It Feels Strange

I’m not quite sure how to word my current feelings so I guess I’ll just explain what I can.

A while ago FH had told me about an e-mail he had found from Jane to her guy (this was before the divorce was finalized and all that jazz. I almost want to say it right after she had said something about wanting to get divorced.) Anyway, in this e-mail she mentions that all she’s ever wanted in life was to have a little girl and to live out in the country.

As you may recall, Jane now has four boys, and I’m having the little girl.

Yesterday we picked the boys’ up from Jane. She had called Sunday afternoon to inform us she had Monday off. Not being ones to miss out on a night alone we suggested she take the boys that evening. Anyway, on the way into the house I noticed a small gift bag that looked very much like a gift for a baby. I looked at FH and he said that Jane had gotten it for the baby.

After the boys went to bed I opened it and looked through it. She had sent over some rather nice things. Baby onesies (not the cheap brands) in the colors I had indicated on my registries that I wanted, baby toys and some baby essentials like wash and powder. I looked at FH and found myself thinking aloud that I wished she put this type of effort into her own children.

To back up a bit, she recently sent Middle Boy home with some new packs of underwear. Take note that Middle Boy is a wiry, skinny little stick that is wearing size 6-7. The underwear was size 10-12 and size 14-16. Luckily Older Boy just fits into the 10-12, but we’ll have to see I guess if he’s going to be willing to wear dragon underwear when he’s able to fit into a 14-16. Note Older Boy is a wiry, skinny stick that needs slim jeans too. Also, all the clothes she’s ever bought the boys are two-three sizes too big. Older Boy came home in a shirt that fit him like a dress (well down to his knees.)

Anyway, in response FH made the comment that it would be kind of weird if Jane kept buying our baby things because it’s a girl.

Many of you may remember that I try very hard to put a positive spin on things to save myself the ickyness of suspicion and stress from Jane. So a part of me keeps reminding myself, “Oh, that was a very kind gesture on behalf of Jane.”

The other half though is kind of pissed that she did go to the trouble of doing such a nice thing for the baby when she does jack squat for her own kids. And the other half is horrified that maybe FH might not be too far off in wondering if she’s going to push her baby girl dreams onto our child since she doesn’t have one.

Then there is still that other little voice in the back of my mind that’s been nagging at me: “She’s going to be pregnant again anyway, especially once I have my baby and the boys do nothing but talk about their little sister.” Her youngest boy is going to be 2 years old this year. And if she keeps in tradition she’s due to get pregnant again sometime this year or next.

Anyway, I guess I’m still trying to feel it all out. It makes me somewhat uncomfortable though that there’s an underlying plan on her part. She’s not exactly a selfless and considerate mother/person. I think I’m more pissed off because I’ve seen what she provides for the boys and here she is spending decent money on our child.