In Need Of Finding A Balance

I think the one thing that still really hits me hard is when I come to realize that I just can’t live life the way I used to. By that I mean that I can’t plan a get-a-way weekend to Michigan, a last minute lunch with my friends or even host a party. If I do then everything has to be planned well in advance because free reliable baby-sitters (my parents or my fiancé’s sisters) need some notice.

But this last weekend was a whole new smack of reality that I didn’t totally grasp until I was knee deep in it. In the little orchard/farming town I grew up in (high school days at least) they have an annual Youth Day celebration. I’m talking parade and a park full of fun, games and food. It’s usually capped off by bar hopping (all four bars in the little town – three of them on the same street right in a row).

I kind of knew that I wasn’t going to get to participate in the evening activities this year, but what I hadn’t accounted for was that I wasn’t going to be able to just walk around and find my friends either. Youth Day is one of those days that people flock back for. I got to see about three people because we ran into them. But I realized that I couldn’t explore like I normally would have. It just isn’t too practical when you have four kids in tow (Older Boy’s friend was with us) to walk around a people-packed park and then stop and try to catch up with people you haven’t seen in years/months.

I did it once and it’s literally because I ran into a very good friend of mine that I haven’t seen in years, but we keep in touch through e-mail now and then. My mom and my fiancé were standing with the kids when I saw my friend John. I had to walk over, give him a hug and we started catching up. We both had families in tow and it was one of those cramming chats. You know, where you try to cram about 8 months into 10 minutes because you really want to stand and try to catch up but you’re getting either looks from (his wife and sister) or you’re feeling pangs of guilt (because you see that the kids just aren’t having too much fun standing there).

Don’t get me wrong, we had a lot of fun. Younger Boy was my buddy for the day and we had a ton of fun playing the booth games and running through an air-inflated book worm. (He really got a kick out of the fact that you exited out of the worm’s butt.) Then by the time that the kids were running around the park it kind of hit me that we had to leave soon and I just didn’t have time or really the opportunity to go find my friends and say “Hi! Come meet my fiancé and my boys!”

I think I was also rather upset because I knew we were leaving so that my fiancé could go do his weekly guy things with his friends. Sometimes I feel like I've molded myself entirely around my fiancé and the boys' lives and that I don't allow time for me to have fun or do the things that I want to do because of that. I think something to work on this year is to try to find a balance where I'm not just completely bending back over so much to accommodate what they want versus what I'd like.

Back to the reality check though, I was rather bummed to say the least. My mother tried to comfort me with "It will be better next year." And I just really hope that we've found that balance by then.