Fighting For Younger Boy

I was hoping now that Younger Boy is 5, and older, and in kindergarten that perhaps Jane would give him more credit and want to include him more. However, I got myself in a little tizzy, which I was able to calm down from but it still pisses me off.

Jane informed us that they’ll be going down to a wedding at Disneyland and wanted to invite one of the boys. I suggested that FH have Younger Boy go because 1)He’s the best at handling long car trips and 2)He’s young enough to really enjoy Disneyland still. Jane’s son is going to be 3 this year so I assume they’ll be going on the age appropriate rides in Fantasyland. Older Boy is (and has expressed from past trips) that is just far too old to go on those rides, and Middle Boy is on the brink of wanting to go on the older kid rides and that the Fantasyland rides are for babies.

Back to the story … Jane shot down the idea of Younger Boy going because “She already has to deal with her son she doesn't want to have to deal with Younger Boy too.”

I've been trying to fight for Younger Boy since the first time that she intentionally voiced a request that left him out. I know that at this point I’m more of his mother than she is, but in his eyes she is his “Mommy” and he gets excited about going to her house still.

However, I’m going to assume that perhaps this is one fight not worth going after. We’re most likely going to send Middle Boy down with her and then treat Older Boy and Younger Boy to a special weekend out at one of the theme parks out here so that no one is left out on the fun.

It still, however, makes me so frustrated that she’s seems to have this stigma against including Younger Boy in her life. Perhaps it’s because she didn't raise him and doesn’t feel that connection to him that she does to the older boys? Who knows how her mind works, because we all know it’s not hardwired that great in the first place. I just tend to find myself thinking that out of all three of them he gets the raw deal the most.

I tend to bring him along with me on a lot of outings. And before he started preschool he was the one who got to go on a few trips with me because it was easier to bring him along then to find someone who could watch him while the others were at school. I can really only do so much to help him out emotionally, but I hope that by the time he’s a teenager it will have made a positive impact on him.

It Feels Strange

I’m not quite sure how to word my current feelings so I guess I’ll just explain what I can.

A while ago FH had told me about an e-mail he had found from Jane to her guy (this was before the divorce was finalized and all that jazz. I almost want to say it right after she had said something about wanting to get divorced.) Anyway, in this e-mail she mentions that all she’s ever wanted in life was to have a little girl and to live out in the country.

As you may recall, Jane now has four boys, and I’m having the little girl.

Yesterday we picked the boys’ up from Jane. She had called Sunday afternoon to inform us she had Monday off. Not being ones to miss out on a night alone we suggested she take the boys that evening. Anyway, on the way into the house I noticed a small gift bag that looked very much like a gift for a baby. I looked at FH and he said that Jane had gotten it for the baby.

After the boys went to bed I opened it and looked through it. She had sent over some rather nice things. Baby onesies (not the cheap brands) in the colors I had indicated on my registries that I wanted, baby toys and some baby essentials like wash and powder. I looked at FH and found myself thinking aloud that I wished she put this type of effort into her own children.

To back up a bit, she recently sent Middle Boy home with some new packs of underwear. Take note that Middle Boy is a wiry, skinny little stick that is wearing size 6-7. The underwear was size 10-12 and size 14-16. Luckily Older Boy just fits into the 10-12, but we’ll have to see I guess if he’s going to be willing to wear dragon underwear when he’s able to fit into a 14-16. Note Older Boy is a wiry, skinny stick that needs slim jeans too. Also, all the clothes she’s ever bought the boys are two-three sizes too big. Older Boy came home in a shirt that fit him like a dress (well down to his knees.)

Anyway, in response FH made the comment that it would be kind of weird if Jane kept buying our baby things because it’s a girl.

Many of you may remember that I try very hard to put a positive spin on things to save myself the ickyness of suspicion and stress from Jane. So a part of me keeps reminding myself, “Oh, that was a very kind gesture on behalf of Jane.”

The other half though is kind of pissed that she did go to the trouble of doing such a nice thing for the baby when she does jack squat for her own kids. And the other half is horrified that maybe FH might not be too far off in wondering if she’s going to push her baby girl dreams onto our child since she doesn’t have one.

Then there is still that other little voice in the back of my mind that’s been nagging at me: “She’s going to be pregnant again anyway, especially once I have my baby and the boys do nothing but talk about their little sister.” Her youngest boy is going to be 2 years old this year. And if she keeps in tradition she’s due to get pregnant again sometime this year or next.

Anyway, I guess I’m still trying to feel it all out. It makes me somewhat uncomfortable though that there’s an underlying plan on her part. She’s not exactly a selfless and considerate mother/person. I think I’m more pissed off because I’ve seen what she provides for the boys and here she is spending decent money on our child.

Kind of Irked Me

I’m aware that when people say things to me they’re sometimes trying to be encouraging or positive. However, sometimes when people say things to me it really just irks me. I’ve learned to try and view it with a “Don’t take it personal” attitude. It’s not even that I’m all that sensitive, especially as I’m probably the one who generally is offending to others who are used to my blunt and honest disposition on things.

Ever since we found out that I was pregnant there have been little things said to me in terms of “Now you finally get to be a mother.”

Now, I’m aware that I’ve yet to experience childbirth or a baby of my own. I’m fully aware that there is something missing between myself and the boys since I am not their birth mother. However, since moving in I promise I have not totally been denied the experience of being a mother.

It’s mainly my mother-in-law and some other family members who have said such things. It always catches me off guard and I have to really bite my tongue with the response I want to sling out.

For example, a month or two ago my mother-in-law told me that I’ll finally get to celebrate my first real Mother’s Day. It really irked me. I’m aware she meant it as a mother who has given birth to a child of my own. However, I’ve celebrated a real Mother’s Day. I got the homemade card that was made at school and I swallowed the tears and joy that came with it. I’ve had the opportunity of being able to help see a child excel and grow both physically and intellectually. It’s amazing…that joy and pride you feel when you see a child growing and you know you had something to do with that.

It’s just become kind of obvious to me that now that I’m pregnant with a child that some people have this view that now I’m a real mother. Thank goodness for people like my own mother and sister who realize that I was already a mother before I got pregnant. Not that I need anyone else to validate my worth as a stepmother to the boys, but it’s nice to be recognized. It’s also nice to have family members that treat your new family as if they’ve always been there and not like a stranger still feeling their ways around the formalities.

As I mentioned, I’ve taken to the attitude to not take it personally and to just go with the flow. But I guess it’s just one of those things that stepmoms get to deal with.

It kind of goes with the frustration of wanting to scream out “You try diving in to an already made family, learning to spend all of your paycheck, time and effort on three kids that aren’t yours and you tell me how sane and appreciated you feel!” Maybe I can put that on a giant wine goblet for those rough days.

Baby Update: Going on 19 weeks on Wednesday. Everything in the ultrasound looked good. Good heart beat, all four heart chambers developed, all the good stuff. Now that we know it’s a girl we’re all really excited. My aunt had already started buying girl stuff before we found out so we informed her that she could be at ease that she was right.

So I Wrinkled My Nose

Remember the great lengths Jane went to with the lies and manipulation attempts to make sure the boys were with her for Christmas (all day) for her aunt who has leukemia but has currently been in remission for the past year?

Well, we asked her which days she would like the boys over their winter break. You know, since they’re not in school for two weeks. She didn’t want them any extra days outside of her once-a-week day with them.

So despite the fact that the boys are available for days of overnight visiting – they’re going to see her 7pm Sunday night until 8pm Monday night both weeks of their winter break … with the exception of Christmas Eve evening to the morning of that following Saturday.

I guess all day Christmas Day kind of evens it out. But I’m not going to lie. My irritation this time has some selfish fueling in wanting to have some quiet work days without three children doing the children things they do. Trust me when I say it’s much easier to do my job when there isn’t fighting and arguing and crying occurring. But, considering I survived summer vacation I guess I can make it through winter break especially since they’re both short work weeks.

When FH told me she didn’t want any extra days with them I could have gotten all angry and frustrated. But no, I merely wrinkled my nose in slight disgust. I touched upon how interesting it was that she was all hot heated because she wasn’t getting her 40% of the time and here she was not even trying to get them any of the extra days when there wasn’t someone else benefiting from the boys presence (her aunt for Christmas and her son for the birthday party) and dismissed it with a “Whatever. Her loss.”

That’s big progress on my end on keeping my anger and frustration under control ... in my opinion.

I hope you all have a fun and happy holiday season with your families!

Actions Cause Reactions

My Editorial Directior had a post it on her desk that said “Actions Cause Reactions.” It had become my mantra almost two years ago when I had first noticed it. It helped when it came to dealing with a lot of difficult people both in and out of the workplace. It has continued to be my mantra into my new life as an instant mother in a new family.

I’ve decided to look at “this” in a whole new light.

First off – I’ve concluded that I got so heated because Jane lied and tried to manipulate. There’s nothing I dislike more than a liar and a manipulator. Generally I cut those types of people out of my life because I have no room for those types of people. However, considering I signed myself up to participate in the packaged deal – She’s the fine writing at the bottom. Damn – Right?

So that brings me to this other saying I’ve learned throughout life to embrace over the years.

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”
– Maya Angelou

And I’ve come to realize that I can’t change Jane. But I can control how I see and perceive things. So my new perspective on this Christmas is that FH and I will be able to spend our first holiday together with each other.

I’m going to embrace the opportunity to spend a special day with the loving, wonderful man I have given my love and trust to. We will get to spend time with the boys later, and I’m OK with that. But in the mean time I will cherish and take advantage of the opportunity to sit back with FH and a cup of wine and enjoy some time together – Just the two of us (and the cat).

Dousing the Anger - What I'm Thankful For

There are so many words I could use for the way I felt tonight after Jane’s latest actions of demanding the children for Christmas day with lies, manipulation and rubbish. A few of them could be anger, fury, wrath, disgust, resentment, etc. It was at the point where I was really getting angry with everyone. I was also angry with FH because it seemed that he was willing to just give in to her demand and temper tantrum. I was angry with myself for letting myself get so angry in the first place. I have never known anger to be this raw and bitter and powerful before in my life. I didn’t know it was possible to feel all of this.

I sat here wanting to write to you all and ask if you ever had this moment where you just looked up and asked “What the heck am I doing in this mess?” or decided “Dammit! I’m done with this!” Anger does that I’ve discovered. It makes you not want to continue addressing your wedding invites because at the moment the bile in your stomach is threatening to rise at the thought of getting trapped in this situation for good.

So I decided I needed to figure out a way to douse the anger. I was looking for any way to let it go and to try and calm down. Writing it out, meditating, watching my favorite TV shows, and breathing exercises…Nothing seemed to put out the raging fire that had sprung up inside. I ended up talking to my best friend Summer and writing an e-mail to Allison (because she sent me one asking what was going on.) I calmed down, but I still could feel a flame just waiting for fuel to ignite and flare again.

So I decided that since I had calmed down this much what I needed to do was stop thinking about all the things that I was angry about. I had to stop fueling the anger inside because it was only continuing to poison my heart. So I decided that I need to focus on the positive things. And as hard as it is to not think about the things that have angered me – I need to just not do it. So I’d like to list the things I’m thankful for. If I can think about what my rays of sunshine are I hope to “get over it” for now at least.

• I’m thankful for a supportive family and supportive friends.
• I’m thankful for wine, Crown Royal, vanilla vodka and Kahlua.
• I’m thankful for cheesecake.
• I’m thankful for a nice hot cup of coffee.
• I’m thankful for a job, as chaotic as it can be; it is a paying job with benefits.
• I’m thankful for managers who are always looking out for me at work and helping to challenge me and teach me skills to advance in my career.
• I’m thankful for the ability to know that I am angry and that I can either choose to stay angry or I can choose to do something else.
• I’m thankful for the ability to choose to do something else.
• I’m thankful for Nasty Cat. He smells like stinky cat. He bugs me trying to be my shadow. He puts his nasty paws on my face when he wants me to wake up. But he also knows when I just need a little furry kitty to snuggle up next to me.
• I'm thankful to have the ability to choose whether or not I want to be in this situation.
• I’m thankful to have stumbled upon this circle of other mothers, stepmothers, fathers, stepfathers.
• I’m thankful that I’m not alone in the chaos of instant parenthood.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to be a positive influence in the boys’ lives.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to see their eyes light up when they discover something new.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to see them learn new things, to discover things about themselves and find their independence.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to give them good night hugs every night, and to wish them sweet dreams.
• I’m thankful that no matter how the morning goes they still wave goodbye to me when I drop them off at school.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to feel this kind of love for these child, even though the children aren't biologically mine.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to choose to put their well being before my own wants and desires. It has by far been the most challenging thing but I’ve learned a lot about myself because I have done so.
• I’m thankful for FH – even if he sometimes drives me up the wall with his man ways.
• I’m thankful that our paths crossed again – even though it has drastically changed my life.
• I’m thankful that even though he may not always respond to me and my emotional outbursts the way I wish he would he is supportive and thankful and appreciative of me.
• I’m thankful to have a person that loves me unconditionally.
• I’m thankful to have found a person that I can honestly say that I love unconditionally.

Should I Keep Track of Communication?

I think October was the month of stress, money-draining, busy frustrations. Obviously by my lack of updates I was not around much. I think October was the month of updates for my blog. And I have some stuff to post, but I’m going to wait until later this week to get them out. I have an agenda for this entry.

Actually it’s more of an opinion gathering from all of you.

As some of you know, and some of you are learning, I make the visiting schedules for Jane to see the boys. I do this because one wasn’t set in place when the divorce was going through court. I also do this because Jane doesn’t put much effort forth into seeing the boys, so unless we nag her to give us the dates she has off from work, hand her a calendar and say these days work for us do they work for you, and hope she doesn’t cancel … the boys don’t get to see her. I also plan out our weekly meals to help budget our groceries and not knowing which days I’m not going to have to cook dinner I usually end up with stuff for an extra meal. Which I guess isn’t a bad thing, but more annoying to spend money we could use for something else.

I’ve adopted the stance that just because she’s not responsible doesn't mean that I’m going to slack off too. Someone has to look out for the boys, and make sure that their feelings, well being and rights are being met. So this is my effort. I try to make sure that I’m not being her personal assistance, because I’ve gotten plenty angry about being it. So my attitude is that I’m the boys’ care taker, and that I make these efforts for the boys and not to do Jane a favor.

This week we don’t have any days planned for the boys to see Jane. She hasn’t told us any of her days off. And the week is already getting filled up with wedding planning stuff, and social engagements. Hopefully she’ll have Saturday or Sunday available. And even better hopefully she’ll give us a call and let us know which days she has off.

As some of you may also know, I have both her and FH sign and date each schedule I make. Then we give copies to Jane, Jolie (Jane’s mom), and keep the original in a binder. I make notes on scheduled days that she cancels on (in my binder), and whatever excuse she’s given us.

Given the current situation of her not getting back to us with her available dates happens often, what I’d like to know your opinion on is do you think it is necessary to start keeping a log on when we contact her, and when she gets back to us about her days off?

And if we should what should I keep track of? Here is what I'm considering so far:

Date of call
What happened (Message left/conversation subjet)

Is there anything more I should consider keeping track of when it comes to phone calls? Do I need to be more detailed?

I know that sounds super OCD but I don’t want to give her an opportunity to ever say that we prevented her from seeing the boys. I want all my ducks counted, in a row and a paper trail of anything and everything to prevent this.

And to the point, I don’t want her to ever try and say that we didn’t let her see the boys. Especially if it was because she didn’t call us, didn’t call us back, and/or totally slacked on finding out and relaying her days off to us.

So what do you think?

And thank you in advance. I really appreciate all thoughts and opinions you all leave for me. It helps me to see things from the outside – and to take others’ experience in the life of stepfamilies and such.

To end on a positive note, here is the cake that I created for Younger Boy’s 4th birthday party. This year he wanted a blue Blues Clues cake. However, I couldn’t find a bottle of blue food coloring (I need a tablespoon to make the color) so I had to make it green. I had no complaints for creating a green Blues Clues cake.

Happy 4th Birthday Younger Boy!!!

Struggling with the Negative Attitude

As you may remember for me 2009 is The Year of the Coffee Bean … a.k.a The Year of Being a Positive Influence. Along with that you may remember that I’ve really been struggling in connecting with and working with Middle Boy. Today was another one of those Bang Head on Wall days.

Older Boy and Middle Boy started school yesterday at their new elementary school. Older Boy is in fourth grade and has already made some friends. Middle Boy is in first grade and has told us that he has still not made any friends.

Now trust me when I say that I have been trying ever so hard to be helpful and positive. I’ve pointed out that it’s the second day of school and that sometime making really good friends just takes a couple of days. Both Older Boy and I have given suggestions to Middle Boy on how to go about talking to kids in his class – like asking if he can play; asking if the other kid would like to play; asking the kid simple things like what is your name, who is your favorite transformer … blah, blah, blah.

Middle Boy informed me this morning that he hasn’t tried to make friends with any of the kids in his class because all the kids in his class are ugly.

Can I tell you how hard it was to hold back that frustration and disappointment? Now don’t get me wrong. I clearly remember getting angry with a friend back in first grade and telling her “Well you can’t come to my birthday party!” Now that was the ultimate insult. Whether I planned on inviting her or not, being told that you’re not invited to someone’s birthday party is an absolute diss! But to hear that negativity come out of his mouth seriously made me feel rather saddened and disappointed inside.

I really wasn’t quite sure how to respond to it. I calmly told him that was not a very good reason to not try to be friends with someone. Then the following conversation occurred:

Me: How would you feel if someone said “I don’t want to be friends with Middle Boy because he’s ugly.”
MB: I would feel sad.
Me: How do you know that some of those kids don’t want to be your friends?
MB: I don’t know.

I’ve talked to my future hubby about trying to talk to Middle Boy about this.

I completely understand being the new kid at school. I’ve been there both as a kid and an adult. I understand being shy. But I seriously have a hard time understanding this sort of negative and hurtful view. And lately it seems that Middle Boy is all about not giving a darn about other people’s feelings. I also can't tell if he just doesn't want to put forth the effort to try and make friends or if he's perhaps throwing his negative "I'm better than thou" attitude at these kids. Because if someone said and did the sort of things that he's been doing lately, I wouldn't want to be his friend either.

The other statement he said to me today included:

Me: So did you get to meet your teacher today? (His first day of school he had a sub.)
MB: Yes.
Me: What was she like? Is she nice?
MB: She’s almost fat.
Me: Oh Middle Boy, I hope that you didn’t say that out loud to anyone …Especially in front of her.
MB: I didn’t.

I’m sure there is a parenting book out there on it. If it was clearly labeled “How to work with the Middle Child of Divorce who is in the ‘I don’t care about other people’s feelings’ stage” then I’d be all set. But I don’t think that any publisher out there would be willing to publish that title.

I’m a little at a loss. I want to think that this is a normal stage for kids to go through. I want to think that there is a really simple and easy solution for this. But at the moment I’m really stumped at how to approach it. I’m Ms. Positive Attitude here. I’ve been doing really, really well with being Ms. Positive Attitude. But Ms. Positive Attitude is getting a little frustrated with Mr. Negative and Rude. And at the same time I’m wondering what other factors could be contributing to this attitude. If it’s something along with Middle Child Syndrome; if it’s something with being a child of divorce; if it has anything to do with the type of attitude that Jane has been an example of. Maybe it’s a combination of all of the above, or maybe not. Maybe this is just something every parent has to deal with once in a while when the right personality is unwound in a child.

Sometimes I think being an instant mom blows. My fiancé has been a parent for about 9 years … I’ve been a parent (and with Jane’s help I’ve had to become a main staple parent) for almost 12 months. [That’s right. My one year anniversary as an instant mom is coming up on September 14th.]

Does anyone want to get a martini with me and unwind?

Lesson Learned - Coming Clean With Myself

So there’s a sort of confession that has been on my lips lately. More of a frustration I guess. But man, Middle Boy’s has been irritating me so horridly. It’s horrible of me, isn’t it? I’ve been beating myself up for days now. The thought has disgusted me and all I can think of myself was “You’re such a horrible person for thinking that Crys!”

We’ll I’ve made a discovery today that has given me new perspective. (This is probably why I’m blogging about this today.) It has not only helped ease the pain of guilt and disgust, but it has helped me rethink the situation. And I’m hoping that by sharing this that it will be able to help ease another stepmom's mind that is in this situation. Because from reading other stepmom blogs I know that I’m not alone and that I cannot possible be the only one that has/is experiencing this.

To shed some light, Middle Boy has been oh so irritating. He bosses his brothers around, he’s been oh so rude, and as of the last two or so weeks his listening skills have been out the window. It’s like he sits there and listens, says “yeah, Whatever!” and then goes and does whatever it was he was just told not to do. It got to the point where he’s permanently been on my list for days. It’s gotten to the point where I just plain felt feelings of dislike toward him. It’s been a “where the hell is my stepmom shot glass/glass of wine” experience. And quite frankly I was so completely over it as of this week. As of this week I was pushed past my limit, I had no tolerance for it and I sure as hell wanted to create a holster belt for my wine glass and some mini wine bottles so that I could keep it on me at all times for a glass of “Oh lord please help ease my nerves” on demand.

And everything mentioned in the above explanation has caused me all those feelings in the very first paragraph. It’s like “How dare I think that!” “How dare I feel that?” It has been self-imposed ickyness beyond all belief. And today, I didn’t want to feel it anymore. There had to be something out there that could help me. And I found it.

I read the article “Parenting and step parenting: Is there a difference?” by Lylah M. Alphonse. What made the difference is this passage:

"On the one hand, I see where that particular tidbit of single-mom advice is coming from: Society, for the most part, tends to assume that no one who comes along later could possibly love a child the way the biological parent must, that a genetic link is required in order to be a "real" parent. (Adoptive parents have a whole other set of issues to contend with, but since the biological parent often is not in the picture, that makes parenting different -- "easier" or "more real" -- for some, or so I've been told/warned).

On the other hand, I think it's a case of semantics. Just because the love isn't the same doesn't mean the feelings and the level of commitment isn't as deep."

I’ve been secretly beating myself up for feeling these things because of Jane’s actions. I always find myself thinking “How could a mother cause this pain to her own children and continue to cause all this pain to her own children?” I know that I can’t possibly love them the same way that Jane and my fiancé love them. That specific maternal instinct and bond just isn't there. But I do love them. And my latest frustrations and thoughts on Middle Boy’s behaviors have been in conflict with my love for him as my stepchild. And with that I began to doubt myself. I practically put myself right up there on the shelf next to Jane as most disappointing and disgusting mother ever.

I couldn’t grasp how I could genuinely love and care for a child, and yet have this disgust and dislike for the same child. The conflict of love and dislike was so mind numbing. It’s all so confusing, this instant mom thing. And none of the books can ever prepare you for the emotional roller coaster you’re going to ride on.

Back on topic, I realized that I had been viewing it all wrong. You see the mantras that I had been trying to console and reason with myself was “He’s just a child. He needs love. Just have patience” and “He’ll outgrow this. He was never expected to be polite and to courteous of others before. This is testing and backlash from what has happened to him.” I’ll tell you what – I think my mantra is quite possibly correct … however it’s not the correct way to view it.

My new mantra has both soothed my soul and helped me step out of the box and rethink. My new mantra is “It is the behavior that I dislike … It is not the child that I dislike.”

That is the light bulb that just went on in my head. It is the calming and healing feeling that has consumed me, and I don’t feel like such a horrible disgusting person anymore. And now I think that I’m more ready to deal with Middle Boy when he acts out (or any of the boys) with this new perspective.

And the main lesson that I’ve learned form this experience is that in this new lifestyle I have to be honest with myself. Even if that honestly makes me feel icky and horrible I have to be honest with myself and look at it straight in the eye. Because if I am honest then I’ll be able to address the issue and better find a solution or a new way of approaching it. Because by not being honest with myself and my feelings I’m only hiding it under false excuses and avoiding what’s really going on. And that doesn’t help anyone.

Believing In A Positive Attitude

Not to be a downer, but last night was not a good night. In fact, I haven’t slept well at all the past two nights. I’m really starting to feel the financial pain, and it rightly hurt more than I could bear last night. We’re paying for our family of five, our debts, our wedding, our rent, monthly bills and utilities and last week we got to pay for new brakes and rotors on one of the cars. Needless to say, for the next two to three weeks we have to get pretty creative if we’re going to spend money, and need to be really crafty and IN NEED of something if we’re going to spend it.

I already canceled a dinner date with a friend, am trying to figure out how to get groceries that we really need, and plan a business trip to Southern California. Yesterday I broke down quite a bit. I’d had it. It started with frustration and sadness. It made me sad that Jane puts no effort or desire toward wanting (displaying) that she wants any responsibility in the boys’ lives. That sadness turned into frustration. Frustration that she was allowed to not have to pay child support in the original papers (it’s stated as reserved and is rather ambiguous as to whether or not she would have to pay any ever). I spent the better part reading anything and everything I could get my hands on detailing their divorce, meditations, arbitration, child support, child rights and petitioning for child support after the fact. I thought that if maybe I understood some of it then maybe I could show my fiancé and we could do something. I cried a little.

Then last night it dawned on me. We were out of milk, out of fresh fruits, out of bread for sandwiches, out of frozen juice mixes, and really didn’t have a lot of money to just go out and pick these simple things up from the store. It hurt. It disappointed. It was a little after midnight and I didn’t want to wake my fiancé up with my angry tears and hurt. I hid them in a nice hot shower. I sobbed … and since I usually am unable to let go and sob it out I realized I was really at my wits end that I was able to cry so hard.

I let it all out. I’m angry at Jane for her choices. I’m disappointed in Jane and can’t grasp why she wouldn’t want to make a stink or any sort of stand in raising the boys. We get her opinion when we can (if she’s willing to offer it up), but seriously … I just don’t get why she isn’t putting forth effort, desire, want or need to be a part of the boys’ lives. She has a legal responsibility and she’s not fulfilling it! It made me angry as hell that I can’t just go out to the store right now and pick up all these things for the boys. I really didn’t even know where to go from there, nor what to do, nor what to ask my fiancé to do. Obviously he should talk to her about it, but something in my gut tells me that he has to be crafty, responsible and firm when he does.

I felt like I was whining and being pathetic. (That's being far too hard on myself there, I know.) I was angry at myself for allowing it to happen. How dare I allow us to end up this way! How dare I want to make the deposit on the hotel and photographer now instead of trying to wait for a more affordable moment! Then I realized that in planning the wedding, no matter how prepared and organized I think I may be, it wasn’t going to make a difference. There’s always going to be something that comes up. There’s always going to be groceries to buy (the boys go through at least a gallon of milk, a bunch of bananas and some fresh fruit every week to week and a half). If I couldn’t win the lottery tomorrow or make Jane be a more responsible parent and want to be a responsible parent then I was going to have to make some other change for myself.

And I woke up this morning exhausted. I’m still exhausted. But I’ve decided that I’m not going to let this situation or Jane's lack of responsibility ruin me. As disappointing as the current financial situation is, and as much as it hurts that we just have to ride it out, I’m not going to completely break or allow myself to be a victim of any of it.

Today I’ve been working on a new attitude. It’s not the strongest, or happiest, or cheerful attitude. It’s more of a “We will make it through this” and a “We will make this work” and a “We will be OK” attitude. It is a more positive attitude. I may have tears in my eyes, but I’ll keep this attitude in my heart. And I have to truly believe in it in order to make it work.

Here’s to believing in myself, my fiancé and my family. Here is to having a positive attitude no matter what bumps we’re currently hitting.

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.” ~Charles R. Swindoll