Older Boy Is Blossoming

I am ever so thankful that the boys are all younger than tween years. I’m able to still work with them on behavior and teach responsibility young enough for them to hopefully grasp it into their teenage years. However, I am even more thankful for Older Boy. He just turned 9 and is old enough to grasp things. I am sad that he’s had to experience the heartache and pain of having his parents divorce, but I am glad that he’s been able to see the positive changes and is starting to grasp the right from the wrong.

Older Boy is very motherly, however I’ve been working with him to be less “I’ll do it for you” and more “I’m going to help show you/teach you how to do it for yourself” with his younger brothers. (I’ve had to do the same lesson with my fiancé but I’m proud to say that he’s caught on to his lesson on that very well.) Backing up a bit, I’m very thankful for Older Boy.

Older Boy has helped me to potty train Younger Boy. And he’s helped to be the good example of how to do it with him for other things too. He’s helped to be an example of how to be a big boy and eat your food. He’s helped to be an example of how to buckle your seat belt. And he’s also been oh so helpful in being the example of how to do the right thing, and what to do when you see others doing the wrong thing (although we’re still in the process of that but slow and steady is better then not at all).

I think that this “Helping to teach” his younger brothers has been helping to boost his confidence in himself and helping him to feel more independent as well. My latest request for him was actually to help show Middle Boy how to do something.

Usually Older Boy will help me out by sitting with Middle Boy while he reads to help with words he gets stuck on. However, lately I decided that Middle Boy really needed a lesson on how to properly brush his teeth. And by properly brush his teeth I mean not to make a giant foaming mess that will end up on my shirt hem or pants when I go to put my contacts in/do my hair or make up. Older Boy was up to the challenge. Not only was he awesome and show Middle Boy how he brushes his teeth, but he also stayed to watch Middle Boy brush his teeth and even was very helpful in providing tips and reminders to Middle Boy like “spit in the middle of the sink” and “don’t allow the foam to just fall out of your mouth and onto the counter top.”

I was making lunches for them while they were doing this, but all I could think was, “Thank goodness for Older Boy!”

I’ve also been trying to connect with him as being the oldest child in the family. (My fiancé is the youngest in his.) I think he’s been pretty thankful that he has another older child to relate too. Whenever we have to do the “You’re the older brother and you have to set the example” sort of thing I always tell him one of my experiences that I had to learn about being the good example for my younger sister. It probably also helps that my mother tells him stories of the time I messed up and what I learned growing up as the older child.

It is absolutely amazing to me how much Older Boy has blossomed since I moved in. He started off being this really quiet and not very confident boy in his shell all the time. He’s a thinker that observes the situation at first, but he’s really started to come out of his shell and be more of a participant than just an observer. I think having people who encourage him, challenge him, and show him that there are so many opportunities out there and all you have to do is try has really helped him a lot.

Younger Boy Antics

I always joke around that Younger Boy and I are attached at the hip since we literally spend all day together. I’ve come to the conclusion though that the kid needs some friends his age. I’m starting to rub off on him.

Corruption 1 – My Pony
I don’t know if any of you have heard it, but this sweet Northern California band, Far, did a cover of Ginuwine’s “Pony” from the 80s music scene. Anyway, Far’s version of Pony is one of my favorite rock covers yet. I don’t play it over and over, but I do play it often while I’m working out or just working.

My fiancé and I were sitting on the couch earlier this week. Younger Boy was splashing around in the bathtub. Out of now where I hear, “Ride my pony” come from out of the bathroom. He was singing his own version. I started cracking up and I grabbed my phone so that I could record it for my sister Wendy (who had to work a double that day and needed a good laugh.)

It was so cute, funny and wrong all at the same time.

Me: Are you singing the Pony song?
YB: Yeah. Just ride my pony Crys. My pony is green.
Me: *trying so hard to just smile and not laugh and hang my head in shame*
YB: And your pony is pink.

On a side note, my sister did love the voicemail of Younger Boy singing his version of Pony. I tell myself it could be worse. He could be belting out some rap song full of curse words.

Corruption 2 – Ready for the ER
In addition to my guilty need to watch One Tree Hill, I also watch Grey’s Anatomy. Except since I’ve moved in I’ve been DVRing everything and watching them on my own time. (You just can't get into a dramatic moment when there are kids running around.) This last weekend I decided it was time to catch myself up on some Grey’s. I watched quite a few episodes and got all caught up.

Monday rolled around. I was working and Younger Boy was in his room playing when I hear “Clear!” I stopped tapping away at the keyboard.

YB: Crys! Clear!

He’s been randomly yelling “Clear” through out the day. There doesn’t seem to be any game he’s playing that he can’t incorporate a good “Clear” into. At least he’s not going around calling everyone McSteamy, McDreamy or McAnything else or trying to perform life-saving operations on anyone. Right? Maybe this is subliminal workings to entice him to be a doctor.

He’s also showing signs of turning into a full-out boy. And I’m talking about gas and the humor in talking about gas. Although I don’t think he’s quite figured out just how funny it is because he says it so innocently.

Gas Man 1 – The Burp
Yesterday during lunch Younger Boy was sitting at the table eating and I was my desk working. That’s when I heard a very loud belch. Younger Boy whirls around like he just won a million dollar cash prize. Wide eyed and full of excitement he says:

YB: That was a good burp!
Me: I, yes. That was a good burp.
YB: That was a GREAT burp!
Me: *Trying really hard not to giggle* Sure! It was pretty great.

Normally I would have tried the good ole “And what do you say?” except I couldn’t quite manage to say it as I stifled my amusement. He was just so proud of himself. How dare I even think of taking away from that.

Gas Man 2 – The Fart
My mother came over for dinner last night. The six of us were sitting at the dinner table eating when Younger Boy yells out, “Fart!” We looked at him confused. That’s when he let it rip. And oh, how he let it rip – loud and long. I covered my face with my hand and looked at my mom with a look that I can’t quite describe. The look on my face had and OMG of disbelief, confusion and amusement. In fact, I was trying pretty hard not to laugh because at that point of the day I was pretty tired. She just looked at me and smiled and patted my hand with hers. I could hear the words she wasn’t saying, “There, There mija. Welcome to motherhood.”

So, that boy needs some friends his own age to play with and entertain himself with. You know, to play things that 3-year-olds play. I’ve tried looking into some social opportunities that he can attend for a couple of hours each week. I would love preschool, but I think he’s still working to master the wipe. (His arms are just too short! I’m pretty sure one of you mentioned that when I first began teaching him the art of pooping on the toilet.) I’m hoping I’ll find something.

Either way, that kid cracks me up.

The Year Of The Coffee Bean

Until today I hadn’t quite figured out what my resolution will be for this year. I actually stopped making resolutions a couple of years ago and decided to create a yearly sort of mantra to follow.

2006 – The Year To Take Risks
2007 – The Year To Take Smart Risks
2008 – The Year To Be Optimistic and Think Positively
2009 ???

I’ve thought about this a couple of times now. I want it to be something realistic and yet challenging. I want to gain something from it, and I want to be able to share what I gain with others.

I was reading through my old LiveJournal today. I often find that I’ve learned a lot and have come a long way by reflecting on my challenges of the past. It’s like looking outside the box at the girl back then. The girl back then has helped shape me to be the woman I am now, and the girl back then continues to help shape me when I reflect back upon what she’s learned.

This was a past entry I found:

January 6, 2008

An excerpt from: “Bad Childhood, Good Life” by Laura Schlessinger:
"A young woman went to her mother and complained about her hard life. She was tired of the struggle, felt like giving up, but was willing to hear advice from her mother.

Her mother took her into the kitchen, filled three pots with water, and added carrots to one pot, an egg to another pot, and coffee beans to the third. She turned the heat under them up to HIGH and let them boil.

At the end of about half an hour, she removed the carrots, egg, and coffee beans from the pots and put them on plates. She asked her daughter what she saw and learned. The daughter had no clue. So the mother explained that each of those three foodstuffs had been exposed to the same challenge: boiling water. The carrots went in strong and sturdy and then turned to mush. The egg went in fragile and ultimately turned hard. And the coffee beans changed the hot water around them -- producing a wonderful aroma and a delight to the taste buds.

'So, my darling daughter, when the hour is the darkest and the trials are the greatest, how do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot that loses its strength? Are you the egg that becomes tough and hardened? Are you the coffee bean that influences the universe in a positive, hopeful way?' "

I hope all of you think about this and understand the message.

Despite the struggles that I have encountered, I have always aimed at being the coffee bean that influenced the universe in a positive and hopeful way.

Re-reading that entry made me think that with my current situation it might be most beneficial to myself and those around me if I focused this year on making sure that I take my 2008 Positive and Optimistic view and influence it upon those around me. Not that I want to wear rose-colored glasses and loose touch with reality, but thinking positively and looking for the positive things has made a world of difference in my life.

Right now I am often faced with a lot of negativity and pessimism. I don’t expect to change anyone, but I’d like to make sure that I’m being the example of positive and optimistic influence … if that makes sense.

I’ve decided that 2009 will be The Year Of The Coffee Bean … a.k.a The Year Of Being A Positive Influence.

Teaching About Responsibility

One of the latest endeavors I have chosen to take on is teaching the boys about being responsible and holding themselves accountable for their actions/choices. My fiancé has been rather impressed that I actually follow through with my efforts.

Let me start off that this latest task has been brought on by many frustrations that roll back to the boys lacking any grasp on the concept of being responsible. I had stepped on one too many toys that were not put away. I got tired of finding important items (like shoes/belts/books) that were hiding in unmade bed blankets and sheets, and this was me finding them after the boys complaining that they looked and looked and looked and couldn’t find the item. I really was pushed to the limit though with the Older Boy.

In the past couple of months he has:

• Lost his spelling/vocabulary word list TWICE
• Forgot to do important homework (that, I should mention, was stapled to the packet of other homework that he had already done that day and finished and said that he was done with.)
• Forgot his warm, winter coat at his martial arts class
• Forgotten his lunch bag and didn’t take initiative to go retrieve it himself TWICE
  

And I’m sure there are others but these listed were rather important. Although I could deal without the lunch bag, but because it’s happened multiple times it’s landed on the list.

Anyway, just verbally telling them that they need to be responsible wasn’t cutting it. I had to put some action behind those words. And man, trying to teach children to be responsible (especially when we’re the only household that gives a damn that they learn this) has been a bit rough. Plus I’ve been trying to make sure that we are setting a good example ourselves so that we serve as good role models.

One thing that has been successful thus far has been the issue with putting toys away. It started one night when the boys were in bed and I looked around the living room (sprinkled with Thomas & Friends engines, Legos and other toys here and there). I walked into their room, turned the light on and told them that they needed to start being responsible about putting their toys away or I would find a child that would be responsible and thankful for the toys. After I closed the door my fiancé said that they had been told that before. I responded with, “Well, they haven’t been told that by me.” I held true to my word and have a bag that has toys the boys left out after being asked to put their toys away.

I also have been working on listening skills, specifically: When I ask you to put your toys away that means you should stop playing with them and put your toys away. This was sparked after a night that I had to ask Middle Boy three times to put his toys away. Technically it was four times, except the fourth time I walked in there and saw him jump up from playing and start putting toys away and I responded with, “When I ask you to put your toys away, that means put your toys away. If I have to come in here and ask you again, any toys still on the ground are mine.” Well, that seemed to fix that issue. Especially after Middle Boy saw me pick up some Thomas train tracks lying on the ground and put them in my bag. Toys have since then been put away each time they are asked, and before they go to bed. And I’ve only had to ask twice at the most in the last two weeks.

We’ve used sticker charts with the boys for a couple of different things, and they have been really helpful and successful. My fiancé and I have talked about making a Responsibility Chart for the boys. Some of the things that we wanted to put on there are:

• Making my bed in the morning
• Finishing all homework for the day
• Putting my toys away before bedtime
• Putting my clothes away when asked
  

Of course some of these will only apply when applicable (homework on weekdays and clothes when there are clothes to be put away. We also talked about different fun things to do for when they do all that they are supposed to do. We’ve talked about whether we should start off doing it week by week or every two weeks the boys get something fun if they do everything they’re supposed to.

My sister and I had Chore Charts, and boy, did they work on us. I’m hoping that they will work with the boys on learning a little something about responsibility. My only concern is that the boys will connect “doing this action” gets “stickers on a chart” which equals a “reward.” And I really don’t want to reward actions that should be done anyway, but I know that we need to start somewhere and that making things somewhat fun might result in better cooperation from them.

I’d like to know what you have done to teach responsibility to your children, and do you have any other suggestions on things I can work with the boys on being responsible about? I do realize that they are children, but I really think that they’re old enough to learn about being responsible about things.

Being A Role Model

Have you ever heard yourself saying something to your child and mid-sentence thought “Am I really saying this? OMG, I’m turning into my mother/father/grandmother” but had to continue saying it because the child is looking at you waiting to sink it all in? Well, I experienced this last night.

Middle Boy was pretty vocal about the fact that he didn’t like what we were having for dinner.

MB: “I don’t want it.”
Me: “You should be thankful that you have food. Some children don’t get to eat food every night for dinner….*insert pause as realization of what is coming out of my mouth and sideways glance at boyfriend who is wide-eyed and shoveling food into his mouth to keep from laughing*…because *insert another pause as I think of a good reason that is going to make sense to a 5-year-old because I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t understand any reason from my Non-Western world college course*… their families … can’t afford to buy food as often as we do.”

And then I sat there and took a drink from my cup, because the cup was big enough to hide the slight frown/grin/laugh that was forming on my lips.

I really couldn’t tell you who said that to me, but I know that it was some adult figure in my life. And as embarrassing as it was, I’m rather thankful for the role models I’ve had, because without them, I don’t know if I would have the strength to do what I do.

Some of them are role models of who I don’t want to be.

The overprotective ex-boyfriend’s mother who automatically didn’t like me because I (and the rest of the female population) just wasn’t good enough for her baby boy.

The mother who was so interested in spotless, clean perfection that her kids weren’t allowed to be kids and have fun – like playing in the dirt/sand because God Forbid you get your jeans all dusty.

There are the role models of who I do want to model myself after.

My mother is a role model of who I’d like to be. It helps that I did follow in her path of getting involved in child development. And trust me, I’ve already put in the “Mom, I have a kid issue question for you” regarding homework. Again, Middle Boy really didn’t want to read at home. So my mom came over and helped show all of us how reading can be fun to a kindergartner, and so far, we haven’t had an issue in reading since.

My mother has also always been the mother who helped push me to be independent and taught me to hold myself accountable. That my actions cause reactions and that other people may get their feelings hurt and to handle my friends with loving care and respect.

Not that she’s perfect, who is? I also have gathered that I’d like to have somewhat of a relationship with my boys. I want to know what is going on in their heads. I’d like them to feel comfortable talking to me about things and in asking me for help. (Something I still struggle with often with my own parents.)

There are also role models that have inspired me to take on the challenge of instant motherhood. Women that have given me hope that there is a light at the end of a very frightening path.

My Editor from my old job showed me that it’s possible to be a mother and have a full-time job in my chosen career. And although I’m no longer doing what I was doing, I am managing to be a stay-at-home mom and hold a full-time work from home job.

My other inspiration was my high school sweetheart’s mom (step mom). She also became an instant mom to three boys. It wasn’t easy, I could tell growing up. But those boys did respect her and care. And she did it. She’s still doing it, even with a fourth child that they had later on, and now a new grandson.

I’m very thankful for all of the role models I’ve had along the way. Also for the fact that I took all of it in and can reflect back on it. (Is that the mature growing up in me?)

And I want to make sure, that no matter what bad role models my boys (and any future possible children come along) have encountered, I want to make sure that I am a positive example of how a woman can be and what a woman can do…even if it’s taking quite a few for the team by not causing more drama or sounding like my mother now and then.