Not to be a downer, but last night was not a good night. In fact, I haven’t slept well at all the past two nights. I’m really starting to feel the financial pain, and it rightly hurt more than I could bear last night. We’re paying for our family of five, our debts, our wedding, our rent, monthly bills and utilities and last week we got to pay for new brakes and rotors on one of the cars. Needless to say, for the next two to three weeks we have to get pretty creative if we’re going to spend money, and need to be really crafty and IN NEED of something if we’re going to spend it.
I already canceled a dinner date with a friend, am trying to figure out how to get groceries that we really need, and plan a business trip to Southern California. Yesterday I broke down quite a bit. I’d had it. It started with frustration and sadness. It made me sad that Jane puts no effort or desire toward wanting (displaying) that she wants any responsibility in the boys’ lives. That sadness turned into frustration. Frustration that she was allowed to not have to pay child support in the original papers (it’s stated as reserved and is rather ambiguous as to whether or not she would have to pay any ever). I spent the better part reading anything and everything I could get my hands on detailing their divorce, meditations, arbitration, child support, child rights and petitioning for child support after the fact. I thought that if maybe I understood some of it then maybe I could show my fiancé and we could do something. I cried a little.
Then last night it dawned on me. We were out of milk, out of fresh fruits, out of bread for sandwiches, out of frozen juice mixes, and really didn’t have a lot of money to just go out and pick these simple things up from the store. It hurt. It disappointed. It was a little after midnight and I didn’t want to wake my fiancé up with my angry tears and hurt. I hid them in a nice hot shower. I sobbed … and since I usually am unable to let go and sob it out I realized I was really at my wits end that I was able to cry so hard.
I let it all out. I’m angry at Jane for her choices. I’m disappointed in Jane and can’t grasp why she wouldn’t want to make a stink or any sort of stand in raising the boys. We get her opinion when we can (if she’s willing to offer it up), but seriously … I just don’t get why she isn’t putting forth effort, desire, want or need to be a part of the boys’ lives. She has a legal responsibility and she’s not fulfilling it! It made me angry as hell that I can’t just go out to the store right now and pick up all these things for the boys. I really didn’t even know where to go from there, nor what to do, nor what to ask my fiancé to do. Obviously he should talk to her about it, but something in my gut tells me that he has to be crafty, responsible and firm when he does.
I felt like I was whining and being pathetic. (That's being far too hard on myself there, I know.) I was angry at myself for allowing it to happen. How dare I allow us to end up this way! How dare I want to make the deposit on the hotel and photographer now instead of trying to wait for a more affordable moment! Then I realized that in planning the wedding, no matter how prepared and organized I think I may be, it wasn’t going to make a difference. There’s always going to be something that comes up. There’s always going to be groceries to buy (the boys go through at least a gallon of milk, a bunch of bananas and some fresh fruit every week to week and a half). If I couldn’t win the lottery tomorrow or make Jane be a more responsible parent and want to be a responsible parent then I was going to have to make some other change for myself.
And I woke up this morning exhausted. I’m still exhausted. But I’ve decided that I’m not going to let this situation or Jane's lack of responsibility ruin me. As disappointing as the current financial situation is, and as much as it hurts that we just have to ride it out, I’m not going to completely break or allow myself to be a victim of any of it.
Today I’ve been working on a new attitude. It’s not the strongest, or happiest, or cheerful attitude. It’s more of a “We will make it through this” and a “We will make this work” and a “We will be OK” attitude. It is a more positive attitude. I may have tears in my eyes, but I’ll keep this attitude in my heart. And I have to truly believe in it in order to make it work.
Here’s to believing in myself, my fiancé and my family. Here is to having a positive attitude no matter what bumps we’re currently hitting.
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.” ~Charles R. Swindoll
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11 comments:
I understand your frustrations. We deal with TWO exes here that get to be "part-time" parents and don't have to be very responsible at all. It doesn't help to hear, "you will be blessed in the long run," when you need to buy necessities NOW. I'm glad you are working on your attitude because that is really the only thing you have control over.
Some practical advice: Are there things you own that you really don't need that you can sell online to bring in a little cash? Do you have a skill that you can put to use to bring in a little extra money? When things settle down a little and money isn't quite so tight it might be wise to put at least 10% of each paycheck into savings for emergencies. ALWAYS pay yourself first. Also, it might be helpful to buy a little extra of each food item (those that can be stored) when you go to the store so that you have a supply to fall back on if times get tough again.
**Your fiancee really SHOULD talk to Jane about doing her part. The boys have TWO biological parents. They should each do their part!
Thank you, thank you, thank you Crystal! I know how you're feeling. We've been hitting way to main bumps in the road too lately, and it's been so hard to stay positive. This post is exactly what I needed to get my perspective back.
Awe Honey, I want to jump on a plane over there and give you a hug. You will get through this, your fiance needs to get tough with jane - I'm sure she would have screwed him for every last penny if she were the resident parent!
Kweenmama talks a lot of sense and her advice would really prepare you for any future 'bad' times.
Mrs M x
i'm sorry you're going through this. i'm glad you have this place to go to and vent, and your shower to cry in. it sucks. but, in my opinion, it will be easier if you stop trying to figure out jane. i've dealt with a few RATHER crazy situations in my life. i tried to understand the situation, tried to understand the other person/people. and it was driving me crazy. they don't live in the real world.
trying to understand someone who is not rational, who is not empathetic, who doesn't want to be in her kids lives, for that matter, is only going to drive you crazy. to be able to understand her, you will have to be on her level. you will have to eat and breathe her kind of crazy.
and you're too well balanced for that.
socal, as in san diego? come over to my house for dinner. it won't be expensive! we all win!
ps--what's a roochagn? it's my verification word.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you all!
Kweenmama: Thank you so for your wisdom. The thing is, is that we do put money away and buy in bulk from Costco at the beginning of each month so that it will last us the whole month. I think that's what is keeping me sane. We do have tons of Ramen, Applesauce, frozen chicken breasts and pasta. I just really dislike not being able to provide fresh fruit. The boys have, actually, been learning that tortillas can be used for lunch :) Tortillas are awesome.
LL: I love you! I'm glad that I was able to help. What are good friends for anyway, right? :)
Mrs M: Thank you to! I feel your virtual hug. And I too am sure that Jane would have tried to get any penny she could too if she had been the resident parent. I'm starting to wonder if I'm more knowledgable about the terms of her divorce than she is from her actions.
Yo: Oh yes, that is the one thing I have to remind myself daily. "Stop trying to undrestand/rationalize Jane!" I don't think I could eat and breath her kind of crazy. You're right, my crazy is pretty balanced and spectacular I like to think while her's is just, well, I don't know if there is a good enough word to describe that.
I know how you feel as we only had our two incomes to rely on considering that their mom is in prison. And for five months of that time my husband was still paying child support because Eliza refused to sign a paper to have it terminated. We had to take her to court so that the judge could end it! So for that time I carried a lot.
And it made it worse that she was TOTALLY unappreciative of my contributions toward the rearing of her children--financial, emotional, or physical.
The good news is that we made it through and you will too. I tried to be as creative as could and I realized that as long as we had the basics that we would be alright.
I want to send you a hug too. It's not custodial parents who feel that financial pain, and there just seems like there HAS to be a better way to deal with this. Everything we spend to make sure the kids have a good home with us, we are criticized for not sending to her; yet if we didn't prepare a good home here, we would be criticized for that. Either way, we are constantly threatened and harassed.
I agree, don't waste time or energy trying to figure Jane out. She is clearly not expending energy trying to figure out why she is what she is, so why should you do it for her?
Your choice in attitude is a healthy one. I try to keep the attitude that we will get through it, and as long as the kids are taken care of, I need to let go of many other things, like my disappointment in other people in their lives.
Whoops, didn't proof-read; that was supposed to say "not just custodial parents" in my comment!
Thanks for that inspirational quote. I feel like every day is a constant struggle to approach the day with a positive outlook, but like you just said, attitude will make or break a situation. Good luck with everything with Jane and the boys. They are so lucky to have you around!
Also, you touched on this, but what's your take on the financial crisis. From the reports I get from friends and family, things are getting tough? I'm starting to get nervous about returning to the States.
Dude! I feel for you! I completely have those days. I sit there trying to penny pinch to get milk. Makes me puke...in fact the last time we were REALLY straped was when Creulla sent Nemo's Science Fair Project to us to do...and yes...we figured out how to spend the little bit of money needed to get his supplies but dude it sucked! When I was in CA i saw that all state employees now have to take two furlow days off each month! I freaked...i don't want my state to have to go that route...Hubby and I would both be affect...That'd end up being 48 un paid days/ year for both of us...might as well cut off our right arm...and to top it off we'd have to PAY to have his CS refigured...so bass ackwards.
Good for you, Sweetheart. Keep your head up. You are right, there's always going to be something. You will never be completely caught up. BUT you are doing the best you can with what you have. And that is enough. If you need to talk or vent, I'm on messenger. I'd love to hear from you- good or bad day. *hug*
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