Building A New Family To Call Our Own

When it comes to the boys, I realize that I'll never replace their birth mother (She Who Must Not Be Named). And I had told the boyfriend that I didn't want to replace her in their lives - stepping into the hole that she had created when she chose to leave ... that I really hoped that we would be able to start something new. I wanted to be a major positive in their lives. The one that made the difference. That was something that is important to me. I mean, if I changed my Plan, shouldn't I get something to sort of go my way? Shouldn't I get something that I can work toward and achieve? It's a bit arrogant and selfish I realize...wanting something new and wanting to be someone spectacular and special. But the view from my shoes ... it's attainable.

And although I know on some level I am filling some void that all four of them had felt, I think I've accomplished my hope of still creating a new positive experience and building a new family with them that we can call our own.

Today was the first day of school for older boy (who is 8) and middle boy (who is 5). Younger boy (who is 2 and will be 3 in October) gets to stay with his Maternal Grandmother for the time being...unless I get a job and then he'll continue to stay there in the mornings.

But anyway...the point of this, why I think I'm on my way to accomplishing my goal, is that I got a phone call from the boyfriend around 6pm tonight.

BF: "I have some news that might make you happy."
Me: "Oh yeah, what's that?"
BF: "Middle boy called you his step-mom today."
Me: "Really?!?"

I think that recognition really made my day. We want to do this as right as we can, without forcing the boys to feel like they don't have a choice in the matter. (Although they don't get to tell me to take a hike, but I don't want them to feel like they HAVE to refer to me as one thing or another, especially since we're not moved in together yet/much less are the boyfriend and I married.)

Apparently, Middle Boy's teacher gave him a paper and told him to give it to his mom (or someone like that...I really can't confirm as I wasn't there.) So Middle Boy gets back to his Maternal Grandmother's after school. She pulls the envelope out and as follows:

Grandma: "Who gets this?"
MB: "Crys does. Because she's my step-mom"

I guess I felt rather accepted and special because he thought of me and not She Who Must Not Be Named.

One of my greatest fears coming into this was that I wouldn't be accepted. That everything I did would be wrong, viewed as "out to get them" and of course that "evil wicked step-mother" stigma didn't help. But the boys and I seem to be accepting each other more and more each time we get to see each other (every weekend just about).

Another example is last weekend when I drove up to see them (the long 7 hour drive thanks to Rush Hour). Older boy tried so hard to stay up so that he could say hi to me. He of course conked out around 11pm, but I did get some nice hugs the next morning. But the fact that he wanted to stay up and see me made me feel special.

I think that I don't give myself enough credit, in my worrying that the boys are going to reject my love and care. As I'm just now starting to see the positive effect that it has had on them. And I can only hope that despite the stigma and my fears, my relationship with them will continue to grow stronger and more enriching for all of us.

I came into this relationship wanting to be someone that they could learn from, and now that I reflect, I see that I'm learning a lot from them, too.