Being a Stepmom is Stressful

I had really hoped that maybe with time being a stepmom would be easier. As in, after time with the boys I wouldn’t feel quite as frustrated at times. But there are still some days it takes all the control I have not to pull my hair out, pack up the cat and baby and walk out the door.

It’s not even that I don’t like the boys. I love them very much. But I think there is a great amount of pressure I feel when it comes to raising them. I hear so much from my mother-in-law or other relatives on either FH or Jane’s sides about how worried everyone was for the boys’ well being.

I can’t imagine that everyone is exaggerating but I just can’t grasp how bad it was. Could it really have been that drastically bad? I guess it could have. But I just can’t grasp it.

I know that the boys have all blossomed into amazing individuals under my care. I know that they can only continue to grow and blossom more. But I feel like I can’t mess it up … Like if they turn out anything like their mother or worse then somewhere along the way I messed up in raising them.

I hear from both FH and Jane’s side this worry and concern from the past and receive a lot of praise and thanks for what I’ve done and what I’m continuing to do. (It’s really quite weird to have people thank me so often for being a mom to the boys. It’s nature to me, and it feels like I’ve gone up and beyond my expected duties the way they all thank me.) And it feels almost like there is a weight on my shoulder that I have to make these children successful. It is very overwhelming at times.

I know I can only take each of them so far. I can only instill my love, my values, my example and that they’ll have to take all those and create themselves from there. In the back of my head though sometimes I feel a whip and hear a voice that says if I don't give it 180% instead of just try my best that maybe I'm giving it my all. (I think that it all comes down to the fact that I am my own worst enemy as in I'm the hardest on myself.)

I honestly sometimes feel stressed trying to just be a mom to them. Now that I have a biological child of my own I’ve been able to sort things out. I feel a stress to make sure that I’m raising my own child the way I want to and to be the best mom I know how. But it’s just a different stress from raising someone else’s kids, even though they’re my kids too now.

Does that make sense? I’ve decided that I’m putting some money away (about $14) and I’m going to the Jelly Belly Factory out here to treat myself to six delicious squares of gourmet fudge. So good! And that is how I’m going to be good to me and try my best to relax and not stress out as much.

A Ray of Sunshine Indeed

I wanted to share a little something about my life now as a stepmom who now has a child of her own.

Before I used to get really upset because I felt out of the loop when it came to my instant family. FH and the boys shared that parent-child bond that I could tell was missing in my own relationship with them. I also, and still do, feel that sometimes I just don’t belong or that something is off.

I’m aware I’m their mother, yet I’ll never be their mother. Or at least at this moment in their young lives they’re just not going to “get it” how life has dramatically changed for the better with me in their lives. I won’t lie. I’m often the parent of authority. I don’t forget that they’re children but I expect them to learn responsibility, respect and independence along the way.

Often, and usually with Middle Boy, I get the feeling that I’m loathed or that I’m a big pain in the ass. And I might just be a pain in the ass as I expect them to learn to do things like make their bed, be kind to each other and to make the right choice even when they really want to do the sad choice (like hit your brother).

Also, since I don’t have that parent-child bond with them it’s sometimes hard to connect. I guess what I’m saying is that unconditional love just isn’t there from them. They might have a love for me, but it’s not the same.

Now that I have Baby JC my life feels truly blessed. Not just because I know have this amazing opportunity and gift of giving birth and having a child that I created, but I know what it feels like to have that unconditional love back. In other words, I don’t feel completely alone. If anything, having her has sort of helped me and the boys to either relate to each other or feel a bit more validated as a family.

And even on those days that I feel completely left out due to their actions, I still have her to help make me feel better. I’m not saying that every stepmom should go out and have kids. Not everyone is ready to have kids. Some people just never are.

But for me, having her around has helped me to feel less stressed and anxious over having stepkids. She also helps me to emphasize with them more. I look at her and I am able to calm down if I am angry, think about the fact that they are my kids and treat them the same way that I would think I would treat her.

I hope that makes sense. It’s hard to describe the way her being in my life has helped me to be a better stepmom. She is definitely a ray of sunshine in my life though. I think I’m a better person because of her.

This is Baby JC at 4 months old. She will be 6 months next week.

A Virtual Pat on the Back

I wanted to take a moment to give Jane a pat on the back. Not because I think she’s turned her life around or because I think a great miracle has been bestowed on us … but because I know I really appreciate credit for things I have done and I think it’s due for her.

Jane has been regularly been taking the boys overnight every Friday (with the exception of perhaps 2-3 cancellations) for the last two months (or something like that). But that’s not where I give her a virtual pat on the back.

Older Boy had a project that was accepted/chosen to be a part of the District wide Science Fair this past weekend. He and two of his friends in his 5th grade class decided to test which type of paper made the best paper airplane.

Off Topic – I was the parent home when the three of them were doing their project and keeping them on task and guiding them when they had no clue was a project in it’s own. Luckily Middle Boy and Younger Boy were away at Jane and Jolie’s for the weekend because topping that task off with an infant was pure chaos.

Back on – the Science Fair was on Saturday and neither FH or I could attend. We suggested to Older Boy that he call Jane up and invite her to it. We weren’t sure what would happen but figured it wouldn’t hurt to at least invite her. I couldn’t really tell if Older Boy was enthused or not about the idea. The first time I brought the idea up to him he kind of had a “Sure, I guess” response. Then when FH brought it up a second time he was an indifferent response. Half of a “Yeah, that’s a good idea” and half a “If you’re forcing me too I guess I will.”

Either way, Older Boy called and left a message on Jane’s voicemail which later had to be translated by FH to Jane. She later surprised us when she asked for the address to the science fair location. We were even more surprised that she actually showed up and picked up Older Boy.

So that’s one virtual pat on the back for Jane.

The second is that she and her man got a second vehicle. Not only did they get a second vehicle but it’s a van. So now there are enough seats for all 6 of them to travel and no one has to get left at home.

She also bought a booster for Middle Boy who is not yet heavy enough to be out of a booster.

I was rather relieved needless to say. I wouldn’t say I’m now carefree for when they go to her house. But knowing that they have a vehicle that can hold all 6 of them in an emergency makes me feel a lot better.

And I don’t expect this streak of effort on her part to last, but I’ll be pleasantly tickled pink if it goes on for another month or two. That would by far break her last record of putting effort into being a part of the boys lives.

Middle Boy Goes Teal

Middle Boy currently has a Mohawk growing. I won't lie. I wasn't all that thrilled with it but then I made myself take a step out of my box of “what I like” and gave much consideration to “how this makes him feel.” And I think having a Mohawk makes Middle Boy feel a bit more like he stands out from being the Middle Boy. It’s different from the styles his brothers are currently sporting and one of his friends at school has a Mohawk also so I think it helps Middle Boy feel like he fits in a little more.

Sidenote: My mom (who has worked in child development for forever now) and I had a conversation the other day about how Middle Boy’s odd personality is probably a big factor in the fact that he just has a hard time making/keeping friends. So I’ve been trying to brainstorm ways to help Middle Boy learn some skills or habits to help him with his social awkwardness.

Back to the story – I decided to embrace Middle Boy’s Mohawk which means that I’ve gone all out in supporting the growth and development of the Mohawk.

More recently … as part of a reward for being on task with his responsibilities and treating his brothers with kindness and consideration he was allowed to choose a color to dye his Mohawk. He at first wanted a neon green, however his blond hair is a bit dirty blond right now and I didn’t want to bleach it in order to get the color to show. I also didn't want him to be disappointed with a color that wouldn't show up as vibrant as he was expecting.

I showed him some darker shades of Teal and Turquoise that closely resemble his favorite shades of aquamarine. He chose the Teal. It’s a wash out after a couple of washes so I’ve had to keep coloring it about once a week. The fabulous thing is that with each color job the color is richer looking.

The first night that we dyed his hair he had the biggest, real smile I have ever seen on him throughout the past 2 and a half years that I’ve known him. It really made my heart warm inside to see him so happy because of the three of them he seems to be the one that is most down in the dumps.

I also got him some hair cement to get the effective spike to his hair style.

This, of course, needs a photo to help show the fabulous smile and showcase the Mohawk. I present, with my best superhero mask paint skills, Middle Boy’s Mohawk.

Fighting For Younger Boy

I was hoping now that Younger Boy is 5, and older, and in kindergarten that perhaps Jane would give him more credit and want to include him more. However, I got myself in a little tizzy, which I was able to calm down from but it still pisses me off.

Jane informed us that they’ll be going down to a wedding at Disneyland and wanted to invite one of the boys. I suggested that FH have Younger Boy go because 1)He’s the best at handling long car trips and 2)He’s young enough to really enjoy Disneyland still. Jane’s son is going to be 3 this year so I assume they’ll be going on the age appropriate rides in Fantasyland. Older Boy is (and has expressed from past trips) that is just far too old to go on those rides, and Middle Boy is on the brink of wanting to go on the older kid rides and that the Fantasyland rides are for babies.

Back to the story … Jane shot down the idea of Younger Boy going because “She already has to deal with her son she doesn't want to have to deal with Younger Boy too.”

I've been trying to fight for Younger Boy since the first time that she intentionally voiced a request that left him out. I know that at this point I’m more of his mother than she is, but in his eyes she is his “Mommy” and he gets excited about going to her house still.

However, I’m going to assume that perhaps this is one fight not worth going after. We’re most likely going to send Middle Boy down with her and then treat Older Boy and Younger Boy to a special weekend out at one of the theme parks out here so that no one is left out on the fun.

It still, however, makes me so frustrated that she’s seems to have this stigma against including Younger Boy in her life. Perhaps it’s because she didn't raise him and doesn’t feel that connection to him that she does to the older boys? Who knows how her mind works, because we all know it’s not hardwired that great in the first place. I just tend to find myself thinking that out of all three of them he gets the raw deal the most.

I tend to bring him along with me on a lot of outings. And before he started preschool he was the one who got to go on a few trips with me because it was easier to bring him along then to find someone who could watch him while the others were at school. I can really only do so much to help him out emotionally, but I hope that by the time he’s a teenager it will have made a positive impact on him.

From “The Boys” to “A Boy”

My parent’s have been wonderful in terms of accepting my instant family as their own. A photo of the boys hangs in their living room, the boys get excited when they find out we’re seeing them and give them both hugs, and my parents have shown a great interest in the boys well being.

Starting last summer they started making arrangements to spend some one-on-one time with the boys. Each month they take one of the boys for a night or two so the boy of the month can get some individual time away.

This month was Older Boy’s turn. My dad brought him to a Shark’s hockey game and got him a hockey puck. I got a great photo text from my mom of him sleeping with his puck. It was really cute. I also found out that Older Boy was rather sad to have to leave.

At first I thought “oh, he doesn’t enjoy home” then I wizened up and realized it’s because he had just had the rare luxury of being an only kid for a couple of days. We try to make sure to spend individual time with each of them when we can, but with four kids (one being an infant) now that is a bit hard sometimes.

They also have always been the three of them for so long now I wonder if everyone kind of views them as “the boys.” And if it’s not the three of them it’s two of them. Because of their situation being in the spotlight really is a luxury to them. I didn’t think much of it until my told me about a conversation with my cousin’s fiancé.

He too was a child of divorce. And when he found out that my parent’s were the ones who asked if they could spend some get to know you time with each of the boys alone said “I wish someone had thought to do that with me.”

I too had a younger sibling, but I did get alone time here or there. OR if both of us went over to a family friend’s place there were siblings our age so we weren’t stuck with just each other to play with.

I’ve gotten the impression that perhaps the boys are tired of being “the boys” and would each like to be “a boy.” I may not be able to control how others treat them, and I may not always be able to do something lavish like take them out on a Crys and boy dinner date, but I’d like to see FH and I make more of an effort to single each boy out.

We’ve started with Older Boy by making sure he has a day to help make dinner each week. FH has come up with some activities that he can do with each boy also. I think it’s important for him to try and spend some more one-on-one time with each of them. We’ve brainstormed some other ideas too but I’d love to hear of any suggestions on ideas or personal experiences from you ladies.

Not Covering Up For Her Anymore

There was a post I made about not covering up for Jane anymore when it came to the kids. I can’t remember when but I remember writing about how I was no longer going to cover up for Jane if she cancelled. However, I’ve only applied it to times that the kids knew they were going to be seeing her and she cancelled.

Well, FH and I have pretty much decided that perhaps it’s time that the boys were indeed aware of their mother’s choices. We’ve been trying to protect them from the heartache by not telling them when they’re supposed to be seeing her because she cancelled so often. It just seemed easier to make it a pleasant surprise.

To her credit, she actually did see them every week for a good portion of 2010. However, as of last month the old Jane who pulls out any excuse in the book to cancel has returned. She has either cancelled or tried to cancel a majority of the times she was supposed to see them. FH told me that he’s ready to let the boys see who she really is. And now that they all are a bit older I think that it is time to start putting it back on the calendar for them to see when they’ll see her. And if she cancels, then she cancels and they’ll know about it.

**EDIT: I just wanted to add in that we have no intentions of making a big dramatic production of it with the boys. I was reading through some comments I just wanted to clear that up. It's frustrating enough to us to have plans changed, especially since it's our date night when she sees them. And the whole reason we stopped telling them when they were going to see her was because she would go for weeks at a time cancelling on them. But, frankly I'm tired of trying to diffuse it for her. I owe her no favors. And I do appreciate the suggestion of not using the word "cancel" and in saying "you should call her to talk about it" if they want to know more.**

This comes after an angering experience from the last time they slept at her house. Older Boy told us that they slept on the floor this last time because Jane’s guy slept on the queen size pull out couch that they usually sleep on. FH was especially angry, and I don’t blame him. We send the boys over expecting them to be in a good environment (or at least as best as possible knowing their habits). It makes me wonder if we ought to send sleeping bags for them so that they’ll at least have something warm to sleep in. I don’t want to encourage them sleeping on the floor when there’s a pull out bed, but I don’t want them to end up on the floor with just a blanket either.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how it goes down this week when they go over to her house for Thanksgiving. This year is her year to have them and she’s taking them (all 3 boys!) Tuesday thru Thursday evening.

Having Baby J.C. have given me a whole new perspective on parenthood and on the choices I make as a parent. And I know we can’t protect our children from all the heartache in the world. I just never thought I’d have to protect my children from heartache caused by someone that is supposed to love them unconditionally and fight for them. I think having Jane as an example of who not to be has helped make me a better mother to both the boys and to J.C.

Now That I’m A Mother

Now that I am a mother I’ve had a new wave of frustration as an Instant Mother. It’s not that I resent the boys’ presence. It’s not that I no longer want to care for them or take care of them or nurture them. It is more that I have definitely found myself even more frustrated at times with the reality that their mother doesn’t take an active role in their lives.

I lightly touched on it in my last post. As a first time mom I’ve had people telling me to get a lot of rest, to relax and to sleep whenever possible so that I can recover as well as keep my sanity to balance off my new sleep schedule. I can maybe get an extra nap in once in the morning right after I drop the boys off at school and before I have to pick up Younger Boy OR in the afternoon right after I drop Younger Boy off at the after school program and before FH comes home from work.

As a mother myself now I get frustrated that Jane isn’t here to help take care of the boys more often. I’m frustrated that the only time she wants to see them, talk to them, be a part of their lives is if she has a day off from work. I think a part of it is that I’m here trying my best to be the best mom I can be to a newborn, and the best instant mom I can be to three kids that aren’t mine and it is draining me.

Don’t get me wrong here … as I said above I haven’t had a change of heart for the boys, but now that I’ve actually gone through the whole experience of labor and midnight/3am/6am feedings in the same night experience I just get kind of pissy that a woman who birthed three kids gets to have such a rule over my schedule once a week and on the holidays when I’m doing all the work and she’s not even trying to wish them a good night or anything.

To her credit she did offer to put the boys on her health insurance plan while FH transitions between jobs. Allegedly she doesn’t get charged anything extra to have children on her benefits plan. I’m hoping this means that their coverage will be decent still or perhaps that we won’t need to use it until FH is off of his probation period at his new job.

If she were perhaps more consistent with her visits and not consistently trying to get out of seeing them perhaps my anger wouldn’t be on the verge of blossoming. But with my lack of sleep lately I’ve been getting rather irritated in having to be up and going all the time when all I want to do is sit back with my daughter and relax and do nothing … or sleep.

In other views … Baby J.C. has a smile that melts my frustration and anger away. Luckily for me she’s been more smiley each day that comes.

A Little Selfish

J.C. is about two weeks old now and life has definitely been changed. I’m glad I’m on maternity leave because I think it will take me another week or so to get into the habit of waking up at 6:30am so that I can function before I have to wake the boys up to take them to school. And that means no matter how many times I do or don’t wake up during the night my morning responsibility is to make sure the boys get breakfast and to school on time.

I’ve felt a little selfish though lately and I’ve had a hard time sharing … although I do share because, I can’t very well not share when the boys live with us 24/7.

I’ve felt a little selfish because I’m a first time mom with instant kids and I’ve felt very flustered with that at times. I’ve had to set an alarm on my cell phone so that I’ll be sure to be awake when it’s time to pick up or drop off Younger Boy from kindergarten. I’ve had to one-handedly put together lunch components while holding a baby in the other hand. And I’ve had to share her and FH with them. I think that was hard because I really harbor the moments when it’s just me, FH and J.C. I’ve had to remind myself that there are three other people that are a part of this family – even when at times even some of them don’t act like it.

And it’s not out of dislike for the boys. I think it’s just me realizing that my situation as a first time mom isn’t typical. And that is frustrating at times.

So to deal with it, I’ve learned to soak in time alone with J.C. I’ve learned to soak in the special moments that FH and I have together with J.C. I’ve also learned to make sure to remind the boys that they get to be a part of her life too. Older Boy doesn’t need the reminder and I appreciate that he’s always willing to help out with her and to kiss her goodnight without us having to tell him that he can.

Middle Boy is in charge of gathering up the diaper bags every night and Younger Boy still talks about her all the time. But the two of them tend to walk past her at nighttime without a kiss on the cheek. I’m not sure it it’s just forgetfulness on their part because she’s usually sleeping or if they’re waiting for permission to kiss her. I always feel a little silly having to remind them to kiss their sister goodnight.

Anyway, that’s the main thing I’ve been learning to deal with lately. For the most part having a baby in the house hasn’t been nearly as impossible as some people have made it sound out to be. She sleeps well and isn’t a crying poopy mess all the time. I also now have that connection with a child and it is amazing. I also now cannot imagine how or why Jane would not want the boys to be a part of her life. It makes even less sense now to me. Luckily I’m totally over trying to make sense of Jane’s actions.

I didn't know that such a little person could make me feel so happy and warm inside. And as much as I have a hard time sharing, I feel even more happy watching Older Boy playing with her. That's love that is heart melting.

She Doesn’t Treat Them The Same

Some of you may remember from last year, but I got rather furious when I came to the realization that Jane only put effort into requesting the boys’ presence last year for her other son Trevor’s birthday. (For those that are new Jane had a new baby not too long after the divorce/I moved in. It’s been cause for some issues here and there.)

After talking with Jane’s sister Allison I came to the realization that not only was the effort made just for Trevor’s birthday but that this effort was made solely for Trevor. His birthday was yesterday, which was also my due date by the way but I’m still pretty preggo today.

Anyway, this year’s gripe/realization … I think it’s still pretty stupid that Jane doesn’t treat all her children the same. It’s beyond her constantly asking for the older boys and leaving Younger Boy out. She treats Trevor completely different from how she treats all three of the boys. For instance, she makes a big deal about making sure to take/request Trevor’s birthday off from work. Yet, we have to plan in advance just to try and get her to take time off to spend with the boys over summers, for holidays, etc. And she doesn’t even bother trying to take the day off from work for any of the boys’ birthdays. In face, we always have to prod her ahead of time to find out what her day off will be and when she plans on celebrating the boys’ birthdays.

I’m not as furious as I was last year. But it was most disappointing to come and realize that the injustice of how she treats all of her children is much more than I first though.

I’m glad that we at least treat them all the same when it comes to their birthdays, in additional to realizing that the way we celebrate may need some tweaking as they get older in age.

Baby Update: As you may have guessed I’m still pretty preggo. My due date was yesterday but I have a feeling that perhaps the baby didn’t want to share a birthday with Trevor … also that she’s probably about as stubborn as me so she’s going to come when she feels like it instead of when someone tells her too. Hopefully though, she’ll be considerate of my comfort level and will come sooner than later. I know it can’t possible by comfy in there considering she’s growing bigger each week. Here’s to hoping she’s not that stubborn.

Proud of My Husband

I guess a positive and a downfall is that I’m always looking for the positive in people - except for the likes of Kobe and Derek Jeter. Otherwise, even in Jane I have some faith in to one day be a decent human being.

She actually had set a new record for herself this year. She was consistently seeing the boys for a dinner date once a week. She had even been taking all three of them overnight about once a month or so. It got to the point that I stopped wondering when she was going to cancel on them because I really figured that maybe she had grown up a bit and started to grasp that Motherhood responsibility thing.

Then two weeks ago she cancelled. She didn’t give a reason, she just cancelled…the day of. Then last week she called up FH trying to cancel. At first her excuse was that they were having car trouble. And I’m very proud of FH because he said “No,” and said that even if she didn’t come the boys were still going to go visit at her mom’s house. Then she tried to throw in that her ear had been bleeding the night before. FH again said ‘No, we have a date night planned.”

Low and behold, when we got to Jolie’s house there parked out front was Jane’s car. We were pleasantly surprised (actually shocked) because we figured she was just going to be a no show.

We had a fabulous date night but then she really pissed me off again when she asked FH if Older Boy could come stay the night on Friday. And Middle Boy could come too if he wanted. And again, Younger Boy got dissed with no invite.

FH called her back later that night with the message that perhaps she ought to take Older Boy and Younger Boy this weekend, and to relay more info involving Middle Boy’s medical bills (that’s a whole other post).

To her credit she actually called back a day or so later and said it was fine with her if Younger Boy went over there instead. It still pissed me off, but at least she was willing to take him.

Anyway, I’m proud of my husband. My husband two years ago might have been willing to bend over and let her have her way without argument. But he’s been standing up to her lately and I like it.

Baby Update: As of right now that little baby is still trying to kick her way out. She hasn’t quite figured out that is not how you get out of there. I’m 38 weeks and oh so ready to be done. I’ll keep you all updated on whenever I actually leave to go into labor. The due date is September 29th so basically she’s coming whenever she’s good and ready.

And for those who enjoy a good visual, and aren't a friend on Facebook, here is the baby bump at 38 weeks.

Choosing A Consequence

I like to think that I’ve come a long way when it comes to getting upset with the boys’ behavior. I may still raise my voice when I’ve discovered they’re doing something undesirable, but I’m learning to raise my voice to inform them they’re doing something undesirable, walking away to calm down for a bit and then coming back to talk to them about it.

Since I’m the one that’s home all day (working from home has its pros and cons) I’m the one that usually gets to encounter these issues. But, it’s really nice when FH is home and we can handle them together. I was so proud of us I thought I’d share a recent experience.

Younger Boy and Middle Boy have this habit of not staying on task. Which I guess is a habit for a lot of people, including myself sometimes. But when we ask them to clean up their room or to put their clothes away we expect them to do so. We’ve found many an occasion though where it takes them an hour or longer to do the task because instead of doing what they’re supposed to be doing they play around until they notice one of us peeking around the corner and then they jump back to what they’re supposed to be doing.

Well, I’d finally had it one day. I caught them playing with toys twice instead of putting their clothes away. I went in pretty hot-headed and informed them that I was most disappointed and angry that they were playing around instead of putting their clothes away. The raised voice sure let them know that I wasn’t joking around and they immediately got quiet and started putting their clothes away.

I asked FH his thoughts on letting them choose their own consequences of either “no TV” or “Go to bed early” for three days. He thought it was a pretty good idea. When they were done, and I had cooled off I called them into the room. In a calmer voice I re-said the bit about why we were upset with them not doing what they’re supposed to do. Then I let them know that they would get to choose their own consequence.

FH and I were fairly surprised with their choices. Middle Boy chose “no TV” and Younger Boy chose to “go to bed early.” And they behaved for the most part the rest of the day.

I’ll have to keep an eye out on whether they stay on task since, but I think letting them choose their own consequence was a good move. If anything it seemed to be better well accepted by both boys.

I’d Had Enough

This is a follow up to this post in which I was frustrated with Jane not giving us an answer as to which days she would be taking the boys for their summer weeks with her. Jane was supposed to call FH as soon as she had gotten her schedule last Sunday. I told FH that I would bake a cake if she actually did. Needless to say there was no cake baking last week.

Around Thursday and Friday I had enough … specifically because the following week (this week) was one of the weeks that Jane had said she would possibly be taking them. I nagged (and oh how I nagged) FH to call her at least once a day until she either picked up the phone or called back. My theory was that if she wasn’t going to call us then we were going to irritate the living heck out of her until she called back to make it stop.

FH finally got a hold of her Saturday morning. As usual I sat nearby to quietly listen to the conversation. I have excellent hearing and can usually hear the other person on the other line, even if I’m not the one on the phone. The initial jist of the conversation was that Jane just couldn’t get any extra days off soon. Her job already had to rearrange her schedule so that her and her guy weren’t working the same shifts and basically they weren’t inclined to give her any more special treatment considering everyone else at her work was putting in requests for days off too. Thus, the phone call ended with the agreement that the boys would be seeing her for their usual dinner on Thursday and no other summer dates were agreed upon.

Which led to this conversation:
Me: Does she have the dates I wrote down for her?
FH: Yes.
Me: Can she not find them or is it probably she’s just too lazy to go look for them?
FH: She’s probably just being lazy.

FH asked if he ought to call her mom, Jolie, about having the boys over for Jane’s time. My answer was “No, they’re her kids and this is her responsibility.”

Which is the point that I had had enough of the bull poop. I dug in my purse and pulled out the list of dates in which I left details of which boy was available on which days to go over and spend time at her home. I told FH that he needed to call her back with these dates and get an answer from her (with the silent point that he wasn’t getting off the phone with her until something was decided upon. And I’m sure he knows I would have nagged him to call her back again if the deal wasn’t sealed.)

I’m happy to say that the task was at least accomplished. Jane and FH decided on dates that she would take the boys in August, with the plans that Jane would put in requests with work to get them off since they were far away enough that she just might get them off. Although it’s not the full two weeks, I will be happy that’s she’s taking Younger Boy for a weekend and Middle and Older Boy for a week. That’s better than nothing, right?

Now we’ll just have to wait and see if it actually happens, or if she pulls what she did last year and cancel and not attempt to reschedule.

I Have No Sympathy For Her

So I couldn’t find the post about how after the bullshit that Jane pulled this past Christmas we drafted up a Holiday Schedule (since one hadn’t been established at the time of their divorce.) But if some of you remember we did. And in that both FH and Jane signed off that the boys would spend two weeks with Jane during the summer at some point.

Being the organized person I am I looked through the boys’ summer schedule and made a list of weeks that would work for them. Due to the various summer camps there is only one week that all three of them are available. However, due to the fact that Jane and her man only have one car that fits 5 people and that they’re already taking up 3 of those chairs it would be easier to send 2 of the boys over anyway.

Some of you may remember how last summer Jane left Younger Boy out and only wanted the two older boys over. Well, in my planning I made sure to detail which of the boys were available and when to try and prevent that from happening again.

FH brought the list over and Jane mentioned that two of the weeks seemed appealing to her. One week she would have Younger Boy and Older Boy near the beginning of summer and then one week she would have Middle Boy at the end of summer. This was apparently all pending on her man’s possible new work schedule.

FH reported to me that Jane hadn’t quite answered our question of what weeks she would be taking the boys because her man would be going back to school (Good for him I guess) and would be working Wednesday through Sunday. Which would leave Monday and Tuesday open (if she has the days off from work.)

A bit flustered I asked FH what that meant and he replied that he didn’t know because Jane was playing the “Poor me I have to pay bills and stuff now” card. Except, I didn’t care about her new responsibilities that as an adult and a mother she ought to be partaking in anyway and I wanted to know what days she’ll be taking the boys for their summer days with her.

One thing that still irks me the most is feeling that I can’t make any plans for myself or my family because she’s not responsible enough to ask for time off to spend with her children. If I thought it would help matters I’d ask her myself so that she couldn’t give any of her “beat around the bush” reasons that FH tends to just take from her. But I know better thus I will allow FH to be the one to get the information.

And because I don’t care anymore I’m pretty set on just blocking out those two weeks she said appealed most to her and planning around them. That way if she at least takes them for the Sunday evening through Tuesday evening they’ll already be blocked out.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about the boys spending time with their mother. In fact, if it hadn’t been for my pushing she probably wouldn’t be seeing them the once a week for 2 hours as long as she doesn’t cancel as it is. But with a baby on the way, a new part-time business, my own family to look out for and care for, and summer plans to be made I have no sympathy for the woman who doesn’t put effort into trying to see her kids unless we literally call her up and tell her she needs to take them for “this weekend” or “that weekend.” We gave her multiple weeks through out the summer. She’ll just have to pick which ones she wants us to block off and we’ll go from there.

Besides, the boys themselves have a list of all kinds of things they too would like to do this summer. Including spending time with friends and visiting with other relatives. It's not like I can tell them "Oh sorry honey, you can't make any plans until your mother figures it out."

Tired of the Flu

Well, the title of this entry should give you all a big clue of where I’ve been the past week. It all started on Sunday … last Sunday. The boys were staying over at Jane’s because her day with them was going to be Monday, and since they had the week off from school we thought it would be a good idea to let them stay the night.

Except at 1:03am (Monday morning) we got a phone call from Jane because Middle Boy was feverish, babbling incoherently and delusional. Now, not to discredit Jane, but Middle Boy sleepwalks. When he sleep walks he babbles incoherently and doesn’t know what’s going on. When he’s sick and not feeling well he does this often. But he did have a 103 degree fever so I can only assume he was really loopy. And let me just tell you how the conversation started out:

FH: Hello
Jane: How long has he been sick?

You know ... because we always send sick children over there.

She called again at 1:15am to tell us that she was bringing him to the emergency room. This meant that we had to get out of bed and meet her there. Now, I was not pleased ... especially since I had just driven a 7 hour drive from Southern California to Northern California. Not that I’m against being safe than sorry, but I didn’t see it as an emergency room trip that needed to happen. Having to drag my butt out of bed didn’t infuriate me as much as when they finally arrived and Middle Boy (who was the reason we were there) had on one sock and one bare foot.

So Jane and FH went with Middle Boy to see the doctor who apparently had a look on his face of “Oh boy, another one of these.” Meanwhile I, Jane’s guy, Older Boy, Younger Boy and Jane’s baby all had a camp out in the waiting room. I learned some interesting stuff about their life at home. And I was rather interested in the part where he told me that he was feeling sick and dizzy and not well. (You know, considering that she was blaming us for sending a sick kid over there.) I also held my tongue on many occasions when Jane’s guy said some stuff that sure as heck made it sound like Jane doesn’t see the boys because we moved across the bridge. Man I was proud that I held my tongue and didn’t shoot back with “Well you know if she actually put effort into trying to see them and didn’t cancel on them ever two to three weeks” coupled with “well these are the choices she made and we’re always willing to work with her schedule to fit in an extra day.” Let’s just say I was proud.

We didn’t leave until after 5am. The doctor sent us home with the instructions to give Middle Boy a lot of rest, fluids and children’s fever reducers. Luckily both FH and I were able to use a sick day for work because we were both exhausted and I really don’t think I would have been able to sleep and then wake up at 7am to work. And the boys came home with us. Some of you may remember “this” but Jane doesn’t enjoy having the boys with her if they’re sick. That apparently is our job as she so willingly sent them home with us. OK, I lied. What really infuriated me was that she didn’t say goodbye to them. They were all awake. Both I and FH asked her if she was going to/wanted to say goodbye. She ignored us as if she hadn’t heard us. I bid her a safe drive home. She replied she wasn’t driving and that was that. The fact of the situation though was that I didn't have time be angry. My energy was needed at home to take care of the boys, and my priority is them.

Long story short – that set the energy level for my week. I was exhausted all week long. And trying to make sure Middle Boy was being taking care of, making sure Older Boy and Younger Boy were healthy, doing all the other things I do around the house, and then eventually at the weeks end having to take care of a sick Older Boy and FH … I am still trying to catch up on the energy level.

So here’s hoping that my home is a flu-free home sooner than later, and that all of your homes are healthy and flu-free too.

The Need to Purge and Release

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and understanding. I think a lot of it was a ton of built up stress, and the fact pointed out that FH and I really need to try to get some time to ourselves to work on our relationship. If we don’t take care of us then there is a greater chance it just won’t work out. Right?

I very much needed to get the feelings out, and then sleep on it. I felt a bit better this morning, although I’m still stressed.

Another part of it is just stress from wedding planning. I never dreamed I’d be paying for my own wedding, at least I always figured I’d have some financial help. But in the current economy both our parents are strapped for cash as well. I also never counted on having to pay for three kids that weren’t mine. Considering FH and I are the only ones providing for them, that down right frustrates me when I’m no longer able to treat myself to my once a month splurge.

I finally allowed myself to order coffee from a coffee shop as my treat for the month because it had been about two months since I had done so.

Another stressor is that FH got a second job on the weekends, which leaves me and the boys home all weekend together. It’s not that I don’t like hanging out with just me and the boys, but it was a very long weekend without him there. Especially since on Saturday I wasn’t sure of when he’d be home and it was a very long waiting day. And then on Sunday the boys decided it would be the day to not listen, bother each other without mercy, and to totally act up to the point that I was pulling my hair out.

A big part of me wishes that I had been the one to pick up a second job just for the sanity of getting out of the house and conversing with others. But another part of me thinks a second job would not be mentally sound for me right now. I’ve always been the super do it all woman, but lately I’m just exhausted with all the current stress factors.

I also just don’t know who to turn to sometimes. It’s bad enough I’ve never had an easy time reaching out. But when it comes to feeling frustrated about the situation it’s not easy to talk to just anyone about it. I feel like if I don’t get it out then I’m going to bottle it up. And yet on the second hand I need to work on not getting so frustrated with it. Jane’s not going to change and this is most likely how life will continue to be.

BTW, thank you for the idea of swapping babysitting nights. I know I have other people out there who are always willing and have told me to let them know if we would like a night off. I think in the madness of wedding planning events the last two and half weeks and feeling pinched because we just don’t have any money to spare this week (it’s the week in the month where I pay all my big bills and FH doesn’t have any money left over either) I’m just feeling like I’ve dug myself into a big hole and I can’t figure out how to get out.

I find that even though I’ve been doing this for a year there are still a lot of things I’m having to adjust and adapt too when it comes to having children in your life. I assume this is something almost every parent feels as their child grows and becomes a different person. Throwing sass one day and hugs the next. I also assume that the fact that I’m raising someone else’s children with no previous experience of my own is another punch being thrown at me.

He Duped Me!

I like to pretend that I can’t be fooled by the boys. I can almost always see right through their attempts to lie or manipulate the other brothers in situations. I always thought “I’ll be just like my mom and see through all the B.S.” Then I’m reminded of all the times that I duped my mom. There’s still stuff I’ve done that she doesn’t know about.

The best was a couple of year’s ago when my ex-highschool sweetheart’s stepmom (who loves me still) introduced her in a drunken swagger as “This is the mother of the girl that took my son’s virginity.” Oh yes, that was awesome.

Anyway, so I like to think that I can see through it.

And then there is the other night when I was tired, and cranky, and exhausted. And a whiny, tired, cranky Younger Boy came up to me holding out his toothbrush and tube of training toothpaste to me and says:

YB: Can you please put squeeze the toothpaste for me?
Me: Sure, OK, here you go.
YB: Thank you.

And as he walks away my future hubby says:

FH: So Younger Boy suddenly can’t do anything that he knows how to do?
Me: He doesn’t know how to squeeze out the toothpaste by himself.
FH: Oh yeah? He did it just fine by himself last night.
Me: Damn.

That little stinker duped me! You best bet he squeezed his own toothpaste out tonight when he tried it again. Ha!

Getting Back to the Basics of Learning

As some of you may remember, I’ve decided to work with Younger Boy on learning some preschool basics while he’s home. This past week we have been working on tracing and learning the letters. He’s been very excited. I’m not sure what he’s absorbing, but I do know that he really wants to do it. In the middle of coloring yesterday he asked if he could write letters. I don’t even think I could describe my excitement in the fact he initiated the want to write some letters.

We’ve worked our way up to G so far. We tried some free-hand letters but his little hands just can’t quite grasp the crayon the way you’re supposed to be holding it in order to write. So I’ve been writing the letters down and letting him trace over them with a different colored crayon.

I also have letter magnets on the fridge and we’ve been going over some of the letters and words that start with them. Like Thomas starts with the letter T and Olivia starts with the letter O. I don’t expect him to get it, but I’m still excited that he’s been asking what letter different words start with.

He wants so very much to be like his older brothers and to be able to read and write. I want to embrace his excitement to learn and do things, but I want to make sure that I’m doing it right. I need to dumb it down I guess – get back to the basics. I’ve found that to be one of my more challenging things lately when it comes to teaching and helping the boys learn. Remembering how hard it was to learn simple things like letters and adding, because I learned all of that so long ago. Taking that step back is a lot harder than I thought it would be. But I have confidence that I can do this.

I’ve been thinking about getting some letter stencils or alphabet specific coloring books. I’m thinking more hands on things instead of flashcards since he is going to be 4-years-old., but I wanted to see if any of you have any ideas of other things I can get to help teach him the letters and to become familiar with handling crayons?

Younger Boy writing his letters.

Struggling with the Negative Attitude

As you may remember for me 2009 is The Year of the Coffee Bean … a.k.a The Year of Being a Positive Influence. Along with that you may remember that I’ve really been struggling in connecting with and working with Middle Boy. Today was another one of those Bang Head on Wall days.

Older Boy and Middle Boy started school yesterday at their new elementary school. Older Boy is in fourth grade and has already made some friends. Middle Boy is in first grade and has told us that he has still not made any friends.

Now trust me when I say that I have been trying ever so hard to be helpful and positive. I’ve pointed out that it’s the second day of school and that sometime making really good friends just takes a couple of days. Both Older Boy and I have given suggestions to Middle Boy on how to go about talking to kids in his class – like asking if he can play; asking if the other kid would like to play; asking the kid simple things like what is your name, who is your favorite transformer … blah, blah, blah.

Middle Boy informed me this morning that he hasn’t tried to make friends with any of the kids in his class because all the kids in his class are ugly.

Can I tell you how hard it was to hold back that frustration and disappointment? Now don’t get me wrong. I clearly remember getting angry with a friend back in first grade and telling her “Well you can’t come to my birthday party!” Now that was the ultimate insult. Whether I planned on inviting her or not, being told that you’re not invited to someone’s birthday party is an absolute diss! But to hear that negativity come out of his mouth seriously made me feel rather saddened and disappointed inside.

I really wasn’t quite sure how to respond to it. I calmly told him that was not a very good reason to not try to be friends with someone. Then the following conversation occurred:

Me: How would you feel if someone said “I don’t want to be friends with Middle Boy because he’s ugly.”
MB: I would feel sad.
Me: How do you know that some of those kids don’t want to be your friends?
MB: I don’t know.

I’ve talked to my future hubby about trying to talk to Middle Boy about this.

I completely understand being the new kid at school. I’ve been there both as a kid and an adult. I understand being shy. But I seriously have a hard time understanding this sort of negative and hurtful view. And lately it seems that Middle Boy is all about not giving a darn about other people’s feelings. I also can't tell if he just doesn't want to put forth the effort to try and make friends or if he's perhaps throwing his negative "I'm better than thou" attitude at these kids. Because if someone said and did the sort of things that he's been doing lately, I wouldn't want to be his friend either.

The other statement he said to me today included:

Me: So did you get to meet your teacher today? (His first day of school he had a sub.)
MB: Yes.
Me: What was she like? Is she nice?
MB: She’s almost fat.
Me: Oh Middle Boy, I hope that you didn’t say that out loud to anyone …Especially in front of her.
MB: I didn’t.

I’m sure there is a parenting book out there on it. If it was clearly labeled “How to work with the Middle Child of Divorce who is in the ‘I don’t care about other people’s feelings’ stage” then I’d be all set. But I don’t think that any publisher out there would be willing to publish that title.

I’m a little at a loss. I want to think that this is a normal stage for kids to go through. I want to think that there is a really simple and easy solution for this. But at the moment I’m really stumped at how to approach it. I’m Ms. Positive Attitude here. I’ve been doing really, really well with being Ms. Positive Attitude. But Ms. Positive Attitude is getting a little frustrated with Mr. Negative and Rude. And at the same time I’m wondering what other factors could be contributing to this attitude. If it’s something along with Middle Child Syndrome; if it’s something with being a child of divorce; if it has anything to do with the type of attitude that Jane has been an example of. Maybe it’s a combination of all of the above, or maybe not. Maybe this is just something every parent has to deal with once in a while when the right personality is unwound in a child.

Sometimes I think being an instant mom blows. My fiancé has been a parent for about 9 years … I’ve been a parent (and with Jane’s help I’ve had to become a main staple parent) for almost 12 months. [That’s right. My one year anniversary as an instant mom is coming up on September 14th.]

Does anyone want to get a martini with me and unwind?

June 2009 Wrap Up

I thought I’d give you some updates on things that I’ve mentioned in past blog entries.

Re: She Left Him Out Again – The issue of Jane wanting the two older boys to spend quality time with and not Younger Boy.

So Jane has two weekends planned with the two older boys. We suggested the three weekends to let her know that we did have at least three weekends available in case she had changed her mind about Younger Boy. As predicted, she in fact hadn’t thought her original request through. She didn’t know if she could get that much time off. Luckily for her, I did the thinking and planning for her. She even decided that our suggested weekends would work out best. And she informed us that her man will be watching the boy over the weekend.

The only issue I have with this is that I honestly don’t see her spending any quality time with the child that is over on the Saturday and Sunday. She works at Noon both days and has demonstrated on numerous occasions that she enjoys staying up late the night before playing online computer games and enjoys sleeping in to the point that she doesn’t send the boys off with a goodbye or anything when we’ve picked them up. I do hope that her man takes this time though to possibly take the effort to get to know the boys since he’s going to have at least a day and a morning with each of them.

My main hope for these weekends is that she’ll take some time to spend with the two older boys and not spend it on her computer the entire time.

Re: Turning On Light Switches – My latest health issue of having dirty corneas.

So as of my last visit in to the optometrist my eyes have not cleared up. In fact they seem to have gotten worse. My vision has cleared up a lot but the condition of my corneas has not. I had to throw out all the drops I had and get preservative-free eye drops. That was a pain. I’m really hoping thought that this works because I’m not excited about getting any of the procedures that they explained to me done to my eyes.

Plugs in parts of my eye functions or surgery just don’t appeal to me nor does it appeal to my pocket book. So please send some good thoughts my way for my eyes to naturally clear up. And I’ll try my best to remember to put drops in my eyes every hour. Not the easiest thing to remember … especially when I’m busy working on a big project or out and about.

Re: Give Me That Tragedy – My wedding planning.

Well, I’ve done it. I’ve found THE DRESS. I didn’t think I’d find it. Especially with all the bling and lace on the wedding dresses I saw. And I’ll tell you what; I was just not impressed with the 20 lb dress the lady had me literally dive into to try on. Twenty pounds of fabric just isn’t ideal to dance in, much less carry around for at least 5 hours for a wedding ceremony and reception. My ankles just aren’t built for that. He he. And of course, I have a sneak peek for you all because I have much love.

Imagine this dress in Ivory (Because White just isn’t my thing. I blame sorority for that.)