Overcoming The Anger Within

"Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody's power – that is not easy." ~Aristotle

I’m not an angry person, but I do have an immeasurable amount of undirected anger built up inside of me. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s leftover bitterness from ex-boyfriends who dared lay a hand upon me. Perhaps it’s from other wrongdoings against me. Perhaps it’s even from the very hatred I had for myself at one point, many moons ago. I’m now very much an optimistic person. It takes a lot to get me really angry, and even more to get me angry at you.

One huge struggle that I’ve had since becoming involved in my relationship is the red hot white anger that I have toward the boys’ mother. I’ve learned to swallow it down and hide it behind a kind smile. That kind smile only slightly turns up at the edges, because I’ve been told that too much frowning will give you wrinkles. The boyfriend I’m sure can sense it, he can read me better than most. (And I guess it goes back to bottling up feelings again, but this is one that can’t be helped at the moment.)

There seem to be a lot of reasons this anger shoots hot through my veins. The uppermost reason is that I just can’t seem to understand or grasp why she doesn’t want them in her life. They love her, and she can only bear to see them once in a while when she feels like it, and makes an effort to call and ask for them? I guess I should be thanking her for the choices she’s made. Because if she hadn’t made those choices then I wouldn’t have this wonderful man and I wouldn’t have these three amazing boys in my life. (Was it a sign or pure coincidence that I met the boys on Mother’s Day?)

But I still can’t help but swallow the anger down. At this point in my life, she’s really the only cause of me feeling it. I feel hurt, I feel disappointment and even frustration – but generally not anger. Specifically the red hot white anger like the kind I feel toward her. I sit there and try to reason with myself. “She can’t be that bad, she can’t be that selfish, she has to have some sort of nurturing and loving nature if she had three boys (with another on the way).” But then I keep finding things out that keep smashing any hopes I have of her being a good person or at least a decent human being. (Perhaps my expectations of a decent human being are too high?)

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a sour stomach because she failed the boys at being a decent mother. I’ve always tended to turn anger toward another person toward myself. (Don’t ask me why, it’s a torturous thing I’ve always done that I’ve actually come a long way in not doing in the last year or so.) I’ve learned that it’s OK to be angry toward someone. But – this powerful emotion has to be handled with gentle hands. There’s a time and a place and a degree to be angry, and then there’s a time and a place and a degree to let it go.

Another part of this anger is that I see what I am doing for these boys, with these boys – and I can’t understand why she can’t even put forth 1/4th of the effort that I am putting forth for them. I quit my job and moved up here (I realize I’m crazy, and lucky as my company appreciated my work enough that they created a new job opportunity for me up here) and have jumped feet first into this ocean of change (vast change). And she, well she just quit them, and pokes her head in when she feels like it. (Maybe I’ve just dramatized it all in my head, but the words I type are truth. And in this world truth sucks sometimes.)

My homework that I’ve assigned myself is to find a way to let go of the anger. She’s always going to anger me as a human being. She’s always going to disappoint me as a mother. But I’m going to work on not allowing the anger to become so great and powerful that I can’t see past it. My life (as challenging as it is right now) is far too precious and wonderful to let someone like her ruin it. I’m a much better (and bigger) person than that.