Now that I am a mother I’ve had a new wave of frustration as an Instant Mother. It’s not that I resent the boys’ presence. It’s not that I no longer want to care for them or take care of them or nurture them. It is more that I have definitely found myself even more frustrated at times with the reality that their mother doesn’t take an active role in their lives.
I lightly touched on it in my last post. As a first time mom I’ve had people telling me to get a lot of rest, to relax and to sleep whenever possible so that I can recover as well as keep my sanity to balance off my new sleep schedule. I can maybe get an extra nap in once in the morning right after I drop the boys off at school and before I have to pick up Younger Boy OR in the afternoon right after I drop Younger Boy off at the after school program and before FH comes home from work.
As a mother myself now I get frustrated that Jane isn’t here to help take care of the boys more often. I’m frustrated that the only time she wants to see them, talk to them, be a part of their lives is if she has a day off from work. I think a part of it is that I’m here trying my best to be the best mom I can be to a newborn, and the best instant mom I can be to three kids that aren’t mine and it is draining me.
Don’t get me wrong here … as I said above I haven’t had a change of heart for the boys, but now that I’ve actually gone through the whole experience of labor and midnight/3am/6am feedings in the same night experience I just get kind of pissy that a woman who birthed three kids gets to have such a rule over my schedule once a week and on the holidays when I’m doing all the work and she’s not even trying to wish them a good night or anything.
To her credit she did offer to put the boys on her health insurance plan while FH transitions between jobs. Allegedly she doesn’t get charged anything extra to have children on her benefits plan. I’m hoping this means that their coverage will be decent still or perhaps that we won’t need to use it until FH is off of his probation period at his new job.
If she were perhaps more consistent with her visits and not consistently trying to get out of seeing them perhaps my anger wouldn’t be on the verge of blossoming. But with my lack of sleep lately I’ve been getting rather irritated in having to be up and going all the time when all I want to do is sit back with my daughter and relax and do nothing … or sleep.
In other views … Baby J.C. has a smile that melts my frustration and anger away. Luckily for me she’s been more smiley each day that comes.
11 comments:
perhaps you should quit arranging your life to suit her schedule and let her start adjusting hers?
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I felt that way when my son was born, and BM moved halfway across the country and decided to see SS only once a month. My only advice is to enjoy your time with JC, and your routine will get more regular soon
I know that I get tired of carrying the load ALL the time. Yeah, my Dh does alot also, but they're his kids. I resent that my step-daughter's so-called Mom gets to party her life away with no cares whatsoever. She visits when she wants. She has absolutely no responsibility whatsoever for either of her kids. And how does a woman call herself a Mom when she refused to do the day-in day-out of raising her children? And I know that having a new baby just amplifies all of those feelings because women like me and you could never do what these "mothers" are not doing for their children.
I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to try and work with Jane. She is truly a piece of work, and it's very sad she doesn't want to make her own children a bigger part of her life.
That said, I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that Jane probably did not have the best parents and family life growing up. (I'm assuming your husband knows her back story.)
Usually the people who act in ways we can't fathom have dealt with a lot of hardship. That, of course, is not meant as an excuse for their behavior, but understanding and empathy can go a long way in alleviating anger, at least in my experience.
You know, I would probably have more empathy for her if she treated all of her children the same. But she treats the child that lives with her a whole lot differently than the children that live with me. Also, her sister lived in the same environment and made quite different choices so. So in the beginning I used to try and emphasize but now that I've gotten to see her in action for about two years I have no empathy for her. I think it's just another roadblock in stepmotherhood I'll have to learn to overcome.
It is so frustrating dealing with selfish people. Make sure you take care of yourself, or you may blow up at the wrong time and at the wrong people. Is your honey helping with the boys and the baby? Make sure you communicate to him that you need breaks...and help with daily duties.
You know... When we shared the kids with BM, I was super resentful that she was around at all. Now that she's out of our lives, I feel anger toward her for the damage she's done to the kids. And frustrated that I am and will always be the official Not-the-Mama, even though I am BAR FAR the closest thing they have to the real thing. I recognize the major flaw that sometimes I just want to be cherished and loved best. Sometimes I feel I am. But mostly, I know I never can be, because that's just the way of things. That said, just know that your feelings are valid, too. The frustration and the happiness-- all of it. Stepparenting is a process. Eventually we'll get it right... and then we'll turn 80.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you are not a first time mom! You have been a mom for a while, this is simply the first time you have a biological child in the mix. All the "normal" advice people give to new mom's still applies to you, sure, but I think you have the added bonus/challenge of adjusting your new life into your old life. the expectations or preconceived notions of "new" motherhood don't necessarily fit into your world. And that can be hard to cope with (believe me, I know!)!
It's not about the children, any of them, it's about understanding what it means to love a child and tuck them in at night and hold them tightly. Jane doesn't do that- you do. And it makes you more of a parent, more of a mom, biological or not, than she ever has been.
And I agree with girlmonkey- it is a process. Life is always changing, and you are changing. Be patient. :)
Definitely a good point. I AM NOT a first time mom. I think my problem is that I would very much like to have been able to experience having my first biological child without having to take care of someone else's which feeds into my frustration that I'm here being a mom to the boys, and Jane is not, yet I'm just the stepmom and she's the mom. If that makes sense.
And you said the "P" word! I think I'm just about out of that right now with my lack of sleep. Ha ha.
Oh I get it crys- been going through some heavy "if only" and "it should be like" moments myself lately. it's so hard to compare what we thought we wanted, with what we got, come up short, and still feel happy about it all.
and I'm hardly one to talk of Patience! But I AM working on that!!
Oh, I can soooo relate to this post. For the first few years of Stepmommy-ing-- BM didn't want me to be involved with HER kids at all. She threw a fit about me picking them up early from after school care etc. Even though the kids preferred to be picked up early (think being picked up at 3:30 vs. 6:00 Pm).
A few years later, I have two daughters and NOW, BM prefers that "her" kids are at our house.
It is tiring and exhausting and NO it isn't fair, but that is where we end up. I try to work out a few things with DH so I get some quality alone time with the girls. We are also getting ready to have a family meeting to discuss how we interact with each other. My stepkids are tween/teen age and are NOT cleaning up after themselves much less helping out around the house-- it hasn't been as pleasant as any of us want it to be the last few weeks.
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