Monday, September 22, 2008

Balancing My Emotions

This last weekend was rather rough for a couple of us in the household. At least there were a couple of meltdowns.

There was a collision of emotions for me this Sunday for sure – anger, frustration and a whole lot of stress. It’s all a perception and a mind frame, and I do know this. It just doesn’t help when things happen to feed the fire.

Middle Boy woke up in the middle of the night crying, and saying that he wanted to come home. “I want to come home” he wailed. Flailing his limbs out at both me and the boyfriend and wandering around aimlessly, obviously lost and confused. He does this every time, at least as long as I’ve known him, he spends the night at his mother’s house. Which as I’ve said, isn’t very often; which is also why I can honestly say that every time he’s spent the night at his mother’s house, the next night he wakes up crying and lost.

It breaks my heart and I’m rather lost on what to do. Is “Home” with us because he’s not used to sleeping somewhere else? Is “Home” with her because that’s where she is even though she hasn’t lived with them for well over a year? What do I do to help him, console him, comfort him? It's hard to help someone that you don't understand, so patience, unconditional love and hugs is all I can offer.

Instinct tells me not to let him spend the night over there until he can mature a bit, or at least understand the situation a bit. “She can spend the day with them, but he can’t spend the night. Hold the woman accountable for her choices. It’s not fair to him that she gets to decide when she sees them and we bow down to it!” I scream inside.

I’ve always been rather hard core about holding people accountable for their actions – especially myself. But that line here is rather gray. (I guess it goes back to my post about smudged lines.) Is it really horrible of me to want to hold her accountable for her actions? For her choices? I guess it’s just something that I’ve learned while growing up. Holding myself accountable and doing the right thing, and making sure that I’m being responsible and not focusing in on the wrong things. And also, making sure I hold other people accountable. I can't push all the blame on myself if I accept that other people need to hold themselves accountable also. If they fail in doing so then I shouldn't beat myself up. Because before I learned this lesson, I would have.

Back on topic, it drives me up the wall that this is happening. She’s their mother, she always will be. That can’t be changed. But it just doesn’t seem fair to the kids. They love their mother, but their mother’s actions just don’t add up. She chose not to have any sort of custody of them. So does that mean that if the kids are having a rough time with situations that we try to work things out so that it’s best for them and not to please her?

It’s all so confusing. What’s right? What’s wrong? What’s fair to everyone, but what’s best for the boys. Am I being responsible? Am I being too responsible? Am I being unreasonable or too Capricornish? Maybe a little bit of "all of the above?" Or maybe I'm being a bit too hard on myself (as usual).

Back to the topic (for reals this time) …this last waking up in the middle of the event left me exhausted. The anger welled up and then ... fizzled. I woke up this morning, and the wanting to hold people responsible and accountable is still there, but the anger inside was gone. I’ve decided that the wonderful little things are just far too good to pass up enjoying. The anger, I know that will always be there, but I will try my best not to lie in it. My last post talked of needing to find a way of dealing. I think it’s more that I need to find a way of balancing the emotions. The wonderful happy ones should far outweigh the negative ones, even if at times it seems that there are more negative ones. Wonderful Happy Moments by far bring warm fuzzies to my soul, and I much prefer to feel those than a sour upset stomach.

Wonderful Happy Moments of Today:
*Older Boy asking “When are you and daddy getting married?” (this just made me laugh…because he has asked this before.)
*While helping me put clothes in the washing machine Middle Boy tells me “Crys, when I get to school today I’m telling my teacher that I helped my mommy put clothes in the wash.” (Me = mommy. Although this is awfully confusing because they call their mother “Mommy” also. I guess you have to know the context to understand who they are talking about.)
*Middle Boy running up excited and giving me a big hug after school today.
*Middle Boy (picky eater) asking for seconds on his pizza tortilla (a creation from my childhood.)

And the day is still pretty new, so there are more moments to come.

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