There was a post I made about not covering up for Jane anymore when it came to the kids. I can’t remember when but I remember writing about how I was no longer going to cover up for Jane if she cancelled. However, I’ve only applied it to times that the kids knew they were going to be seeing her and she cancelled.
Well, FH and I have pretty much decided that perhaps it’s time that the boys were indeed aware of their mother’s choices. We’ve been trying to protect them from the heartache by not telling them when they’re supposed to be seeing her because she cancelled so often. It just seemed easier to make it a pleasant surprise.
To her credit, she actually did see them every week for a good portion of 2010. However, as of last month the old Jane who pulls out any excuse in the book to cancel has returned. She has either cancelled or tried to cancel a majority of the times she was supposed to see them. FH told me that he’s ready to let the boys see who she really is. And now that they all are a bit older I think that it is time to start putting it back on the calendar for them to see when they’ll see her. And if she cancels, then she cancels and they’ll know about it.
**EDIT: I just wanted to add in that we have no intentions of making a big dramatic production of it with the boys. I was reading through some comments I just wanted to clear that up. It's frustrating enough to us to have plans changed, especially since it's our date night when she sees them. And the whole reason we stopped telling them when they were going to see her was because she would go for weeks at a time cancelling on them. But, frankly I'm tired of trying to diffuse it for her. I owe her no favors. And I do appreciate the suggestion of not using the word "cancel" and in saying "you should call her to talk about it" if they want to know more.**
This comes after an angering experience from the last time they slept at her house. Older Boy told us that they slept on the floor this last time because Jane’s guy slept on the queen size pull out couch that they usually sleep on. FH was especially angry, and I don’t blame him. We send the boys over expecting them to be in a good environment (or at least as best as possible knowing their habits). It makes me wonder if we ought to send sleeping bags for them so that they’ll at least have something warm to sleep in. I don’t want to encourage them sleeping on the floor when there’s a pull out bed, but I don’t want them to end up on the floor with just a blanket either.
I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how it goes down this week when they go over to her house for Thanksgiving. This year is her year to have them and she’s taking them (all 3 boys!) Tuesday thru Thursday evening.
Having Baby J.C. have given me a whole new perspective on parenthood and on the choices I make as a parent. And I know we can’t protect our children from all the heartache in the world. I just never thought I’d have to protect my children from heartache caused by someone that is supposed to love them unconditionally and fight for them. I think having Jane as an example of who not to be has helped make me a better mother to both the boys and to J.C.
7 comments:
I don't think there is anything wrong with putting the schedule on the calendar so that the boys can see when they are supposed to see their mother. If she cancels then be frank, "Yes your mother cancelled. You won't be seeing her this week." and then move onto something more positive, but don't dwell on it. As the boys get older they will begin to see the flakiness and neglect for what it is and will form their own opinions about it. They will appreciate that they got to form their own opinion instead of having it given to them.
UNSOLICITED ADVICE: Don't tell them she canceled. It makes you angry that she is irresponsible, but for the kids, it's salt in a wound. Having it on the calendar is one thing, and if they ask about a cancellation be vague and non-judgmental-- but encourage THEM to talk to her about it for details. "I think your mom had something come up. Why don't you give her a call?" Not that you would-- but don't ever put yourself in a position of appearing even remotely annoyed with the bio mom.
I agree with kweenmana. I don't think it hurts to post the schedule. If she cancels and they ask - then be matter of fact about it.
I'm sure that the advice given to not bad mouth their mom is like preaching to the choir. Jane is sinking her own ship, she doesn't need your help.
Happy Holidays!
I would suggest not making a big fucking deal ... but you are a sensible and wise woman.
I agree that it is what it is.
I agree with girlmonkey.
And as those boys grow, we all know that they will realize who was and was not there for them!
What about making it clear to their mother that the schedule is going on a calendar for the kids to see? If she's like the BM in our situation, though, knowing she will hurt the kids won't stop her from doing whatever she wants anyway.
I don't agree with the advice of acting like nothing the BM does is anything less than golden and perfect. Maybe that is not the intent, but that is what it sounds like. If I make a poor decision, I am up front about it to the kids and honest and try to do better. If their own mother can't do that, covering her shit for her is not helping anyone, including the kids.
Post a Comment