So I think this is one of those nights where I just need to get the thoughts out in order to let it go.
So for those that are kind of new, Jane had another baby last year with her new guy. The baby’s name is Trevor. And for those that might not know, we have the hardest time getting Jane to actually call us with her days off so that we can arrange the days that the boys will see her. She hardly ever asks for them, and it always feels like we have to force her to see them because she never shows any interest or puts any effort into seeing them.
Back to today, we still don’t have her days off for the next two to three weeks (which is what we get at a time from her the way her current shift manager does the schedule). She likes to leave her phone off, leave her phone behind, not answer her phone or just plain not call back. Even if there is a message left reminder her that we really need to find out the dates or that we have something important to tell her.
And today, something kind of lit up in my head about this week. Tuesday is Trevor’s first birthday party. Two or three weeks ago Jane asked if the boys could come to it. Well, I didn’t think anything of it until today. Because today it occurred to me that Jane didn’t ask for them for any of the holidays. I scheduled time for the boys to see her over the holidays. It occurred to me today that this is the first time really (outside of the occurrence for summer vacation time with the two older boys – here) that she’s actually put effort into asking for them.
To the point, and maybe I’ve worked myself into a fury for nothing, but it occurred to me that she put effort into seeing the boys because it was Trevor’s birthday party.
Am I making sense here?
I’ve gotten rather angry about it. Not super angry that I can’t think past it, but angry enough that I think she’s perhaps done an injustice to the boys. She can’t make the effort to call us with her days off to ensure that she sees them every week. She can’t make the effort to make sure that she can get any time to see them for holidays or their own birthdays. But she can make the effort to make sure that they can come to Trevor’s birthday party?
OK, I’ve said it (well, written it) out loud. So maybe she’ll prove me wrong now so that I can feel like a real bitch. But if still makes me pretty angry.
I’m not going to put any effort into wondering why. However, I am going to let it roll down my back and float away. I’ve come to the realization that in order to let it go I need to really feel the emotion and confront it. And once I’ve done so I can say “Eh, Que Sera Sera.”
So I feel a lot better now that I’ve written it. I’m not stewing over it. I feel lighter.
But I still think it’s stupid that she hasn’t called us back with her days off.
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10 comments:
I don't think you are a bitch AT ALL. She is the bitch by the sounds of it. And you have every right to be angry.
LBM.
Oh and P.S... Who call's their baby Trevor??!!! (and that's ME being a bitch!)
I used to do the same thing. I tried to force/guilt BM into seeing her kids more often. It didn't work. Now she sees them less than ever. She has other priorities, I guess. Like her men.
My advice? Stop worrying about it. It's not your job to protect her image or the kids' feelings. Let the boys make up their own minds, even if it means judging Mom. Stand back and watch her (figuratively) hang herself.
You can't make someone be a better parent and if the time is forced upon her it will not be quality time with the kids. It is not your responsiblity.
I know it's easy to say but you need to let this one go. I think we all know nothing we do is going to make the BM change.
Good luck...
The amazing part is that it's very likely the boys will continuously forgive or make excuses for their mother as they get older. It seems to be how it works. I don't get it, but it's how it goes
It's a good philosophy not getting angry over things you can't control...I nearly drove myself mad getting angry about people not acting the way I thought they should.
You're doing your best, and your feelings are only human.
Hang in there
funny (in a not funny way), i've been thinking how dealing with my sister about our nephew is like going through a nasty divorce with custody and sharing the kid. she sees him when she has time, calls when it's convenient for her, plays it by ear, cancels at the last minute, holds up our plans because she hasn't called to finalize.
the thing with giving her away at her wedding really chapped my hide. and i totally know what you mean by being upset that jane didn't make time during the holidays, but when it's about her (i mean her son :), she makes the time.
trying to understand her (or jane) is not going to happen. we live on different planes of existence. our realities are different.
hang in there. and you have to let it slide or it will drive you batty. this is how she's chosen to live her life and you can't change that. you can only change your reaction.
marsha's totally right. my nephews made excuses for their mom, but once they got old enough, they stopped respecting her. they would joke about plans being canceled or her not showing up on time. which sucked, really. because she's their mom and she SHOULD do what she says she will.
my sister and i are stuck trying not to bad mouth their mom because she's their mom. it's hard, but it's necessary.
You are wise to let this one roll off your back. I, too, am working on not getting so angry at the things our BM does.
The idea of letting go is great. Sometimes it's just pretty darn hard to do. Just do your best. I think you are.
I still have a hard time reading your blog and understanding that there are stepmom's out there dealing with the complete opposite than what I deal with. A BM who doesn't care about her kids? What a wild thought. It must be so heartbreaking watching your boys long for her and get nothing. You are a brave and wonderful stepmama. They are lucky to have you.
Wondering why and trying to figure out the reasons a hateful person does what she does will exhaust you. I gave up wondering why the BM does any of the things she does. It's her job to figure out why. It's my job, and my BF's job, to protect the kids from it as much as possible and give them the sanity and stability they can't get elsewhere.
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