Seven hundred thirty days ago I moved in with FH and the boys. I jumped into a world I had no idea about. And 730 days later I still sometimes question what the hell I was thinking. However, on Day 730 I came to a conclusion while reading another stepmommy blogger’s post.
It wasn’t necessarily that it was one of those posts that I could relate to because I had written it, but it was about a topic that gave me an “Aha” moment.
I know I’ve written about it before but Jane doesn’t pay child support. This is just the agreement that came from their divorce. Thus, from the moment I moved in my paycheck that used to support just me and Nasty Cat was now supporting three kids that weren’t mine, and me and Nasty Cat.
The only thing we’ve gotten Jane to help put money toward is out-of-pocket medical expenses because their papers say that they have to split those. Otherwise, all other expenses fall on us. I know I’ve mentioned that Jane doesn’t have that most fabulous paying job, but paying for a family of 5 isn’t cheap. It was one of the reasons I became a PartyLite consultant when I found out I was pregnant because if a family of 5 isn’t cheap then a family of 6 isn’t going to be any cheaper.
Back to the point, I get frustrated with Jane because she is absent, treats her kids like crap and is still loved and adored by them. But the light bulb that came on in my head is that I realized I’m really, really damn angry that I’m here paying for the kids while she doesn’t pay jack.
I can’t really be too angry with my husband for making the mistake of marrying her and what not. We all make mistakes and I’m sure he faces that reality every day. But I think a part of that bitterness that I’ve been unable to really tackle down is the fact that I’m paying for it, literally paying for it too. I don’t mind paying for my own mistakes but having to get stressed out due to lack of funds or not be able to pay for something for me or the baby because I’ve spent the rest of my money on the kids really frustrates me.
It frustrates me that I have a hard enough time saving up money as it is because it’s all going toward supporting my family. Which normally and realistically what happens anyway, but as a stepmom it's a bit different I guess.
I hope that makes sense. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boys and wouldn’t take back my choice for the world. But it is just very frustrating that I’m doing all this work and sometimes it feels like I'm not appreciated. As a stepparent I don’t have any legal rights. I don’t have that bond by nature with them. And I feel like I’m constantly being scrutinized and compared to Jane by them.
I guess I am happy that I was able to pin point this. Being full of anger and frustration and not knowing why is mind blowing. And now that I've figured it out I can start working on my attitude toward it and trying to find my way to balance out those frustrations.
But today is my two year mark at being an instant mom. I’ve come a long way, and I know that I alone have made a big difference in the boys’ and FH's lives. And for being able to be that difference I really am glad and proud. And I’m still here.
5 comments:
Congratulations on being two!
When I look back over the past (almost three) years, it's incredible how blurry before-stepfamily sometimes seems.
I haven't always enjoyed it, that's for sure, but it has created a huge amount of new purpose for me, as it obviously has for you. (Not that our lives lacked meaning beforehand...!)
As for Jane and the child support, I can TOTALLY UNDERSTAND why that would piss you off - well done for getting to the basis of your feelings.
When my Lovely Man works a 16 hour day to make the enormous salary-sized child support bill we pay his complaining, griping, accusing, bitching, kid-alienating ex, it sometimes feels like I'll explode at the injustice of it.
Hang in there; I don't think it gets easier but we learn to deal with it better and better.
Even though I didn't officially support the child like you do, I still was paying for things every so often but more importantly than that I put a lot of time and energy into our relationship which wasn't recognized nor appreciated.
I think in time your boys while come to appreciate you, but I think the thing with being a good stepparent is that you don't get really get much recognition from your step kids until they have grown up.
Im a in the same boat as atouchofcrazy. While I am not fully supporting my step daughter I do pay for some things.
I think the hardest part for me is that I wil forever be paying for my husbands mistake of marrying someone as awful and manipulative as Jen. That and being a step mother is the least appreciative job I wil ever have.
I totally know how you feel... Especially now that my Hubby has lost his job. My Hubby has to pay for expenses... health insurance, clothes ect. All BM has to do is pay $20/month towards school lunches, everything else is my Hubby's responsibility. And now that he has $0 income, I am the one who has to pay for everything, even though BM make more than me and my Hubby. And then on top of it, BM expects me to have no say in things, and she should just be able to go buy whatever for SS and expect me to write her a check.
Is there a reason you can't take her back to court for Child Support? Just because that is what was orginally agreed to, doesn't mean it can't change. My Hubby and BM agreed to not pay each other child support and split all costs 50/50 and she took us back to court, which is how we ended up with the above financial agreement.
It is amazing at how similar the frustrations can be. I'm not financially supporting my stepkids--that would be my husband doing that--but we have had to pay his ex child support even though we split the week in having the kids. And even though he pays child support my ex is expected to still pay 1/2 of clothing expenses, 1/2 of school lunch, 100% of hair cuts, 100% of dental and ortho, 100% of extracurricular activities, etc. I often find myself wondering what the the child support is going towards! Gee, it couldn't have gone towards the boob job, the face lift, the expensive trips, the tummy tuck, or any of that could it??!?
Sorry...your post made me want to vent! :-)
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