Friday, September 26, 2008

And Then I Exploded

"If you go in for argument, take care of your temper. Your logic, if you have any, will take care of itself." ~Joseph Farrell

You never quite really know just how strong and how much emotion you’ve been bottling up until it explodes on you. If you’re lucky, it’s something silly and stupid like watching one of the saddest episodes ever on One Tree Hill (“And Then I Cried” Sept 17 entry). But sometimes it’s something that really hurts you. And it all just snaps like a levy breaking on a damn…and all of hell’s fury breaks loose on the unfortunate people living in the valley down below.

Well that’s what happened today. In fact, I’m still rather furious at the boyfriend. In fact, I’m waiting for one of my childhood friends to call me back to say that he’s back from the gym so that we can go out to dinner and catch up on life. Because I’m so furious, and angry, and hurt right now that I need to get away. Because if I don’t get some away time and calm down, then I’m most likely to say something that I’m going to regret. And you can’t take things that you say back. And the most hurtful things that you would ever say to someone when you’re angry and hurt, are most likely to someone that you love. And I do love my boyfriend that I’m going to calm down first before I attempt to communicate why I’m so furious, angry and hurt.

I was looking forward to a family weekend. One that we could have fun and relax and be a family. I really wanted to bring the boys to the library to get them library cards. I really wanted to bring them to a park or something so that we could play and get some outside time outside of our apartment. Well, that all changed when I received a phone call from the boyfriend, saying that their mother had called and wanted them for the weekend.

And whatever contraption was bottling everything I’ve been pushing down inside, well that sucker flew loose. I don’t know where it is – maybe it’s somewhere behind my desk or maybe it rolled behind the TV. But I was pissed.

I understand she wants to see them. I understand that they love her and always will. But I don’t agree that she can just call at her convenience and expect to have the boys dropped off at her place because she willed it so. I want to spend time with the boys too (that isn’t on a work day.) Not to point blame or throw a pity party, trust me. I’m not. I’m just … hurt.

I gave up my life to come and take care of the boys and to live with my new family. I take care of them every day. I wake them up and give them breakfast, I feed them lunch, I make them dinner. I help with homework and my effort, unconditional love and patience and my paycheck go toward this family. Sure, it’s only been 12 days, but I like to think that I’m a part of this family too.

It just hurts my feelings, and I’m aware that it only hurts because I’m allowing it to hurt. But it hurts. Our family is not serving to her beck and call. We’re a family too. We have plans and she really needs to call in advance if she’d like to see the boys. This really pisses me off too considering she has no sort of custody of them. She has no responsibility to them (outside of being a mother that I’ve already said my opinion on). It just … a lot of things about this situation irritate me. But this … I just can’t grasp and refuse to bow down too.

I always make a conscious effort to choose my battles. And this is a battle that I am going to pursue. I refuse to have my life revolving around her beck and call. I do not bow down to another person’s irresponsibility, especially hers.

Am I being a stubborn bitch? It’s a big possibility. But do I have a right to be angry and upset? Hell yes I do.

So here I sit. Waiting for my childhood friend to call me so that I can go out, and calm down, and after I’ve calmed down and found my smile I can calmly and rationally discuss with the boyfriend. I don’t like to be angry, but I’m not one to bow down when someone has hurt me either. I’m confrontational … it’s my personality. And if we expect to get married and live the rest of our lives together, we need to learn how to deal with this, in a way that works for the both of us.

4 comments:

Yo said...

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

communication is best. calming down first is genius. maybe even making a list.

it's your right to feel selfish. you had plans. she's in your life forever. boundaries have to be set. lines of communication have to be opened.

i totally understand and i'm POSITIVE you'll have this worked out. this will happen again, and all of you will need to know how to deal with this. if even she asks two or three days before hand, and if she's told that she can't have them THE DAY OF because you have plans.

she gave them up. she shouldn't be able to snap her fingers and make things happen. she hasn't made any sacrifices.

alright, i'm off my soap box. i'm sure you'll figure this out.

if you're in socal any time, let me know.

Smirking Cat said...

Saying "no, we have plans; how about another time?" and then making plans in advance for that other time is certainly a viable option. It's not selfish to want to be able to plan your life.

(Sorry about the deleted comment; I had a typo and had to fix it.)

*Marie* said...

Unfortunately, this will not be the last- or the worst- of her antics. It will happen over and over again. She will push every button there is.

I'm sorry you lost it. There's only so much a person can take. However, I hope you and your bf can communicate about this and come to an agreement between you. It looks like you two are going to have to be the adults since bio mom isn't going to be. You two will have to be the united front to provide the stability, and that includes days that you have already planned.

I'm proud of you for cooling off. It takes a strong woman to walk away and "get a grip" when it would be so much easier to lose it. With this mindset, you will be able to handle this- and handle it well.

perdido said...

I used to get peeved too when my daughter's dad would take weeks off from his visitation and then all of sudden call and expect to start right back up again as if they were just sitting there waiting for him to have time for him, even though for weeks he was missing in action and they would make plans with their friends or have some kind of event they wanted to go to but then he would call and we are just supposed to drop everything.