Sunday, January 8, 2012

A Little Extra Effort

First off - Happy New Year!! I've missed you all and I'm really going to try to make a little more effort to pop in more often. I really miss blogging and I really miss all of you and your fabulous wisdom and sisterhood in the world of motherhood and stepmotherhood. I’m still working on what 2012 will be the year of by the way for those of you that have seen my New Year’s expectations blog. I think that perhaps I’ve stumbled upon it and just need to fine tune it a bit.

On to the show. Now that I have a biological child who has made want to just rip my hair out at times I’ve had moments where I feel bad for any impatience with the boys. However, I think its more frustration that I don’t have that bond with them. I’ve been working on building my own bonds with them. And each one of them is different.

I’ve put a bit of thought into it lately. Older Boy is playing in the city’s youth basketball league. I’m so excited for him. He loves basketball and I’m so happy that he’ll get some more socialization out of doing something he loves. The bittersweet thing about it though is that I’ll be giving up my “Me” time on Saturday mornings.

Jane has been rather dedicated to taking the boys every weekend. There have really only been 2-3 time that she’s cancelled on them since we moved. I don’t know if being closer has done the trick or if now that they are older and all potty trained, or if maybe she’s finally seen the light (or a glimmer) and is trying to make up for the time she’s missed out on. Either way, I won’t lie. I love being able to sleep in on Saturday morning and not have my hubby or the boys to wake me up or to be responsible for.

Back to the point … Older Boy’s games are on Saturdays. I called Jane today to talk about what she would like to do in regards to Older Boy and her visits. She informed me that she would prefer it if I kept him here Friday nights and then she would pick him up after the game. I won’t lie. I really wanted to be selfish and tell her that she could bring him to the afternoon games and I would bring him to the morning games. However, I didn’t want to start anything. I am rather picky about choosing which battles to fight. It’s only for a couple of weeks and I know I’ll get some “Me” time in again at some point.

And back to the bittersweet of it. Now that I have Baby JC I’ve experienced that unconditional love where even though I want to pull my hair out, I can wade through the fits and crying and teething and all that. But I still feel that when it comes to the boys I need to put in just a little extra effort. And I feel bad about it. I know I shouldn’t, it’s rather normal and I’m only human. I think it comes to that I try my best to make sure that I treat all my children the same way. And I really, really want to give all of my love. But that unconditional love just doesn’t come as naturally when it comes to the boys.

I’m sure it gets easier the longer you are able to build a relationship with each child…even the biological ones. I think I just need to learn to give myself a little slack and remember that Rome just wasn’t built in a day.


Smirking Cat said...

Glad to see a post from you! You seem very hard on yourself. It is great to want to continually improve, but don't forget to give yourself credit as well.

Anonymous said...

I think your feelings are perfectly natural. You are doing what is right for all of the kids. Don't beat yourself up.