411 Miles

411 Miles … that is the distance that currently separates me from the boyfriend and the boys. (Technically 428 miles if I’m leaving from work.)

I didn’t know that it would be this hard to be so far from them. I guess it shows how much I’ve grown to care about all of them, and how much they’ve really become a part of my life.
11 Days is the countdown to when I move up to Nor Cal. And trust me, I’m counting down the days.

One of the things heavy on my mind lately is my commuting between my job and my life up there with them. It’s like having two lives. It’s an awfully long commute between what feels like home and having to go to work. 411 miles away.

Even more so, though, is that I don’t want the boys to ever get the impression that I’m going to leave and not come back. I’ve made sure to tell them when I’ll see them again, each time before I leave. I couldn’t begin to imagine what it would be like to be a child, and to have to try and process through my mind that my mother had left. Much less that she had chosen to leave and didn’t really care to have custody of me.

So it’s been very important to me that they know that I’m coming back, and that I want them in my life, without being overwhelming.

At first I got the half hugs … the kind of, “Oh, Crys is here” looks and glances. And it sucked. It royally blowed feeling like you’re the only one excited to be there. It’s like in college (or high school maybe) when you’re totally into a guy. And you put all your heart and effort into being there for him, helping him, caring for him. And then one day, you realize that he could care less if you (specifically you) are there or not.

But this … loving children that deserve as much love as you can possibly give … I know that it takes time. No matter how long it takes. And even with the risk of knowing that I may never receive it back, I’ve given them the best care that I know how and all of the love I possibly can give.

I was up in our new apartment this weekend moving some more stuff in. And, like all the other weekends until the big move, it came to the time when I had to pack my bags and head back down to go to work the next day. The boyfriend told them I was going to be leaving soon and Middle Boy innocently looked at me and asked “Who will care for us?”

It was funny and cute and painful at the same time. Funny because it was random, Cute because he was serious, and painful because I was leaving to go to work 411 miles away.

MB: “Who will care for us?”
Me: “Well, I’m going to fix some dinner for later this week. And your Daddy will take care of you until I get back. Is that OK?”
MB: “OK”

I felt rather important that day. Important, and loved, and needed and accepted.
To top it off, before I left I got three really good real hugs … from all three of the boys. And I think that’s a pretty good sign that maybe I’m doing something right. (Considering I’m winging it here.)

And even though I’m 411 miles away right now…those hugs bring a big smile to my face and I’m filled with warm fuzzies.