Self-Imposed Ickyness - Pressure To Not Fail

I absolutely adore my boyfriend’s family. It’s funny, since we dated in 7th grade I had some sort of view of them. I played softball on a team against the one that one of his sisters was on and his dad coached. I also was fairly intimidated by his mom who was on the same side as mine when it came to our first date to the movie theater. They very much insisted that we go on a group activity instead of just us two on a date. (Which I understand now, but as a 7th grade girl it was rather inconvenient to go and find friends that could go that I didn’t mind tagging along.) Then I moved and there is was a big gap, and now I have a completely different perspective of them.

We have family dinners with his two sisters and their families often. And I’ll talk to his mom on the phone now and then. And his dad and I are the only ones in the family that drink coffee… needless to say, I love being a part of his family now.

The thing though is that I feel a pressure whenever I’m with them. I don’t necessarily think that they’re trying to put it on me. I truly think that this pressure is self applied, but the fact is that I feel it. As said in a past post (The Vodka On Top Of The Fridge) I feel like such an outsider because of how I’ve lived my life and how they’ve lived theirs, but I feel this pressure that I have to prove that I’m fit to be a good parent, that I am a good parent to the boys to them. This pressure to prove that I’m fit to be a future good wife, that I am a good partner to their brother. I feel like they’re putting me side-by-side with Jane and comparing us, and damn, of all the people you’re going to compare me to, I really dislike, with a fierce passion, being compared to her.

I don’t usually ask details of life before me (unless its something that I need background info on, like how have you guys done “this” or “that” before). But his family throws them out now and then. Usually it’s starts with praise for me (usually from his mother) or a comment about how much better, how well, or how good the way things are run/handled concerning the boys are now. Then it's followed with some detail about how she did it (and it always disappoints me to hear how not great or selfish she is.) And trust me, it is so nice to get the pat on the back, but that being compared to Jane thing again … it just feels so slimy and uncomfortable.

It’s just I feel spotlighted sometimes, that now that I’ve been acknowledged that I’m doing so well, or so much better than Jane ever did, that I have to make sure that I don’t mess up, that I don’t slip. (It must be that hidden need to be perfect and the best at everything I do. Damn that impulse! That will be a future post.)

Am I making sense here? I’m not sure if I am, but it’s one of those icky and weird feelings that I feel that I don’t think I’ve quite figured completely out yet. Much less one I don’t know will ever go away, but there’s got to be a way to deal with it … To thin out the thickness of it.

I feel like the student that is being pressured by his parents to get straight A’s. Except their not saying “You had better be a good mom/partner or else…” I feel like my actions and how I deal with things, and the things I tell them are looked at and being compared (possibly) to what/how Jane used to do it. And I’m pretty sure I already mentioned this but I sure as hell don’t like being compared to Jane by anyone (although I know that really there is no way around it.)

As I said, it’s self applied, but I hate the feeling of it. And it’s just yet, another challenge (of self-imposed ickyness) that I need to work on balancing out.

But, I don’t let this stop me from hanging out with them and having a good time.