. But it’s really frustrating when you’re trying to get stuff done and it’s like everything you ask him to do goes in one ear and out the other, even if you’ve asked him to do it two or three times.

Another thing is when it comes down to trying to talk to him or discipline him. He’s usually Chatty Cathy. However when Younger Boy starts crying or you try to ask him why his dirty clothes are on the closet floor he clams up. He sits there and you can tell that he’s thinking very hard about the answer, even if the question only requires a yes or no answer. He’s even been willing to go sit in time out because he refused to tell us what happened or because he lied to us about what really happened. (We won't even be angry or obviously angry on some of these occasions when we're simply just asking "Why is Younger Boy crying?" We'll ask Younger Boy and the answer just doesn't make sense so we'll ask for clarification from the older children in the room.)

And he’s our sassy talk back kid. You ask him to do something and he talks back or gives you some sass. However, his sass isn’t necessarily the sass of a rebellious teenager. His sass is generally more of a tone and inflection thing. The problem is sometimes it’s not a tone thing and he really is just being disrespectful to us or to his brothers. He also has the “I’m choosing not to listen to you” thing more than either of his brothers. Then it turns into a Middle Boy sitting there playing with toys while his brothers are sitting there trying to get the room clean. He’s just ever so often rude to whoever it is that is trying to ask him to do something. No matter how politely and nicely you try to ask him. I don’t think anyone ever likes to feel that someone is purposely disregarding them and not listening to them.

Maybe I just need to find a book on parenting and stop buying so many books on being/surviving being a step parent. I keep reminding myself I’ve only been doing this for a couple of months and it’s honestly going to just take time, experience and a mistake or two along the way to really feel and “get” an understanding of the parenting thing. It’s just frustrating because it feels like I’ve been living this lifestyle for forever now. It’s like I feel like I should have all the answers to this.

Anyway, that has been one of my main dilemmas lately. Living peacefully with Middle Boy and not stressing out and holding all my frustration and anger at his behaviors inside. Also in trying to figure out a positive and constructive way to handle and work with these behaviors.

Now that I have that out of my system, here are some updates for you. This past week has indeed not been a fun week for me.

First an update on my hand from the last post. The swelling in my hand has gone down finally. I’m actually able to type with my pinky (thankfully! Especially considering I’m on the Internet team and all my daily work is done online! I was even able to cut vegetables for dinner tonight.)

And I brought Nasty Cat to a vet to be in quarantine and to get his rabies update. I got blindsided by Animal Control on Wednesday when they came knocking on my door without a warning phone call that they needed to take my cat. I sent the boys to their room and tried to be calm and not angry with this. Since I didn’t have him up-to-date on his rabies shot my options were to send him to a rescue for 10 days or bring him to a vet for five days. Considering he is a rescue cat I chose that a five-day vet visit might be a bit less traumatic for him than a 10-day stay at a rescue. He should hopefully be home Monday.

For an eye update, the good news is that my eyes have cleared up a bit. I had to switch all of my drops over to preservative free drops and they have made a positive difference. However, I now have a tiny little plug in my right tear duct. The first day and part of the second day were really the only days that I could feel it in there. There was some discomfort – but more of an uncomfortable feeling than any pain. I can’t feel it now and wonder if it’s actually still in there. I get to go back the day after our upcoming vacation to see if it’s made a difference.

This was also the week where Middle Boy went to go spend his extended weekend at Jane’s. I’m waiting for Monday morning to roll around to see if there will be any changes in his behavior due to that. I’m hoping that if there are they’ll be minor. The only thing that’s happened since we picked him up was his gloating to his brothers about things that he got to do, and his plans of gloating to his cousin about new toys that his cousin doesn’t have. He did receive a talking to about that. I don’t have any real details of his stay except for a tidbit that he cried on Saturday when Jane went to work. And that’s all that we know.

I’m sorry this one is so long. Thank you for reading and for any words of wisdom you may have for me. I’m emotionally exhausted but the wheels in my brain have been cranking for days.

My First Official Mother's Day

We’ve unintentionally started a Mother’s Day tradition. As our story goes, I first met the boys last year on Mother’s Day. We had brunch together at a favorite local restaurant and then went to the park to play. Whether it’s coincidental or ironic that I met them on Mother’s Day who knows, but I find it special. This year was the same in going to brunch and then playing at a park afterward, except that we also included my Grandma in on the brunch this year. My mom would have been there too except she was super sick this last weekend.

Actually, I was rather nervous about Mother’s Day this year. As we do every month I drew up the Visitation Schedule for the month of May. Jane hadn't said anything about wanting them for Mother’s Day. And knowing her schedule I didn’t know if she was going to try to get Sunday off or not. So I drafted it with the usual Thursday night dinners and one overnight Friday. She didn’t say anything and she signed it as usual. I was kind of anxious and stressed the whole week before Mother’s Day weekend. By that Sunday I had told my mom to go ahead and finalize reservations for brunch. I waited anxiously for Jane to call with the demands for them.

She never called. I didn’t know if her guy was going to do anything for her for Mother’s Day so I went ahead and got her a card when I was getting Mother’s Day cards for everyone else. I even printed out a photo of the boys from our Family/Engagement photo shoot for her (mainly because I had printed one out for her mom Jolie and I didn’t want to risk any drama of ‘Where is my photo?” from her). I had the boys write a message to her and sign their names. For Younger Boy’s signature I had him paint on his 3-year-old sized handprint and neatly wrote his name underneath it. He enjoyed it because 1) he got to choose which colors for each card and 2) he got to finger paint at the same time.

I was kind of proud of myself for including both Jane and Jolie in my round of purchasing Mother’s Day cards. I considered trying to find a craft kit so the boys could make them something but I wasn’t too impressed with any of the kits Target had that day. I figured having the boys draw photos and writing them a note and printing out a newer photo of the three of them would suffice. That and I didn't want to spend any of my hard earned money on something for her that she wasn't going to appreciate. I don’t know if Jane really gave a darn or not. According to my fiancé she didn’t get anything last year. But I’m going to pretend that she was thrilled to get a card from the boys and thankful to have an up-to-date photo of them and a chance to spend time with them. (Even if she did spend the evening playing online games according to Older Boy, but that's a different rant.)

On to my first official Mother’s Day experience – I really enjoyed it. I felt really special. Middle Boy made me a card at school and Older Boy drew me a hand-made card. And I about cried when Middle Boy came running up with a big hug later on that evening and said “You’re the best Mom ever!”

I’m also very thankful that Mother’s Day went off without any drama from Jane. Although, as usual, I kind of wondered if she cared of not about the holiday, but I’m learning not to wonder so much about whether or not she cares. She either truly doesn’t care, or she cares a little but not really, or she does care and she’s stewing but she doesn’t care enough to do anything about it. I just try to stay three steps ahead for the boys’ sake. I figure that as long as they are happy and felt like they were able to celebrate both their moms then I can be happy. And with all the love they sent my way I felt like I’m doing a good job at this instant mom position. It washed over me in a relaxing and therapeutic balm, and I felt a little more confident (even if it was for the moment) that I’m going to be OK at this.

Even the cats were pretty nice to me on Mother’s Day. They let me sleep in a little later. They didn’t yell at me to feed them, like they usually do, and actually showed that they had some patience. All in all, we had a great and drama-free Mother’s Day.

Lesson Learned - Coming Clean With Myself

So there’s a sort of confession that has been on my lips lately. More of a frustration I guess. But man, Middle Boy’s has been irritating me so horridly. It’s horrible of me, isn’t it? I’ve been beating myself up for days now. The thought has disgusted me and all I can think of myself was “You’re such a horrible person for thinking that Crys!”

We’ll I’ve made a discovery today that has given me new perspective. (This is probably why I’m blogging about this today.) It has not only helped ease the pain of guilt and disgust, but it has helped me rethink the situation. And I’m hoping that by sharing this that it will be able to help ease another stepmom's mind that is in this situation. Because from reading other stepmom blogs I know that I’m not alone and that I cannot possible be the only one that has/is experiencing this.

To shed some light, Middle Boy has been oh so irritating. He bosses his brothers around, he’s been oh so rude, and as of the last two or so weeks his listening skills have been out the window. It’s like he sits there and listens, says “yeah, Whatever!” and then goes and does whatever it was he was just told not to do. It got to the point where he’s permanently been on my list for days. It’s gotten to the point where I just plain felt feelings of dislike toward him. It’s been a “where the hell is my stepmom shot glass/glass of wine” experience. And quite frankly I was so completely over it as of this week. As of this week I was pushed past my limit, I had no tolerance for it and I sure as hell wanted to create a holster belt for my wine glass and some mini wine bottles so that I could keep it on me at all times for a glass of “Oh lord please help ease my nerves” on demand.

And everything mentioned in the above explanation has caused me all those feelings in the very first paragraph. It’s like “How dare I think that!” “How dare I feel that?” It has been self-imposed ickyness beyond all belief. And today, I didn’t want to feel it anymore. There had to be something out there that could help me. And I found it.

I read the article “Parenting and step parenting: Is there a difference?” by Lylah M. Alphonse. What made the difference is this passage:

"On the one hand, I see where that particular tidbit of single-mom advice is coming from: Society, for the most part, tends to assume that no one who comes along later could possibly love a child the way the biological parent must, that a genetic link is required in order to be a "real" parent. (Adoptive parents have a whole other set of issues to contend with, but since the biological parent often is not in the picture, that makes parenting different -- "easier" or "more real" -- for some, or so I've been told/warned).

On the other hand, I think it's a case of semantics. Just because the love isn't the same doesn't mean the feelings and the level of commitment isn't as deep."

I’ve been secretly beating myself up for feeling these things because of Jane’s actions. I always find myself thinking “How could a mother cause this pain to her own children and continue to cause all this pain to her own children?” I know that I can’t possibly love them the same way that Jane and my fiancé love them. That specific maternal instinct and bond just isn't there. But I do love them. And my latest frustrations and thoughts on Middle Boy’s behaviors have been in conflict with my love for him as my stepchild. And with that I began to doubt myself. I practically put myself right up there on the shelf next to Jane as most disappointing and disgusting mother ever.

I couldn’t grasp how I could genuinely love and care for a child, and yet have this disgust and dislike for the same child. The conflict of love and dislike was so mind numbing. It’s all so confusing, this instant mom thing. And none of the books can ever prepare you for the emotional roller coaster you’re going to ride on.

Back on topic, I realized that I had been viewing it all wrong. You see the mantras that I had been trying to console and reason with myself was “He’s just a child. He needs love. Just have patience” and “He’ll outgrow this. He was never expected to be polite and to courteous of others before. This is testing and backlash from what has happened to him.” I’ll tell you what – I think my mantra is quite possibly correct … however it’s not the correct way to view it.

My new mantra has both soothed my soul and helped me step out of the box and rethink. My new mantra is “It is the behavior that I dislike … It is not the child that I dislike.”

That is the light bulb that just went on in my head. It is the calming and healing feeling that has consumed me, and I don’t feel like such a horrible disgusting person anymore. And now I think that I’m more ready to deal with Middle Boy when he acts out (or any of the boys) with this new perspective.

And the main lesson that I’ve learned form this experience is that in this new lifestyle I have to be honest with myself. Even if that honestly makes me feel icky and horrible I have to be honest with myself and look at it straight in the eye. Because if I am honest then I’ll be able to address the issue and better find a solution or a new way of approaching it. Because by not being honest with myself and my feelings I’m only hiding it under false excuses and avoiding what’s really going on. And that doesn’t help anyone.

The Photo Shoot

We took the boys down to the Sears Portrait Studio to get photos done (we didn’t want to pay for school photos, and it was going to be a family photo shoot until the boyfriend *accidentally* had to cut his hair rather short and I refused to take photos with him until his hair grew back.)

I never quite realized how difficult it would be to take photos of an 8 year old, a 5 year old and a 2 (3 next Monday) year old.

Now don’t get me wrong, I never had the false impression that children would be perfect little listeners with the ability to sit still.

At my old position I had the opportunity of planning and executing a cat/kitten photo shoot. I never want to take professional photos of cats again. And I also participated in a reptile photo shoot (where I got bit by the snake – twice! And then took photos with the snake and my sister). I definitely don’t want to take professional photos of snakes – ever.

From the experience with cats, I figured kids would be no big problem. Pffff … I think it was more stressful.

They just really didn’t want to listen. The Younger Boy I expected it from, but not from the older two – Silly me. Exaggerations in everything – one would have thought that we were trying to torture them. And the photographer … well, I wish she had been a little bit quicker with that clicker button.

I finally stepped in with Younger Boy, had him positioned, he was looking at the camera, and I did the whole “1, 2, 3 – Lift hands up and dash off as fast as you can” and she still didn’t click that button. Rawrrrr! I guess it’s rather frustrating for someone that has been the photographer.

Regardless, we did end up with some really nice photos of the boys.

But, OH! The Frustration! It didn’t help that the boys must have all gathered together at some point and made a plan to try and push me to my limit with every sort of test imaginable. It was an ambush, and I was pretty peeved that I hadn’t at least been given the proper Declaration of War.

It seems to be like that a lot this last week. I about ran from the house, hopped in my car, and got the hell out of here. But I didn’t because I know that this is just all a part of the transition.

Man I really dislike this transition. I guess I’m just curious what others do to get away, to find their piece of mind, to relax. What do you do when you feel like you’re going to lose your mind and fear that you just might be going crazy?

I’ll have to come back to this when I’ve had a chance to unwind my brain a bit.

And I Felt Relief

I’ve hardly had a moment to myself the last week or so. I really need to learn to find some time each day for me, because I think I’m going to lose my head sometimes.

I bought a book recently, and it is amazing. It’s A Career Girl’s Guide To Becoming A Stepmom: Expert Advice from Other Stepmoms on How to Juggle Your Job, Your Marriage, and Your New Stepkids by Jacquelyn B. Fletcher. I love this book. I’m only in the first chapter, but it has already helped a lot already.

It’s an interactive book, and asks you to get a notebook because they have a few questions in each chapter, and it asks you to be quite honest in doing the exercises. It even suggest that you discuss the things you discover with your husband/fiancé/boyfriend.

I cried tears of relief after just reading the intro. I’ve read another book on being a step mother … it wasn’t bad. But it didn’t really reach me. But this book … this book spoke to me. I’ve already marked it up and wrote in the margins.

I’m only partway through the first chapter (Cinderella’s Man Didn’t Have Any Kids; Why Does Mine?), but it took me about an hour and half to really get through the first 10 questions. (Which I answered during a bout of insomnia Monday night.) I wanted to post them here for you in case any of you wanted to try the exercise. The first section of Chapter One (The Fall of the Fantasy) was about confronting what your fantasy future was (Something I’ve already admitted having problems coping with), and trying to learn where you can compromise and what you need to let go of.

1. What did you imagine your married life would be like?
2. In what ways is your current situation like what you imagined?
3. In what ways is it different?
4. Is it OK for you to express sadness about the ways in which it is not what you expected? If not, why not? Write down the emotions this brings up for you. Write down all the negative feelings it dredges up even if you’d never admit them to anyone else.
5. When you think of the phrase “It’s not fair!” what comes to mind? Throw a tantrum on the page and get it out.
6. What is your definition of family? Write down “My family is…” ten times and see how many ways you answer that question.
7. What is your vision of yourself at 85 years old? Where are you? Who is with you?
8. What is your family supposed to do for you?
9. Describe what you want your new family to be like.
10. What’s your definition of home?
    

I must admit that Question 5 was most therapeutic. In fact, after I had answered Question 10 I had another one for Question 5. I think it helped the most because I was able to get out all that frustration and anger and bitterness, and make some organization out of the feelings and thoughts, instead of having them jumbled and shoved deep down inside where they all get mixed up together. I can start to heal that now that I've really stopped to take a look at what was causing all that anger in this current situation.

So now, I just have to work on finding time to sit down to finish the chapter out, because there are more question at the end of the chapter that I need to sit down and do (without kids awake) because man – getting all that out brings quite a few tears and causes quite a few meltdown moments of head down on table.

And Then I Cried

Day two was a lot more of an emotional struggle than I could have ever imagined. There should be a packet or something that you can sign up for that will tell you tips and hints to becoming a step mom – or perhaps just a booklet full of tips and hints from other step moms.

On the way home from school on Monday, Middle Boy said to me, “This isn’t my last house. When I get older I’m going to live with my mommy.”

I sat there a little stunned … what do you say to that? I tried, “We’ll you’ll have to talk to your daddy about that, but right now you’re living with your daddy and me.”

He responded with, “I think mommy will like me living with her.”

My heart ached. How do you tell a 5-year-old child that his mommy didn’t want him? That she didn’t care to have any sort of custody or responsibility for him. What the hell are you supposed to say to that?

I told the boyfriend later that night, I’m really not sure if he’s talked with him about it or not. But the look on his face seemed to be of the same pained, aching expression of “How do I tell him this?”

My heart continued to ache though. I pushed it down like I do with most uncomfortable emotions that I feel – that was, I learned later that night, the wrong thing to do. Day Two was most definitely an emotional roller coaster.

Not an overwhelming “I can’t do this” sort of thing. Not even really an “Am I crazy? What am I doing here?” sort of thing. It was most definitely an “I’m really scared …No one told me how unnatural and painful this could be” sort of thing.

I’ve handled change. I’ve handled change of all kinds, but, the change was generally my own. It wasn’t shared with three children and a boyfriend. It was like my sensory was turned to extra sensitive. I seemed to feel everything. I even felt for the cats yesterday.

And then I watched my favorite all time little guilty pleasure (One Tree Hill). And it was one of those heart-wrenching shows … the kind that you know is going to probably going to make you cry so you grab a box of Kleenex. And then you watch it, and you really cry. But once the show was over, the tears didn’t stop – they just kept falling. Once they start, it unleashes the floodgates of bottled up emotions. And oh wow, there was a lot built up in there.

The bath didn’t seem to help, and neither did the shower and neither did lying on my bed in the dark trying to calm myself down. And of course, when the boyfriend and the boys got home from his sisters house, I tried really hard to suck it all in. There was no fooling the boyfriend. And I felt them, the walls going up. Trying to push him away, literally trying to will him to move back and leave me. “Don’t do it!” I pleaded with myself. “But this is what I’ve always done!” I replied. “Well, not anymore!” I said back. “It’s time to change.”

That is the most annoying thing I’ve ever been told “It’s what I’ve always done.” I refuse to let this bring me down. I can make it through this, even if it’s always going to be like this. I will find a way to live this life, because I want it badly enough. I wish that I had a better clue of how to handle it, but I know that I’m not alone. I know that other women have done this before me, and I can and will do this too.

This has always been my philosophy and the way I’ve lived my life: "Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible."
-Claude Thomas Bissell