The Reality Check That Sucked

I have been having the hardest time writing this entry. I feel so very vulnerable, and I think that is a huge part of the problem. I think another part of the problem is I’m ashamed to write down some of the thoughts I had. Putting my thoughts down on paper has always made them more real. And I think I need to get them out. After all, it is after midnight and I do need to function tomorrow.

Last week was horrid! It was a combination of unbelievable stresses. All combined and I found myself past my breaking point. My patience was shot. Last week was my week of “I don’t know if I can do this” it was my week of “There is a reason why I don’t have children of my own yet” and it was a week of “You chose to be here so you had better figure it out soon because you’re sure as hell not getting a divorce once that ring goes on your finger” and it was most definitely a “I’m so over your damn divorce” kind of a week. [Whew, that wasn’t that bad.]

I blame myself for my fall. I dived into work and tried to accomplish far more than I was capable of. The problem really is that I wasn’t aware that I wasn’t capable of it. I’m Wonder Woman at work. There isn’t anything spectacular and amazing that I won’t take on and do magic with. I've participated in the launch of two websites, I've assisted in the launch of two others, I've made and directed webisodes, I've covered breaking news, and I've taken on multiple projects and completed them. I'm amazing at time maintenance and organizing my priorities. OK, maybe not as spectacular but I like projects. I like big projects. I like projects that take me down to the line. The adrenaline of completing a big project is so awesome!

And then last week happened...

I drove down to Orange County (about 7 to 8 hours) Sunday evening. Monday I woke up and did some work from my sister’s house, and then I drove in to the office to direct and participate in a video shoot (I filmed a public service announcement for an upcoming contest for the publications). I then sat down in front of the computer and edited that sucker. Around 3:30pm I finished up, got back in my car and drove back up to Nor Cal. I get back late to find out that Middle Boy stayed home from school that Monday because he was sick. Tuesday I wake up to find that he not only has a gnarly congested cough, but a gnarly ear infection (and I got to be the one that met their pediatrician for the first time without my fiancé, because he was running late trying to get there, which was nerve wrecking in itself when she mixed me up with Jane when she asked how my baby was doing). Wednesday I again had a combination of Middle Boy (who was feeling much better after taking his antibiotics and bouncing off the walls) and Younger Boy (who has started this phase where he had decided that he needs to ask permission for anything and everything from blowing his nose to going potty, and he’ll sit there asking and asking and asking until you acknowledge and give him permission). Not only that, but Thursday comes along and I’m recruited on to help launch one of the other upcoming websites. So I spend hour upon hour looking through pages, and pages, and pages of HTML … looking and deleting parts of codes and trying to figure out how it was even possible to mess up an HTML code so badly. By the time Friday came around I was ready to grab my keys, get in the car and drive. I don’t know where too, nor how far but I was ready to get the hell out.

Apparently, as much as I still feel like I’m Wonder Woman at work, I cannot pull off the double life any longer. I cannot function as a working-my-ass-into-the-ground career woman, and then double up as a working-myself-to-exhaustion-caring-for-sick-kids-doing-daily-household-things mother.

So there it is. I had a painfully exhausting (both physically and emotionally) excruciating reality check last week. My fiancé and I actually got to go out on two dates this three-day weekend. It just still didn’t help coming home to the same shit that was pushing me off the balcony in the first place.

It also didn’t help that Jane and her boyfriend have indeed both pissed me off. Her boyfriend has pissed me off by trying to say that the Parenting Plan arrangement Jane and my FH have made is no longer good because he’s changed the day he’s having his get-together day with his parents and he will not compromise, and I’m pissed with Jane for not standing up to that selfish idiot and saying “No, this is the plan and you’re going to have to figure something else out!” (Who ever would have thought that I would be willing to go to bat for Jane, and it’s not even that I’m batting for her but it's more I'm going to bat for the boys who I want to be able to spend some reoccuring and regular time with her. It also greatly irritates me when another’s Other is so selfish that he/she tries to make an ultimatum like that.) Maybe I’m still just in need of recovering from last week.

Back to the first paragraph…

I really felt ashamed, and horrible, and selfish that I even thought the whole ““I don’t know if I can do this. There is a reason why I don’t have children of my own yet” and “You chose to be here so you had better figure it out soon because you’re sure as hell not getting a divorce once that ring goes on your finger.”

All I kept thinking was “I thought I was prepared, I thought I could handle it, I thought I understood what I was getting into.” It meshed with “I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this, I’m so tired of doing this” and then melted into “I love my fiancé, I love the boys, I can’t not be with them” and that all trickled in with “I’m so sad that I still feel like an outsider, I’m so jealous that I don’t have that parent-child bond, I want that so badly.”

I really tried to prepare. I bought and read through books on step parenting. And I read all the words of wisdom and still, all of the homework I did before hand and pep-talks and “You can do it!” self-motivation didn’t prepare me for this.

This reality check shat on me like no other reality check has done before. And damn, have I been shat on before. And here I am, still pulling myself back up the muddy hillside because life just isn’t complete, or right, or whole without my fiancé and the boys in it.

It discourages me that the reality is that this is just a vicious cycle that can ambush me at any given moment again. The thing that has given me hope is the positive things I’ve had to remind myself of. Yes, I have to deal with Jane, I’m missing out on the parent-child bond, and I’ve missed out on all kinds of first things. But I’m the one that’s going to be here for all the other firsts that have come, and will come along. I was here when Younger Boy learned how to use the toilet and shunned the diaper away. I was here when Middle Boy read a book for the first time all by himself, and when he learned to tie his shoes. I was also here when Older Boy has needed to open up and talk about things, and when he found some confidence in himself and I get to watch him blossom out of his shell. I’m here for that, and that really is worth getting my butt knocked to the ground every now and then.

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." – Erica Jong