She Doesn’t Treat Them The Same

Some of you may remember from last year, but I got rather furious when I came to the realization that Jane only put effort into requesting the boys’ presence last year for her other son Trevor’s birthday. (For those that are new Jane had a new baby not too long after the divorce/I moved in. It’s been cause for some issues here and there.)

After talking with Jane’s sister Allison I came to the realization that not only was the effort made just for Trevor’s birthday but that this effort was made solely for Trevor. His birthday was yesterday, which was also my due date by the way but I’m still pretty preggo today.

Anyway, this year’s gripe/realization … I think it’s still pretty stupid that Jane doesn’t treat all her children the same. It’s beyond her constantly asking for the older boys and leaving Younger Boy out. She treats Trevor completely different from how she treats all three of the boys. For instance, she makes a big deal about making sure to take/request Trevor’s birthday off from work. Yet, we have to plan in advance just to try and get her to take time off to spend with the boys over summers, for holidays, etc. And she doesn’t even bother trying to take the day off from work for any of the boys’ birthdays. In face, we always have to prod her ahead of time to find out what her day off will be and when she plans on celebrating the boys’ birthdays.

I’m not as furious as I was last year. But it was most disappointing to come and realize that the injustice of how she treats all of her children is much more than I first though.

I’m glad that we at least treat them all the same when it comes to their birthdays, in additional to realizing that the way we celebrate may need some tweaking as they get older in age.

Baby Update: As you may have guessed I’m still pretty preggo. My due date was yesterday but I have a feeling that perhaps the baby didn’t want to share a birthday with Trevor … also that she’s probably about as stubborn as me so she’s going to come when she feels like it instead of when someone tells her too. Hopefully though, she’ll be considerate of my comfort level and will come sooner than later. I know it can’t possible by comfy in there considering she’s growing bigger each week. Here’s to hoping she’s not that stubborn.

I’d Had Enough

This is a follow up to this post in which I was frustrated with Jane not giving us an answer as to which days she would be taking the boys for their summer weeks with her. Jane was supposed to call FH as soon as she had gotten her schedule last Sunday. I told FH that I would bake a cake if she actually did. Needless to say there was no cake baking last week.

Around Thursday and Friday I had enough … specifically because the following week (this week) was one of the weeks that Jane had said she would possibly be taking them. I nagged (and oh how I nagged) FH to call her at least once a day until she either picked up the phone or called back. My theory was that if she wasn’t going to call us then we were going to irritate the living heck out of her until she called back to make it stop.

FH finally got a hold of her Saturday morning. As usual I sat nearby to quietly listen to the conversation. I have excellent hearing and can usually hear the other person on the other line, even if I’m not the one on the phone. The initial jist of the conversation was that Jane just couldn’t get any extra days off soon. Her job already had to rearrange her schedule so that her and her guy weren’t working the same shifts and basically they weren’t inclined to give her any more special treatment considering everyone else at her work was putting in requests for days off too. Thus, the phone call ended with the agreement that the boys would be seeing her for their usual dinner on Thursday and no other summer dates were agreed upon.

Which led to this conversation:
Me: Does she have the dates I wrote down for her?
FH: Yes.
Me: Can she not find them or is it probably she’s just too lazy to go look for them?
FH: She’s probably just being lazy.

FH asked if he ought to call her mom, Jolie, about having the boys over for Jane’s time. My answer was “No, they’re her kids and this is her responsibility.”

Which is the point that I had had enough of the bull poop. I dug in my purse and pulled out the list of dates in which I left details of which boy was available on which days to go over and spend time at her home. I told FH that he needed to call her back with these dates and get an answer from her (with the silent point that he wasn’t getting off the phone with her until something was decided upon. And I’m sure he knows I would have nagged him to call her back again if the deal wasn’t sealed.)

I’m happy to say that the task was at least accomplished. Jane and FH decided on dates that she would take the boys in August, with the plans that Jane would put in requests with work to get them off since they were far away enough that she just might get them off. Although it’s not the full two weeks, I will be happy that’s she’s taking Younger Boy for a weekend and Middle and Older Boy for a week. That’s better than nothing, right?

Now we’ll just have to wait and see if it actually happens, or if she pulls what she did last year and cancel and not attempt to reschedule.

I Have No Sympathy For Her

So I couldn’t find the post about how after the bullshit that Jane pulled this past Christmas we drafted up a Holiday Schedule (since one hadn’t been established at the time of their divorce.) But if some of you remember we did. And in that both FH and Jane signed off that the boys would spend two weeks with Jane during the summer at some point.

Being the organized person I am I looked through the boys’ summer schedule and made a list of weeks that would work for them. Due to the various summer camps there is only one week that all three of them are available. However, due to the fact that Jane and her man only have one car that fits 5 people and that they’re already taking up 3 of those chairs it would be easier to send 2 of the boys over anyway.

Some of you may remember how last summer Jane left Younger Boy out and only wanted the two older boys over. Well, in my planning I made sure to detail which of the boys were available and when to try and prevent that from happening again.

FH brought the list over and Jane mentioned that two of the weeks seemed appealing to her. One week she would have Younger Boy and Older Boy near the beginning of summer and then one week she would have Middle Boy at the end of summer. This was apparently all pending on her man’s possible new work schedule.

FH reported to me that Jane hadn’t quite answered our question of what weeks she would be taking the boys because her man would be going back to school (Good for him I guess) and would be working Wednesday through Sunday. Which would leave Monday and Tuesday open (if she has the days off from work.)

A bit flustered I asked FH what that meant and he replied that he didn’t know because Jane was playing the “Poor me I have to pay bills and stuff now” card. Except, I didn’t care about her new responsibilities that as an adult and a mother she ought to be partaking in anyway and I wanted to know what days she’ll be taking the boys for their summer days with her.

One thing that still irks me the most is feeling that I can’t make any plans for myself or my family because she’s not responsible enough to ask for time off to spend with her children. If I thought it would help matters I’d ask her myself so that she couldn’t give any of her “beat around the bush” reasons that FH tends to just take from her. But I know better thus I will allow FH to be the one to get the information.

And because I don’t care anymore I’m pretty set on just blocking out those two weeks she said appealed most to her and planning around them. That way if she at least takes them for the Sunday evening through Tuesday evening they’ll already be blocked out.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about the boys spending time with their mother. In fact, if it hadn’t been for my pushing she probably wouldn’t be seeing them the once a week for 2 hours as long as she doesn’t cancel as it is. But with a baby on the way, a new part-time business, my own family to look out for and care for, and summer plans to be made I have no sympathy for the woman who doesn’t put effort into trying to see her kids unless we literally call her up and tell her she needs to take them for “this weekend” or “that weekend.” We gave her multiple weeks through out the summer. She’ll just have to pick which ones she wants us to block off and we’ll go from there.

Besides, the boys themselves have a list of all kinds of things they too would like to do this summer. Including spending time with friends and visiting with other relatives. It's not like I can tell them "Oh sorry honey, you can't make any plans until your mother figures it out."

So I Wrinkled My Nose

Remember the great lengths Jane went to with the lies and manipulation attempts to make sure the boys were with her for Christmas (all day) for her aunt who has leukemia but has currently been in remission for the past year?

Well, we asked her which days she would like the boys over their winter break. You know, since they’re not in school for two weeks. She didn’t want them any extra days outside of her once-a-week day with them.

So despite the fact that the boys are available for days of overnight visiting – they’re going to see her 7pm Sunday night until 8pm Monday night both weeks of their winter break … with the exception of Christmas Eve evening to the morning of that following Saturday.

I guess all day Christmas Day kind of evens it out. But I’m not going to lie. My irritation this time has some selfish fueling in wanting to have some quiet work days without three children doing the children things they do. Trust me when I say it’s much easier to do my job when there isn’t fighting and arguing and crying occurring. But, considering I survived summer vacation I guess I can make it through winter break especially since they’re both short work weeks.

When FH told me she didn’t want any extra days with them I could have gotten all angry and frustrated. But no, I merely wrinkled my nose in slight disgust. I touched upon how interesting it was that she was all hot heated because she wasn’t getting her 40% of the time and here she was not even trying to get them any of the extra days when there wasn’t someone else benefiting from the boys presence (her aunt for Christmas and her son for the birthday party) and dismissed it with a “Whatever. Her loss.”

That’s big progress on my end on keeping my anger and frustration under control ... in my opinion.

I hope you all have a fun and happy holiday season with your families!

Actions Cause Reactions

My Editorial Directior had a post it on her desk that said “Actions Cause Reactions.” It had become my mantra almost two years ago when I had first noticed it. It helped when it came to dealing with a lot of difficult people both in and out of the workplace. It has continued to be my mantra into my new life as an instant mother in a new family.

I’ve decided to look at “this” in a whole new light.

First off – I’ve concluded that I got so heated because Jane lied and tried to manipulate. There’s nothing I dislike more than a liar and a manipulator. Generally I cut those types of people out of my life because I have no room for those types of people. However, considering I signed myself up to participate in the packaged deal – She’s the fine writing at the bottom. Damn – Right?

So that brings me to this other saying I’ve learned throughout life to embrace over the years.

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”
– Maya Angelou

And I’ve come to realize that I can’t change Jane. But I can control how I see and perceive things. So my new perspective on this Christmas is that FH and I will be able to spend our first holiday together with each other.

I’m going to embrace the opportunity to spend a special day with the loving, wonderful man I have given my love and trust to. We will get to spend time with the boys later, and I’m OK with that. But in the mean time I will cherish and take advantage of the opportunity to sit back with FH and a cup of wine and enjoy some time together – Just the two of us (and the cat).

Let The Holiday Festivities Begin!

This last weekend FH and I decided we should get into the swing of celebrating the holidays. Saturday FH took the two older boys out to pick out a Christmas tree. It’s cute and small and doesn’t overpower our apartment.

Last year we had to get a small tree to put up high on a table because Fat Cat is notorious for trying to climb Christmas trees. This year we got another small tree, but Nasty Cat is the only cat we have to keep an eye on since Fat Cat went back to live with my parents.

In following tradition with last year we brought home ornaments for the boys to decorate. At the moment all of the ornaments we have are the ones that we have made either here as a family or that the boys have made at school. Considering it’s a small tree our homemade ornaments fill it up quite nice. This year we brought home wooden stars for the boys to paint. Then we posted a photo of them from this year and put their name and the year on the back.

We also picked out a new patch for our stockings – Another tradition that we started last year. Since Jane had all of their stockings and my personal stocking is with my parents we thought it might be a nice idea to get new stockings for everyone and to put a patch each year. In my opinion they’re all really cute and I think the boys like being able to help decorate and choose what they would like on theirs. This year I added a sparkly martini glass patch to mine.

And we started one more new tradition. This year we decorated a gingerbread house. When I was little my sister and I would get to help decorate one with my dad and from what I remember it was a lot of fun. The boys hadn’t had the opportunity and both FH and I thought that they’d like to do one. I looked up a couple of recipes and finally decided that it wouldn’t hurt anyone to by a pre-made kit.

So last night the boys all took turns working together to put decorations on the house. It was really nice to see that the three of them were able to take turns and decide upon designs together. It was a refreshing moment from the usual bickering. FH even got in on the action by placing one gum drop on the roof, while I was the mistress of the icing.

Although as much fun as the boys had decorating I think their favorite part was when we were done and I let them lick up some of the frosting that I put on a plate.

Have any of you created any new traditions to do as a new family? I’m curious to see what other things blended families do together to create new holiday traditions.

And some holiday photos for your viewing enjoyment!

Middle Boy painting his ornament:


Our tree:


The finished gingerbread house:


And by popular demand! Stockings!


Last year's patches were the fish. This year he wanted the owl.


And mine! Last years were my purple flowers. This year the sparkly martini glass which FH found for me. I was going to get some ladybugs but FH found the perfect patch!

My First Official Mother's Day

We’ve unintentionally started a Mother’s Day tradition. As our story goes, I first met the boys last year on Mother’s Day. We had brunch together at a favorite local restaurant and then went to the park to play. Whether it’s coincidental or ironic that I met them on Mother’s Day who knows, but I find it special. This year was the same in going to brunch and then playing at a park afterward, except that we also included my Grandma in on the brunch this year. My mom would have been there too except she was super sick this last weekend.

Actually, I was rather nervous about Mother’s Day this year. As we do every month I drew up the Visitation Schedule for the month of May. Jane hadn't said anything about wanting them for Mother’s Day. And knowing her schedule I didn’t know if she was going to try to get Sunday off or not. So I drafted it with the usual Thursday night dinners and one overnight Friday. She didn’t say anything and she signed it as usual. I was kind of anxious and stressed the whole week before Mother’s Day weekend. By that Sunday I had told my mom to go ahead and finalize reservations for brunch. I waited anxiously for Jane to call with the demands for them.

She never called. I didn’t know if her guy was going to do anything for her for Mother’s Day so I went ahead and got her a card when I was getting Mother’s Day cards for everyone else. I even printed out a photo of the boys from our Family/Engagement photo shoot for her (mainly because I had printed one out for her mom Jolie and I didn’t want to risk any drama of ‘Where is my photo?” from her). I had the boys write a message to her and sign their names. For Younger Boy’s signature I had him paint on his 3-year-old sized handprint and neatly wrote his name underneath it. He enjoyed it because 1) he got to choose which colors for each card and 2) he got to finger paint at the same time.

I was kind of proud of myself for including both Jane and Jolie in my round of purchasing Mother’s Day cards. I considered trying to find a craft kit so the boys could make them something but I wasn’t too impressed with any of the kits Target had that day. I figured having the boys draw photos and writing them a note and printing out a newer photo of the three of them would suffice. That and I didn't want to spend any of my hard earned money on something for her that she wasn't going to appreciate. I don’t know if Jane really gave a darn or not. According to my fiancé she didn’t get anything last year. But I’m going to pretend that she was thrilled to get a card from the boys and thankful to have an up-to-date photo of them and a chance to spend time with them. (Even if she did spend the evening playing online games according to Older Boy, but that's a different rant.)

On to my first official Mother’s Day experience – I really enjoyed it. I felt really special. Middle Boy made me a card at school and Older Boy drew me a hand-made card. And I about cried when Middle Boy came running up with a big hug later on that evening and said “You’re the best Mom ever!”

I’m also very thankful that Mother’s Day went off without any drama from Jane. Although, as usual, I kind of wondered if she cared of not about the holiday, but I’m learning not to wonder so much about whether or not she cares. She either truly doesn’t care, or she cares a little but not really, or she does care and she’s stewing but she doesn’t care enough to do anything about it. I just try to stay three steps ahead for the boys’ sake. I figure that as long as they are happy and felt like they were able to celebrate both their moms then I can be happy. And with all the love they sent my way I felt like I’m doing a good job at this instant mom position. It washed over me in a relaxing and therapeutic balm, and I felt a little more confident (even if it was for the moment) that I’m going to be OK at this.

Even the cats were pretty nice to me on Mother’s Day. They let me sleep in a little later. They didn’t yell at me to feed them, like they usually do, and actually showed that they had some patience. All in all, we had a great and drama-free Mother’s Day.

Me Against The Green Fuzz

Whoa, has it been a whirlwind of a week. I’ve been trying to figure out just what to write about, as there is so much to write about.

I thought about venting about how we had to gently remind the kids of things they had forgotten after being at Jane’s for five days. In short, Younger Boy forgot how to use the bathroom for about a day and a half, Middle Boy forgot how to listen, and Older Boy forgot about the meaning of “being responsible for your things.” All, of which, have been re-established within the last three to four days.

I thought about sharing about Middle Boy’s last minute birthday party so that my almost-in-laws could attend. In short, my family and my fiancé’s family all met, got along well, and all fears of religious arguments (his mom is Mormon, the rest of his family isn’t very religious, my family was brought up Roman Catholic, yet now are more WBF Catholics (Wedding-Baptism-Funeral Catholics) and We-have-our-own-spiritual-ideas people.

I even considered venting about how during the party my almost-Mother-In-Law looked me square in the eye and said, “You know Crys, my boy didn’t start drinking until he met you…..We have alcoholism in our family….please keep an eye on him.” In short, I was proud of myself for holding my tongue and note telling her exactly how responsible and moderately her son does drink compared to the binge drinking I saw in college. I answered with a “He’s actually very responsible, doesn’t drink often, and I have alcoholism in my family too so we actually do make sure to be responsible about our drinking habits.” By that I mean I do enjoy a drink now and then; and a beer after a very hard day of work. We are, however, having a kid-free birthday bash in which I plan on getting pretty happy off of my champagne punch recipe.

But what I really want to tell you about is the green fuzz. And by “green fuzz” I mean “mold” on my window sills.

My apartment complex believes in using single-pane windows. And lately, it’s been cold. Not Michigan Winter Cold, but Northern California Cold so about 40 degrees Fahrenheit at the average cold. I put up thermal curtains to keep the cold out and the warmth in. Back to those single-pane windows, they participate in condensation like they’re getting paid by the hour to do it. Nestled behind those wonderful curtains caused a wonderful little Biology mold-growing experiment on the window sills and all around the side of the window. Well, I have asthma, and in addition to the kids being sick, I about freaked out.

My fiancé went down to the office to say something and instead got a 5-minute spiel about how “The entire complex experiences this” and even received tips on how to deal with it and prevent it. I told him that they either have this special spiel memorized, have already recited it quite a bit since the Northern California Cold set in, or a combination of the both.

I spent last night defending my family from the mold. I really needed a mask or something, but I did pull on the blue washing gloves. I also had to stop at some point because it was making my lungs hurt. It wasn't a major occupation of green fuzz, but a light sprinkling of it. Still, it sucked.

I did do a bit of research on natural remedies to kill and prevent mold. With all of us and the cats in the house, I didn’t want really harmful or strong chemicals flowing through our respiratory systems, especially since it was night time. Instead, I opted to use straight vinegar with some lavender essential oil mixed in. I highly recommend it if you ever need to fight off mold. It killed it, removed it, and the lavender oil helped subdue the bitter scent of vinegar.

Now my single-pane windows no longer have the curtains up. Those are being washed as I figure out a Mold-Free Prevention Plan of action against the green fuzz. I’m still debating whether to put them back up or not. I’m thinking of keeping them up in the bedrooms, but since the windows in the living room are a pain in my rear, I’m considering just freezing in the morning while I work and waiting for it to warm up by afternoon time.

As for my Mold-Free Prevention Plan, I’m really not excited about getting to wipe down windows that seem to drip with water and condensation all day long. I’m also not keen on getting to clean my windows with my vinegar lavender solution everyday in effort to keep it clean and mold-free. However, for my families’ health, I’ll do it.

So, does anyone have any experience in keeping windows dry?

Holiday Ramblings

This is my first year sharing a holiday. And I don’t mean with Jane, as she thus far is the least of my holiday issues. No, I’m talking about sharing the holiday with my fiancé’s family. It’s also my first year having children to consider gifts and what not for. And I must admit, it’s a bit more stressful now that I’m living it.

Financial Stacking Tricks
My fiancé and I are paying for our monthly bills/loans; providing for a family of five; trying to find presents for our families; and provide all the holiday cheer for our own family. It probably doesn’t help matters much that we’re also trying to pay for a wedding on top of the holiday spending. Plus, have I even mentioned that Middle Boy’s, my fiancé’s and my birthday are all in a row about a week and a half after Christmas? Because they are! Oh My!

That’s not even the icing on the cake. It’s a pretty good icing base, as the financial issue is the biggest of my problem, so far at least. And I’m hoping it remains that way. No, I’m still plotting our Christmas Day marathon in my head. Have I mentioned that I’ve never had to split a holiday between families before.

Holiday Tap Dances And Cooking Talents
Thanksgiving was a pretty good starter. And I’m hoping that Christmas Day will go along the same lines. The main issue I’m having is that I just don’t have all of the details yet. And by “details” I mean that I don’t know what I’ll be expected to bring food wise for either of the feasts yet. I’m trying to fit in cooking time. Traditionally, I make a bunch of my homemade French apple pies and give them out to extended family. It’s a tradition that I’d really like to keep going as this is really one of the few chances I get to see the people that I give the pies too.

Thanksgiving I came down to the line as I like to prepare things the night before and then throw them together the day off so that they’re hot, fresh and delicious. Not wilted or soaked through. I need details people!!! Perhaps I’m far too organized and structured for my own good.

At work I had a giant wall calendar with color coded deadlines on it. I also had post-it notes on the calendar for things that didn’t have a set deadline but really ought to get done. That and I had great satisfaction in taking the post-it note down when I was through with a task. The point is that I’m trying to plan things out and organize them without the details. And it’s driving me up the wall.

Making Christmas
Whew … let’s jump to presents. I’m really all about getting useful gifts. Now, I remember wanting the most useless toys, and I got a few of them. We had the boys write out lists for things they wanted (that weren’t video games). They wrote some nice little lists. They’re each getting one things off of that list. But man, there are quite a few simple things that they didn’t quite ask for that they’re getting too. Like warm, winter clothes! I feel like a jerk, but now have a new appreciation for my parents.

I remember the socks I got each year. I knew they were coming, and I didn’t hate getting them as those socks got put to good use, specifically the slippery socks that we slid across our hardwood floors in. Now, as a parent, I see why I got winter socks each Christmas.

Sharing Me
I also am still getting used to spending/sharing my time with another person. It was a big deal moving in with a boyfriend, and now that he’s my future hubby, that’s a whole new reality check I’m dealing with. And now I'm expected to also go over to spend time with his family. Not that I can’t do it, and I do enjoy spending time with his family. It’s just a new concept to balance out.

I’ll make it through. Perhaps not completely sane, but I’ll figure it out. I, at least, have that much faith in me.