She Doesn’t Treat Them The Same

Some of you may remember from last year, but I got rather furious when I came to the realization that Jane only put effort into requesting the boys’ presence last year for her other son Trevor’s birthday. (For those that are new Jane had a new baby not too long after the divorce/I moved in. It’s been cause for some issues here and there.)

After talking with Jane’s sister Allison I came to the realization that not only was the effort made just for Trevor’s birthday but that this effort was made solely for Trevor. His birthday was yesterday, which was also my due date by the way but I’m still pretty preggo today.

Anyway, this year’s gripe/realization … I think it’s still pretty stupid that Jane doesn’t treat all her children the same. It’s beyond her constantly asking for the older boys and leaving Younger Boy out. She treats Trevor completely different from how she treats all three of the boys. For instance, she makes a big deal about making sure to take/request Trevor’s birthday off from work. Yet, we have to plan in advance just to try and get her to take time off to spend with the boys over summers, for holidays, etc. And she doesn’t even bother trying to take the day off from work for any of the boys’ birthdays. In face, we always have to prod her ahead of time to find out what her day off will be and when she plans on celebrating the boys’ birthdays.

I’m not as furious as I was last year. But it was most disappointing to come and realize that the injustice of how she treats all of her children is much more than I first though.

I’m glad that we at least treat them all the same when it comes to their birthdays, in additional to realizing that the way we celebrate may need some tweaking as they get older in age.

Baby Update: As you may have guessed I’m still pretty preggo. My due date was yesterday but I have a feeling that perhaps the baby didn’t want to share a birthday with Trevor … also that she’s probably about as stubborn as me so she’s going to come when she feels like it instead of when someone tells her too. Hopefully though, she’ll be considerate of my comfort level and will come sooner than later. I know it can’t possible by comfy in there considering she’s growing bigger each week. Here’s to hoping she’s not that stubborn.

Dousing the Anger - What I'm Thankful For

There are so many words I could use for the way I felt tonight after Jane’s latest actions of demanding the children for Christmas day with lies, manipulation and rubbish. A few of them could be anger, fury, wrath, disgust, resentment, etc. It was at the point where I was really getting angry with everyone. I was also angry with FH because it seemed that he was willing to just give in to her demand and temper tantrum. I was angry with myself for letting myself get so angry in the first place. I have never known anger to be this raw and bitter and powerful before in my life. I didn’t know it was possible to feel all of this.

I sat here wanting to write to you all and ask if you ever had this moment where you just looked up and asked “What the heck am I doing in this mess?” or decided “Dammit! I’m done with this!” Anger does that I’ve discovered. It makes you not want to continue addressing your wedding invites because at the moment the bile in your stomach is threatening to rise at the thought of getting trapped in this situation for good.

So I decided I needed to figure out a way to douse the anger. I was looking for any way to let it go and to try and calm down. Writing it out, meditating, watching my favorite TV shows, and breathing exercises…Nothing seemed to put out the raging fire that had sprung up inside. I ended up talking to my best friend Summer and writing an e-mail to Allison (because she sent me one asking what was going on.) I calmed down, but I still could feel a flame just waiting for fuel to ignite and flare again.

So I decided that since I had calmed down this much what I needed to do was stop thinking about all the things that I was angry about. I had to stop fueling the anger inside because it was only continuing to poison my heart. So I decided that I need to focus on the positive things. And as hard as it is to not think about the things that have angered me – I need to just not do it. So I’d like to list the things I’m thankful for. If I can think about what my rays of sunshine are I hope to “get over it” for now at least.

• I’m thankful for a supportive family and supportive friends.
• I’m thankful for wine, Crown Royal, vanilla vodka and Kahlua.
• I’m thankful for cheesecake.
• I’m thankful for a nice hot cup of coffee.
• I’m thankful for a job, as chaotic as it can be; it is a paying job with benefits.
• I’m thankful for managers who are always looking out for me at work and helping to challenge me and teach me skills to advance in my career.
• I’m thankful for the ability to know that I am angry and that I can either choose to stay angry or I can choose to do something else.
• I’m thankful for the ability to choose to do something else.
• I’m thankful for Nasty Cat. He smells like stinky cat. He bugs me trying to be my shadow. He puts his nasty paws on my face when he wants me to wake up. But he also knows when I just need a little furry kitty to snuggle up next to me.
• I'm thankful to have the ability to choose whether or not I want to be in this situation.
• I’m thankful to have stumbled upon this circle of other mothers, stepmothers, fathers, stepfathers.
• I’m thankful that I’m not alone in the chaos of instant parenthood.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to be a positive influence in the boys’ lives.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to see their eyes light up when they discover something new.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to see them learn new things, to discover things about themselves and find their independence.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to give them good night hugs every night, and to wish them sweet dreams.
• I’m thankful that no matter how the morning goes they still wave goodbye to me when I drop them off at school.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to feel this kind of love for these child, even though the children aren't biologically mine.
• I’m thankful for the opportunity to choose to put their well being before my own wants and desires. It has by far been the most challenging thing but I’ve learned a lot about myself because I have done so.
• I’m thankful for FH – even if he sometimes drives me up the wall with his man ways.
• I’m thankful that our paths crossed again – even though it has drastically changed my life.
• I’m thankful that even though he may not always respond to me and my emotional outbursts the way I wish he would he is supportive and thankful and appreciative of me.
• I’m thankful to have a person that loves me unconditionally.
• I’m thankful to have found a person that I can honestly say that I love unconditionally.

I Think It’s Stupid

So I think this is one of those nights where I just need to get the thoughts out in order to let it go.

So for those that are kind of new, Jane had another baby last year with her new guy. The baby’s name is Trevor. And for those that might not know, we have the hardest time getting Jane to actually call us with her days off so that we can arrange the days that the boys will see her. She hardly ever asks for them, and it always feels like we have to force her to see them because she never shows any interest or puts any effort into seeing them.

Back to today, we still don’t have her days off for the next two to three weeks (which is what we get at a time from her the way her current shift manager does the schedule). She likes to leave her phone off, leave her phone behind, not answer her phone or just plain not call back. Even if there is a message left reminder her that we really need to find out the dates or that we have something important to tell her.

And today, something kind of lit up in my head about this week. Tuesday is Trevor’s first birthday party. Two or three weeks ago Jane asked if the boys could come to it. Well, I didn’t think anything of it until today. Because today it occurred to me that Jane didn’t ask for them for any of the holidays. I scheduled time for the boys to see her over the holidays. It occurred to me today that this is the first time really (outside of the occurrence for summer vacation time with the two older boys – here) that she’s actually put effort into asking for them.

To the point, and maybe I’ve worked myself into a fury for nothing, but it occurred to me that she put effort into seeing the boys because it was Trevor’s birthday party.

Am I making sense here?

I’ve gotten rather angry about it. Not super angry that I can’t think past it, but angry enough that I think she’s perhaps done an injustice to the boys. She can’t make the effort to call us with her days off to ensure that she sees them every week. She can’t make the effort to make sure that she can get any time to see them for holidays or their own birthdays. But she can make the effort to make sure that they can come to Trevor’s birthday party?

OK, I’ve said it (well, written it) out loud. So maybe she’ll prove me wrong now so that I can feel like a real bitch. But if still makes me pretty angry.

I’m not going to put any effort into wondering why. However, I am going to let it roll down my back and float away. I’ve come to the realization that in order to let it go I need to really feel the emotion and confront it. And once I’ve done so I can say “Eh, Que Sera Sera.”

So I feel a lot better now that I’ve written it. I’m not stewing over it. I feel lighter.

But I still think it’s stupid that she hasn’t called us back with her days off.

Wishing And Hoping For Jane

I’m Back!!!! Michigan was amazing! And crazy! And oh do I have stories and photos to prove it. I also found that a male gives the best ever pedicures and manicures. Every mom definitely deserves to sit in one of those sweet massage chairs and get pampered once in a while. I was long over due. My mini-vacation was definitely some good quality me-time.

September 15th was my official one year anniversary as an instant mom. Whoa. Where did the time go? I thought about writing a big old reflecting entry, but Jane has messed up that. So instead I will share a couple of random introspective thoughts I had on the plane ride back, and then get the “Wishing and Hoping” out of my system.

After a year of being an instant mom:

*I find that I crave for silence and peace and calm whenever I can get it. Whether that be having my fiancé drop me off at Starbucks so I can sit there at a table surrounded by calm. Sitting in the house petting Nasty Cat while soaking in the quiet and still moment when my fiancé is at work, Younger Boy is napping and Older and Middle Boy are at school. I used to wish for companionship and how I just want some quiet and calm time to myself. Even if it’s just 5 minutes – I’ll take it!

*I find that not giving in to frustration is amazing. As an example: The boys started out wanting T*co B*ll over homemade enchiladas. And now they guzzle up homemade egg drop soup and clam marinara sauce over pasta. And that all happened in less than a year. Who would have thought!

*It feels nice to hear the boys refer to us as “my family.” I lowered my expectations of what to expect from the boys and their acceptance of me and our lives together have soared past it. I about cried at my homemade Mother’s Day photo. And having Middle Boy run up to me to give me a hug when I picked him up from their school and after-school program … it was seriously one of the happiest and vivid moments I’ve ever experienced.

*I’m thankful that I have friends who have been children of divorce who have been more than willing to help give me advice and share their experiences with me. Having parents that have been married for 30 years now doesn’t exactly help me relate to a child of divorce. And although I know that everyone’s experience is different, I take in any education and knowledge that I can get. And I am thankful for the opportunity to gain it.

*I am very thankful for all the support I have had and still have as an instant mom. I’m thankful for my fiancé, my parents, my family, my friends and of course all of you other moms and stepmoms. I know there is still a very long road ahead of me, but being able to make it through this first year helps me feel more secure in my new life. Back in college a friend once told me “Your friends believe in you Crys, But you have to believe in you too.” And I do believe in me, but having others believe in me too has helped a lot when the going gets tough.

Hoping and Wishing
Tonight was one of the nights that we brought the boys over to see Jane. We tried to slip in an extra day for her to spend with the boys this weekend. My fiancé called me up to tell me that the extra Saturday didn’t look like it was going to work because Jane had a meeting for a fish society that she belonged too. Then he told me that she was thinking of maybe bringing the two older boys with her.

Well, first my blood boiled because she was again leaving out Younger Boy. Then my heart rate jumped a notch when I thought about it some more – A fish society meeting as your day to spend with your children? Now I work in the pet industry … with includes exotics like fish. I’ve also been to many other niche related meeting. I’ve sat through a veterinary presentation for small mammals, I’ve sat through a bird behavior presentation, and sorority meetings. I’ve sat through all kinds of editors and internet related meetings. And seriously, a meeting where business is being conducted or a presenter is trying to teach something (unless it's directed for and created for children) is not a place for children. It also isn’t the place to spend quality time with your children, in my opinion at least.

I honestly didn’t know what angered me more; the fact that she was leaving Younger Boy out again or that she wasn’t putting the kids best interest first. Because I can tell you now that unless there is a TV or video game on those two boys cannot sit still and focus on something they have no interest in. Luckily, Jane checked her fish society’s website and found out that the meeting had been rescheduled so all three of the boys get to spend some time with her that day after all.

And here it is. My wishing and hoping are that Jane will get a clue and put her children first one day. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, it doesn’t even have to be next month. But I just hope that for her sake, and for theirs, that one of these days she’ll put effort into spending a good quality day with them doing stuff with them because she wants to, and not just because she has to.

That is a wish and a hope that I have for her after my first year experience as an instant mom.

Learning Not To Take It Too Personally

This is something that has been on my mind about sharing from our vacation. Part of our trip we spent up in Oregon at my fiancé’s parent’s house. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my almost mother-in-law. From the experience of having my dad’s mom live with us for a couple of months, and my friend’s crazy mother-in-law stories I am, In fact, ever so thankful that she is my almost mother-in-law. However, just as any mother does, she says things that really get under my skin at times.

I’m proud to say that I held my tongue on the “going all crazy on her” part and made a respectable “reason and logic” response to her in my reactions. My editorial director has a post-it note on her desk that said “Actions cause Reactions” and I have always kept that in my mind.

Incident One – You’re Too Hard On Them.
I believe we had just arrived after the long drive up to the middle of no where Oregon. Older Boy, who had gone up with FH’s sister, and their cousins were already in the pool. Middle Boy and Younger Boy of course wanted to join them. I asked FH to go get their swimming trunks. FH’s mother and sister were encouraging the boys to jump into the pool with their underwear on. Although a washer and dryer were available, I’ve been trying to teach the boys patience and insisted they wait until FH brought the swimming trunks out. I also very much wanted them to put sun block on before they got wet. Specifically Middle Boy who is about as fair as a piece of notebook paper.

“Just let them get in. You’re too hard on them,” FH’s mother said to me.

At this point I was really tired, and exhausted and a bit cranky. And frankly was in no mood to be undermined in front of the boys. However, I’m rather used to being told that I need to lighten up and I kept a stretched and tired smile on my face as I responded with, “Maybe so, but they need to learn to be patient. If I’m not consistent in what I expect of them then they’re not going to learn.”

With that said, Middle Boy and Younger Boy waited to put on their swimming trunks and sunscreen before they got in the pool. It’s frustrating to me when I ask them to do one thing and then an extended family member tells them “No it’s ok, do it like this.” They more of less look confused and don’t act until they’ve interpreted my reaction or permission.

Incident Two – You’ve Almost Taken Off A Few Times Already
I really couldn’t tell you what the conversation was about that this lovely statement occurred. I just remember the statement because it took every ounce of strength in me not to stand up and leave the room. The tone she used too was what really did it for me. I believe that the conversation was along the lines of FH’s mom telling me how happy she was that we’re a family, and that she hoped that I knew how important my presence was or something. All I really heard next was “Because you’ve almost taken off a few times already.”

The statement felt more like a red hot poker, and my temper flared. I felt the heat rising to my face. What I wanted to say was “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I instead said nothing and just looked at her and raised an eyebrow.

I know that in the very beginning last year I told FH that if he didn’t start standing up to Jane then I was going to move out because I would be damned if I bent over backward to serve her every need and want.

I also know that there has been a moment or two when I was so incredibly angry that I walked out of the house, jumped in my car and took a drive. Mainly because if I didn’t walk away I would have said something I would regret saying, and I needed time to calm down and figure out just what I was so angry about.

But both those times, I never said that I was leaving the relationship or the family. I never said that I was quitting. I never said that I was out of here. I’ve thought “What the hell am I doing?” but I’ve never thought “OMG, I can’t take this anymore. I’m out of here.”

With my experience in customer service, I swallowed it down. After the initial shock of it passed and it rolled down my shoulder I changed to subject of the conversation. Heck, I really don’t remember what to. I obviously didn’t completely let it go. I’ve harbored it in (until my vent now) but it was one of those things that really just got under my skin.

So learning not to take it personally, whether it is intended to be a personal or not personal statement, is my next feat that I have decided I ought to be working on. I’ve had quite a bit of experience with it from Jane and the boys. Heck, even my own mother has given me a run for my money. But it is by far, not the easiest thing. I worked at it pretty good in the office. In the office letting it roll over my shoulder and not taking it personally was cake. Now if only I could transfer that to my home life.

She Left Him Out Again

So remember how Jane wants to have each of the boys over for an individual week during the summer? Well I found out that my fiancé left out a vital detail when he first relayed her request. She specifically asked for time with the two OLDER boys. She doesn’t want Younger Boy out to spend one-on-one time with her.

Can I tell you how enraged I was when I found that out last night? Can I tell you how much my heart ached for Younger Boy? In case you missed it or need a reminder – this isn’t the first time she’s left Younger Boy out. I’ve noticed this trend that when she’s asking for the boys she often does ask for the older two.

I don’t get why she doesn’t want him this time though. He’s fully potty-trained. Unless he still manipulates her into thinking that he’s not. Another reason I can think of is maybe she just doesn’t want to deal with him being mean to her man. I found out that not only does Younger Boy not listen to him, but he also chucks Thomas & Friends toys at him. She also has mentioned that Younger Boy has at times had baby envy when it comes to her baby. (Can you really blame him? She left when he was two and a baby himself? And now there is this new baby that gets the little attention she's willing to give out?) And she lets him and doesn’t really do a whole lot to prevent or change this behavior. Heck, she’s not even paying attention to him half the time that he’s over there.

Anyway, I’m trying to figure this out. I’m not going to force him upon her for a whole weekend if she doesn’t want him there. That just sounds like a lose-lose situation to me. She’ll be not pleased and thus the result may end up in him feeling totally like crap. Also, I don’t want Middle Boy rubbing it in his face that they’re going to be spending extra one-on-one time with her. Because, trust me, he will. Intentionally to be competitive and unintentionally not realizing that Younger Boy really won’t get a chance.

The easy quick fix solution is not to tell any of them about these arrangements and to perhaps kind of last minute surprise them with it. Middle Boy is notorious for rubbing in anyone that will listens the fact that he’s going to spend time with Jane ... especially when Younger Boy isn’t going to be able to – Even when we ask him not to do so. Younger Boy may be 3 (almost four) but he’s not stupid. He’s not unintelligent. He catches on to these things. And he gets sad.

The long term thing I’m worried about is how to explain it to the boys. How do we explain to Older Boy and Middle Boy that Jane didn’t want Younger Boy to come stay with her? And when he gets old enough to realize that he didn’t get to go have special one-on-one time with her but his brothers did, how the hell do we tell Younger Boy the reasoning behind that? I’m sure as hell not taking any falls for her or lying for her or taking extra effort to mask her selfishness. But I’m not about to be bluntly honest and say “She didn’t want you to come.”

So I only have to worry about half of that long term thing I guess for right now. Because Older Boy and Middle Boy are old enough to realize that Younger Boy isn’t going to get this special time with her. Do we leave that unsaid? Because Older Boy will ask … and he’ll connect … and he’s the one that asks those rough but honest questions that you don’t quite now how to answer because you can't be that bluntly honest in this situation. If anything he’s the only one we’d probably have to explain things too … he’s the one that will really remember. And I really hate being in the position where we might have to reveal his mother’s true colors to him …especially at the age of nine.

I’m seriously most disappointed this time and angry at her. Seriously, what the hell is her problem? I can understand wanting to get some one-on-one time with each of the boys, but I don’t understand excluding one of them … Especially the baby of the bunch.

She Actually Made A Decision

I really should know better then to be disappointed in Jane’s decisions. Thursday is her day with them. Well, yesterday morning I found out that my almost nephew was having a birthday party later that evening. My fiancé called me up to let me know. I thought the best course of action might be to see if Jane might be willing to drive out here earlier and have an early dinner with the boys and then we could pick them up a little later. She would still get the same amount of hours with them, and I was kind of hoping that by making her come out here she would be forced to actually pay attention to them.

Basically I didn’t want to call in a big favor to her. I didn’t want to give her the opportunity to later down the road say “You didn’t give me the chance to see my boys.” I also wanted to make her make a decision herself without referring to her favorite “It’s up to the boys.” I wanted her to be an adult.

She didn’t exactly take my bait at all. Instead she took the easy way out. She decided that she didn’t need to see the boys that day. I didn’t know if she thought she was doing them some really grand gesture by not seeing them or what. But it disappointed me that she didn’t to put effort to see them. It’s not like we live too far apart. And the traffic from there to here is much less hectic than the traffic from here to there. She just makes me so mad that she makes no effort to be a part of their lives. What the hell does she think she’s doing? She’s not doing them any favors with her actions. She really isn’t.

I’ve stopped telling the boys which days they’re supposed to see her now. We have the calendar that she signed, and they know that they’ll get to go and visit her. But I’m just so tired of having to find some nice way to tell them when she decides not to see them. I don’t enjoy getting their hopes up only to tell them later that “No, Jane decided that she can’t see you today.”

Man she makes me mad. Doesn’t she care that she’s hurting their feelings? That she makes them feel like crap? I can’t even imagine what it is that they’re thinking. I think that Older Boy is the only one who has really grasped that “My mom doesn’t give a damn about me.” You can tell by the look on his face when we have to sugar up whatever excuse she gave us about why she can’t see them this week. When they do find out that they’re going to see her they start brainstorming all the latest accomplishments and achievements they’ve done that they can share with her. I seriously hope that she at least pretends to be excited for them. Because she’s rather indifferent and seems to not give a damn about any of it when FH gives her an update of what the boys have been up to. Not that I want her to lie and put on a false face for them, but she could at least try to want to be involved and care about what they care about.

I almost wish that she had just said “No, I’d like to see my sons today.” Then we could have just brought them to her house, and it would have sucked that they would have missed their cousin’s birthday but they didn’t know about it anyway. Instead, they just knew that they were going to their cousin’s birthday and had no clue that they were supposed to see Jane.

It’s rather confusing and frustrating to me. I don’t enjoy keeping things from the boys. I’d like to be able to confidently say “Yes you’re going to go see Jane today” or “Yes you’re going to your cousin’s birthday party tomorrow” or even “You’re going to see Jane and then we’re going to get you and go to your cousin’s birthday.” But I don’t know what else to do. I’ve seen them disappointed and let down so many times already. I guess I should be happy that she at least made a decision and didn’t try to phone it in and leave it up to the boys. Right?

An Un-Nerving Night

It was un-nerving. Yesterday my fiancé picked the boys up from Jane’s (It was her weekly evening time with them). They got in the car and Younger Boy had an entirely different outfit on. He left wearing khaki shorts and a black graphic T-shirt. He came back wearing pajama shorts and a red T-shirt. I looked at my fiancé in question.

FH: She said that she did it because she was looking at the small cuts on the inside of his feet.

My gut soured at the blatant lie. I turned to Older Boy to ask if Younger Boy had spilled something on his clothes or had asked for a bath. The answer was “No.” I managed to keep my thoughts to myself the entire ride home. But my thoughts were indeed swirling around.

Was she plotting something? Was she looking for some sign of child abuse? Did she do something to him? What was she asking? What was she saying? Had she completely lost her mind? Did she actually think that we would buy that lie or did she think she was just that crafty? Maybe she just didn’t give a damn what we thought. What the hell is she up to?

All I know is that you don’t need to remove an entire outfit on a toddler to inspect small cuts on the inside of his feet, especially when he was wearing sandals. And I can already tell you that they’re grass cuts or small cuts from running around in the sprinklers on Memorial Day weekend.

FH and I talked about it. Should he confront her and ask if there was an issue she wanted to discuss? What was she up to? Was this just some weird quirk on her part or did she indeed have an agenda? And if so what would that agenda be? She sure as hell hasn’t shown any interest in the boys’ lives outside of what the courts expected of her, or wanting to really be a part in their lives, much less in having them stay with her. She hadn’t mentioned anything.

I got really angry. She’s hurt those boys so much, and she’s only continued to cause them pain with her indifference toward their achievements and lack of effort in wanting to spend time with them. I don’t know what she’s up to, if she’s up to anything. But whatever it is I hope like heck that it’s not going to hurt them further.

And then I got angry that she lied. It was such a ridiculous obvious lie. Why didn't she just ask if we had seen them or what they were from? We could have given her an answer. The one thing that I really dislike is lying. And her lie was by far ridiculous.

I woke up this morning feeling a little better. But I had a talk with Allison to see if she had heard anything. She hadn’t. And she about had the same reaction as I did.

So I’m trying not to dwell on it. I’m not going to stress myself out because of her actions, but I’m definitely not going to let it be forgotten. I’ve definitely made a mental note of it.

Believing In A Positive Attitude

Not to be a downer, but last night was not a good night. In fact, I haven’t slept well at all the past two nights. I’m really starting to feel the financial pain, and it rightly hurt more than I could bear last night. We’re paying for our family of five, our debts, our wedding, our rent, monthly bills and utilities and last week we got to pay for new brakes and rotors on one of the cars. Needless to say, for the next two to three weeks we have to get pretty creative if we’re going to spend money, and need to be really crafty and IN NEED of something if we’re going to spend it.

I already canceled a dinner date with a friend, am trying to figure out how to get groceries that we really need, and plan a business trip to Southern California. Yesterday I broke down quite a bit. I’d had it. It started with frustration and sadness. It made me sad that Jane puts no effort or desire toward wanting (displaying) that she wants any responsibility in the boys’ lives. That sadness turned into frustration. Frustration that she was allowed to not have to pay child support in the original papers (it’s stated as reserved and is rather ambiguous as to whether or not she would have to pay any ever). I spent the better part reading anything and everything I could get my hands on detailing their divorce, meditations, arbitration, child support, child rights and petitioning for child support after the fact. I thought that if maybe I understood some of it then maybe I could show my fiancé and we could do something. I cried a little.

Then last night it dawned on me. We were out of milk, out of fresh fruits, out of bread for sandwiches, out of frozen juice mixes, and really didn’t have a lot of money to just go out and pick these simple things up from the store. It hurt. It disappointed. It was a little after midnight and I didn’t want to wake my fiancé up with my angry tears and hurt. I hid them in a nice hot shower. I sobbed … and since I usually am unable to let go and sob it out I realized I was really at my wits end that I was able to cry so hard.

I let it all out. I’m angry at Jane for her choices. I’m disappointed in Jane and can’t grasp why she wouldn’t want to make a stink or any sort of stand in raising the boys. We get her opinion when we can (if she’s willing to offer it up), but seriously … I just don’t get why she isn’t putting forth effort, desire, want or need to be a part of the boys’ lives. She has a legal responsibility and she’s not fulfilling it! It made me angry as hell that I can’t just go out to the store right now and pick up all these things for the boys. I really didn’t even know where to go from there, nor what to do, nor what to ask my fiancé to do. Obviously he should talk to her about it, but something in my gut tells me that he has to be crafty, responsible and firm when he does.

I felt like I was whining and being pathetic. (That's being far too hard on myself there, I know.) I was angry at myself for allowing it to happen. How dare I allow us to end up this way! How dare I want to make the deposit on the hotel and photographer now instead of trying to wait for a more affordable moment! Then I realized that in planning the wedding, no matter how prepared and organized I think I may be, it wasn’t going to make a difference. There’s always going to be something that comes up. There’s always going to be groceries to buy (the boys go through at least a gallon of milk, a bunch of bananas and some fresh fruit every week to week and a half). If I couldn’t win the lottery tomorrow or make Jane be a more responsible parent and want to be a responsible parent then I was going to have to make some other change for myself.

And I woke up this morning exhausted. I’m still exhausted. But I’ve decided that I’m not going to let this situation or Jane's lack of responsibility ruin me. As disappointing as the current financial situation is, and as much as it hurts that we just have to ride it out, I’m not going to completely break or allow myself to be a victim of any of it.

Today I’ve been working on a new attitude. It’s not the strongest, or happiest, or cheerful attitude. It’s more of a “We will make it through this” and a “We will make this work” and a “We will be OK” attitude. It is a more positive attitude. I may have tears in my eyes, but I’ll keep this attitude in my heart. And I have to truly believe in it in order to make it work.

Here’s to believing in myself, my fiancé and my family. Here is to having a positive attitude no matter what bumps we’re currently hitting.

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.” ~Charles R. Swindoll

Potpourri – Toilet Chatter, Kung Fu Panda and Parenting Plans

I disliked the word “potpourri” back when I was in high school yearbook class. I thought it was so lame. And yet here I am, using it because I can’t think of a more appropriate title for all the stories I’m about to throw your way. I’ve tried a total of four times to sit down and bust out a blog entry. And each time was interrupted by something great. Cooking dinners was a main offender, as was pointless meetings at work, Kindergartner homework questions, quarreling children and wedding planning. But here I am because I have so much to share and if I don’t share it I fear that I may just burst, because I have no one to tell this to (that would truly understand and appreciate it) outside of you fine, wonderful ladies. Where to begin …

Toilet Chatter
Younger Boy is starting to get to the point where he’s comfortable enough and able to talk to you while he’s urinating. (Speaking of urinating I have a much delayed story for you about that. Next Entry!) And oh man, has he turned into quite the chatter box. I’m not sure if it’s because he likes to hear himself talk or if it’s because he feels that he needs to say something. As the story goes, we were at Petco the other day getting the cats some food when the feeling struck. “I have to go potty!” he wailed as we stood in line paying for the food. I tried to hurry along the process as the lady at the cash register tried to sell me a cheap cat toy and donate a can of food. “Sorry, not today. He has to go to the bathroom.” I gesture at Younger Boy who is indeed furling his little fist at his groin area, twisting his sweat pants around and pulling and tugging in the inevitable and world-wide recognizable “Potty Dance.” She points to the back of the store, “You’re more than welcome to use the restroom in the left back corner,” she says. I’m momentarily shocked at this moment – did you know that Petco has restrooms? With a nod and thank you I grabbed his hand, my purchase and we made the dash to the back.

YB: I have to go potttyyy! Oooh, Birds! Cats! Dogs!
*He dawdles and points to a photo of the different animals as we rush to the back of the store*

I plop him down just in time as he starts to let the urine flow. That’s when he looks up at me and smiles.

YB: I’m going potty!
Me: Yes, I know.
YB: I’m peeing on a stone wall!!
Me: Ugh *Pauses and tries to listen to music playing to see if they’re singing about a stone wall*
YB: I like Apple Jacks!!! *Note that the enthusiasm in his voice inflection goes up with each phrase*
Me: Oh yeah? *Baffled*

Don’t ask me, I have no idea. But I remember singing songs while I urinated in public restrooms. I specifically recall when I was with my dad at a baseball game and I got to go in the men’s restroom. I serenaded all the men to “I’m a Little Tea Pot.” Maybe this is karma coming back around with her lovely purse of paybacks.

Are You F’ing Kidding Me?
Older Boy and Younger Boy got to go to Jane’s this past weekend. Middle Boy got to have a fun weekend with us at the aquarium. But the point of this tidbit comes to after my fiancé has picked them up. Apparently they did nothing but watch Kung Fu Panda all weekend long, because the baby likes it. Apparently the sound of Jack Black’s voice is one of the few things that makes the baby happy and smile. Thus, because the baby likes it, they watched it over, and over, and over … all weekend long. I turned to look at my future hubby, absolutely speechless. My jaw about dropped open and all I could do was shake my head. I’ll tell you what, we haven’t watched Kung Fu Panda at all since they came home.

Taking Charge of the Parenting Plan
As you may know, I’ve been very proactive about trying to arrange time for Jane to see the boys that works with all our schedule. New facts for you: Remember when Jane fell and got hurt? Well, now she’s having seizures of some sort. My fiancé has tried to get details, but I guess she’s not offering up a whole lot of info. The Department of Motor Vehicles revoked her driver’s license due to these seizures, which honestly, sparked worry and concern on our part about the boys being with her over the weekend.

Her boyfriend is the only one bringing in an income. (Quick tangent – Jane thinks that her boyfriend’s Wal-Mart income is going to support all three of them. Are you serious? I’m still trying to figure that one out.) Back to our concern: What if he’s off at work and it’s just her, the baby and the two younger boys and she has a seizure? What happens then? If she’s not willing to give up details on the severity of this, but we know that the DMV doesn’t trust her behind the wheel of a car, I sure as hell don’t trust her with the boys. So we’ve changed her visiting situation. (Which she seems much happier about btw because apparently she doesn't get any sleep when they spend the weekend with her because they keep her up all night. If she's not willing to set a bedtime I have no sympathy for her.) She now will spend time with the boys one day of the week (pending on when her boyfriend can drive her down and/or her mother can spend time with them also). I assigned the fiancé to find out what times would work with all involved. He got the run around. Well, I blew my lid. I was pretty harsh with my fiancé after he tried to get hours that worked for everyone. I pretty much told him that he wasn’t being aggressive enough, and that I was indeed tired of this crap. He told me that it’s hard to work with three people’s schedules (technically four.) I shot back with the fact that I manage to schedule meetings working with five or more schedules all the time at work. I then proceeded to grab the car keys and storm out of house to the nearest store to do some calming down (shopping).

I came back, apologized for being a bitch, but then confirmed that I was not happy. So I took action. I printed out a weekly calendar with times and filled in when we were available. I had my fiancé communicate with Jane’s mother who provided us with details of when she wasn’t available. I then came up with two options for Jane to choose from. She's not allowed to have open options anymore. But she will not receive options that I (have obviously) have defined. We’re now waiting until next week because her boyfriend has to wait on the night shift manager to create his new schedule. But the point is that there will be a set Parenting Plan that I’m having them both sign and date, for January thru June of this year.

Updated: I just wanted to add in that my fiance will continue to be the face of all this. As frustrated as I get, I know that it would probably be in the best interest to keep my face and name out of it. That and I seriously can manage my anger and frustration a whole lot better the further I stay away from her. The only reason her boyfriend is even considered is because he's the one that has to drive her around now.

The Things Kids Say
I thought I’d end this with some more great wonderful things the kids have said lately. For your enjoyment, one of the latest kid quote conversation snippets from my home to yours.

MB: Crys, what are mammals? Are cows mammals?
Me: Yes, cows are mammals.
OB: We’re mammals.
MB: I’m not a COW!

So precious ...

Angry At Three In The A.M.

"Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them." ~William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night (Act II, Scene V)

It is 3:31a.m. and I am, once again, awake and on the couch with the cats. However, I’ve already decided that I will NOT be sleeping out on the couch with the cats as I usually do. I have been tossing and turning and not sleeping well at all. I finally said, “Enough is enough! I need to clear my head!” Well, not out loud. I did not want to wake my fiancé. I, as gracefully as possible, came out here. It was deserted at first as the cats have claimed the boys’ room as their own. Boy, are they in for a rude awakening come tomorrow when they come back from Jane’s. The minute I sat down on the couch I must have activated the Cat Signal because they came out one by one and have each planted their fur-butts on either side of me. Just chillen’ as if this is the normal thing that we do. At this point in my life it sure seems like the normal thing that we do often.

The Setup
Today was exhausting. I received a bill about a week and a half ago for my lovely trip to the emergency room for my bee sting adventure. $180 is what that cost me. Well, the $180 was due yesterday. In the midst of trying to be responsible and budget out money, I totally forgot to budget for that, even though it was placed with a magnet up on the white board with the amount and due date in RED marker. I did some crafty financial maneuvering between my savings and both checking accounts. Then I called the Finance Customer Service number on the bill. I figured I’d see what my options were, either pay for it over the phone via plastic, or at least find out what the late fee would be so I could add it to my total. We’ll either someone decided I deserved a break or the gentleman on the other line could tell that I was about to literally fall apart and loose my shit because all that crafty financial maneuvering left me hanging by a single mental thread of sanity. He discovered that, since I have health coverage through work, I might have been misplaced between my transitions from the Southern part of the state to the Northern part of the state (that’s what I get for living in California). So he left me with the hope that my coverage would actually cover this and hopefully I won’t have to pay anything. I expect to receive some thing in the mail showing me that the $180 is covered or that part of it is covered.

Anyway, the point goes back to me hanging by that single mental thread of sanity. Because as soon as I hung up the phone that single mental thread of sanity snapped. My fiancé was home from work, and it was a really good thing because I totally lost my shit. I sat on the couch with him holding me for a good while. The tears came, and I fought them back. A few of those buggers slipped through my iron walls of defense though. And then the anger came and I don’t think anyone has ever seen me shake so violently from anger. In fact, I didn’t know that I could shake so violently from anger. I don’t think I’ve ever in my life been that angry before. Oh wait, I was pretty upset a couple of weeks ago that I was shaking, but nothing to the extent to this.

The Anger
Now, due to my inability to share my emotions when I’m super angry, my poor fiancé was left thinking that I was angry about this bill. It was many hours later that I was able to turn to him and tell him exactly what was going on.

FH: Are you feeling better now.
Me: A little bit.
FH: You were shaking pretty violently earlier.
Me: Well, I was angry.
*Pause*
Me: I was angry because all I could think was “She should be paying to help for their care. We shouldn’t be so financially stretched thin. THIS shouldn’t be happening.”

What I really wanted to add onto that, but didn’t is “This is bullshit. I’m so f’ing tired of paying for the care of the children while she gets to play Mommy every other weekend and not take any responsibility for them.”

What I really wanted to add onto that but didn’t is “I’m so f’ing tired of cleaning up this mess that she keeps insisting on making. I’m so f’ing tired of feeling like I’m the only one with the balls to stand up to her and hold her accountable.” I generally feel bad whenever I think this because I know that my fiance has been trying to change and not let her get her way. But inevitably, he did choose to give Jane her way. And now he's living with the consequences of that choice.

What I was thinking about 15 minutes ago while lying in bed trying to calm down and relax for the 40th time and go to sleep is “I’m done with this shit. I give her chance after chance to be a decent human being, and it’s either a major flaw or a major gift, but every time I give her that chance she disappoints me again and again and again. I’m tired of it and I’m not taking this shit anymore.”

Is there anything I can do about it? Legally, not right now. If I (we) had the money I (we) would sure as hell be bringing her to court and demanding child support. It seriously makes me so angry that she’s not paying any, and that she’s not expected to pay any. It makes me so incredibly angry that she’s been allowed to have responsibility in their lives and yet she’s not being held accountable to help provide any. It makes me even more angry that she had another child, even though she’s not being expected to hold any responsibility for the three children she already has.

I feel like the biggest, meanest, unreasonable bitch because I feel this. Am I going to leave and stop providing care? Heck no I’m not. But as soon as I can afford an option I’m going to take action. I’ve never been one to stand around talking about how I ought to do things. I’ve always taken action.

The Somewhat Tangent Vent
I believe that as a person you have the ability to make a choice. It comes down to the nurture and nature argument I guess. I've always seemed to lean more on the side that people make their lives through their choices. I'm not sure exactly on the spectrum where that falls, but that's where I'm at. A lot of people throw her the nurture bone. She never had a good mother … she never had a good example of how to be a mother … she had a crappy life. All I hear is blah, blah, blah. She has an older sister that has made quite different choices from her and she had the same upbringing. Her older sister is not only a decent human being, but she’s also a responsible mother.

I believe that you can let yourself be the victim, or you can make the choice to change and walk away. I’ve been the abused girlfriend. I might not have made the choice to be hit, but I sure as hell made the choice to say “I will not take this treatment anymore” and I walked away. I was the anorexic in college. I chose for a long time to play victim to the mental disorder. I chose for many, many years that anorexia had a hold of me and I could not break free. And one day I realized that no, I had the choice to change. And I did.

Yes, I had a good upbringing, but not the best role model as a mother. My mother and I still don’t have a close relationship, and I’ve chosen many a times not to call her or ask her for help, or confide in her. But as I’ve grown older I’ve also chosen many other times to call her when I’m upset and crying. I might selectively choose the specific event I’m calling about, but I’ve chosen to take those steps.

If there is any impact or impression that I hope the boys walk away with from living with me, it's that they realize that they have the ability to choose, and that a single choice they choose to take action on can make a world of difference in their lives. And if it's the wrong choice, they can choose to learn from it and not make the same wrong choice again.

Sorry for the rant, but I’m just so tired of people given Jane excuses. I’m already exhausted and tired of this game she plays. I’ve already started to take steps to show her that we’re not playing it anymore. And I say “we” because my fiancé and I are in this relationship together. If he’s not willing to work with me to stand up to this nonsense, and if I’m not willing to bend totally over breaking my back to play her game then it’s not going to work. And after talking with him on numerous occasions, I’ve concluded that we’re not bending over to break our backs anymore. We’ll bend for some flexibility, but we’re not playing her game.

Thank You
So, if you’ve read through my anger, I thank you. And please know that I totally appreciate you. I am thankful for you. I am thankful for you even if you didn’t get past the second or third paragraph. I’m also thankful for my fiancé, because for once in my life I’ve found someone who will listen to me. We may not always see eye to eye, but we’re willing to try and work something out. And I’m also thankful for my cats. Both of which, have passed out, furry heads laid out on my lap top keyboard.

And at 4:10am, I will conclude my rant, and attempt sleep once again.

I hope that you all have a wonderful holiday season with your family and friends. I hope that you get your holiday shopping expeditions fulfilled. I hope that you have a burned-food free holiday baking mission. I hope that, if you drink, you drink plenty and have a good time. I know I will.

Letting The Anger Flow Out

I cannot change Jane. This I know as hard cold fact and truth. I wouldn’t dream of trying to change her. As much as I wish I could, I know that it would only be wasted time and effort. I am working on learning not to let her actions bother me, but I’m so rather upset right now that I just cannot sleep.

I just don’t understand, and I’m not going to try to. But just because I’m not going to try to make sense of her actions, just because I’m trying not to let her bother me doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt and make my heart absolutely ache.

Jane watched all three of the boys this weekend while the boyfriend and I went down to Southern California to clear out the rest of my storage unit. We had a little run in the with Orange County fires. Luckily, with my knowledge of the Los Angeles area and his ability to read maps we made it through another route and back to our hotel. Despite our brush with the fires this weekend really was so wonderful, with the exception of two instances.

The first instance happened on our drive down Saturday. It was evening and we were halfway down the long state of California when his phone rang. It was Jane. He put it on speakerphone. She asked where he was, and that alone told me that something was not right with the boys. The worst fears began to run through my mind. Turns out Middle Boy was throwing up – a lot.

It was more the disgusted tone of her voice when she realized that he wasn’t going to come and get him. The words that came out of her mouth about how the boyfriend just expects him to stay there with the other boys reflected something that left a bitter taste on my tongue. I can’t remember the exact words but it just brought anger. What the hell does she think we do when one of them throws up? And I’ve had two of them throwing up. Middle Boy has thrown up all night once. He was prepped college kid style with a garbage can to bring on his way to the bathroom in case he had to throw up and couldn’t wait. But we take care of it. We act like responsible parental figures and care for them. All of them no matter what's going on.

I kept my mouth shut. I closed my eyes. After he hung up a couple of frustrated phrases of disbelief came out, but then I shoved them back in and down to the pit of my soul. The problem was that I put up walls, and I hadn’t realized it. In the very act of trying to keep my temper down, to try and calm down, and not let her actions upset me – I pushed away the very person I loved with all my heart and shut out the rest of the world and drew inward.

I didn’t realize it until a bit later after we had stopped for gas and I had gotten a red bull. Something about that red bull allowed me to calm down. Perhaps it was the association with the taste … past college paper writing days and bar hopping adventures. Whatever it was, I let it all go. The boyfriend mentioned how I opened up and put my walls down. It was quite the transition apparently.

Back on topic, I couldn’t grasp why she couldn’t just be a responsible parent. It angered me that she actually expected the boyfriend to come and pick Middle Boy up after she knew we were heading down to Southern California. She's their mother. If she isn't willing to take care of the three kids she's already have, what the heck did she have another one for?

The second occurrence happened today. The boyfriend picked the boys up while I was grocery shopping. They met me in the check out line. We had a great dinner and then went and finished up our grocery shopping at another store. That’s when I noticed Younger Boy’s eczema was quite inflamed. He had patches all over his neck and arms, and his thumb was so red and cracked. The boyfriend actually pointed his thumb out, and when I took a closer look I felt my blood begin to boil again.

How could she not notice this? Seriously, his thumb was cracked, and red, and raw. He even said it hurt him. After they came home he was put in the bath (to wash off the marker all over his arms and legs) but I was more concerned in getting some lotion on him to help sooth the inflammation. I ended up having to put some stuff on his poor thumb. I felt so horrible because I had to sanitize and clean it, then put on some Neosporin and a band-aid. And I could tell that it hurt him a lot. I tried to comfort him a bit afterward to help sooth the pain. But I was just so angry. Who am I kidding, I’m still so angry.

Does she just not care? Was she seriously too busy to notice? Does she not know how sensitive his skin is? Didn’t she ever take the time to try and figure out how to deal with it? Is she really that self-centered and selfish? Is it possible to be that selfish that you can't see what's happening to your own child?

I figured out just how sensitive his skin was within the first month of moving in with them. I switched him around with different mild body and hair soaps until I found the perfect combination. The poor kid has sensitive skin and a dry scalp. I have to use a specific baby wash for his hair and a whole different one for his skin. And I always put lotion on him afterward because it seems to really help keep his skin from breaking out.

Now, I’ve been trying to calm myself in reminding myself that maybe the occurrence of his eczema is new. Maybe it started to really develop and bloom recently. And since they don’t live with her and she only sees them every other week or so … maybe she just hasn’t noticed it. But still … his sensitive skin will bloom red patches as soon as the wrong soap is applied. Maybe she's stressed from having a baby around. I'm sure no matter how many children a person has had, a baby crying and depending on you all the time can be stressful. But still! She's their mother!

I’m just so enraged…and so angry because I just don’t understand. And I know that I said that I wouldn’t even try to. And I’m still not going to. I guess just seeing him shudder from the pain of what could have been prevented made my temper just rise even more.

If you’ve read this far, I thank you for your patience and understanding. Thank you for letting me vent, because I really hate to have non-productive posts. But I think that this post will help me today. I think I can sleep now (I hope).

And Then I Exploded

"If you go in for argument, take care of your temper. Your logic, if you have any, will take care of itself." ~Joseph Farrell

You never quite really know just how strong and how much emotion you’ve been bottling up until it explodes on you. If you’re lucky, it’s something silly and stupid like watching one of the saddest episodes ever on One Tree Hill (“And Then I Cried” Sept 17 entry). But sometimes it’s something that really hurts you. And it all just snaps like a levy breaking on a damn…and all of hell’s fury breaks loose on the unfortunate people living in the valley down below.

Well that’s what happened today. In fact, I’m still rather furious at the boyfriend. In fact, I’m waiting for one of my childhood friends to call me back to say that he’s back from the gym so that we can go out to dinner and catch up on life. Because I’m so furious, and angry, and hurt right now that I need to get away. Because if I don’t get some away time and calm down, then I’m most likely to say something that I’m going to regret. And you can’t take things that you say back. And the most hurtful things that you would ever say to someone when you’re angry and hurt, are most likely to someone that you love. And I do love my boyfriend that I’m going to calm down first before I attempt to communicate why I’m so furious, angry and hurt.

I was looking forward to a family weekend. One that we could have fun and relax and be a family. I really wanted to bring the boys to the library to get them library cards. I really wanted to bring them to a park or something so that we could play and get some outside time outside of our apartment. Well, that all changed when I received a phone call from the boyfriend, saying that their mother had called and wanted them for the weekend.

And whatever contraption was bottling everything I’ve been pushing down inside, well that sucker flew loose. I don’t know where it is – maybe it’s somewhere behind my desk or maybe it rolled behind the TV. But I was pissed.

I understand she wants to see them. I understand that they love her and always will. But I don’t agree that she can just call at her convenience and expect to have the boys dropped off at her place because she willed it so. I want to spend time with the boys too (that isn’t on a work day.) Not to point blame or throw a pity party, trust me. I’m not. I’m just … hurt.

I gave up my life to come and take care of the boys and to live with my new family. I take care of them every day. I wake them up and give them breakfast, I feed them lunch, I make them dinner. I help with homework and my effort, unconditional love and patience and my paycheck go toward this family. Sure, it’s only been 12 days, but I like to think that I’m a part of this family too.

It just hurts my feelings, and I’m aware that it only hurts because I’m allowing it to hurt. But it hurts. Our family is not serving to her beck and call. We’re a family too. We have plans and she really needs to call in advance if she’d like to see the boys. This really pisses me off too considering she has no sort of custody of them. She has no responsibility to them (outside of being a mother that I’ve already said my opinion on). It just … a lot of things about this situation irritate me. But this … I just can’t grasp and refuse to bow down too.

I always make a conscious effort to choose my battles. And this is a battle that I am going to pursue. I refuse to have my life revolving around her beck and call. I do not bow down to another person’s irresponsibility, especially hers.

Am I being a stubborn bitch? It’s a big possibility. But do I have a right to be angry and upset? Hell yes I do.

So here I sit. Waiting for my childhood friend to call me so that I can go out, and calm down, and after I’ve calmed down and found my smile I can calmly and rationally discuss with the boyfriend. I don’t like to be angry, but I’m not one to bow down when someone has hurt me either. I’m confrontational … it’s my personality. And if we expect to get married and live the rest of our lives together, we need to learn how to deal with this, in a way that works for the both of us.

Overcoming The Anger Within

"Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody's power – that is not easy." ~Aristotle

I’m not an angry person, but I do have an immeasurable amount of undirected anger built up inside of me. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s leftover bitterness from ex-boyfriends who dared lay a hand upon me. Perhaps it’s from other wrongdoings against me. Perhaps it’s even from the very hatred I had for myself at one point, many moons ago. I’m now very much an optimistic person. It takes a lot to get me really angry, and even more to get me angry at you.

One huge struggle that I’ve had since becoming involved in my relationship is the red hot white anger that I have toward the boys’ mother. I’ve learned to swallow it down and hide it behind a kind smile. That kind smile only slightly turns up at the edges, because I’ve been told that too much frowning will give you wrinkles. The boyfriend I’m sure can sense it, he can read me better than most. (And I guess it goes back to bottling up feelings again, but this is one that can’t be helped at the moment.)

There seem to be a lot of reasons this anger shoots hot through my veins. The uppermost reason is that I just can’t seem to understand or grasp why she doesn’t want them in her life. They love her, and she can only bear to see them once in a while when she feels like it, and makes an effort to call and ask for them? I guess I should be thanking her for the choices she’s made. Because if she hadn’t made those choices then I wouldn’t have this wonderful man and I wouldn’t have these three amazing boys in my life. (Was it a sign or pure coincidence that I met the boys on Mother’s Day?)

But I still can’t help but swallow the anger down. At this point in my life, she’s really the only cause of me feeling it. I feel hurt, I feel disappointment and even frustration – but generally not anger. Specifically the red hot white anger like the kind I feel toward her. I sit there and try to reason with myself. “She can’t be that bad, she can’t be that selfish, she has to have some sort of nurturing and loving nature if she had three boys (with another on the way).” But then I keep finding things out that keep smashing any hopes I have of her being a good person or at least a decent human being. (Perhaps my expectations of a decent human being are too high?)

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a sour stomach because she failed the boys at being a decent mother. I’ve always tended to turn anger toward another person toward myself. (Don’t ask me why, it’s a torturous thing I’ve always done that I’ve actually come a long way in not doing in the last year or so.) I’ve learned that it’s OK to be angry toward someone. But – this powerful emotion has to be handled with gentle hands. There’s a time and a place and a degree to be angry, and then there’s a time and a place and a degree to let it go.

Another part of this anger is that I see what I am doing for these boys, with these boys – and I can’t understand why she can’t even put forth 1/4th of the effort that I am putting forth for them. I quit my job and moved up here (I realize I’m crazy, and lucky as my company appreciated my work enough that they created a new job opportunity for me up here) and have jumped feet first into this ocean of change (vast change). And she, well she just quit them, and pokes her head in when she feels like it. (Maybe I’ve just dramatized it all in my head, but the words I type are truth. And in this world truth sucks sometimes.)

My homework that I’ve assigned myself is to find a way to let go of the anger. She’s always going to anger me as a human being. She’s always going to disappoint me as a mother. But I’m going to work on not allowing the anger to become so great and powerful that I can’t see past it. My life (as challenging as it is right now) is far too precious and wonderful to let someone like her ruin it. I’m a much better (and bigger) person than that.