And I Felt Relief

I’ve hardly had a moment to myself the last week or so. I really need to learn to find some time each day for me, because I think I’m going to lose my head sometimes.

I bought a book recently, and it is amazing. It’s A Career Girl’s Guide To Becoming A Stepmom: Expert Advice from Other Stepmoms on How to Juggle Your Job, Your Marriage, and Your New Stepkids by Jacquelyn B. Fletcher. I love this book. I’m only in the first chapter, but it has already helped a lot already.

It’s an interactive book, and asks you to get a notebook because they have a few questions in each chapter, and it asks you to be quite honest in doing the exercises. It even suggest that you discuss the things you discover with your husband/fiancé/boyfriend.

I cried tears of relief after just reading the intro. I’ve read another book on being a step mother … it wasn’t bad. But it didn’t really reach me. But this book … this book spoke to me. I’ve already marked it up and wrote in the margins.

I’m only partway through the first chapter (Cinderella’s Man Didn’t Have Any Kids; Why Does Mine?), but it took me about an hour and half to really get through the first 10 questions. (Which I answered during a bout of insomnia Monday night.) I wanted to post them here for you in case any of you wanted to try the exercise. The first section of Chapter One (The Fall of the Fantasy) was about confronting what your fantasy future was (Something I’ve already admitted having problems coping with), and trying to learn where you can compromise and what you need to let go of.

1. What did you imagine your married life would be like?
2. In what ways is your current situation like what you imagined?
3. In what ways is it different?
4. Is it OK for you to express sadness about the ways in which it is not what you expected? If not, why not? Write down the emotions this brings up for you. Write down all the negative feelings it dredges up even if you’d never admit them to anyone else.
5. When you think of the phrase “It’s not fair!” what comes to mind? Throw a tantrum on the page and get it out.
6. What is your definition of family? Write down “My family is…” ten times and see how many ways you answer that question.
7. What is your vision of yourself at 85 years old? Where are you? Who is with you?
8. What is your family supposed to do for you?
9. Describe what you want your new family to be like.
10. What’s your definition of home?
    

I must admit that Question 5 was most therapeutic. In fact, after I had answered Question 10 I had another one for Question 5. I think it helped the most because I was able to get out all that frustration and anger and bitterness, and make some organization out of the feelings and thoughts, instead of having them jumbled and shoved deep down inside where they all get mixed up together. I can start to heal that now that I've really stopped to take a look at what was causing all that anger in this current situation.

So now, I just have to work on finding time to sit down to finish the chapter out, because there are more question at the end of the chapter that I need to sit down and do (without kids awake) because man – getting all that out brings quite a few tears and causes quite a few meltdown moments of head down on table.