I sat here wanting to write to you all and ask if you ever had this moment where you just looked up and asked “What the heck am I doing in this mess?” or decided “Dammit! I’m done with this!” Anger does that I’ve discovered. It makes you not want to continue addressing your wedding invites because at the moment the bile in your stomach is threatening to rise at the thought of getting trapped in this situation for good.
So I decided I needed to figure out a way to douse the anger. I was looking for any way to let it go and to try and calm down. Writing it out, meditating, watching my favorite TV shows, and breathing exercises…Nothing seemed to put out the raging fire that had sprung up inside. I ended up talking to my best friend Summer and writing an e-mail to Allison (because she sent me one asking what was going on.) I calmed down, but I still could feel a flame just waiting for fuel to ignite and flare again.
So I decided that since I had calmed down this much what I needed to do was stop thinking about all the things that I was angry about. I had to stop fueling the anger inside because it was only continuing to poison my heart. So I decided that I need to focus on the positive things. And as hard as it is to not think about the things that have angered me – I need to just not do it. So I’d like to list the things I’m thankful for. If I can think about what my rays of sunshine are I hope to “get over it” for now at least.
- I’m thankful for a supportive family and supportive friends.
- I’m thankful for wine, Crown Royal, vanilla vodka and Kahlua.
- I’m thankful for cheesecake.
- I’m thankful for a nice hot cup of coffee.
- I’m thankful for a job, as chaotic as it can be; it is a paying job with benefits.
- I’m thankful for managers who are always looking out for me at work and helping to challenge me and teach me skills to advance in my career.
- I’m thankful for the ability to know that I am angry and that I can either choose to stay angry or I can choose to do something else.
- I’m thankful for the ability to choose to do something else.
- I’m thankful for Nasty Cat. He smells like stinky cat. He bugs me trying to be my shadow. He puts his nasty paws on my face when he wants me to wake up. But he also knows when I just need a little furry kitty to snuggle up next to me.
- I'm thankful to have the ability to choose whether or not I want to be in this situation.
- I’m thankful to have stumbled upon this circle of other mothers, stepmothers, fathers, stepfathers.
- I’m thankful that I’m not alone in the chaos of instant parenthood.
- I’m thankful for the opportunity to be a positive influence in the boys’ lives.
- I’m thankful for the opportunity to see their eyes light up when they discover something new.
- I’m thankful for the opportunity to see them learn new things, to discover things about themselves and find their independence.
- I’m thankful for the opportunity to give them good night hugs every night, and to wish them sweet dreams.
- I’m thankful that no matter how the morning goes they still wave goodbye to me when I drop them off at school.
- I’m thankful for the opportunity to feel this kind of love for these child, even though the children aren't biologically mine.
- I’m thankful for the opportunity to choose to put their well being before my own wants and desires. It has by far been the most challenging thing but I’ve learned a lot about myself because I have done so.
- I’m thankful for FH – even if he sometimes drives me up the wall with his man ways.
- I’m thankful that our paths crossed again – even though it has drastically changed my life.
- I’m thankful that even though he may not always respond to me and my emotional outbursts the way I wish he would he is supportive and thankful and appreciative of me.
- I’m thankful to have a person that loves me unconditionally.
- I’m thankful to have found a person that I can honestly say that I love unconditionally.
10 comments:
Two things I want to say. This one first, because I want the other to be the thing that sticks. She felt that she had to use lies and manipulation to see her children. Why? Why does she sink so low? Can't she just be a mom and see them?
Here's the second one, and the one I want to leave with you. Good for you, Sweetie. This situation can be SO hard. And yes, I understand the thoughts about trashing the invites instead of sending them. You handled this very well. Sometimes, thinking and writing about your anger can help you work through it. Sometimes, it only adds fuel to the flame. I think that by recognizing the difference, you had great control over yourself. It's not easy to force yourself to be there when all you want to do is leave. This moment showed how incredibly strong you are.
I think we've all been there. Easier said than done, but try to detach yourself emotionally as much as possible. The way I see it, Jane will always do things that irritate you and you don't want to let her control your peace of mind or lack thereof. It helps sometimes to view a person such as her as a child.
Also I am terribly cerebral and I tend to analyze the most minute details of a situation-- so don't try to understand her ways because obviously she lives in a different reality than you. I like the fact that you highlighted the positives in your life.
I think that every stepmother has wanted to throw her hands and just walk away. Just like every married woman has tolled over during the night and thought I could smother my husband with his pillow and the snoring will stop. Ok maybe the last one only applies to me.
I think frustration is always present when there is a lack of control. You found a way to turn your anger in a different direction which is good. Somedays you can only pray to keep your sanity. I've started writing emails to my biomom. I get to say all the things I want and then send it to my husband. He gets a laugh and hopefully an insight to my feelings.
Stay strong.
I'm sorry Jane is creating more drama in your life. Yes, I think all stepmoms have difficult moments where they want to walk away. You are doing the right thing by accentuating the positives in your life. Keeping your fiance at the top of that list is your best defense.
I. LOVE. THIS. POST.
I am consumed sometimes too by the anger. And there is little cure for it. But I think you have found a surefire way to fight it down and tame the angry beast. It cannot compete with gratitude. Good for you for choosing to step away from the anger and move towards the peace. I wish I had your courage.
And you are not alone. That IS something to be so thankful for. We are not alone in these horrid situations we face every day. Thanks you for writing this post.
I can totally understand your anger and frustration about the Christmas stuff, and the flu stuff. Pat yourself on the back for handling it so well and for focusing on the positive. Continuing in such a vein will serve you well in the future.
I stumbled across your blog, and had to respond...
Yes, I sometimes want to throw my hands up in the air, and say, "I give up". FYI, even biological moms feel that way now and then.
The thing is, as you pointed out so wonderfully, you have a lot of things to be thankful for, and you know it. Hang on to those when you are having a rough day. :)
Well done! We don't have Thanksgiving here in Australia as such, but I think having a specific time to reflect on all we have to be thankful for is such a powerful ritual for a culture.
I'll be thinking today about all I've got to be grateful for.
Bravo! You handled that so well! And you have so much to be thankful for! I can't wait to catch up soon and hear all about how wedding plans are going!
Pretty cool, everything that came tumbling out once you started thinking about what you were grateful for.
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