So remember how Jane wants to have each of the boys over for an individual week during the summer? Well I found out that my fiancé left out a vital detail when he first relayed her request. She specifically asked for time with the two OLDER boys. She doesn’t want Younger Boy out to spend one-on-one time with her.
Can I tell you how enraged I was when I found that out last night? Can I tell you how much my heart ached for Younger Boy? In case you missed it or need a reminder – this isn’t the first time she’s left Younger Boy out. I’ve noticed this trend that when she’s asking for the boys she often does ask for the older two.
I don’t get why she doesn’t want him this time though. He’s fully potty-trained. Unless he still manipulates her into thinking that he’s not. Another reason I can think of is maybe she just doesn’t want to deal with him being mean to her man. I found out that not only does Younger Boy not listen to him, but he also chucks Thomas & Friends toys at him. She also has mentioned that Younger Boy has at times had baby envy when it comes to her baby. (Can you really blame him? She left when he was two and a baby himself? And now there is this new baby that gets the little attention she's willing to give out?) And she lets him and doesn’t really do a whole lot to prevent or change this behavior. Heck, she’s not even paying attention to him half the time that he’s over there.
Anyway, I’m trying to figure this out. I’m not going to force him upon her for a whole weekend if she doesn’t want him there. That just sounds like a lose-lose situation to me. She’ll be not pleased and thus the result may end up in him feeling totally like crap. Also, I don’t want Middle Boy rubbing it in his face that they’re going to be spending extra one-on-one time with her. Because, trust me, he will. Intentionally to be competitive and unintentionally not realizing that Younger Boy really won’t get a chance.
The easy quick fix solution is not to tell any of them about these arrangements and to perhaps kind of last minute surprise them with it. Middle Boy is notorious for rubbing in anyone that will listens the fact that he’s going to spend time with Jane ... especially when Younger Boy isn’t going to be able to – Even when we ask him not to do so. Younger Boy may be 3 (almost four) but he’s not stupid. He’s not unintelligent. He catches on to these things. And he gets sad.
The long term thing I’m worried about is how to explain it to the boys. How do we explain to Older Boy and Middle Boy that Jane didn’t want Younger Boy to come stay with her? And when he gets old enough to realize that he didn’t get to go have special one-on-one time with her but his brothers did, how the hell do we tell Younger Boy the reasoning behind that? I’m sure as hell not taking any falls for her or lying for her or taking extra effort to mask her selfishness. But I’m not about to be bluntly honest and say “She didn’t want you to come.”
So I only have to worry about half of that long term thing I guess for right now. Because Older Boy and Middle Boy are old enough to realize that Younger Boy isn’t going to get this special time with her. Do we leave that unsaid? Because Older Boy will ask … and he’ll connect … and he’s the one that asks those rough but honest questions that you don’t quite now how to answer because you can't be that bluntly honest in this situation. If anything he’s the only one we’d probably have to explain things too … he’s the one that will really remember. And I really hate being in the position where we might have to reveal his mother’s true colors to him …especially at the age of nine.
I’m seriously most disappointed this time and angry at her. Seriously, what the hell is her problem? I can understand wanting to get some one-on-one time with each of the boys, but I don’t understand excluding one of them … Especially the baby of the bunch.
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4 years ago
11 comments:
Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. Did I say yuck? OK, now that I've gotten that out...
This sucks.
Maybe it's appropriate in this situation to just make up plausible explanations while the boys are young as to why things are the way they are. Explanations that won't cause them to have negative feelings (whether it's younger boy feeling sad and rejected or middle boy feeling haughty, etc). God knows what their relationship with their mother looks like when they're older. But for now, maybe you could just make younger boy's time that he's spending with you two extra-special, a treat, something that you desire and think is cool. And yeah, I think withholding info from the boys about visitation until the very last minute is not a bad idea at all.
Yuck, sucks. Ew.
OMG!!! I completely second Heather T's initial comments!
Dude, this is crap...Period!
So I know in the past that you've done exactly as Heather suggested and made YB's time with you guys (when he's excluded from Jane) special time for him. I agree at his age that is still probably the best way to lessen the blow. He is starting to figure stuff out yes, but he's still young enough that redirection can save the day.
Agree also with (for MB) springing it on him last minute may be the best as well. That will eliminate the pre trip haughtiness and hopefully leave you able to combat the post trip attitude.
As for OB...you, know, he's not much younger then Nemo and I find myself saying "I know he shouldn't have to deal with this but..." and the statement is normally rounded out with "unfortunately he's old enough to understand." They are still to young but are old enough too...I find that sometimes stating things simply and to the point give them enough to satisfy they're urge to understand and at the same time doesn't give them to much to dwell on. (I just hope that's actually the effect it has) Like if we were in this situation and Nemo asked why his other sibling wasn't going I'd simply tell him "Mom choose to only see you this time." or even better "This time it's just going to be you." kind of leaving it open ended to insinuate that the other may get a chance at a later date...and then like a mad women move on to the next subject ;)
But this really just sucks all around!
That's just harsh. I'm sorry- for all of you.
I cannot imagine having to explain this ugly situation to the boys. I agree that if you can't convince Jane to take all three boys, you'll have to minimize the blow to the boys by keeping it a secret until the very last minute (that is assuming Jane won't prematurely excite them on the phone prior to each visit and foil your plan).
I had a similar problem with my in-laws playing favorites with my stepkids. It made absolutely no sense to me, but they preferred spending time with the Older Boy and shunned Younger Girl. I took it upon myself to make sure Younger Girl had a special treat when Older Boy would go to his grandparents' house for a visit, but ultimately she still felt quite neglected by the grandparents.
We all just do the best we can with what we have. Your boys are very lucky to have you on their side.
Thank you everyone for your input on this! I think sometimes I second guess my ideas thinking maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. And i really appreciate not only the support (whether you agree or not) and the other ideas and points of view.
i don't know what the possibility of this is, but can you just NOT let her see them at all? she left them. she wants to see them when it's convenient for her. she is their mother and she is HARDLY acting like it.
sigh. the other comments were more productive than mine.
can you just give her a wedgie and pull her hair until she comes to her senses?
It blows my mind when a mother chooses to leave her children. And blows it even more when said mother plays favorites. What a sad situation to have to deal with.
Would it ever work to say, "We'll be happy to make the arrangements you desire as long as you make the arrangements equal for ALL of the boys, otherwise we'll just keep the boys in our stable environment..."
I don't know. It is a tough thing to be dealing with.
Is it possible to have a reasonably adult conversation with her and ask point-blank why she doesn't want the youngest boy to come? And how she expects that not to hurt like hell for him?
There is no way he won't figure out he wasn't wanted. I agree with not taking the fall for her or lying for her, but in the end, there is no way to not hurt him because of her choices.
Urgh. I toes curled reading this.
I agree 100% with Heather T.
The one thing I've noticed in these comments is that nobody has stated the obvious; YOU are their Mother.
She's a woman who the older two remember and like visiting with while your baby doesn't.
Yes to what Minnie said! I don't fully know your whole story, but if You are the primary mom, then you need to remind them all of that.
I truly don't get it. Why does she not want time with her youngest child? that is heartbreaking. And yes, he'll figure it out. I also agree with other commenters in not taking the fall for her. It IS ok for YB to be sad, and feel loss. It may not be fun for HIM and you are left picking up the pieces, but that is reality. And goes back to the fact that YOU are the mother, and the one who is there for these kids.
Man oh man. Let us know what happens.
Wow, you're in territory I have no experience with, so I don't really have any advice to offer. I'm sorry! I'm always happy to listen, and remind you of what a great influence you are on the boys.
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