We’ll I’ve made a discovery today that has given me new perspective. (This is probably why I’m blogging about this today.) It has not only helped ease the pain of guilt and disgust, but it has helped me rethink the situation. And I’m hoping that by sharing this that it will be able to help ease another stepmom's mind that is in this situation. Because from reading other stepmom blogs I know that I’m not alone and that I cannot possible be the only one that has/is experiencing this.
To shed some light, Middle Boy has been oh so irritating. He bosses his brothers around, he’s been oh so rude, and as of the last two or so weeks his listening skills have been out the window. It’s like he sits there and listens, says “yeah, Whatever!” and then goes and does whatever it was he was just told not to do. It got to the point where he’s permanently been on my list for days. It’s gotten to the point where I just plain felt feelings of dislike toward him. It’s been a “where the hell is my stepmom shot glass/glass of wine” experience. And quite frankly I was so completely over it as of this week. As of this week I was pushed past my limit, I had no tolerance for it and I sure as hell wanted to create a holster belt for my wine glass and some mini wine bottles so that I could keep it on me at all times for a glass of “Oh lord please help ease my nerves” on demand.
And everything mentioned in the above explanation has caused me all those feelings in the very first paragraph. It’s like “How dare I think that!” “How dare I feel that?” It has been self-imposed ickyness beyond all belief. And today, I didn’t want to feel it anymore. There had to be something out there that could help me. And I found it.
I read the article “Parenting and step parenting: Is there a difference?” by Lylah M. Alphonse. What made the difference is this passage:
"On the one hand, I see where that particular tidbit of single-mom advice is coming from: Society, for the most part, tends to assume that no one who comes along later could possibly love a child the way the biological parent must, that a genetic link is required in order to be a "real" parent. (Adoptive parents have a whole other set of issues to contend with, but since the biological parent often is not in the picture, that makes parenting different -- "easier" or "more real" -- for some, or so I've been told/warned).
On the other hand, I think it's a case of semantics. Just because the love isn't the same doesn't mean the feelings and the level of commitment isn't as deep."
I’ve been secretly beating myself up for feeling these things because of Jane’s actions. I always find myself thinking “How could a mother cause this pain to her own children and continue to cause all this pain to her own children?” I know that I can’t possibly love them the same way that Jane and my fiancé love them. That specific maternal instinct and bond just isn't there. But I do love them. And my latest frustrations and thoughts on Middle Boy’s behaviors have been in conflict with my love for him as my stepchild. And with that I began to doubt myself. I practically put myself right up there on the shelf next to Jane as most disappointing and disgusting mother ever.
I couldn’t grasp how I could genuinely love and care for a child, and yet have this disgust and dislike for the same child. The conflict of love and dislike was so mind numbing. It’s all so confusing, this instant mom thing. And none of the books can ever prepare you for the emotional roller coaster you’re going to ride on.
Back on topic, I realized that I had been viewing it all wrong. You see the mantras that I had been trying to console and reason with myself was “He’s just a child. He needs love. Just have patience” and “He’ll outgrow this. He was never expected to be polite and to courteous of others before. This is testing and backlash from what has happened to him.” I’ll tell you what – I think my mantra is quite possibly correct … however it’s not the correct way to view it.
My new mantra has both soothed my soul and helped me step out of the box and rethink. My new mantra is “It is the behavior that I dislike … It is not the child that I dislike.”
That is the light bulb that just went on in my head. It is the calming and healing feeling that has consumed me, and I don’t feel like such a horrible disgusting person anymore. And now I think that I’m more ready to deal with Middle Boy when he acts out (or any of the boys) with this new perspective.
And the main lesson that I’ve learned form this experience is that in this new lifestyle I have to be honest with myself. Even if that honestly makes me feel icky and horrible I have to be honest with myself and look at it straight in the eye. Because if I am honest then I’ll be able to address the issue and better find a solution or a new way of approaching it. Because by not being honest with myself and my feelings I’m only hiding it under false excuses and avoiding what’s really going on. And that doesn’t help anyone.
6 comments:
Wow, what a great, long, thoughtful exposition. I loved it.
I have no experience as a stepparent. As a parent, there are days when I absolutely can't stand my child. And I don't consider myself a disturbed person or unloving parent. Given that, I think most parents, step parents, etc, must feel the same way. So don't beat yourself up about it.
How old is Middle Boy again? Is he in that tween stage? Because, God, I could do a lifetime without parenting that again.
Heather, Oh no! Don't say that about the tween age! He he. Middle Boy just turned 6 a couple of months ago. Older Boy is 9 now, so I have at least a minimum of three boys to go through the tween age and beyond.
This was an honest, thought provoking post. It is always best to acknowledge our true feelings rather than burying them. I think your approach here is very healthy. And believe me, you are not alone in how you feel. I believe all step moms have felt that way at times. Your love for the boys will win out in the end.
If it makes anyone feel better my 17 year old (holy crap how did he get 17?) is just starting to pull his head out of his ass.
We had a conversation last night that ended with, "You're smart!" which is different because usually I know nothing.
It's like any other relationship to me...there are parts you will like and parts you will not, but you still love that person.
I've wondered how a mother can hurt her children as well, and it makes the tightly-held attitude that no one can love them like dear old mom very difficult to swallow. Sometimes, though no one wants to face this, someone can probably love them better.
Girl,, we've all been there--I know I have plenty of times! I love your candor!
Post a Comment