Let me start off that this latest task has been brought on by many frustrations that roll back to the boys lacking any grasp on the concept of being responsible. I had stepped on one too many toys that were not put away. I got tired of finding important items (like shoes/belts/books) that were hiding in unmade bed blankets and sheets, and this was me finding them after the boys complaining that they looked and looked and looked and couldn’t find the item. I really was pushed to the limit though with the Older Boy.
In the past couple of months he has:
- Lost his spelling/vocabulary word list TWICE
- Forgot to do important homework (that, I should mention, was stapled to the packet of other homework that he had already done that day and finished and said that he was done with.)
- Forgot his warm, winter coat at his martial arts class
- Forgotten his lunch bag and didn’t take initiative to go retrieve it himself TWICE
And I’m sure there are others but these listed were rather important. Although I could deal without the lunch bag, but because it’s happened multiple times it’s landed on the list.
Anyway, just verbally telling them that they need to be responsible wasn’t cutting it. I had to put some action behind those words. And man, trying to teach children to be responsible (especially when we’re the only household that gives a damn that they learn this) has been a bit rough. Plus I’ve been trying to make sure that we are setting a good example ourselves so that we serve as good role models.
One thing that has been successful thus far has been the issue with putting toys away. It started one night when the boys were in bed and I looked around the living room (sprinkled with Thomas & Friends engines, Legos and other toys here and there). I walked into their room, turned the light on and told them that they needed to start being responsible about putting their toys away or I would find a child that would be responsible and thankful for the toys. After I closed the door my fiancé said that they had been told that before. I responded with, “Well, they haven’t been told that by me.” I held true to my word and have a bag that has toys the boys left out after being asked to put their toys away.
I also have been working on listening skills, specifically: When I ask you to put your toys away that means you should stop playing with them and put your toys away. This was sparked after a night that I had to ask Middle Boy three times to put his toys away. Technically it was four times, except the fourth time I walked in there and saw him jump up from playing and start putting toys away and I responded with, “When I ask you to put your toys away, that means put your toys away. If I have to come in here and ask you again, any toys still on the ground are mine.” Well, that seemed to fix that issue. Especially after Middle Boy saw me pick up some Thomas train tracks lying on the ground and put them in my bag. Toys have since then been put away each time they are asked, and before they go to bed. And I’ve only had to ask twice at the most in the last two weeks.
We’ve used sticker charts with the boys for a couple of different things, and they have been really helpful and successful. My fiancé and I have talked about making a Responsibility Chart for the boys. Some of the things that we wanted to put on there are:
- Making my bed in the morning
- Finishing all homework for the day
- Putting my toys away before bedtime
- Putting my clothes away when asked
Of course some of these will only apply when applicable (homework on weekdays and clothes when there are clothes to be put away. We also talked about different fun things to do for when they do all that they are supposed to do. We’ve talked about whether we should start off doing it week by week or every two weeks the boys get something fun if they do everything they’re supposed to.
My sister and I had Chore Charts, and boy, did they work on us. I’m hoping that they will work with the boys on learning a little something about responsibility. My only concern is that the boys will connect “doing this action” gets “stickers on a chart” which equals a “reward.” And I really don’t want to reward actions that should be done anyway, but I know that we need to start somewhere and that making things somewhat fun might result in better cooperation from them.
I’d like to know what you have done to teach responsibility to your children, and do you have any other suggestions on things I can work with the boys on being responsible about? I do realize that they are children, but I really think that they’re old enough to learn about being responsible about things.
3 comments:
HA! The golden question...I've tried a battery of things with our oldest two. I'm thinking by the time our youngest is old enough to really take on her own responsibilities maybe I’ll have it figured out! Sticker charts have failed for us thus far...My next thought...money...ugh I hate to say it, but it motivates a lot of us to do a lot of things! My step kids included. I've already nixed the thought of an "allowance". My next thought. I don't mind parting with a nickel or dime when they've done something I’ve asked (with minimal persuasion) So I’m thinking I’m going to give them each a jar (thinking jelly jar at this point, take them longer to fill up) with a line drawn on it (thinking nearish the top at this point) Change (I won’t specify because I don’t want to be required to keep a supply of specific coins on hand) will be issued for basically "doing what is asked". Only rule is they can't "cash out" their jar until it is full up to the line....hum...kind of sounds better then I thought when I actually put it in writing...might just work...
Anyway, good luck to you too!
"And man, trying to teach children to be responsible (especially when we’re the only household that gives a damn that they learn this) has been a bit rough".
Definitely hear you on this. It's like starting all over again after they've been away from our house. Plus, when responsibility is shirked and they see that lying = getting out of trouble and getting my way with certain others, well, responsibility is next to impossible to teach.
Consistency is important. So is backing each other up. If I let the kids get away with something or if my boyfriend doesn't back me up, the kids just learn to divide and conquer!
Crys - I so hear you on this one! We had the same problem, Cruella gives a damn about nothing! We used star charts, each day the would earn a 'star' if they did what had been asked of them - but would have to hand back 2 'stars' if they didn't. We let the boys devise a 'star' price list and at the end of each week they could trade the stars for something on the list. It worked a treat and after they had had to physically hand back 2 stars for not doing as they were told their behaviour soon improved.
One occassion really sticks in my mind - Cruella had sent Woody to school with two left feet shoes on and Charlie had a pair of canvas shoes on - in winter. I took them to buy new leather shoes (£30 a pair). The next day they returned from school and both of then had taken the leather off of the toes playing 'motorbikes'. I was so cross with them as they just brushed me off stating that it didn't matter, Dad would buy them new ones! They were soon both in tears when they were told to empty their piggy banks and hand me back the £30 I had paid. (I actually deposited the £30 into their savings account but to this day they believe they paid for their shoes). Each and every day since then, the boys take off their school shoes and clean them when they get home. I still tell them that if they don't respect and look after their things that we buy them then they will have to pay for them themselves.
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