I have felt so smothered these past couple of weeks. I have been so incredibly busy, so incredibly broke, and so incredibly on edge. I have not had any real time to relax, unwind and recharge. I’ve had a couple of opportunities that just didn’t do the job. My future hubby and I haven’t really had a chance to spend time together either. It is so frustrating.
Can we backup to one of the main reasons why I feel so suffocated and smothered and stuck? Jane has canceled left and right for one reason or another. She canceled the first week of October because she was sick. She canceled the second week of October because she didn’t time manage accordingly. She saw the boys the third week and even doubled up the fourth week. And yet, FH and I weren't able to have a date night alone any of these days due to errands and things we had to do. Then she skipped the first week of November because she didn’t get her shit together and let us know her days off until it was at the point that our schedule was busy and planned. And she was fine with that since she had seen them twice the week before. And now, she's canceled tonight's visit.
Seriously!?! I need a date night alone with FH. I need a night alone. I need a night out with the girls or myself or my friends that doesn’t involve feeling stuck here during gaming night. I don’t know what I need. I need a break from all of it before I completely freak out. I need a break from being an instant mom for just a couple of hours. Who am I kidding, I need a spa day where I can focus on and take care of me. I need a day to be number one again because throwing myself into instant motherhood cold turkey has been insane.
*breathes*
I’m anxiously awaiting Friday. Friday I’m heading out to that small little middle of an orchard in the middle of no where town I grew up in to hang out with my best friend from high school. I keep trying to ground myself with the chant of “This is the choice you made” but it really doesn’t help all that much … Especially when lately it’s been followed by a silent “What the hell was I thinking?”
There have been moments when I’ve found myself thinking “There is a reason you were single and without kids” and then I remind myself “You’re engaged and have instant kids. Deal with it.” Some of you might know that feeling. I think that’s the only thing helping at this moment. Knowing that I’m not the first and I’m not the last that is going to have to deal with this.
I’m not alone. And as crappy as the situation is, and as much as I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone, it helps to know that I’m not alone. So thank you to all of you for choosing to be in the situation too.
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3 comments:
One part of me wants to tell you to get out of this relationship while you still can. You're just dating and you're feeling smothered? Jane is starting a cycle that won't stop. You may never have a kid-free weekend again (without hiring a sitter).
But the other part of me knows how much you love FH. Sometimes it's easy to lose that connection in the midst of chaos. You have to nurture your relationship or it will crumble.
Make time for yourselves as a couple. Get away without kids, if only for a weekend, once or twice a year as needed. It's the only way to survive.
I know how you feel, for about 6 months, Princess would only keep the kid one or two nights a month. And we weren't married at that point.
I am glad to hear you are getting away with upir friend for at least a night, sometimes a girls night can work wonders! Maybe put the kids to bed early one night, threaten grounding if they bother you without good reason, order a pizza and open a bottle of wine? Are BF's parents around? Even if they didn't keep the kids over night, maybe they would watch them for a few hours? Your other option is to "trade" babysitting services. Watch someone else's kids for free one night, then they can watch your kids for free one night, since you are tight on cash, that might help.
Take a deep breath! Try not to let Jane throw a kink in everything.
I agree with Sharon. Jane will most likely do this for the rest of your life with underage kids. I would suggest finding a reliable sitter and making sure that you take time for both your relationship with FH and for you yourself.
You need it. You deserve it. And you might not survive without it. I didn't get a kid free day until my kids were old enough to be home alone. Speaking from experience, don't do that to yourself.
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