It Feels Strange

I’m not quite sure how to word my current feelings so I guess I’ll just explain what I can.

A while ago FH had told me about an e-mail he had found from Jane to her guy (this was before the divorce was finalized and all that jazz. I almost want to say it right after she had said something about wanting to get divorced.) Anyway, in this e-mail she mentions that all she’s ever wanted in life was to have a little girl and to live out in the country.

As you may recall, Jane now has four boys, and I’m having the little girl.

Yesterday we picked the boys’ up from Jane. She had called Sunday afternoon to inform us she had Monday off. Not being ones to miss out on a night alone we suggested she take the boys that evening. Anyway, on the way into the house I noticed a small gift bag that looked very much like a gift for a baby. I looked at FH and he said that Jane had gotten it for the baby.

After the boys went to bed I opened it and looked through it. She had sent over some rather nice things. Baby onesies (not the cheap brands) in the colors I had indicated on my registries that I wanted, baby toys and some baby essentials like wash and powder. I looked at FH and found myself thinking aloud that I wished she put this type of effort into her own children.

To back up a bit, she recently sent Middle Boy home with some new packs of underwear. Take note that Middle Boy is a wiry, skinny little stick that is wearing size 6-7. The underwear was size 10-12 and size 14-16. Luckily Older Boy just fits into the 10-12, but we’ll have to see I guess if he’s going to be willing to wear dragon underwear when he’s able to fit into a 14-16. Note Older Boy is a wiry, skinny stick that needs slim jeans too. Also, all the clothes she’s ever bought the boys are two-three sizes too big. Older Boy came home in a shirt that fit him like a dress (well down to his knees.)

Anyway, in response FH made the comment that it would be kind of weird if Jane kept buying our baby things because it’s a girl.

Many of you may remember that I try very hard to put a positive spin on things to save myself the ickyness of suspicion and stress from Jane. So a part of me keeps reminding myself, “Oh, that was a very kind gesture on behalf of Jane.”

The other half though is kind of pissed that she did go to the trouble of doing such a nice thing for the baby when she does jack squat for her own kids. And the other half is horrified that maybe FH might not be too far off in wondering if she’s going to push her baby girl dreams onto our child since she doesn’t have one.

Then there is still that other little voice in the back of my mind that’s been nagging at me: “She’s going to be pregnant again anyway, especially once I have my baby and the boys do nothing but talk about their little sister.” Her youngest boy is going to be 2 years old this year. And if she keeps in tradition she’s due to get pregnant again sometime this year or next.

Anyway, I guess I’m still trying to feel it all out. It makes me somewhat uncomfortable though that there’s an underlying plan on her part. She’s not exactly a selfless and considerate mother/person. I think I’m more pissed off because I’ve seen what she provides for the boys and here she is spending decent money on our child.

It's Setting In & Some Swank

It’s Setting In
I picked up my wedding dress and accessories today. Younger Boy came with me to help get out of the house and he proudly helped hold up the bottom of the dress bag for me. I must say it was kind of nice to have the help as I struggle up the staircase with a Caffino, the keys and my purse in one hand and the top part of my dress and bag with my veil and sash in the other. Otherwise I would most likely have dragged the bottom part of the dress bag up the stairs hoping that it wouldn’t tear and dirty the precious gown inside.

Bringing home the whole shebang though and seeing that I had 155 days on my Wedding Countdown Counter on my Facebook page kind of sunk in that I’m getting married next year. And I tell you now; I have been far too busy being an instant mom, an instant domesticated goddess to a family of five and a workaholic to really let it sink in.

And it’s still slowly sinking in that I’m getting married, and I’m officially going to be an instant mom, and that I’ll officially be off the market. Technically I am off the market, but as the saying is sometimes thrown around “I’m not married yet.” But still … it’s just plain weird to me. I enjoyed my long distance relationships that didn't get in the way of my career so much, that it just seemed so out of character for me to suddenly walk away from it all to be an instant mom. I don't think I've stopped to think about any of that either. Who has time to do such things when you're dealing with kids and Jane and work?

I'm getting married. Me … who the longest relationship I’ve had was back in high school (almost two years). And after that I was pretty good at having a new boyfriend every three to six months. And those were the long term ones. A guy was lucky if he was worth dating past two weeks. Even my own mother stopped trying to keep track of who I was dating after I went off to college.

So even though I have this role of stepmother in my heart and efforts, the thought of actually being married and someone’s wife is a whole other issue I’m finally considering.

Weird…just plain weird to me.

Some Swank
The awesome and amazing Swanky Smirking Cat has bestowed upon me the Swank Award. She finds my thought and heart of my stepmom role swanky. So Thanks!!

And now I shall pass on the Swank to my fellow following bloggers:

KweenMama: Who truly is the definition of Swank with her tips and recipes and advice.

JustMe: Who seems to always experience and understand just what I’m going through…because she’s often experiencing it at the same time too. She is by far swanky!

Congrats ladies!

My Mothering Skills Under Spotlight

Sorry for the lack of blogs last week. It was a busy work week followed by a crazy busy weekend. It was a fun weekend, but there is one specific adventure I wanted to share.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m good friends with Jane’s older sister. (I can’t remember what I called her before so I’ll call her Allison.) Allison is very much the black sheep of her family. By that I mean that she’s responsible, she doesn’t play the victim and she’s social. She also isn’t a big fan of Jane’s actions. I think she gets just as frustrated by everything Jane does. She's told me things that Jane has said to her and the things she's either admitted/or lied hoping to do I don't know what make me shudder. I think she often tries to figure out where it all went wrong with her sister. We have family game nights with Allison and her family at least once month. We’ve dubbed each other family and adopted sisters because that’s just how it feels.

Anyway, Allison had a joint birthday party for her two daughters this weekend. I was kind of anxious knowing that Jane might show up, but I was fairly convinced that Jane would not show. Jane canceled her visit with the boys this week with the vague excuse that she was being pulled out of the area for something. And I found out at the party I was right, Jane wasn’t coming because she had work. However, the rest of the family was there.

Jolie was there, Jane’s grandma was there, and some of her cousins were there. It was a bit intimidating. The only interaction I had really had with Jolie was the one time that I stayed the night over at house when my fiancé was still living there and when we would pick the boys up from her house if they were visiting. At the party I had the chance to sit down and socialize.

What caught me off guard was when Jane and Allison’s grandma (Grandma) came up and gave me a hug when she introduced herself to me. Allison was with me when she came over so it wasn’t as intimidating. What was intimidating was knowing that I was being observed. I made sure to be myself though. It wasn’t the first time that I felt that my mothering skills and techniques were under observation, but it was the first time that it was being done by Jane’s family.

And it wasn’t that bad. I’m sure my own personality helped though. I’m by nature a social bee. I’ve also been told that I’m quite charming and pleasant to talk to. I also made sure that I talked a little bit about myself as well as what we’ve been up to with the boys. Both Jolie and Grandma seemed so excited to hear about all the recent accomplishments of all the boys. I risked opening myself a little to them so that they could get to know me as an individual a bit better too. If felt like walking on thin ice, but it felt comfortable. Maybe I just have more confidence in myself than I give myself credit for. I think that they both saw how much the boys have blossomed and how well they are doing now. It didn’t feel quite as much as I had to prove myself to them, although that’s what I know I was doing.

By the end of the day Grandma gave me a hug. She told me that she loved me before she met me and now that she has she loves me even more and that I’m doing a good job. I felt a lot of relief, as I usually do when people tell me that I’m doing a god job. It’s not so much that I doubt myself, it’s more that I’ve jumped into this feet first without any clue what I was doing. So the reassurance helps me feel like I’m doing some good. It also gave me much relief that someone is out there batting for me. It was a really good feeling to know that Allison is telling her family all of the good that has been going on in our family lately, as well as letting them know that I’m a good person.

Who knows what Jane has told her family about me. Not that I expect much since she has nothing to go off of except her own bitterness. I came after their divorce and I had nothing to do with the choices she's made. It's. But still … I’m very thankful for my relationship with Allison. It has helped me a lot in my new step mom lifestyle.

Is It A Coincidence or Not?

I have two kids home with me today. Younger Boy with his animal nose band-aid and a puking Middle Boy. The boys went over to play at Jolie’s (Jane’s mom) yesterday so that my fiancé and I could have a day together to spend some quality time. I woke up this morning (after a night of tossing and turning) to the sound of a boy puking and gagging in the bathroom. My fiancé was up at the time so he handled it, however when I woke up I went into the room and (as I thought) discovered that a majority of it had ended up in the bed sheets.

Now there is something that has been on both my and my future hubby’s mind. Middle Boy has had a history of getting sick after spending time over at Jolie’s place (and occasionally with Jane). We have some theories I wanted to run by you lovely ladies. (I can’t remember what I originally named Jane’s mom so let’s just call her Jolie)

Theory One – Not So Healthy Food
In the beginning months of me moving here (and when the boys were rotating overnight weekend visits at Jane’s) Middle Boy had the tendency to start puking. We thought that perhaps it was related to the types of foods she was feeding him. At our home he received nutritious homemade meals and fresh fruits and veggies. We baked chicken nuggets or grilled hamburgers once in a while or ordered in pizza on nights that we’re just running out of time. And once in a blue moon the boys get fast food when they’re out with their aunts (my future hubby’s sisters) … but that’s the extent of fast food in their systems. When they are with Jolie and Jane they often are fed fast food, corn dogs, chips and other snacks that we usually don’t have in our home. In short, we thought maybe his stomach was being sensitive to the change in the type of food that he was being offered between both of our households. (This theory was also applied to Younger Boy’s Flamin’ Hot Cheetos vomit incident.)

Theory Two – A Not So Healthy Environment
Now as I work in the pet industry I don’t knock people who have a lot of pets. It does, however, worry me when I walk into your house and it smells like a petting zoo. In fact, I think that I’ve walked into barns that smelled better than Jolie’s house. I have great concerns in sending them over there, but that’s where she lives and we don’t have much choice in that matter. Let me explain … Jolie lives with her sister Ruth (who actually owns the house and has the big heart to rescue and take care of all the animals).

Concern 1 – It’s just not all that clean. There are quite a few animals in that house. (How they got there is another story.) There’s at least three dogs, 8 cats, 4 birds, three turtles, a guinea pig, a mouse … I think I’m missing some more but I could be wrong. I know that there used to be iguanas but those were adopted by someone. There’s cat litter, cat/dog body fluids all over the place (including couch and table tops [table tops they eat on]). You walk in there and you feel a film of ickyness start to cling to your skin … and all you want to do it get out of there. I’ve slept in that house once. I never wanted to sleep there again and luckily I had convinced my fiancé to move out anyway. One of the main reasons I don’t like going over there anyway is that I can’t stand the ickyness of it.

Concern 2 – There is a hole in the wood floor. I kid you not. The wood floor was installed by someone Ruth knows (knew). And it started sagging, and then it became a hole. I assume it’s caused by 1) its an older house and the floor supports are all funky and 2) a cheap and poorly done floor installation. They’ve moved the couch so that it covers the hole. But that scares the heck out of me too. How the heck do they know that the couch isn’t going to fall through the floor?

Concern 3 – This house is located in the not so great part of the city. I grew up a couple of streets down so I know this from experience. I grew up in my dad’s family house, and the neighborhood went to shit around it and the other nice folks that lived there. All it takes is a couple of bad apples (drug dealers) to turn a neighborhood sour. When I was little there was a pipe bomb in the playground across the street. There was a drug dealer two doors down that got shot at (his house was shot at multiple times). We woke up with a bullet in our window. I joke (yet am serious) when I tell people that I can hit the light switch and the floor in one swift fluid motion. Jolie and Ruth’s house isn’t that far from where I used to live. I know for a fact some guy was shot at the corner intersection. I also know for a fact that the apartment complex across the street from their house is shady.

Back on topic, it’s Concern 1 that relates to this post. I have this nagging wonder if the condition of that house has something to do with Middle Boy getting sick all the time. Like I said, this is not the first time he’s come back from spending the day over there. He also spent the night over there the time that he woke up with a raging ear infection. I wondered if maybe he had gotten something in his ear canal that caused it to inflame that badly and that quickly. Because he was doing pretty well the last time I had seen him (that Sunday morning).

Anyway, is it a coincidence that Middle Boy keeps getting sick when he goes over to see them or is it possibly a combination of these theories that he’s getting sick. The boy doesn’t get sick, except for these instances. Although he did manage to catch a 24-hour flu bug from class, the joys of kindergarten.

We’re kind of at a loss of how to approach this. We’re don’t want Middle Boy to continue getting sick whenever he comes back from their place, but we can’t exactly link that he’s getting sick from being over there (even though he pretty much always gets sick when he goes over there).

So here I am … with a band-aid nosed Younger Boy and an upset stomached Middle Boy.

I Have Officially Merged

I had a fantastic weekend. I had to travel to So Cal for my company’s annual banquet, and then I discovered that I can still take shots like a champion, dance like a pro and wake up the next morning and function pretty decently. Although I’m pretty sure I killed some brain cells with my multiple Red Bull and Peach Stoli drinks. I’m sure the purple hooter, red headed slut, and Jaeger bomb didn’t help much either. I woke up, walked around a bit with my best friend Summer and said “Today I feel stupider for some reason.”

Anyway, I had a fantastic weekend full of booze and dancing, and I’ve stumbled upon a grand discovery. Its official folks … I’ve transitioned into a mom. Let me share.

Occurrence One
After the banquet I went to the traditional hangout bar with some of my co-workers. I was sitting with some of them, whom I consider good friends, when I opened up my purse to look for lip gloss. I’m digging, digging, digging around when I fish out a Hot Wheels car. (Do note that all the co-workers at my table are male.) So there I was, holding up a green, shiny Hot Wheels car. My friend Ben didn’t even try to keep from commenting. The look on his face said plenty.

Crys: Shut up *In no particular direction, but mainly to anyone that was plotting something smart to say*
Ben: That’s awesome.
Crys: Don’t say it.
Ben: You’ve become a mom.
Will: Look, she has two cars!

Oh yes folks, a nice shiny orange Hot Wheels car managed its way into view. I then took the opportunity to see what else I had. Last year if you looked into my purse you would have found: pens, old receipts, my wallet, tampons and condoms. Well, Friday I found that my purse now contains: pens, old receipts, my wallet, tampons, two Hot Wheels cars, eight crayons, four mini-lollipops, three disfigured Rolos and two Kung Fu Panda stickers. Oh yeah, the males at the table really got a hoot out of that.

Occurrence Two
Saturday night my friends, my sister Wendy and I were heading out to a night club to get to some good boozing and dancing. I’m in the front seat with my friend Ben. Wendy and Summer are in the backseat. The conversation goes:

Wendy: Ben, will you take me to the bank near the club?
Crys: *turns around* How do you ask?
Wendy: Ben, will you please take me to the bank near the club? *Don’t forget to emphasize the please.*
Ben: You’re such a mom. You didn’t even have to think about it before you said it.
Crys: Shut up.

Those have been the most significant occurrences that I’ve actually noticed. Others include the fact that I have a photo of the boys in my wallet and was readily willing to pull it out upon request this weekend. It was rather, interesting … funny … weird and strange to realize that my lives have so successfully merged into becoming “the mom” that I have become.

OK, I’m laughing. I admit it’s far too amusing not to.

Change Is Warm, Fuzzy And Strange

I noticed today, that my photos have changed. And it almost seemed to be one of those "I woke up this morning and realized..." things. And I don't mean me personally, but just the theme and people in them. My college photos are in the beginning...the parties, the themed parties, the crazy fun times. Following that are the after college party days. At the bar on a pub crawl, at a random party, still crazy but in a surprisingly more mature and sophisticated matter. And now, the photos are of the kids...some of me and the boyfriend...some of the cat...but mainly the kids.

When did that happen?!?

Not that it's a bad thing, but it's strange to say the least. Pleasant and warm and fuzzy, but strange.

I guess it's a part of that big change that I'm just in the beginning stages of. I was at lunch with my editor today and she kind of just sat back and said, "You've got a lot of stuff coming up that you're going to be dealing with. A lot of change."

It made me think of how some of my friends are taking this change in my life. Some of them are absolutely shocked. I mean jaw-dropping-silent shocked. Others are letting it soak in...slowly but surely, letting it soak in. With them I have to explain things two or three times. And they're slowing piecing it together. And then there are the parents and siblings. Who of course, have us already practically married in their minds.

I'm not sure where I'm at. I'm floating along, getting a major reality check thrown at me out of no where. I eventually catch it...but it leaves me sort of stunned. It's like getting hit in the stomach with a ball when you're looking the other way.

A lot of the changes are things that I know are happening, that I have to focus on happening. And others...well they just happen and then you wake up one morning and realize they're there.

I wonder what else has changed that I have yet to notice...and what else is just waiting in the shadows to leap out at me yelling "Surprise! Guess What!"

Warm, fuzzy and strange all at the same time. I can't really complain...despite the strange I'm the happiest and feel the most complete than I've ever felt before. Ick...how sappy do I sound. I'll just leave it as above...warm fuzzies and strange.