Jane’s mom Jolie has asked us if she can have the boys a few weekends during the month. This is completely fine with us, but we told her we’d prefer to plan it out each month instead of trying to stick to a schedule of the first and third Saturday of the month. It just seems easier that way since we’re a social family.
This last week I picked the boys up from Jolie’s house. The four of them were outside waiting for me. The boys were playing ball. I got there and Jolie and I greeted each other. I think for the most part Jolie likes me as a person and has been impressed on what I’ve done with the boys so I’m not really intimidated by seeing her. I do have an issue with the conditions of which they live in (It’s a real petting zoo in there and really smells like one.) I asked the boys if they were ready to go and they said yes. Then they started taking off toward the car and I said “Wait a minute. Come say goodbye to Grandma Jolie.” One by one they came back and gave her a hug. She affectionately gave them hugs and kisses back and said she’d see them on Wednesday.
Once we got home FH asked them if they had fun. We got the half-hearted “yeah” from Older Boy and Younger Boy. Middle Boy told us “Not really.” When asked why not he said “Because we didn’t get to play video games.”
It got me wondering about what they thought their visits were all about. Perhaps it was really naïve of me to think that they would be excited to see their grandma and mom. I’m not from a divorced family but I was always excited when I got to see family members growing up. I also have wondered what these visits meant to Jolie and to Jane.
A couple minutes later I called the three of the boys down for a quick chat.
Crys: I wanted to know what you think the point is when you go to visit Jolie or your mom?
Older Boy: To get to do extra stuff.
Middle Boy: To play video games and watch TV.
Younger Boy: *Blank Stare*
Side Note: I’m not going to lie that it bothered me that was what they thought the point was. Later on when I talked to FH about it he said that he probably contributed to part of that. But I honestly think that both FH and Jane have contributed to it. Jane doesn’t really do a lot of visiting with them. They go over there and all they do is play computer/video games or watch movies the whole time. Sometimes during the warmer months she will bring them to the pool or the park, but that’s a rare occasion. Since video game playing time has decreased significantly since I moved in FH put a focus that they can go play video games at Jane’s.
Back on track: I told the boys that the point of their visits with Jolie and Jane was to spend some time with them and to see them. That yes they got to play video games and watch TV while at their houses but the point is to spend some time with them since they don’t get to see them all the time.
I then put Middle Boy in the other person’s shoes because it seems to be the only way to get him to understand lately.
Crys: Middle Boy, how would you feel if Grandma Jolie said, “I didn’t have a fun time visiting Middle Boy because I didn’t get to play video games.”
Middle Boy: It would make me sad.
Crys: Well, then perhaps that is something you should remember the next time you go over for a visit.
I realize that I can’t make Jane and Jolie visit with the boys instead of herding them over to play video games and watch TV. I also realize that I can’t make the boys want to visit them either. But, I can at least plant the seed of though that maybe there is more to visiting your family members than just playing video games.
6 comments:
Well, you would think that they would have to put some time and effort into spending some sort of time with the boys. It can be pretty weird as a child to leave your friends and stuff to go spend time with family that are basically strangers and then have nothing to do but be bored all weekend. We used to go visit my grandma and it wasn't "fun" or really a visit for me. The adults visited and we kids (even though we were cousins) we basically strangers who stood around and looked at each other. And then most of my cousins lived in the same town and knew all the same people while we knew no one and it really made us feel like the outsiders.
I don't know how long its been since the boys had really seen their grandma but she might be mostly a stranger to them that really doesn't know them or their likes or even their needs.
You are so good to those boys. Jane and Jolie are blessed to have you in the kids lives'.
Amy, She's not a stranger at all. They see her once a week when they see their mom. In fact, they go to her house to see her. They lived with her multiple times also. Trust me, she's no stranger to them. From observation they seem to really take her for granted and don't have much respect for her. I think it's just different family dynamics and expectations from the adults on that side of the family. Because the boys treat my husband's family completely different.
As odd as it may sound, some people don't know how to "spend" time with others. We are so used to letting the tv do the talking (literally) among other gadgets that we feel that a person just being "there" in our presence is quality time.
I wonder if it would help if you gave the boys some ideas on things to do with their grandma before they go over there...maybe she would appreciate the ideas too.
I'm not clear how much their grandma is attempting to spend time with the boys. I know when I was real young, I thought it was boring to go visit my grandparents. I didn't appreciate them until years later. I like the idea of offering ideas of things for them to do together, maybe get the ball rolling. Maybe games where they can all learn more about each other.
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