Big Changes Are On The Way

I’d like to start off with the fact that I loved my vacation. For those that haven’t caught on or just haven’t been reading my blog long enough, I’m a bit of an overachiever workaholic. I love work. I love projects. And I also apparently welcome the high stress of customer service. We had to make a "Crys is Out of the Office" plan after my incident with Nasty Cat’s bite. Being out for two days of work with no back up plan was disastrous, and trying to catch up from that was horrendous. The point is that there was a back up plan this time, and I was able to let any work cares float away. For once, while on vacation, I was able to forget about work and relax and have fun. And it was wonderful and joyous and blissful. (Well almost … I don’t know if anyone can actually totally say that and mean that when it comes to staying at your almost in-laws for a couple of days. But that’s another blog entry.)

And back to reality … we need to find a new place to live ASAP. I hate the city we live in. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned it before but the city that both my fiancé and I grew up and currently live in has held the record for highest homicides … I’m sure multiple times. I grew up in the ghetto where my father’s family house (and a few other kind Filipino families) had the neighborhood go to crap around them as drug dealers moved in. And I do not feel safe here. I was reluctant to move back, but in order to provide the boys with a stable environment I did. We live in a better part of town than that I grew up in, but I do not like it here.

I also do not like the fact that Older Boy has changed schools so much. However, I am all about transferring him to a better learning environment, a stronger learning environment and a safer neighborhood. We HOPE to only have at least two more moves in our future: one to our next place and one to the house that we hopefully will be able to afford at some point after the wedding.

So we’ve been furiously looking up safe and affordable places to live. School starts at the end of August though, and I’m really feeling the pressure to find a place for sure. I’m also getting highly anxious about the updates to the Parenting Plan that we’ll have to figure out and try to work out with Jane.

Last night I typed up the August plan and realized that the last week would have to include whatever changes we’ll be making. FH has already notified Jane that we’ll be moving. I’m going to be looking over the divorce paperwork to make sure that we’re not forgetting anything important that we ought to be doing. But I don’t think she’s really grasped the changes that are going to have to happen.

We’ve been catering to her this past year and have sort of had to pull nails out to get her to drive down here (the whole 20 or so minutes). We’ll be moving a bit further away and across the bridge in the Bay Area. And I’m telling you now, I’m willing to pay the $4 bridge toll once a week, but I’m not willing to drive all the way to her place every week. The options we’re presenting to her are to either meet halfway at Jolie’s every week or to rotate weeks. So she’d drive to our place one week and we’d drive to her place the next and so forth.

I’m also trying to save some money this month by having us rotate driving trips anyway. I’m just not all about driving to her place three times in a span of five to seven days. Either way you look at it, gas adds up. And it would be nice if Jane could share this with us to help cut down on gas. So in addition to the calendar I typed up three things that FH and Jane need to decide upon. Neither will give either of them a break over the other. I honestly sat down and made it fair. No one is really getting the short end of the stick here when it comes to driving. And the boys won’t be getting any less time to spend with her. In fact, if Jane agrees to meet halfway and makes the effort to get there on time (and stay the entire time) they should be gaining an hour to spend with her.

I really hope that she does agree to meet halfway at Jolie’s. My hopes are that if she has to leave her computer game to drive down to meet us, then she’ll be forced to be in an environment where she has to interact with the boys and not just put on a movie or the television and jump back on the computer. I do realize they are just hopes and at Jolie’s Jane still has the ability to not interact with them. I still just can’t grasp why she doesn’t want to try and spend time with them. I guess I have to remember that she never really did want to spend time doing fun and nurturing things with them even when she lived with them.

Anyway, to welcome myself back I have two things on my mind. One is finding a home fast and the other is to try and get Jane to realize that big changes are on the way and she can’t sit on her butt playing video games anymore.

411 Miles

411 Miles … that is the distance that currently separates me from the boyfriend and the boys. (Technically 428 miles if I’m leaving from work.)

I didn’t know that it would be this hard to be so far from them. I guess it shows how much I’ve grown to care about all of them, and how much they’ve really become a part of my life.
11 Days is the countdown to when I move up to Nor Cal. And trust me, I’m counting down the days.

One of the things heavy on my mind lately is my commuting between my job and my life up there with them. It’s like having two lives. It’s an awfully long commute between what feels like home and having to go to work. 411 miles away.

Even more so, though, is that I don’t want the boys to ever get the impression that I’m going to leave and not come back. I’ve made sure to tell them when I’ll see them again, each time before I leave. I couldn’t begin to imagine what it would be like to be a child, and to have to try and process through my mind that my mother had left. Much less that she had chosen to leave and didn’t really care to have custody of me.

So it’s been very important to me that they know that I’m coming back, and that I want them in my life, without being overwhelming.

At first I got the half hugs … the kind of, “Oh, Crys is here” looks and glances. And it sucked. It royally blowed feeling like you’re the only one excited to be there. It’s like in college (or high school maybe) when you’re totally into a guy. And you put all your heart and effort into being there for him, helping him, caring for him. And then one day, you realize that he could care less if you (specifically you) are there or not.

But this … loving children that deserve as much love as you can possibly give … I know that it takes time. No matter how long it takes. And even with the risk of knowing that I may never receive it back, I’ve given them the best care that I know how and all of the love I possibly can give.

I was up in our new apartment this weekend moving some more stuff in. And, like all the other weekends until the big move, it came to the time when I had to pack my bags and head back down to go to work the next day. The boyfriend told them I was going to be leaving soon and Middle Boy innocently looked at me and asked “Who will care for us?”

It was funny and cute and painful at the same time. Funny because it was random, Cute because he was serious, and painful because I was leaving to go to work 411 miles away.

MB: “Who will care for us?”
Me: “Well, I’m going to fix some dinner for later this week. And your Daddy will take care of you until I get back. Is that OK?”
MB: “OK”

I felt rather important that day. Important, and loved, and needed and accepted.
To top it off, before I left I got three really good real hugs … from all three of the boys. And I think that’s a pretty good sign that maybe I’m doing something right. (Considering I’m winging it here.)

And even though I’m 411 miles away right now…those hugs bring a big smile to my face and I’m filled with warm fuzzies.