I had really hoped that maybe with time being a stepmom would be easier. As in, after time with the boys I wouldn’t feel quite as frustrated at times. But there are still some days it takes all the control I have not to pull my hair out, pack up the cat and baby and walk out the door.
It’s not even that I don’t like the boys. I love them very much. But I think there is a great amount of pressure I feel when it comes to raising them. I hear so much from my mother-in-law or other relatives on either FH or Jane’s sides about how worried everyone was for the boys’ well being.
I can’t imagine that everyone is exaggerating but I just can’t grasp how bad it was. Could it really have been that drastically bad? I guess it could have. But I just can’t grasp it.
I know that the boys have all blossomed into amazing individuals under my care. I know that they can only continue to grow and blossom more. But I feel like I can’t mess it up … Like if they turn out anything like their mother or worse then somewhere along the way I messed up in raising them.
I hear from both FH and Jane’s side this worry and concern from the past and receive a lot of praise and thanks for what I’ve done and what I’m continuing to do. (It’s really quite weird to have people thank me so often for being a mom to the boys. It’s nature to me, and it feels like I’ve gone up and beyond my expected duties the way they all thank me.) And it feels almost like there is a weight on my shoulder that I have to make these children successful. It is very overwhelming at times.
I know I can only take each of them so far. I can only instill my love, my values, my example and that they’ll have to take all those and create themselves from there. In the back of my head though sometimes I feel a whip and hear a voice that says if I don't give it 180% instead of just try my best that maybe I'm giving it my all. (I think that it all comes down to the fact that I am my own worst enemy as in I'm the hardest on myself.)
I honestly sometimes feel stressed trying to just be a mom to them. Now that I have a biological child of my own I’ve been able to sort things out. I feel a stress to make sure that I’m raising my own child the way I want to and to be the best mom I know how. But it’s just a different stress from raising someone else’s kids, even though they’re my kids too now.
Does that make sense? I’ve decided that I’m putting some money away (about $14) and I’m going to the Jelly Belly Factory out here to treat myself to six delicious squares of gourmet fudge. So good! And that is how I’m going to be good to me and try my best to relax and not stress out as much.
6 comments:
I just had a day that just made me feel so glad to read your blog. I just don't know how I can go on sometimes. I love the kids but there is constant strain. Thank you. I guess I should buy myself something nice as well for making it through another day.
Misty, Yes! You definitely should. I've found that little nice things like frozen yogurt, a new book, or make up or my new love Jelly Belly factory fudge helps A LOT! We deserve a treat for all we do. :)
You are right that you can only take them so far. I remind Gary (and myself) of that all the time. Even if we give 100%, every day, if the kids choose not to use what we teach them, that is going to be their choice. It will be hard to accept, but it is will be their choice.
I like your idea of treats for making it through a day :) You do a great job.
Thanks for the honest post. It totally makes sense that you are under such stress. Parenting is hard- STEP-parenting is insane. And I ahve to echo Smirking Cat- when the boys are a bit older they will start moving more and more away from their parents and towards their lives, their friends, their own experience. they will take what they have learned and we truly can only hope they chose their lives wisely. At some point their lives become their own. trust yourself. You are doing great.
I look at it with humor...if my step kids screw up--it's their parents fault. If they do something fabulous--it is because they have a wonderful, supportive step-mom. ;-)
Good stuff. This may sound like a cop out, but I like to occasionally remind myself (when I'm having a day like yours) that I am only 1 of 4 parents in their world, so at worst, I'm only responsible for 25% of however screwed up they get. =)
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