Letting The Anger Flow Out

I cannot change Jane. This I know as hard cold fact and truth. I wouldn’t dream of trying to change her. As much as I wish I could, I know that it would only be wasted time and effort. I am working on learning not to let her actions bother me, but I’m so rather upset right now that I just cannot sleep.

I just don’t understand, and I’m not going to try to. But just because I’m not going to try to make sense of her actions, just because I’m trying not to let her bother me doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt and make my heart absolutely ache.

Jane watched all three of the boys this weekend while the boyfriend and I went down to Southern California to clear out the rest of my storage unit. We had a little run in the with Orange County fires. Luckily, with my knowledge of the Los Angeles area and his ability to read maps we made it through another route and back to our hotel. Despite our brush with the fires this weekend really was so wonderful, with the exception of two instances.

The first instance happened on our drive down Saturday. It was evening and we were halfway down the long state of California when his phone rang. It was Jane. He put it on speakerphone. She asked where he was, and that alone told me that something was not right with the boys. The worst fears began to run through my mind. Turns out Middle Boy was throwing up – a lot.

It was more the disgusted tone of her voice when she realized that he wasn’t going to come and get him. The words that came out of her mouth about how the boyfriend just expects him to stay there with the other boys reflected something that left a bitter taste on my tongue. I can’t remember the exact words but it just brought anger. What the hell does she think we do when one of them throws up? And I’ve had two of them throwing up. Middle Boy has thrown up all night once. He was prepped college kid style with a garbage can to bring on his way to the bathroom in case he had to throw up and couldn’t wait. But we take care of it. We act like responsible parental figures and care for them. All of them no matter what's going on.

I kept my mouth shut. I closed my eyes. After he hung up a couple of frustrated phrases of disbelief came out, but then I shoved them back in and down to the pit of my soul. The problem was that I put up walls, and I hadn’t realized it. In the very act of trying to keep my temper down, to try and calm down, and not let her actions upset me – I pushed away the very person I loved with all my heart and shut out the rest of the world and drew inward.

I didn’t realize it until a bit later after we had stopped for gas and I had gotten a red bull. Something about that red bull allowed me to calm down. Perhaps it was the association with the taste … past college paper writing days and bar hopping adventures. Whatever it was, I let it all go. The boyfriend mentioned how I opened up and put my walls down. It was quite the transition apparently.

Back on topic, I couldn’t grasp why she couldn’t just be a responsible parent. It angered me that she actually expected the boyfriend to come and pick Middle Boy up after she knew we were heading down to Southern California. She's their mother. If she isn't willing to take care of the three kids she's already have, what the heck did she have another one for?

The second occurrence happened today. The boyfriend picked the boys up while I was grocery shopping. They met me in the check out line. We had a great dinner and then went and finished up our grocery shopping at another store. That’s when I noticed Younger Boy’s eczema was quite inflamed. He had patches all over his neck and arms, and his thumb was so red and cracked. The boyfriend actually pointed his thumb out, and when I took a closer look I felt my blood begin to boil again.

How could she not notice this? Seriously, his thumb was cracked, and red, and raw. He even said it hurt him. After they came home he was put in the bath (to wash off the marker all over his arms and legs) but I was more concerned in getting some lotion on him to help sooth the inflammation. I ended up having to put some stuff on his poor thumb. I felt so horrible because I had to sanitize and clean it, then put on some Neosporin and a band-aid. And I could tell that it hurt him a lot. I tried to comfort him a bit afterward to help sooth the pain. But I was just so angry. Who am I kidding, I’m still so angry.

Does she just not care? Was she seriously too busy to notice? Does she not know how sensitive his skin is? Didn’t she ever take the time to try and figure out how to deal with it? Is she really that self-centered and selfish? Is it possible to be that selfish that you can't see what's happening to your own child?

I figured out just how sensitive his skin was within the first month of moving in with them. I switched him around with different mild body and hair soaps until I found the perfect combination. The poor kid has sensitive skin and a dry scalp. I have to use a specific baby wash for his hair and a whole different one for his skin. And I always put lotion on him afterward because it seems to really help keep his skin from breaking out.

Now, I’ve been trying to calm myself in reminding myself that maybe the occurrence of his eczema is new. Maybe it started to really develop and bloom recently. And since they don’t live with her and she only sees them every other week or so … maybe she just hasn’t noticed it. But still … his sensitive skin will bloom red patches as soon as the wrong soap is applied. Maybe she's stressed from having a baby around. I'm sure no matter how many children a person has had, a baby crying and depending on you all the time can be stressful. But still! She's their mother!

I’m just so enraged…and so angry because I just don’t understand. And I know that I said that I wouldn’t even try to. And I’m still not going to. I guess just seeing him shudder from the pain of what could have been prevented made my temper just rise even more.

If you’ve read this far, I thank you for your patience and understanding. Thank you for letting me vent, because I really hate to have non-productive posts. But I think that this post will help me today. I think I can sleep now (I hope).