Struggling To Merge My Two Lives

“Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.” ~Richard Bach, Illusions

My being here is still kind of strange at times. (I do realize that it's only Day 12 of my new life, and perhaps my expectations of where I ought to be are a bit high.) I’ve managed to get into a routine in balancing the kids and work. However, I’m still struggling in finding balance for myself. It’s like I have two lives still, and I’m having trouble merging them on a level.

Life One – Being the girlfriend living with a boyfriend, taking care of the kids, dropping them off and picking them up from school, making sure everyone takes naps if they need to, doing the domestic goddess routine of laundry, making meals, and making sure that homework gets done.

Life Two – Being the single career-oriented business woman I’ve always been, work-a-holic wanting to get done what can get done today instead of putting it off until tomorrow.

Like I said, I’ve managed to balance these two live together so that I get it all done. However, I guess on a mental mind level, I’m having trouble leaving my single, independent career oriented mind frame behind. It’s awfully stressful trying to let go of this identity that I have been for years, upon years, upon years. This is also at times, OK more often than just “at times”, quite frightening.

I feel like I’m circling in the sea of change trying to reinvent myself. Treading water furiously as I try to figure out and build up this new identity that I’ve thrown myself into.

I’m in a new skin, and I can’t quite figure it out. I guess I can compare it to a snake. I want these beautiful new colors to shine through, yet I’m not ready to full shed my old skin.

I’ve always been about business. I was my class secretary in high school for all four years, doubling up as the associated student body secretary and senior class secretary my senior year. In college I quickly got involved in Student government as a freshman and stepped up to a Vice Presidential position my sophomore year. In addition I was involved in sorority and was the CPA president, and the Features editor for the newspaper. And after I transferred to my other university I was a sorority alumnae volunteer, fraternity sweetheart and worked again on the newspaper staff. Even now, I’m still a region wide advisor in sorority, still somewhat active in volunteering and community service for the fraternity and sorority, and working a full-time job.

Am I overdoing it? Not really, for me at least. I realize that others couldn’t handle it, others wouldn’t want to handle it. But, oh, how I love the chaos of it.

And here I am. My reality is that I am no longer that single, career-oriented business woman. I’m more the career-oriented, nurturing, business instant mother. Except my mind frame is split between the single, career-oriented business woman and the nurturing instant mother. And on some days, it’s driving me up the wall.

The most successful moment I think I’ve had was when I made home-made playdoh for the boys. They were playing with the playdoh, I had a phonics CD playing on my computer and I was doing my work. Why can’t my poor mind run that smoothly every day?

Again, I remind myself that I chose this life. I want to be here and I want the boyfriend and these boys here. And, I guess it will just take some more time for me to rediscover myself and learn to balance and merge my two lives into one. Why does growing up take so long?