Actually it’s more of an opinion gathering from all of you.
As some of you know, and some of you are learning, I make the visiting schedules for Jane to see the boys. I do this because one wasn’t set in place when the divorce was going through court. I also do this because Jane doesn’t put much effort forth into seeing the boys, so unless we nag her to give us the dates she has off from work, hand her a calendar and say these days work for us do they work for you, and hope she doesn’t cancel … the boys don’t get to see her. I also plan out our weekly meals to help budget our groceries and not knowing which days I’m not going to have to cook dinner I usually end up with stuff for an extra meal. Which I guess isn’t a bad thing, but more annoying to spend money we could use for something else.
I’ve adopted the stance that just because she’s not responsible doesn't mean that I’m going to slack off too. Someone has to look out for the boys, and make sure that their feelings, well being and rights are being met. So this is my effort. I try to make sure that I’m not being her personal assistance, because I’ve gotten plenty angry about being it. So my attitude is that I’m the boys’ care taker, and that I make these efforts for the boys and not to do Jane a favor.
This week we don’t have any days planned for the boys to see Jane. She hasn’t told us any of her days off. And the week is already getting filled up with wedding planning stuff, and social engagements. Hopefully she’ll have Saturday or Sunday available. And even better hopefully she’ll give us a call and let us know which days she has off.
As some of you may also know, I have both her and FH sign and date each schedule I make. Then we give copies to Jane, Jolie (Jane’s mom), and keep the original in a binder. I make notes on scheduled days that she cancels on (in my binder), and whatever excuse she’s given us.
Given the current situation of her not getting back to us with her available dates happens often, what I’d like to know your opinion on is do you think it is necessary to start keeping a log on when we contact her, and when she gets back to us about her days off?
And if we should what should I keep track of? Here is what I'm considering so far:
Date of call
What happened (Message left/conversation subjet)
Is there anything more I should consider keeping track of when it comes to phone calls? Do I need to be more detailed?
I know that sounds super OCD but I don’t want to give her an opportunity to ever say that we prevented her from seeing the boys. I want all my ducks counted, in a row and a paper trail of anything and everything to prevent this.
And to the point, I don’t want her to ever try and say that we didn’t let her see the boys. Especially if it was because she didn’t call us, didn’t call us back, and/or totally slacked on finding out and relaying her days off to us.
So what do you think?
And thank you in advance. I really appreciate all thoughts and opinions you all leave for me. It helps me to see things from the outside – and to take others’ experience in the life of stepfamilies and such.
To end on a positive note, here is the cake that I created for Younger Boy’s 4th birthday party. This year he wanted a blue Blues Clues cake. However, I couldn’t find a bottle of blue food coloring (I need a tablespoon to make the color) so I had to make it green. I had no complaints for creating a green Blues Clues cake.
Happy 4th Birthday Younger Boy!!!
9 comments:
I would say yes, keep track. Hopefully, you will never need it. But it could be an incredibly powerful resource, should you ever have the need to bring it forward.
I would keep track. Princess started working a rotating night shift, and would never tell us when she could keep the kid. We were supposed to have 50/50 custody, but it was usualy 90/10 or 98/2. We ket track of everytime we asked her, and of when she responded, or when she canceled. When we went to court, this helped us keep 50/50 custody, because she wanted 100% custody. The judge looked at that and told her she was crazy (in a politer way...).
I agree with Marie. You should keep track to the best of your ability (it's hard when there's no response, because there's no way to prove it!). Would email work? That way you could print them. Otherwise a phone log, which you could then sync up with your phone records once the bill arrives. You probably won't need it (we haven't needed ours yet), but it's comforting to know that it's there if you ever do need it. Good luck!!
unfortunately, given her track record, i think it's best that you keep track. i don't know how long, though... until they're 18? just for a few years to establish a pattern? i don't know.
this might be important later on down the road.
you're amazing.
Thanks for the input so far everyone.
I have one more quick question (I'm going to add this into the post too)
But would you say the following is a good thing to keep track of:
Date of call
What happened (Message left/conversation subjet)
I'm not sure if e-mail would be any easier. I'll be sure to ask FH about it though. Because it would be a good idea if he thinks she would be more responsive that way.
Like you, I also started out making the visitation calendar for my husband and his ex. BM never stuck by it, and I felt like it was a complete waste of my time, so I stopped making it. She has always seen the kids at her convenience, and despite my attempts to maintain her active role in the kids' lives, she continues to put them dead last in her own.
In my opinion, you are putting way too much effort into making Jane be a "good mother." The effort should come from her end.
Yes, you should be cooperative and friendly if/when she tries to work with you regarding scheduling visits. But no, you should not be planning her life.
You should track your communication with her just in case it ever goes to court. I would recommend email because it's easy to click Print and put it in a binder.
I started my blog as a way to track BM's LACK of visitation and communication. Not that it's admissible in court, but it helps me keep track of what's going on at the time.
Hope this is helpful. I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts.
I think you should keep a log. I agree with Sharon on several points.
1. Email is best if you can do it that way. Just keeping track of the calls doesn't really document what's discussed in the calls. Email however, is in black and white. Even if its just a : Jane, what are your days off in the coming week available for visitation. We have this day or that day available.
I also agree that Jane's involvement in the boys lives should be Jane's responsibility. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink type deal. You can't make the boys a priority in Jane's life. You might be able to twist her arm here and there to take visitation, but you can't make her spend time with them or even parent them when she has them.
Just my opinion.
Wow. I am so sorry for the extra stress dealing with someone like that causes! But I would say that you're doing the right thing by keeping a documented account of all of this. As sad as it is, if she were to take you to court for God knows what, it would be an excellent record of how you've done everything within reason to help her see the boys.
And you already know that I think the birthday cake is adorable!
Yes, by all means, keep track of all communication and cancellations. You never know when you might need it. And, why doesn't FH make the schedule for the boys? I've had to learn to step back and let my husband and his ex figure out how they are going to schedule their kids. It should be their responsibility anyway.
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