Angry At Three In The A.M.

"Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them." ~William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night (Act II, Scene V)

It is 3:31a.m. and I am, once again, awake and on the couch with the cats. However, I’ve already decided that I will NOT be sleeping out on the couch with the cats as I usually do. I have been tossing and turning and not sleeping well at all. I finally said, “Enough is enough! I need to clear my head!” Well, not out loud. I did not want to wake my fiancé. I, as gracefully as possible, came out here. It was deserted at first as the cats have claimed the boys’ room as their own. Boy, are they in for a rude awakening come tomorrow when they come back from Jane’s. The minute I sat down on the couch I must have activated the Cat Signal because they came out one by one and have each planted their fur-butts on either side of me. Just chillen’ as if this is the normal thing that we do. At this point in my life it sure seems like the normal thing that we do often.

The Setup
Today was exhausting. I received a bill about a week and a half ago for my lovely trip to the emergency room for my bee sting adventure. $180 is what that cost me. Well, the $180 was due yesterday. In the midst of trying to be responsible and budget out money, I totally forgot to budget for that, even though it was placed with a magnet up on the white board with the amount and due date in RED marker. I did some crafty financial maneuvering between my savings and both checking accounts. Then I called the Finance Customer Service number on the bill. I figured I’d see what my options were, either pay for it over the phone via plastic, or at least find out what the late fee would be so I could add it to my total. We’ll either someone decided I deserved a break or the gentleman on the other line could tell that I was about to literally fall apart and loose my shit because all that crafty financial maneuvering left me hanging by a single mental thread of sanity. He discovered that, since I have health coverage through work, I might have been misplaced between my transitions from the Southern part of the state to the Northern part of the state (that’s what I get for living in California). So he left me with the hope that my coverage would actually cover this and hopefully I won’t have to pay anything. I expect to receive some thing in the mail showing me that the $180 is covered or that part of it is covered.

Anyway, the point goes back to me hanging by that single mental thread of sanity. Because as soon as I hung up the phone that single mental thread of sanity snapped. My fiancé was home from work, and it was a really good thing because I totally lost my shit. I sat on the couch with him holding me for a good while. The tears came, and I fought them back. A few of those buggers slipped through my iron walls of defense though. And then the anger came and I don’t think anyone has ever seen me shake so violently from anger. In fact, I didn’t know that I could shake so violently from anger. I don’t think I’ve ever in my life been that angry before. Oh wait, I was pretty upset a couple of weeks ago that I was shaking, but nothing to the extent to this.

The Anger
Now, due to my inability to share my emotions when I’m super angry, my poor fiancé was left thinking that I was angry about this bill. It was many hours later that I was able to turn to him and tell him exactly what was going on.

FH: Are you feeling better now.
Me: A little bit.
FH: You were shaking pretty violently earlier.
Me: Well, I was angry.
*Pause*
Me: I was angry because all I could think was “She should be paying to help for their care. We shouldn’t be so financially stretched thin. THIS shouldn’t be happening.”

What I really wanted to add onto that, but didn’t is “This is bullshit. I’m so f’ing tired of paying for the care of the children while she gets to play Mommy every other weekend and not take any responsibility for them.”

What I really wanted to add onto that but didn’t is “I’m so f’ing tired of cleaning up this mess that she keeps insisting on making. I’m so f’ing tired of feeling like I’m the only one with the balls to stand up to her and hold her accountable.” I generally feel bad whenever I think this because I know that my fiance has been trying to change and not let her get her way. But inevitably, he did choose to give Jane her way. And now he's living with the consequences of that choice.

What I was thinking about 15 minutes ago while lying in bed trying to calm down and relax for the 40th time and go to sleep is “I’m done with this shit. I give her chance after chance to be a decent human being, and it’s either a major flaw or a major gift, but every time I give her that chance she disappoints me again and again and again. I’m tired of it and I’m not taking this shit anymore.”

Is there anything I can do about it? Legally, not right now. If I (we) had the money I (we) would sure as hell be bringing her to court and demanding child support. It seriously makes me so angry that she’s not paying any, and that she’s not expected to pay any. It makes me so incredibly angry that she’s been allowed to have responsibility in their lives and yet she’s not being held accountable to help provide any. It makes me even more angry that she had another child, even though she’s not being expected to hold any responsibility for the three children she already has.

I feel like the biggest, meanest, unreasonable bitch because I feel this. Am I going to leave and stop providing care? Heck no I’m not. But as soon as I can afford an option I’m going to take action. I’ve never been one to stand around talking about how I ought to do things. I’ve always taken action.

The Somewhat Tangent Vent
I believe that as a person you have the ability to make a choice. It comes down to the nurture and nature argument I guess. I've always seemed to lean more on the side that people make their lives through their choices. I'm not sure exactly on the spectrum where that falls, but that's where I'm at. A lot of people throw her the nurture bone. She never had a good mother … she never had a good example of how to be a mother … she had a crappy life. All I hear is blah, blah, blah. She has an older sister that has made quite different choices from her and she had the same upbringing. Her older sister is not only a decent human being, but she’s also a responsible mother.

I believe that you can let yourself be the victim, or you can make the choice to change and walk away. I’ve been the abused girlfriend. I might not have made the choice to be hit, but I sure as hell made the choice to say “I will not take this treatment anymore” and I walked away. I was the anorexic in college. I chose for a long time to play victim to the mental disorder. I chose for many, many years that anorexia had a hold of me and I could not break free. And one day I realized that no, I had the choice to change. And I did.

Yes, I had a good upbringing, but not the best role model as a mother. My mother and I still don’t have a close relationship, and I’ve chosen many a times not to call her or ask her for help, or confide in her. But as I’ve grown older I’ve also chosen many other times to call her when I’m upset and crying. I might selectively choose the specific event I’m calling about, but I’ve chosen to take those steps.

If there is any impact or impression that I hope the boys walk away with from living with me, it's that they realize that they have the ability to choose, and that a single choice they choose to take action on can make a world of difference in their lives. And if it's the wrong choice, they can choose to learn from it and not make the same wrong choice again.

Sorry for the rant, but I’m just so tired of people given Jane excuses. I’m already exhausted and tired of this game she plays. I’ve already started to take steps to show her that we’re not playing it anymore. And I say “we” because my fiancé and I are in this relationship together. If he’s not willing to work with me to stand up to this nonsense, and if I’m not willing to bend totally over breaking my back to play her game then it’s not going to work. And after talking with him on numerous occasions, I’ve concluded that we’re not bending over to break our backs anymore. We’ll bend for some flexibility, but we’re not playing her game.

Thank You
So, if you’ve read through my anger, I thank you. And please know that I totally appreciate you. I am thankful for you. I am thankful for you even if you didn’t get past the second or third paragraph. I’m also thankful for my fiancé, because for once in my life I’ve found someone who will listen to me. We may not always see eye to eye, but we’re willing to try and work something out. And I’m also thankful for my cats. Both of which, have passed out, furry heads laid out on my lap top keyboard.

And at 4:10am, I will conclude my rant, and attempt sleep once again.

I hope that you all have a wonderful holiday season with your family and friends. I hope that you get your holiday shopping expeditions fulfilled. I hope that you have a burned-food free holiday baking mission. I hope that, if you drink, you drink plenty and have a good time. I know I will.