I’ve been feeling rather inadequate lately in my bonding with/creating relationships with the boys. And by that I mean that I feel that I’m bonding more with some of them than with others and that kind of rather bothers me.
I often have to remind myself that I’ve only been in this lifestyle for about a year now and that for what it’s worth we have all come a long way with our relationships with each other, as well as adjusting to our new life together.
Perhaps it’s that missing link … you know … that link – that feeling – that parental unspoken magnetic bond that parents are supposed to have with their children. I think it’s just that void, that hole, that missing feeling that I feel ought to be there but since I’m not their biological mother it’s just not there. And that trying my best and beyond my best is going to have to just be good enough. I just still feel rather lonely sometimes. Despite the fact that I’m surrounded by much love I still feel like I’m just not a part of it yet. It’s frustrating. I’m so much a part of this family, yet sometimes I still feel like the outsider.
My relationship with Younger Boy is probably the strongest one I have. And it makes sense I think. I spend all day with him. He’s the youngest and was 2 years old when I first entered his life. I’ve been there to teach him skills like potty training, putting his clothes on by himself, buckling up his seat belt by himself. I’ve also been there to hug him when Jane didn’t want him to come over, to help him develop his own independence and to show him that there is more to life then just watching TV or your brothers play video games.
With the other two I can’t quite say that I’ve spent the amount of hours with. I try to find things that we can share. I have grilled peanut butter sandwiches with Older boy and pizza tortillas with Middle Boy. I also try to find other activities or games or really just anything that I can do with them.
I took Older Boy to a science day at the library, and I introduced him to his beloved Goosebumps books. I went on a field trip to the zoo with Middle Boy and I was also able to attend one of his honor roll ceremonies (assemblies) at school.
Perhaps it’s also that Older Boy and Middle Boy remember what life was like B.C. ("Before Crys" as FH and I have lovingly dubbed it). And I know for a fact that life B.C. was a lot different than it is now. I can sometimes see the confusion on their faces when they remember things … Mostly in Older Boy though you can see the torn expressions. He sometimes asks me things like “How come I never did this before?” or “How come we never went *insert place* before?” I don’t want to bash life before me so my best answer is simply “Well, you’re doing it now, right?”
Older Boy is very thoughtful. He obviously doesn’t want to bash his biological mother, but he’s also pretty pleased with how things are going for the most part now. I wish there was some words of wisdom that I could tell him to ease any frustration.
I wish there was also words of wisdom out there that could help me feel better about my situation. I think that for now all I can really do is continue to work on my relationships with the boys individually as well as a family. It has been a challenge thus far, but oh so worth the frustration.
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8 comments:
Don't feel bad. It's natural for the older children to be less accepting of a new stepparent. I bonded more with my youngest girl because she was 3 when I came into her life. The older boy was 6 when we got married. He never let me into his circle of trusted adults. He's 17 now. I have and always will be daddy's wife, the stepmom who can't tell him what to do. Hang in there and keep trying. The summer has just begun!
i know you'll look back on this first year as one that changed you quite drastically.
you're creating memories. they're going to remember these things, the good times, the AC times as good. you're building a foundation, even if you're not as close as you'd like to be. you're getting there.
and that's awesome.
you are a wonderful and active mother. i can only imagine how tough it is being thrown into your situation, but you have embraced your role with grace. i'm sure i'll be running to you someday for pointers. (hopefully not for a few years tho lol)
I experienced the same thing - my six year old stepson (3 when I met him) is much more open to me than my 11 year old stepson (8 when I met him). I think it's a fact of life - older kids are more reserved and less open to a stepparent, particularly if the bio parent of the same gender is still part of their lives. Don't beat yourself up - enjoy what you get!
I think what frustrates me the most about this is that Jane doesn't put any effort into wanting to be a part of their lives. It makes me wonder if she would even be around if I wasn't with their dad.
Crys- I don't know because I haven't been in your position but I wonder if some of it also has to do with the fact that as children get older they are learning their independence anyway. It is possible that not only are they adjusting to a step parent but are also yearning to become independent. I suspect I will go through that with my own girls one day- and I am also certain that I won't have any better way to deal with it than you right now. I wish you the best!
I think you've done just fine. Patience. It just takes time for relationships to develop and strengthen. Keep doing what you are doing and you will see positive results.
Don't be so hard on yourself! You're doing an amazing job, and I know the boys love you very much.
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