Thursday, September 4, 2008

The Little Green Bolt

So I had something rather positive to write about tonight, and then I talked to the boyfriend on the phone, and I don’t really feel like writing about it anymore. I don’t want what I’m feeling now to taint it.

The boyfriend and the three boys were supposed to all come down this weekend to see me. Well, now it’s just the boyfriend and one of the boys, because the other boys are going to stay at their “Real Mom’s” house (as she was called tonight by one of them). What sucked even more was being told:

“I pulled them aside individually and asked them, ‘Do you want to go down to see Crys or do you want to stay here with Mommy?’”

Well, we all can figure out what each of them said. So Older Boy is coming down here to see me, and Middle Boy and Younger Boy are staying up there.

I’m not quite sure what upsets me more. That fact that I don’t get to see all three of them (because I really was looking forward to seeing all of them) or that two of them didn’t want to come see me.

It makes me feel rather sad and bummed and a bit jealous. And man, I hate feeling jealous. That little bolt of green does nothing but make my stomach turn sour. And damn, I’ve had to fight that little bolt of green a lot lately. It makes me feel so immature and childish and high school drama-ish. But it’s there, and it’s a feeling, and I can only continue to tell myself that maybe, one day, it will finally go away.

I feel that little bolt of green for a lot of things. And they all seem really stupid.

My Top 5 Stupid Reasons (Occurrences) of the Little Green Bolt:
  1. I wasn’t his first wife
  2. Those kids aren’t mine and (technically) never are going to be
  3. That the mere mention of “her” from his lips seems like a kick in the stomach (whether the mention is negative or revolting)
  4. That “Our Real Mom” compared to “Our Step Mom” just sounds so less nasty and icky and feels like an ever swifter kick to the stomach (perhaps with a steel-toed boot)
  5. That I have to share my new life with her, in some capacity, and it’s more of an ultimatum than a choice. (Either I have my boys or I don’t. If I do she’s there and if I don’t none of them are there.)

I should be my positive self, and focus on the fact that Older Boy DID want to come see me. But no, that damn little green bolt is insisting that it stay in my mind and heart just a bit longer. So here I am, deciding which book I’m going to read so that I can get my mind off of it. Reminding myself “This is the life you chose” and trying to convince myself “Maybe this will get easier one day.”

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

they don't mean it. and i know you know that. calling her their "real" mom is differentiating between the two of you.

they haven't seen her in a long time, and they know you'll be around.

i HATE sharing my life with the "real mom". i hate it. it took me a long time to get used to the idea. and then i realized, i really don't have a choice. and that's just how it is. i still hate it, that i can't just pick up and move wherever i want, or take a job without thinking of this other woman's plans.

i hear it gets easier. have you read the doughtie houses exchange? they're at http://thedhx.com. they braid each other's hair and everything. jill is awesome.

but it only gets easier if everyone is in it for the long haul. i think that's where i am with karen. i'm in it, i would even have her over for dinner if it would make things better. but ... well, there's a lot of history and i think this comment is long enough.

be happy that you don't see her or have to deal with her every few days. seriously, that's VERY annoying.

okay, one more thing about the kids never being yours... i have that same feeling, too. but i see pete in ramona and i love that. and i get to be this huge part of her life. forever. and i get to be a kid again for a little while during the week and sometimes on the weekend =)

Anonymous said...

oh, and not to stoke the fire or anything, but it annoys me that they had ess ee ecks. i get to see them in the same room having a conversation, and i'm imagining all this grossness.

but whatever, that happened over 7 years ago and i get to see him naked now.

hmmmm... not sure if that nekked part or the ess eee ecks part is appropriate for your blog. feel free to delete it if you want =)

Yo said...

http://www.noonesthebitch.com/my_weblog/

is good, too.